“He already did, Mason.” Jared pulls me forward. In less than a minute we are outside and walking toward his motorcycle.
This wasn’t how I saw tonight ending.
This wasn’t supposed to happen.
Tonight was supposed to be a good night. A fun and happy night celebrating his birthday.
Jared was right all along. I’m in love with someone who isn’t capable of being in love with someone else. With me. Realization hits and that’s when it happens. The seams come loose and I stumble. If it weren’t for Jared holding onto me, I would have landing on my knees in the gravel.
“You were right.” I cry out. He pulls me into his chest and I let it go. “What did I do to deserve that? Why did he do that and with her of all people?”
“Nothing, Taralynn. He’s an asshole. You did nothing wrong except fall for the wrong guy.”
I never thought until this moment, even before Shawn and I started seeing each other that I fell for the wrong man, but clearly I did. Clearly, I’m a stupid woman, in love with a stupid man.
He carries me the rest of the way. When he sits me down, the tears are still coming only they aren’t stopping, if anything they pour harder as each minute passes.
“Shit, I need to go back in and get Cole’s helmet.”
“No. I want to leave now. Let’s just go, I’ll be fine.” He hesitates. I don’t know why, he’s never cared before. I’ve ridden with him several times without wearing protective gear. At the moment, I don’t care. I want the wind to hit against my skin. I want to feel something beside the pain that’s taken over every inch of my body. A pain I’m terrified will never go away.
What have I done?
My forehead falls forward, landing with a thud on the wall in front of me. The tile is still warm from where Tara’s back was pressed against it. Her intoxicating scent still surrounds me.
Her heart broke right in front of my eyes. I did that. I broke her big beautiful heart. I was cruel. I lied to her in the worst way. I knew I was going to fuck up and I did. I let her think…
This wasn’t how I imaged this happening. It wasn’t supposed to hurt like this. I did this for her because in the long run she’ll be better off without me.
The look in her eyes won’t leave my brain. That image will be seared inside me forever. How could I do that to her? To me? To us?
“Now that she’s gone and you’ve come to your senses…” Holly’s annoying voice trails off, but the palm of her hand slides up my arm. My skin crawls at her touch. It’s wrong and I don’t want it on me. I don’t want her anywhere near me. If she were smart, she’d realize being near me might not be the safest place for her.
“Back the fuck off, bitch.” I turn on her so quick she almost loses her balance. I don’t give a shit. I might even take pleasure from watching her land on her ass if I weren’t so fucking wrapped up in what I did to Tara moments ago. “Don’t you think for a second that I want you. I just gave up everything I’ve ever fucking wanted. You aren’t Tara. You’ll never be Tara. You were the biggest mistake I ever made. I don’t plan on repeating it. Fuck off, Holly. Get out of my fucking sight.”
I turn my body away from her, not caring what she does or where she goes.
“You’ll regret that.” There’s venom in her threat.
“Piss. The. Fuck. Off.” My back hits the tile and I slide my body to the floor as the bathroom door closes.
What did I do?
Why did I do it?
Because I know her parents will never accept me with her. Because I know Tara cares too much what they think. Because she wants to make them proud even though nothing she’s ever done has accomplished that.
Fuck, I don’t know any more.
Because I let Jared words seep into my veins for a minute?
She told Jared she loves me. That four letter word, said out loud, scared the shit out of me. Why would she love me? I have nothing to offer her. I’ve done nothing to deserve her love.
She deserves the world and someone that can give her everything she’s ever wanted. I’m a fuck up. I barely finished high school. I quit college after a whole six months. I’m BS’ing my way through owning a tattoo business. I could fail tomorrow, next month, or even next year. Who the fuck knows. Sure, I can get another job, but I’d still be a failure.
Failures do not get a smart, talented, beautiful woman like, Taralynn Evans.
It doesn’t happen. And if it did, I’d never be able to keep her. Eventually she’d open her eyes and see me for me. She’d regret me. I don’t ever want to be someone she regrets.
I want her to have the love my parents have with each other. Their love is beautiful, endless, selfless, and pure. It’s real.
But don’t you want that too?
My eyes close, but her faces breaks through the darkness.
I love her.
I’m in love with, Tara.
It’s not a realization, but more of an acceptance. I’ve known, deep down, I’ve known it for a while now. I’ve never wanted anything or anyone the way I want her. The way I need her. I can’t get enough of her. It’s not just sex. Our sex life is awesome. It’s being around her, holding her, hanging out or doing fun shit like riding four-wheelers. I crave her friendship the most.
Shoving them away, ignoring my true feeling for her never stopped them from growing though. They were there the whole time. And look what I’ve done.
Self-doubt penetrating my whole being made me believe I not only don’t deserve her, but I can’t make her happy. I’ll never really know if I don’t try. And if I want it bad enough, and I do, couldn’t I succeed?
I bang my head against the tile until the pain hurts so bad I can’t do it any longer.
That look in her eyes after Holly told her I cheated on her. I’ll never get it out of my head. Those dark blue eyes split my own heart apart. I filled those eyes with so much pain. I don’t know if I can fix this.
How do you un-break a heart?
You don’t break it in the first place, asshole.
I jump up. I have to find her. I at least have to tell her I didn’t fuck Holly or anyone else since I’ve been with her. I have to convince her of that first. She didn’t deserve what I put her through.
I pull my cell from my pocket and call Tara as soon as I unlock the screen. The phone goes straight to voice mail.
Shit.
I should have known it wouldn’t be that easy. I stuff my phone back into my pocket.
Pulling the door open, it smacks the back of the wall as I exit. I round the corner, coming back into the larger room of the club that houses the stage for live bands. I look in all directions, not seeing Tara, so I head toward the table I last saw Mason and Matt sitting at. They are both still there along with Samantha.
“Where’s Tara?” They all look up at me. They all looked pissed. Matt more so than Mason, but my best friend is looking at me with disappointment in his eyes. I know I fucked up. I don’t need him to confirm it. I don’t need any of their shit. I need Tara.
“Leave her alone.” Matt spits out.
“Where is she? Her phone is going to voice mail.” I will not give up until I find her.
“We all knew you were going to fuck it up with her, but Holly? You couldn’t keep it in your pants from that skank?” Matt’s eyes turn to disgust.
I don’t have time for this. Explaining it to them will only delay me getting to Tara.
“Not now, Lawson. I need to find Tara.” There is a loud commotion behind me. When I look in that direction I see a guy pulling Cole to the side. I turn back to my friend.
“She left.” Samantha’s eyes bare into mine. She hates me right at this moment.
“Where did she go?” Before Sam speaks, the sound of something crashing against a wall draws everyone attention in that direction. The back wall is covered in liquid. I’m assuming Cole through a beer bottle. His body is bowed against the table and the guy looks as though he can’t breathe. His head pops up and he looks our way.
I turn back around. “Will someone tell me where the fuck my girlfriend is, please?”
None of them are paying attention to my question. They’re all still looking at Cole’s outburst.
“Damn it, would one of you—” I stop when I feel a hand grab onto my arm. Turning my face sideways I see its Cole. “What?”
He doesn’t speak at first. The guy looks torn up.
“Jared laid his bike down on the highway about five miles from here.” There’s a sharp intake of breaths coming from the table my friends are sitting at. Maybe they care. I don’t. Jared and I have no love lost. Our friendship ended in high school. Cole telling me he crashed his motorcycle doesn’t affect me. Unless…
“Where is Tara?” My voice booms louder. I look to my friends for an answer. They don’t answer me.
“How bad?” Mason throws a question at Cole. He swallows hard.
“She wasn’t wearing a helmet.” God, no. No, Tara isn’t hurt. It’s someone else. He’s not talking about her.
“Where is Tara?” I yell this time. The music goes dead and everyone quiets down.
“She’s okay, right?” Samantha asks.
“He was…” Cole’s voice cracks. “He was going pretty fast they said.” He looks at me with sorrow. “They pronounced her at the scene, man.”
“This is all your fault.” Matt’s body starts to shake. I look toward Mason. He’s frozen. He’s looking right at me, but he’s frozen solid.
Everything inside me stops, then shatters.
No. No, not Tara. She isn’t dead. I don’t believe him.
“I’m sorry, man. I’m really fucking sorry. She was my friend, too.” I rip my arm away from Cole and I bolt.
I can’t listen to him any longer.
My world did not just stop fucking turning.
She isn’t…
She can’t be…
I don’t know how I got home in one piece. I was shit faced when I broke my girlfriend’s heart an hour ago. Getting smashed was the only way I knew I’d be able to go through with it. Liquoring it up for the past week has been the only way I’ve been able to restrain myself from touching her.
And now she is dead.
Gone.
I’ll never be able to touch her again.
Matt was right when he said it was my fault. I might not have put her on Jared’s motorcycle without proper riding gear, but I sure as fuck shoved her to him. Because of me she wanted out of the club. I’m sure he was waiting for the opportunity to take her from me.
I bring the vodka bottle to my lips, tipping it up so the liquid spills into my mouth. I wanted to numb this feeling, but half a bottle later and it’s still there. Pain. So much pain that it feels as though my chest is being crushed.
I was too drunk to drive to my parents when I left the club. I shouldn’t have driven at all, but I wasn’t thinking that clearly. My head was fogged. It still is. This can’t be real. This can’t be happening.
A shadow crosses me, but I don’t look toward the source.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said what I said.” His voice is broken.
“Get out.” I don’t want anyone around me right now. No one needs to be around me right now. The way I’m feeling, I’m not confident in myself that I won’t do something I’ll later regret.
Regrets…
“Look—”
“I said get out. Leave me alone.”
Matt obviously gets the point. Soon the shadow fades and I’m left alone again. I’m sitting in Tara’s bedroom, on her floor against the foot of her bed. I don’t know how long I’ve been here. Not long, not long enough to drink her away.
What did I do?
They were words. Lies. Lies that ended up being the catalyst that got the only woman I’ve ever loved killed. Words that spilled out of my mouth like vomit as I watched her break in front of my eyes. Words I’ll never be able to take back and words that will still be here tomorrow when she won’t be.
The tears come again. I only know because my vision blurs from the liquid pooling into my eyes. My face is actually numb. It’s the rest of my body that isn’t. I feel sick to stomach. My knuckles hurt, but that probably has something to do with punching my fist through the mirror on top of her dresser. My skin is prickling all over and hasn’t stopped since Cole opened his goddamned mouth.
I’ll never get to tell her how sorry I am or beg her to forgive me.
I won’t see her laugh or smile again. I’ll never be able to watch her eyes when she’s in deep thought and having a conversation with herself inside her head.
I already miss everything about her. The way her skin makes my skin tingle when we touch. The way her smell wakes me up in the middle of the night because I can’t breathe enough of her into me. Or the way she puts my soul at ease when she’s lying in my arms at night when we’re in bed together.
I’ll never get to tell her that I love her, have loved her for longer than I even realized. I’ll never get to ask her to marry me or witness my children growing inside of her. I’ll never get any of that.
Because she gone from my life forever.
My lies and my doubts in myself, my own insecurities that I didn’t know existed have cost me everything. It cost me our future and her life.
Her beautiful life was taken far too soon. It’s not fair.
Why did you take her from me?
But he didn’t. My actions caused her to leave with someone else. She was mine. I was supposed to make sure she was safe and I did fail her after all.
I take another drink, tipping the bottle up longer and gulping as much as I can down until I start to choke. Its serves me right.
Slamming the bottle down to the ground, another shadow crosses the door. Why can’t they fuck off?
“I said, leave me alone. Get out.” I yell not looking up. They can all go to hell.
“Go to hell. The last time I checked, this was still my bedroom so no Shawn, I won’t get out. You can get out.”
There’s a long moment of silence before his face slowly lifts. Shawn’s eyes scan up my body until he reaches my face. I flip the switch on the wall, turning the bedroom light on. Shawn’s eyes don’t even blink.
“Tara?” He says my name in more of a question that makes me look at him a little harder. When I take in his face, what I see looking back at me is a wreck. Shawn’s been crying, but I don’t ask why. I don’t care. I won’t care any longer. He broke me and not just my heart. Shawn broke all of me.
Looking around the room, it looks like a tornado tore through damn near every inch of my room. My bed is disheveled. The contents that were once on top of my dresser are now on the floor. The mirror is broken and if I’m seeing straight, which isn’t one hundred percent with the amount of alcohol I’ve downed tonight, Shawn’s knuckles have blood on them.
“What the hell have you done in here?” Disbelief and shock, that’s what I’m feeling. Why would he do this? What did I do to deserve any this? Hasn’t he done enough tonight? “Why?”
Shawn doesn’t answer me.
One minute he’s sitting on the floor, fisting a bottle of booze, the next moment he looks like he’s the one in shock and disbelief. And now, I’m pressed against the wall with his lips against mine. Everything happened so fast I never saw him coming toward me.
“I thought…God, baby, fuck tell me you’re real.” What does that mean? I don’t have time to give it much thought. I’m pressed harder into the wall as he presses more forcefully into my body. His lips smash down on mine in a bruising manner.
“Get off,” I manage to get out, but that only grants Shawn access inside my mouth. His tongue dives into mine. It’s unwanted. I never thought I’d say that. I never thought, not for a second, not until tonight that I wouldn’t want him. Not anymore. Not ever again. I can’t. I just can’t. “Stop.”
“Baby, I’m sorry.” His voice is a plea. I don’t care. He doesn’t get to play games with my heart.
“Get off me, now.” I didn’t think it was
possible to hurt more, but this, him pressed again me as though he wants me, is too much. My body is shattering all over again. I can’t take this. I can’t take him near me.
“I can’t, Tara. I just can’t let you go. You have no idea, baby. I need you, all of you. Please, Tara.” His begging comes out in raspy gasps.
I shove. I shove as hard as I can and I keep shoving. Raising my knee, I slam it into his crotch. Shawn goes down to the ground cupping himself between the legs.
“Son of a…fuck” His fist pounds into the carpeted floor.
This was a bad idea. I should have never came home.
After Jared dropped me off at Mac’s, I drank more trying to stop the pain, but nothing worked. This isn’t a pain that alcohol will ever ease. This is pain that isn’t going away anytime soon. The longer I’m here, the longer it’ll take for me to get over him. I have to leave. I have to get out of here.
I rode to the club with Samantha tonight so I had to have a cab pick me up from Mac’s and bring me home.
“Tara.” Shawn’s breathing is labored. “Listen, baby. I’m sorry.”
He’s still lying on the ground from being kicked in the balls by me. I know if I’m going to get out, I have to leave now. So that’s what I do. I break for the door, and run until I’m down the stairs and out the door. Within seconds I’m behind the wheel inside my car. I don’t wait, I start the ignition and back the car out of the driveway.
There’s a little voice inside my head telling I shouldn’t be driving, but I don’t pay it a lick of attention. I can’t be here. I can’t be around him.
Not when I still love him.
Even after everything, I love him.
That doesn’t make any sense. How can I love someone the cheated on me? Used me, I guess. If he always knew he’d never make a relationship work, then that’s what he’s been doing the whole time we’ve been together.
He used me.
For sex? He could have gotten that from anyone. I don’t understand.
I press the gas pedal harder.
She’s alive, that’s all that matters.
More Than Lies Page 32