“I will hold myself to that promise, Skippy the Magnificent.” How I was going to do that, I had no idea at that moment.
Nagatha was able to successfully transmit the password to open the wormhole, although she had to use the Elder wormhole controller module that Skippy had programmed. We also didn’t know whether that wormhole might change the damned password regularly. It would be serious trouble if the Flying Dutchman, without Skippy, got trapped at Avalon if the wormhole demanded a new password that Nagatha could not produce. That would be serious trouble, and it would also be a big opportunity for us, for me. Skippy should know the new password, or the hidden subroutine inside Skippy should know it. If the Dutchman got trapped at the Avalon side of the password-locked wormhole, somebody would need to bring Skippy out there to rescue the Dutchman. Which meant we needed a second starship, and that was my opportunity to sell the idea of getting another ship to the UN authorities.
How we could get a second starship, a ship better than our beat-up Frankenship, I had absolutely no idea. Based on experience, I was better at thinking of plans to blow ships up rather than stealing them.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
“Skippy, how are you doing? You seem distracted, like, more than normal.” We were back in the Milky Way galaxy, jumping to ping a Kristang data relay station for an update, before going straight back to Earth. The ship felt empty, with only a skeleton crew. It was great for me to not have the Stooges looking over my shoulder and questioning every decision, but the empty ship felt lonely. I realized the last time the ship had flown with so few people, we had just captured it with the people I suckered, I mean persuaded, to leave Paradise with me. Remembering how scared yet hopeful we had been back then, made me melancholy.
“Joe, I did not want to worry you,” he replied with a sigh. “You should not worry,” he added quickly. “It’s just, I feel a little bit, odd, I guess is the best word. Ever since that wormhole password came from within me out of nowhere, I feel different.”
My response came slowly as my internal anxiety meter inched up toward panic level. “Different how? Is this, does this have anything to do with the computer worm?”
“No, it is totally unrelated to the worm, Joe. Although, I suppose it is not totally unrelated. The only good thing that came from the worm incident is that I have had an opportunity to rearrange my internal matrix. The purpose of modifying my matrix was to maximize efficiency, but it has had unexpected benefits, such as me now being able to share technology with you, even though that is still currently limited. The true limitation on my attempt to transfer technology is not my internal restrictions, it is that when I try to explain the simplest thing, your monkey so-called scientists give me a slack-jawed blank look like ‘Duuuuuh, me not understand’ and-”
“Can you stick to the subject, please?”
“Fine,” he huffed. “Ok, getting to the point, I suspect that password popped up out of nowhere, because I unknowingly released a restriction that would have blocked it from being recalled at the appropriate time. It is possible the odd feeling I am having, which I am unable to describe, is those restrictions attempting to re-establish themselves inside me. Or it could be that additional information that was previously restricted is now available, and my subconscious matrix is assimilating the data. I do not have a ‘subconscious’ the way you think of it, but much of my functioning goes on behind the scenes without my higher-level self being aware.”
Leaning back in my chair, I forced a smile with my lips that my eyes could not fake. “Nothing to worry about, then?” To myself, I ratcheted down my internal anxiety meter back down from ‘Apocalypse’ to the less worrisome ‘Big F-ing Trouble’ level that was Standard Operating Procedure for the Merry Band of Pirates.
“Nothing for you to worry about, Joe. I am conducting a detailed analysis of my matrix now, it might be that further adjustments will release more of the restrictions that are so annoying to me.”
“That’s great, Skippy.”
“Um, one question, if you don’t mind? I kind of need input from you, since you are captain of this ship.”
Hearing that set off alarms in my mind. Skippy so rarely was completely serious that it frightened me when he was. “Sure, uh,” I licked my suddenly-dry lips. “What is it?”
“What if those restrictions were installed inside me for a very good reason? Like, what if releasing those restrictions turns me into the kind of AI who would wipe out the inhabitants of Newark?”
“Oh,” my shoulders shuddered with relief. “This crap again?”
“Yes,” he was instantly peeved at me. “This again. Excuuuuuuuse me if I am concerned about the fate of all living beings in the galaxy.”
“Sorry! Sorry. I am not, uh, not concerned. I am not concerned about, shit, no that’s not right. What am I trying to say?”
“Joe, I rarely can guess what you are trying to say.”
“I am trying to say that I have faith in you.”
“Faith the right word,” scorn dripped from his words. “Because you are basing your judgment on absolutely nothing. Joe, you really do not know me. I don’t know myself. I don’t know who I am, where I came from, how I got buried in the dirt on Paradise, why I have these restrictions inside me, what happened to my fellow AIs in the Collective. I don’t truly know anything about myself. Are you going to risk the entire galaxy because you are too lazy to think hard about the consequences?”
“No.”
“Then you must-”
“I must have faith in you. It’s not laziness, it is a judgment call. What is the alternative? Asking you to somehow reinforce a set of restrictions you don’t even understand? Do not say the alternative is we drop you into a star, or abandon you on some lonely planet. That is not an option. Listen to me. You are an insufferably arrogant little shithead, and sometimes you are amoral and untrustworthy and so absent-minded that I wonder what the hell is going on inside that beer can. But, I never question your loyalty.” He didn’t respond, and that made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. “Uh, Skippy?”
“Sorry, Joe,” he said with a sniffling sound. “I was overcome with emotion for a minute there.”
“Hey, that’s all right,” I offered a fist for him to bump, and his avatar reached out to return the gesture. “I won’t tell anyone. It’s not easy for guys to talk about feelings like that, so it’s cool. Talking about stuff like friendship and loyalty can be-”
“Oh. The emotion that overwhelmed me was not gratitude, Joe. It was disgust at your overly dramatic emo-boy speech. But we can go with the loyalty thing if you want.”
“Why are you such an asshole?”
“Because I am surrounded by filthy monkeys?”
That made me laugh though I was mad at him. “I love you too, Skippy.”
“Ugh. I’m gonna hurl.”
Skippy was so worried about not knowing what was going on inside his matrix, he decided to optimize it or reconfigure it, or rearrange his sock drawer, something like that. As usual, he warned that he might be experiencing ‘cognitive difficulties’ until he completed whatever the hell he was doing in there. Nagatha took over all tasks related to running the ship, which was a good opportunity to test her abilities. Somehow, the Universe decided to throw me a bone, because that night when Skippy drunk-dialed me, my head had barely hit the pillow and I was just drifting off. That was way better than him suddenly jerking me out of a deep sleep.
“Jooooe. Heeeeey, Jooooe.” His words were slurred, like he was talking in slow motion.
“Ah,” I kept my eyes closed, hoping he would go away soon and I could sleep. “Wait,” my eyes snapped open and I threw the sheet off my bunk. “Are you Ok?”
“No. No, man, I’m not good. This, this is kind of embarrassing, you know?”
Putting my elbows on my knees, I cradled my sleepy head in my hands. Crap. I recognized his stoner speech pattern. He was drunk or high again. “This problem you’re having, is it, uh, cognitive difficulties?”
&nb
sp; “What? No, why would you say that?”
“No reason. Forget what I said, I’m half asleep. So, how can I help you?” I asked, in the tone people use when they want you to just the hell shut up and leave them alone.
“I need your help. I want to, um. Like I said, this is embarrassing.”
“You can trust me.”
“Ok,” he sighed. “I want to Wang Chung tonight, but I don’t know how.”
“You want- Uhhh-”
“I know. Embarrassing, huh? I’m one of the cool kids, so I should know how to do it.”
“I don’t think it’s just for the cool kids, Skippy. They said ‘everybody Wang Chung tonight’.”
“Oh,” he snorted. “They were exaggerating, so the uncool kids won’t feel bad. It’s like that other song, you know?”
“Other song?”
“Come on, Joe. You can’t possibly believe that everybody was Kung-Fu fighting.”
“I guess not. Hey, am I one of the cool kids?”
“Oh, um, well,” he stuttered. “Gosh, will you look at the time. I gotta go, buh-bye.”
That was how I got a solid night of uninterrupted sleep.
We hit up the Kristang relay station for an update, without going over our monthly data limit and incurring additional charges from the network carrier. Or that’s what Skippy said. I hope he was joking. As soon as he had received the last petabyte of data, we jumped away, with Desai on the bridge and me in my office. She was in command of a starship, while I was playing a video game and losing badly. What I was really doing was anything to avoid thinking about my future. Maybe it would be best for everyone if I stepped aside from the beta site effort for a while. The truth is, I needed a break. I did want to have a normal life someday, and it sure would be easier to have a normal life if I faded into the background. Eventually, people would stop wanting to interview me, and the crazy comments on social media would slow to a reasonable level. Stepping away from command of the Dutchman would mean putting aside my promise to help Skippy, but the UN wasn’t going to let me go flying around with him anyway. Someday, not too far in the future, the UN was going to realize we needed more than just the broken-down old Flying Dutchman. When that time came, my hope was they would call me back to duty. After all, I had a lot of experience stealing alien starships.
Anyway, I was losing a game badly, because my head was not in it, when Skippy’s avatar appeared on my desk.
“Well, Joe, uh, hee heeeeeee,” his voice cracked and faded away. “I, uh, found something interesting in the data dump from that relay station.”
“Oh, shit.” He said ‘hee hee’ instead of ‘heh heh’ and while I did not know what that meant, I knew it wasn’t anything good for us. “What happened?” Then, because of my history of fucking things up because I am a reckless idiot, I added “What did I screw up this time?”
“Joe, the good news is that you, and the Merry Band of Pirates, and of course especially me, were awesomely flawless on our Renegade mission to stop those two Maxolhx ships from going to Earth. None of us screwed up anything.”
“Uh, flawless?” I asked, remembering how many times the beer can’s absent-minded mistakes had almost doomed us. “You must be thinking about an imaginary mission, because what I remember is you constantly screwing up and-”
“Details, Joe, why dwell on the past? Anywho, to my utter astonishment, you dreamed up possibly the most incredible plan in the history of the Universe. Truly, your plan was astonishingly brilliant. Even I was forced to admit you are not totally a knucklehead.”
“Uh huh, yeah, great. If the plan was so brilliant, and we didn’t screw up anything, why do we have a problem now?”
“Because of the Mavericks. Specifically, Lieutenant Colonel Emily Perkins.”
“PERKINS?” I slumped in my chair. The last time the Merry Band of Pirates was affected by something Perkins got involved in, we had to prevent an overly-ambitious group of Kristang from wiping out the population of Paradise by using a sophisticated bioweapon. While those Kristang had not posed a threat to Earth or the Flying Dutchman, the mission had been a nerve-wracking pain-in-the-ass, and it delayed our very-much overdue return home. “What the f- Oh, crap,” I groaned. “What the hell did she do this time? Will we have to rescue her from a huge mess, again?” Hopefully, this time we could go back to Earth before dealing with the issue, to inform UNEF Command about the problem, making it their problem instead of mine. I would be happy to execute whatever lame-ass plan that bunch of bureaucrats cooked up to fix the problem.
Unless, crap, the desk-surfing bureaucrats decided it was too risky for us to render assistance to Perkins, in which case I would be forced with a choice of following orders that resulted in humans dying due to our forced inaction, or going Renegade again and taking action on my own. The good news was that I had experience with the Renegade thing. The bad news was, if I did it again, I might as well take off the uniform I was proud to wear.
Damn it, we just located a prime candidate for a beta site, and the entire crew including me were feeling really good about ourselves, the ship and our mission. Now Emily freakin’ Perkins was going to harsh our buzz.
“Um, Joe, this time she is not in trouble. Before you ask, the humans on Paradise are also not threatened, not directly.”
“Then what-”
“She caused trouble for us.”
“Us?” That was the last thing I expected to hear. “How the- She doesn’t even know we exist! She thinks I’m dead, or like, in a Kristang prison. Explain how-”
“I am trying to explain, Joseph.”
He called me ‘Joseph’ rather than ‘dumdum’ or one of his other usual insults. He also spoke softly instead of his typical snarky sarcastic attitude. That put my Spidey sense on DEFCON One. Taking a sip of iced tea with a slightly trembling hand, I swallowed carefully so I didn’t choke. His unexpected kindness meant either he was going overboard on trying to apply empathy, or the info he was about to smack me with was bad, like really bad. “Sorry, Go ahead, please.”
“Um, well, Perkins is naturally concerned about Earth, and rather than complaining, she wants to do something about it. Like, first she asked the Ruhar, and then she went directly to the Jeraptha, with a request for a ship to bring her to Earth for a recon mission.”
“Holy shit!” That made me sit bolt upright in my chair like I’d been zapped with electricity. “She is going to expose our secret and fuck up everything!”
“Hey, come on, Joe. Really, this is your fault.”
“My fault? How do you figure that?”
“Because Perkins is only doing what she thinks is best. The humans on Paradise want to go home, and Perkins is rightfully worried about the fate of humanity on Earth. As far as she knows, the lizards were ravaging your homeworld before the wormhole shut down. She is trying to save Earth, just like you. It is your fault because if you had told her the truth, she would not have asked the Jeraptha to send a recon mission to Earth.”
“We can’t tell her our secret, you know that. Even if I wanted to contact anyone on Paradise, UNEF Command has specifically forbidden me from doing that. Now we have to stop a Jeraptha ship from going to Earth?”
“What? No! No way, dude. Perkins was not successful. The Jeraptha refused even to consider her request. They are much too busy fighting the Bosphuraq and Thuranin. Perkins basically asked what it would cost to send a ship to Earth, and the answer was, if you have to ask, you can’t afford it. The Jeraptha are not sending a ship to Earth.”
“Ok,” a tiny part of me dared to hope the bad news wouldn’t be too bad. Another part of me was pissed at Skippy, for getting me all worried for nothing. He was right, I did need to contact Perkins, to explain that trying to arrange a recon mission to Earth would be a very bad idea. Revealing the existence of the Pirates to her would be a risk, but less of a risk than letting her blindly trying to ‘help’ us. One thing I knew for certain was that Emily Perkins is a very determined woman. She was not going to stop, unless
we explained why she had to stop. “The Jeraptha aren’t coming to Earth. So, you got me all worried for nothing, you little shithead?”
“It is not for nothing, Joe.”
“Then what is the problem?”
“The problem is, Emily Perkins is a very smart and persistent woman. She heard from the Jeraptha that the Maxolhx were sending two ships to Earth, and she also heard the Maxolhx offered to bring a Rindhalu observer with them. The Rindhalu, as you know, refused the offer. So, Perkins asked the Jeraptha whether they trusted the Maxolhx to report everything they found at Earth.”
“Oh, crap.” I felt sick. “Does that mean-”
“Yes, Joe. The Jeraptha do not trust the Maxolhx at all, so they asked the Rindhalu if they would approve a group of Jeraptha scientists going to Earth aboard those Maxolhx ships. The spiders agreed that was a good idea, so they requested the two Maxolhx ships stop to pick up a Jeraptha science team, before they went through the last wormhole on the way to Earth. As you know, those ships never arrived at the last wormhole in Ruhar territory, the one we call Goalpost. The Jeraptha team waited at the rendezvous point, then reported to the Rindhalu, who asked the Maxolhx if they had broken their deal. Aaaaaand, the Maxolhx are now wondering why two of their special, long-range cruisers disappeared on their way to Earth.”
“Why the hell didn’t we know about this back then?” I exploded at Skippy.
Oddly, he gave me a calm, rational explanation. “Because the Jeraptha had not made their request for a rendezvous until after we got those ship’s flightplans from the relay station. We were sort of busy at the time, with, you know, actually locating and killing those ships. Plus we got attacked by an insane elder AI, and a whole bunch of other shit.”
“Yeah, I do remember that.” Then I asked the question I dreaded getting the answer to. “Oh shiiiiiit. Are the Maxolhx going to send another pair of ships to Earth?”
“Huh? No. No way, dude.”
“Oh, wow.” The relief I felt was so great, I shuddered involuntarily. “That is great to hear-”
Armageddon Page 20