Keeper of the Keys

by Perri O'shaughnessy

  So Martin wanted to talk about Leigh, and drinking gave him courage. Okay, Ray thought. He’ll get more back than he expects on that subject.

  “We’re different, Leigh and I,” Ray said in a hard voice that Martin should have noted.

  “In my opinion-not so much,” Martin remarked. “You’re yang, aggressive, male, and all that, and she’s yang, too. Yang yang. Like clashing bells.” He breathed in deeply.

  Ray felt the bloom of blood vessels flaring in his face and said nothing.

  “Is everything okay between you two?”

  “What fucking gall, asking me that.”

  “Are you two fighting?” Martin asked. “Because you should tell me. We have mutual clients and Leigh doesn’t answer her phone at work-the receptionist told me she hasn’t come in at all today. In fact, she’s worried.”

  “Poor, neglected Martin,” Ray mocked. “Did Leigh miss an important date?”

  A pause. Martin poured himself another glass, figuring things out. His hand was shaking. “What?”

  “A date.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You’ve been sleeping with her. I assume that involves arrangements.”

  Air blew from between Martin’s sensual lips. Had that attracted Leigh, the exaggerated definition of Martin’s upper lip? Ray rubbed his own with his fingers.

  “Oh, shit, Ray.”

  “I followed you. The Camelot Motel, Torrance, Pacific Coast Highway. Like a country tune. I watched her going in there, wearing that black lace shirt she wears that makes her breasts look big.”

  “Hell. Ray, you’re hurt, man, but I’ve never known you to be mean-spirited-”

  “I watched you leave the motel first a few hours later. You have a nasty five o’clock shadow at the end of the day,” Ray said. “You ought to shave twice like Nixon did.”

  “You probably want to punch me out. I can’t blame you for that.” Martin was already moving into his smooth-over mode; he obviously felt he would not get punched out, that Ray was a professional, for God’s sake.

  Ray continued his own train of thought. “She came out…disheveled. Her blouse hung low on the left and her jeans, they weren’t buttoned all the way up. She was still messing with them. When she came home that night, she said she had worked late and accomplished a lot. I wondered what she thought she was accomplishing at a motel on a noisy highway on Wednesday night with my partner, my former friend. Designing a one-of-a-kind armoire?” He laughed.

  “So you caught us.”

  “Yes.”

  Martin set his glass on the desk and licked his lower lip back and forth, apparently trying to think about how to approach this catastrophe.

  He was so predictable, Ray could have mouthed the words he would say next.

  “It’s completely over. I swear it. She dumped me. She loves you, Ray.”

  “Go on,” Ray said.

  “No need to get worked up about it,” Martin said, and to Ray’s satisfaction, he began to look apologetic. “We’re a good team. Can’t let a mere woman get in the way, even one as outstanding as Leigh. Leigh and I-we never had a regular thing. She was a slipup. Very brief.” He cocked his head as if waiting for Ray to refute this obvious bull. “I’m sorry. I hope we can get past this.”

  Ray said nothing.

  “Can we?”

  “No.”

  “It will never happen again,” Martin said. “Our relationship-yours and mine-is much more important. I can’t believe I put that in jeopardy. I hope you can rethink this once we’ve all had a chance to cool down about it.” Then he asked, “But, Ray, where is she? Her receptionist at work is having to close up the office today. Is she sick? Did she-leave you?”

  “Did she want to leave me?”

  “I can’t speak to that.”

  Had Leigh maintained some feeble level of discretion after all? Had she refused to talk about her relationship with Ray to her lover? Ray hoped so. The woman he married, the one he thought he knew once, would never have betrayed him like that. “When did you see her last, Martin?”

  “Wednesday. We went to the movies. She wanted to end it. Wanted to tell me all about you, how much she loved you.” Gesturing, glass in hand again, he needed to explain some more. He didn’t seem to notice Ray’s hands, fists now, the tension in his body.

  This fury-Ray loved this fury. He felt like he was being defrosted by this murderous heat radiating inside him.

  Martin said urgently, “Ray, listen to me. I’d like to be honorable, insofar as a bastard can be honorable under these circumstances. It was only a few times. When she felt neglected. Trivial. No effect on your marriage, you know?”

  Ray recalled the moment he knew, not the moment he confronted her, just the instant he saw what was going on.

  Leigh had come home, not too late, around nine, on a night a week or so before their final fight, bedraggled, heading for a shower.

  “Come to bed,” Ray had said, worried. “Wrap me in your lovely arms.”

  Her skin under the badly buttoned clothes glowed. Her eyes had a luster.

  Ray recalled that look. Postcoital. He knew instantly. He stepped back from her.

  She didn’t notice. “Okay, sweetie,” she said, needing transition time, grabbing a towel from the linen cupboard, running toward the bathroom. “Just let me take off the day’s grime.”

  So, for ever after, he would think of Martin Horner as the day’s grime.

  “No effect on our marriage, huh?”

  For the first time that afternoon, Martin really looked at Ray. “That’s the last time we got together. I swear it.”

  So, they went to the movies together, not just to creepy motels. The idea of them sharing such casual intimacy crushed Ray. “What did Leigh say?”

  “About?”

  “The future. Ours.”

  Martin sucked unhappily on his wine. “She doesn’t like talking about you, okay? But this one time, she was crying. She broke down, said you’d changed lately. Got cold on her. Scared her sometimes, because you always seem angry lately.”

  “You fucking asshole. You’re a bad friend, an unfaithful husband, an absent father, a lousy architect. I ought to walk out of here and never come back.”

  “Oh, hey, Ray, no.” Martin looked around as if seeking a miraculous solution to his problem. “I screwed up, okay? I’m truly disgusted with myself. I took advantage of her when she was down and I-betrayed a friend. It’s unforgivable. Yes! But this is business, Ray! This is not about the sorry state of your marriage. This is important!”

  Ray stood up to go. Now truly alarmed, Martin grabbed for his arm. “You’re overreacting! We’ve got legal obligations here, Ray! Clients I sold on you!”

  Ray clenched his jaw, took his right fist and hurled it, enjoying the crack it made on contact with Martin’s chin, although it hurt his hand more than he could have dreamed. He might have actually broken bones. He stared at his hand, wondering if he had.

  Martin staggered back. “You think you’re some big creative designer?” he shouted, rubbing his chin, eyes watering. “Let me tell you how it is, Ray. I sell product. You produce it. You’re a fucking technician. I’ve watched you for years stealing left and right from every genius who ever designed a building before. You’re a great mimic but that’s it. Ten years from now, I guarantee you, nobody’s going to be saying breathlessly, ‘Oh, there’s a Ray Jackson building.’ They’ll be saying, ‘Oh, after Louis Kahn. After I. M. Pei. After Frank Gehry or Michael Graves.’ After ever after.”

  “To hell with you. Die, Martin.”

  “You’re the one who’s dead! That’s just what she told me after we made love. Twice! I took her from the rear!” Martin shouted. Ray walked out into the hallway.

  Where big-eyed Suzanne, holding a handful of letters, gulped. “I stayed in to finish his letters, Ray,” she said. “He told me to show some initiative or start looking for another job.”

  Martin now stood in the doorway, still breathing hard. “Leigh told m
e she was afraid you followed her,” he said to Ray’s back as Ray walked toward his office. “I laughed it off. Called her paranoid.”

  5

  B ack in his office, door closed to the world, Ray gathered up the museum plans, breathing hard. Maybe he was having a heart attack, and his hand was puffing up.

  His life was falling around him. First Leigh, and now his work, his refuge. Recalling Martin’s graphic sexual imagery, Ray shivered, thinking that Leigh was so unhappy she had let Martin-let him-damn Martin! And damn her!

  Glad he had lied about having to leave early for a meeting, he tidied his desk quickly, stowing his current projects in one of the enormous flat drawers that held dozens more. Martin’s words replayed through his mind. They had gone to the movies like teenagers!

  Oh, Martin was good, had slashed at him so accurately with words that were only now starting to bleed inside him. “Mimic” in particular, that hit hard. Ray wasn’t thinking so much about himself as an architect when he replayed the word. He thought about himself as a man.

  He went to his window, the one he had sacrificed so much for. Every unhappy adult probably started off as an unhappy child. He must have had happy times. Esmé swore he did. What he remembered instead was taking one step forward and getting yanked back two steps, painfully. He would be a different person now, the man who could have held on to his wife if he hadn’t been ripped out of the soil over and over when he was young, until he’d lost track of who he was and where he was, rolled himself up like a bad set of blueprints, and stopped growing.

  He closed the blinds and flipped off the light, trying to calm himself. Maybe Leigh and his mother had the definitive line on him: he had an unhealthy obsession with the past. Maybe he needed a good shrink to unload on for the next fifty years to work things out, inching toward a wholeness in minuscule increments.

  He couldn’t wait for that.

  Closing the door to his office behind him, he told Suzanne he would not be back. If she wondered why he wouldn’t be back, she didn’t say, keeping her head down over her desk, avoiding his eyes.

  Martin, like any sneaking skunk, had slipped off to some dark place.

  Ray was splintering. Nothing held him together anymore.

  In the parking lot below the building, he ran his hand along the hood of Martin’s Ferrari, admiring the amazing custom paint job, duotone black and blue, so swank the vehicle could be framed and hung on a wall as art. These designers shaped cars like jungle predators, tight-haunched and ready to pounce. Martin kept his baby spotless.

  Ray looked around; he was alone for the moment. He took a key from the immense collection in his pocket, choosing one that was particularly exotic and jagged, and then he ran it hard along the driver’s door, feeling a puerile burst of joy at the sight and sound of such destruction. It left an ugly metal scar, deep. Martin, with two children, a house in Brentwood, a beautiful wife, and many affairs under his belt, ought to appreciate the moronic gesture, since Martin frequently behaved moronically.

  Ray’s own sleek Porsche welcomed him inside, its pleasant cool air blowing around his legs and over his overheated face. He opened the glove compartment; yes, the keys from his childhood were nestled there like old friends. Real friends, sheltering friends. His hand flexed okay, no broken fingers. Martin hadn’t even fallen down. The anger that had propelled the blow had been so powerful it was remarkable that the blow hadn’t sent Martin sailing through the window.

  Ray drove through the dense maze of Los Angeles, along several freeways for forty-five minutes to reach the first address on his list. Ten keys on the ring gave him no indication which key fit what house, but he did have a certainty that each one meant something.

  Norwalk, Bombardier Avenue. The name must have derived from World War II, he decided, plodding up the stark, hot sidewalk. Strange thing to name a street. The Santa Ana winds had been blowing for days, and today the wind blasted furiously and randomly, crazy-making, pricking at his skin, insinuating itself, burrowing disturbingly underneath like unclean parasites. He forged on, wiping dirt from his eyes, excited and fearful at the same time.

  The block seemed deserted. The residents marched out to their cars at seven-thirty and drove through heavy traffic to office parks, where they would attempt to be productive. Then they drove home through heavy traffic to watch the hypnotic blue-lit object in the living room, where they attempted to forget their efforts of the day. The routine hadn’t changed since Ray was a kid. He looked at swing sets in the identical backyards, the scorched plots of grass in front, paint peeling along the gutters, roofs patched, an indescribable decrepitude in a place that must have seemed hopeful fifty years before.

  The builders of these subdivisions hadn’t thought a half-century into the future. They had thought: how fast can we get these things built? The ranch houses showed their lousy construction ethos. Or maybe Ray just knew more now.

  He didn’t know the exact number. As with so many houses in L.A. County, the numbers had changed over the decades. He tried to latch onto the right house based upon his memories of the place, but things had altered too much.

  At the end of this street was the school he had attended in kindergarten. His mother had told him she always tried to move within walking distance of a school. He recalled his teacher, Mrs. Cangi. The five-year-olds called her Mrs. Candy, and thought themselves hysterical.

  He walked on, remembering. He had come home from kindergarten, marched up to the porch, and knocked on the door to his new home. No one answered. His mother, usually reliable, had not opened the door. At first merely frustrated, he had sat down on the steps. Eventually, a neighbor walked by, staring hard at Ray, as if he didn’t belong. Several more minutes passed. No one else came by. The grown-ups were all gone. Planes and bugs buzzed in the stifling sky; otherwise, all was still and very hot.

  Ray began to experience a hollowness that frightened him, as if the bravado was draining from him. Invisible, he only existed like one of the plants in the yard, waving in the wind, unnoticed. He had no way to get inside, no home to go to, no mother to greet him. She had left him, vanished. Reduced to nothing, a bubbling mass of fear by now, he had pounded on the front door.

  He had screamed.

  Moments later his mother, hands full of papers, had torn up to the porch and gathered him into her arms.

  “Where were you?” he cried.

  “Mailing letters.”

  Was this house, on the right side of the street, with a small porch that didn’t look right, the correct place? What about this one?

  Finally, he decided he spotted something familiar, that porch. The one he had screamed upon. Yes, here was the place, painted dirty adobe orange now, with yellow trim, closer to the school than he expected. On the right-hand side he could see the bedroom he had slept in as a little boy, its window covered by a flowered curtain. Recognizing the tiny tract house sent a pang of sorrow through him.

  So it was real. He had not seen this place since they left it. The model he had built of this house was all wrong-the model made it look significant, too clean. The ordinariness-how could he capture that?

  He took a position across the street to observe.

  Nothing happened for some time. Heat waves rose, Hollywood-style mirages above the melting asphalt, unreal, strange. An ice cream truck tinkled in the distance. He remembered the tune. From behind a picket fence two houses down, a dog pricked up its ears, observing him. I don’t know what you’re up to, the dog’s eyes seemed to tell him, but I’ll swear you’re in the wrong.

  At two-fifteen, two children drifted in single file up the road, much as he had done as a child, hot, unhappy, army privates on maneuvers, heavy backpacks already damaging their spines. Marching up to the house, they climbed the steps to the porch, looked around, collected the key from under a pot next to the front door, and entered the dark house.

  Nobody home but the children.

  Ray rattled the keys in his pocket. Probably one of them still matched that front d
oor lock. In California, in suburbia, almost nobody changed locks when they moved into a new home. Why not? Well, people hated spending money. People never thought about trust, about fear. They loved buying a house. They loved getting the key to this new, at least to them, house.

  The suburbs induced a kind of psychotic lethargy. The blandness, the sameness, made it hard to believe anyone would bother to rob you. In the same way, schools of fish flew around the sharks in their patterns, multitudinous, identical. What were the chances you would get picked for dinner?

  These kids, well-trained, had put the key back into its hiding place. Ray watched them place it carefully there.

  Hi-ho.

  He could take their key, not even bother with his, go inside whenever he wanted. And he did want; he wanted badly to see what he would feel like on the inside. Dead, or alive?

  He heard faint crashings and maniacal laughter from the living room. The kids were watching television.

  He watched until another dog, this time right next door, came out for a walk, leading its sharp-eyed elderly owner, biting at its chain, not glancing Ray’s way. He retreated down the block to his car, which had probably reached a hundred twenty degrees by this point, furnace-level. Using his shirtsleeve to move the steering wheel, Ray turned the car engine on, drove around the block, let the a/c cool the vehicle, and returned to Bombardier Avenue, this time parking several houses beyond his old house.

  Good. The big dog and vigilant owner had retreated back inside.

  He approached. Although he didn’t need the key to this house because he knew where they hid it, he had an urgent desire to try his own old key. Would it fit?

  Cartoons blared inside. He twiddled key one in the lock, then key two.

  Etcetera.

  Nothing moved on the street, no other beings stirred. Only the heat shimmered off the sidewalk and parked cars, and the smelly black tar mending cracks in the street melted.