‘Okay, we’re at the front corner of the building. The entrance is forty feet away from our current position, over,’ Al crackled.
‘Hold your horses,’ Jay said into the radio. ‘I’m starting to see the flaw in splitting up, we’re miles away. We can’t see anyone though.’ We walked quickly across the car park to the corner of the store. I could see Vaughan’s head poking out from the other side, and gave the thumbs-up.
‘I can see them,’ I said to Jay.
‘We can see you, over,’ Jay relayed.
‘I know, Vaughan’s just told me,’ Al said. They were both laughing. ‘Meet you in the middle, over.’
We walked quickly until we all met up at the front entrance. The doors were locked, no-one had forced entry and no alarms were going off. Vaughan had grabbed one of those low trolleys you only get in DIY places and tried nudging the doors with it, but it was too low. It wasn’t long before we had sat a second trolley on top of it with its nose jutting over the front end of the one underneath, like a low battering ram. Vaughan backed it up, then he and Al powered towards the glass door, accelerating with each step. It frosted on contact and fell out of its frame in tiny cubes. There was another door inside, but Jay found a fire extinguisher and hoofed it through the glass to the inside of the shop. Still no alarms, probably due to the power cut, although I’d always assumed that alarms were on their own power supply just in case society broke down. We climbed over the twisted door frame and into the cool darkness of the store. It was pitch black, which I hadn’t anticipated.
‘Fuck. I can’t see anything.’ We were totally blind – there were no windows anywhere at all in the building and our eyes were more in tune with the blazing sunlight from outside.
‘What if there are some in here?’ Vaughan sounded worried.
‘There shouldn’t be; we didn’t see any doors open on the way in,’ Al said.
‘But what if they were in here when it all kicked off?’ No-one had any suggestions about that, although I did think someone should stay by the door as a lookout whilst we looked for a torch.
‘Don’t forget batteries,’ said Jay, who had taken up position, sword at the ready. We started out into the cavernous gloom of the store in a group of three, but we lost Al and soon Vaughan trailed off too - so much for safety in numbers.
‘I’ll look down here,’ he yelled, far too loudly for my liking.
I found the torches where I thought they’d be, down by the tape measures and spirit levels. My eyes were slowly getting used to the murk, so soon I could see that only one of the torches on the shelf came with its own batteries – not pre-installed, I was disappointed to see. I burst a packet open, but the batteries skittered away under the shelving at the bottom of the display. I opened another one, more carefully this time, and inserted the batteries. Light.
‘Here you go lads!’ I shouted confidently. I shone the beam up and down the aisle, the sound of my own voice and the thought of a hand on my shoulder giving me goose-bumps. I saw packs of batteries though, and took four of the biggest style of torch down, took them to the batteries at the end of the aisle and selected the appropriate size. I propped the first one on the shelf and used its beam to kit all the torches out with some power. More light. Vaughan was behind me, and I handed him two of the torches.
‘One’s for Al.’ I walked back down the central aisle to Jay, who was still standing guard.
‘I’ve seen no-one,’ he told me. I gave him his torch as Vaughan and Al turned up, heaving a bit of eight-foot by four-foot plywood, which they propped up against the shattered glass door.
‘At least we’ll hear them coming in.’
I showed them the list, ripped off the bottom of it and sent Jay off to get the small bits like the binbags, screws, and gloves. Al didn’t hang around to be issued with a task, and went to look for the chainsaw and the nail guns. I told Vaughan I wanted to sort out the bits we needed to collect water, and he was happy with finding the axes and saws and other stuff we’d need for building shelters.
I found the water butts, and decided on two of the smaller ones instead of one big one of the same capacity in case of accidental tipping or contamination, as well as ease of actually getting them back up to the top of Cissbury Ring. I put one inside the other and unhooked a few bags of extra water butt-related guff it looked like I might need. I walked to the guttering and down-pipes – I knew where these were as I’d only just fitted guttering to the pent roof of my workshop – and selected a good fifteen feet of round pipes the right width, and another fifteen feet of normal guttering. The tarpaulin was flimsier than I’d have liked, but it did mean I could get a better ratio of water-collecting surface area to weight. Jay soon appeared behind me with his rucksack bulging.
‘I’ve got all the bits, plus rope and white spirit.’
‘We should all carry some rope.’
‘I’ve already got all of the good stuff; I just took the whole reel. There’s some chain there too.’
I got Jay to show me what screws he’d picked up, then filled the extra space in my rucksack with screws of different length and purposes, and thinner rope. When I was done we went to find Al, and met Vaughan who was after some chain to attach all the axes and saws to his belt. We took a reel of chain each and moved on. Al was in the power tools section, a large bay overlooking the cash tills and the front doors beyond. He’d found a compact chainsaw, petrol-driven and about a foot long.
‘We won’t need one that’s any bigger than this for the trees up there, but I don’t know whether to get the petrol one or the longer electric one.’
‘We’ve got no way of charging it up,’ I said.
‘Yeah, but I’ve got fuck-all petrol to salvage from the car,’ he said, rubbing his chin.
‘There’s a combine harvester in one of the fields below the Ring. Maybe we can get some fuel out of it.’
‘Okay, petrol it is. I got those,’ he nodded to a stack of four boxes. ‘Nail guns. They take gas canisters.’
I sat on the ground to strip the guns of their packaging. Al had also found several drums of plastic nail strips, so we started to pack them and the chainsaw into his rucksack. Al couldn’t use the saw on the way back up, so he kept back one of the nail guns and filled it with ammo.
‘Now, where’s the safety mechanism?’ He inspected the front of the nail gun whilst I shone my torch at it. There was a metal plate which pushed into the body when it was pressed up against something, which made sure you couldn’t fire nails through the air irresponsibly. Jay got out a roll of gaffer tape and ripped off a few strips, and Al ended up laying the tape crossways over the muzzle, pinning the plate in place.
‘You’ve blocked the end off,’ Jay was prodding the gaff.
‘Watch,’ Al said, as he raised the nail gun and fired twice. The nails burst through the tape and thudded into a chipboard display stand boasting empty plastic tool boxes to many ‘oohs’ and ‘aahs’. We gathered round, poking the heads of the nails which had sunk into the display a good two inches or more. Al showed us the tape on the end of the gun, which now had a neat little hole blown out of the centre.
‘Cool.’
‘Nice one.’
‘Gig buns.’
‘Right, who wants to volunteer for a mission to destroy the denizens of the undead?’ I shone the torch under my chin and pulled a Boris Karloff face, ‘…and to pick up a few bits from my house. I only need one of you; the rest can wait here inside. Keep the radios on; my house is well within range from here.’
‘What do you need from the house chum?’ Jay asked. I showed him my salvage list.
Ordnance Survey Explorer Maps 121 & 122
Ray Mears’ Book of Outdoor Survival
‘Lofty’ Wiseman – SAS Survival Handbook
David Bellamy’s Eye-Spy book of birds
David Bellamy’s Eye-Spy book of trees
Reader’s Digest – The Ever-changing Woodlands
Hugh Fearnly-Whittingstall – The River Cottage Year
Charles Dickens – A Child’s History of England
Bill Bryson – A Short History of Nearly Everything
Collins Paperback English Dictionary
JRR Tolkein – Lord of the Rings Trilogy
Shakespeare – Complete works
John Wyndham – The Day of the Triffids
Big first aid kit
Toilet paper
Antibacterial hand gel
iPod
All TV comedy DVDs
‘That’s a back-pack full in itself!’ Al snorted.
‘I know, but we need all of it. Except maybe the iPod I suppose. I’ve got room in my pack; the water butts won’t fit.’ I was sensing some resistance to my plan.
‘I can see the use of the survival books, and maybe the dictionary and I could do with reading Triffids again,’ Jay mumbled, ‘but what about the DVDs? What are we going to do, hew a flatscreen TV out of chalk?’
‘It’s Partridge.’ I frowned, and then added: ‘Al brought a vinyl LP with him.’
‘I’ll go with you chum.’ Vaughan said, heaving off his rucksack.
‘Okay, well, let’s do it now. Got your axe?’ I asked him.
‘Check.’ Vaughan grinned.
‘Bye,’ someone said it first, but soon we were all sarcastically cackling the two-tone ‘by-eee’ that people do at each other.
Vaughan and I reached the house without seeing anyone. The fires were close now, we could smell them. I still fumbled for my keys at the front door like an idiot, before stepping into the cool dark. I was pleased the fridge didn’t reek, but I could smell something from next door leaching through the walls as I split the list in two.
‘I’ll do the books; the DVDs are all upstairs, but they’re in no order. Get, all the British TV comedy of course, but only on DVD; make sure you pick up Spinal Tap and Ghostbusters though.’ He laughed then saw I was serious.
‘Ooh, and Withnail,’ I said, ‘…and Shaun of the Dead, and Austin Powers. Oh, and Threads. Any Coen brothers. The Romero boxed set, obviously. Just grab a load, but make sure you…’
‘Get the British TV comedy DVDs, I know. Anything else?’
He was being sarcastic now. I worked through the titles on the bookcase, getting half way through my list before I peered into the back garden. I could see no-one out there, although the ladder was now on the ground, having split next door’s fence in two. Maui curled around my legs, and yawned. She’d probably had a fantastic few days. I contemplated bringing her, but decided more weight was not needed. I had already underestimated the amount of stuff I wanted to salvage, and had to add the last minute additions of toilet paper and antibacterial hand gel to what I had already.
Vaughan appeared as I sorted the rest of the books out. We packed them neatly into my rucksack along with the DVDs and other bits. I ditched some of the extraneous stuff Vaughan had chosen - like obviously the remastered Star Wars trilogy - and replaced them with some of my prized VHS tapes. I had inherited my dad’s habit of hitting the record button on significant news days, much to my mother’s – and more recently Lou’s – discontent. I had recorded a ‘live’ mix of the BBC News 24 and Sky News when the attacks on the World Trade Centre happened (I only got home after the second plane had hit though), and a few years later during the London bombings. I had also got some of the various colourful revolutions that had happened in Eastern Europe, and the eve of Blair and Bush’s Gulf War. I had the original transmission of Live Aid, and a fair amount of the first UK series of Big Brother. There were sixteen tapes in all, which I wrapped in carrier bags. Vaughan had to take them.
‘I always end up with carrier bags,’ he said.
I kissed Maui’s soft little head and we made our way back out onto my drive, to the sight of a stinker right in front of us. Vaughan split her head as I locked the door. We made our way back to the A27, picking through the wreckage. A group of them were up the road, stumbling into front gardens, and when we reached the car park in the industrial estate we saw four more.
‘What do you reckon chum?’ I asked Vaughan.
‘Fuck it; let’s just chicken it,’ he said.
‘Okay, after you,’ I started, but he was gone before I’d finished the sentence. I didn’t hang about. I sprinted after him, my rucksack pounding my kidneys. Vaughan was surprisingly light on his feet. We sprinted past the freaks and up to the doors of the DIY store. Jay and Al pulled the plywood from the doors, and we stepped once more into the gloom.
‘Right, is everything packed up? There’s four of them out there.’ I was also eager to get back to Lou – we’d been nearly three hours, according to Vaughan’s watch. Whilst my rucksack of DVDs and books was still on my shoulders I got Jay to sit it inside the water butts as best he could, and gaffer tape their rims to my straps. Hilarious jokes were made about Jay inserting things into my butt. We all made some last minute adjustments to each others’ backpacks, Vaughan tightened his chain belt after I grabbed one of the short-handled axes off him, and Jay bound up our trouser legs with gaffer tape. Al actually tightened his belt – I don’t think I’d ever seen him without his pants showing – and tucked the nail gun he’d been practising with down the back of his trousers.
‘We need to secure this entrance – make it so we can get inside quickly and safely in the future,’ he suggested.
Whilst Jay and I cautiously made our way into the car park, Vaughan and Al briefly discussed angles then took an end of plywood each and hauled it through to the other side of the store entrance. They placed it flush up against the outside of the door frame – it was a perfect fit – and Vaughan leaned up against it whilst Al shot six nails through the wood along each edge and deep into the metal door frame. Vaughan did an amusing face of terror whilst the nails went in around him.
‘You two could have been on Paul Daniels,’ Jay suggested.
We laughed as we trudged across the car park. There was a distinct breeze in the air, for the first time in what seemed like weeks. It was a hot wind, and when we hit the first patch of grass after the tarmac sprawl of the industrial estate I picked up a handful and threw it into the air. It was going north to south – I never knew if that was a southerly or a northerly.
‘At least that’ll blow the smoke from the town out to sea,’ I ventured.
‘Let’s just attack the journey back,’ Al said as we traced our way across the field and back onto the track up to Cissbury. I swept the long grass with my fingers, plucking one out and chewing the stalk. I thought of Lou. Al reached the path first and I saw him look up it and stop dead. I quickened my pace joining him and Vaughan with Jay on my heels. We all stood and stared at the figures dotting the path, shuffling their way up towards the Downs. There were dozens of them.
‘Fuck. That’s more than I’ve seen up here.’ Al said.
‘The wind must be carrying the smell of the camp down here.’ I stuttered, the words catching in my throat. ‘Lou.’
I looked at Jay. ‘Right,’ he said, ‘we’ve got to move. We’ll have to keep moving too, or we’ll get bogged down. Run up behind them quickly, take one each, and keep going after the initial blow. We’ll outrun them, but we’ve got to keep going.’
Al had the first contact, quick to respond, sending a young woman reeling into the bushes with a sideways swing of his bat and a healthy crunch. He moved on to two men, one in what looked like a fast food uniform, the other naked but covered in wheals and sores. He’d been so quick neither creep had noticed him, but he hesitated behind Burger King, bat raised. The temptation was too great - he pulled the nail gun from his belt as Vaughan appeared next to him, raining the long handled axe down again and again on the top of Nature Boy’s head. Jay and I breezed past them, and as Al unloaded three or four nails into the top of the Burger King’s spine, felling him instantly, I heard him congratulate Vaughan with a ‘Dude! G’work!’
I had the edge on Jay even with my heavy backpack, but I stumbled to the floor and the creep I’d singled out turned to face me. Why did I a
lways get them head-on? He was tubby with a goatee beard and a faded Wings T-shirt stained black down the front. I leapt away from him as if I’d been stung, scratching a foothold on the chalky path. I could feel his fingers on my shoulder as I got to my feet and whirled around, flinging my club upwards towards his head. A very lucky shot - I shattered his jaw and sent black-rooted teeth skittering into the dust. The club came cleanly out of the other side, ripping a cheek off which hung loosely from the screws at the end. He was still coming at me, arms wild, when Jay’s sword came over the top of my head and into the top of the stinker’s. As the impact cleanly sliced off a four-inch deep bowl of skull-top he simply fell backwards a few steps, then started coming for me again. He had about a quarter of his head left - the middle section with his eyes and ears - but nothing above his eyebrows and nothing below his nose, except for the other cheek which flapped around the bubbling vent left open at the top of his windpipe. I backed up, colliding with Jay, and pulled out the axe I’d taken off Vaughan. His eyes flickered, looking uncooked in the sun, and the stumps of his jawbone ground away at the air. I took careful aim at the bone and cartilage exposed at the back of his throat and, just as he grabbed a handful of my shirt, I swung.
The axe - still factory-sharp - cracked into his two visible inches of spinal cord and he fell, his grip loosening instantly. I exhaled, looking up the track where the others were getting stuck in, felling freaks at a good rate. I dared myself to look behind me, and saw all the ones we’d passed still flat on the ground, except for the first one who was on his knees but fighting the inside of the bush Al had put him in.
We hacked and thumped and swung and sliced and felled, pushing up towards Cissbury Ring. I remember my backpack feeling lighter than air and my legs bubbling with might as we made steady progress. The zombies went down silently one by one, so that only our own heavy-footedness would alert them to our presence – the wind was in our favour. We ran the gauntlet through the more open spaces, dodging arms and hopping over the zombies which were rolling around on the ground even before we’d had a pop at them.
Breaking News: An Autozombiography Page 16