“Uh oh,” Skippy groaned as his avatar appeared on my desk. “Joe, I have the results of the test I told you about. I was afraid of this.”
“What?” It was never a good sign when Skippy groaned about something. “I thought everything was going well with your Lego project.”
“Most things are going well, or I have plans to work around the problem. However, the main power source is a major, major problem that I cannot fix. I’m sorry.”
“Power source?” I knew he had been working on the ship’s fusion reactors, because his whining about them was at the top of the status report I had to read every damned morning. “Maxolhx ships are advanced, right? What is so special about them? Do they use hydrogen power or something like that?”
“Hy-dro-gen power?” Skippy was mystified.
“Yeah, you know, like, uh-” Admittedly, I was a little vague about how hydrogen could be used as a power source. All I knew was, magazines like Popular Science had articles about how automakers were researching hydrogen-powered cars, and it sounded cool. Although now that I thought about it, the barbershop my father took me to when I was little had magazines that were already ancient, and those magazines had articles about the miracles of hydrogen power. So maybe automakers hadn’t made much progress in, like, forever.
We are still waiting for flying cars. What a bunch of jerks.
“You know,” I waved a hand in the air. “Power from hydrogen.”
“Uh huh. Joe, let me smack a little knowledge on you. If you are thinking of hydrogen fuel cells, which is a fancy way of getting electricity by combining hydrogen and oxygen, my advice is fuggedaboutit. It takes more energy to extract and concentrate hydrogen, than the amount of energy you get out of the reaction in a fuel cell. Also, pound for pound, hydrogen has a low energy density.”
“Uh,” I tried to understand what he meant by that. He called me dense and that was a bad thing, so was ‘low density’ good? Wisely, I kept my mouth shut and let him continue.
“You should not think of hydrogen as a fuel, it is more like a low-yield potential-energy chemical storage battery.”
“But,” I thought back to chemistry class in high school, when Mrs. Boghossian had burned a small flask of pure hydrogen. “But when hydrogen burns, it makes water. Everything else you burn, water will put out the fire, but burning hydrogen makes it! How cool is that?”
“Wow. Oh, oooh,” he pressed the back of one hand to his head and bent his knees like he was about to faint. “You just blew my mind, Joe. I need to lay down with a cold compress on my forehead and contemplate this astonishing revelation. Everything I knew about the Universe has to be reexamined now. Oy, I am verklempt.”
“Oh, shut up. Why are you such an asshole?”
“Why are you still such an ignoramous, despite the best efforts of me and the science team to smarten you up?”
“Well, uh,” now he had gotten me mad. “Hey, we extract fuel from gas giant planets. Tell me, Mister Smartypants, why do we get more power out of that fuel than we spend collecting it?”
“Because, numbskull, we do not extract hydrogen. We extract Helium Three. And we do not use that fuel in a crude chemical exchange of electrons, we crush it in a fusion reaction that tears the atoms apart. Well, actually we use the Helium Three to make an exotic-matter fuel that is more efficient, but I do not want to explain nerdy details to you.”
I kept waiting for him to say the inevitable and much-deserved ‘Duh’, but he left me hanging. He knew I was saying the ‘Duh’ to myself for him. “Ok,” I mumbled.
“What was that?”
“Ok! I said Ok! Forget I opened my big stupid mouth before. What is this major, major problem you can’t fix? The status report this morning said you were about to initiate low-level fusion in one of the reactors, as a test. Did that test go wrong?”
“No, that test went perfectly. Well, close to perfect. Ok, that reactor came within a razor’s edge of a runaway reaction, but that’s why I was testing at a low power setting. The problem is not the reactor, and I am confident the reactors can be scaled up to full power. The problem is their full power level is inadequate to run the ship at its designed capacity. Since my redesign will make the ship perform beyond its original capacity, that is a muy mucho problemo.”
I was pretty sure his Spanish was not correct, but I didn’t argue. “Wait. This ship will have one more reactor than the original battlecruiser had. How can it not have enough power? Were the reactors damaged too badly by the bagel slicer?”
“The reactors have been rebuilt, so the combined units generate ninety-two percent of the original design. The extra reactor takes up the slack for the damaged units. The problem is, those reactors were never capable of generating the full amount of power this ship needs.”
“Uh-” That was the most intelligent thing I could say right then.
“I will break it down Barney-style for you. On Maxolhx warships, the reactor output is used only to access vacuum, or zero-point energy.”
“Zero-point? You mean a ZPM, like in Stargate?”
“No. Well, ugh, yes, sort of. Close enough.”
“So, this ZPM thing is like an Elder power tap? It pulls free unlimited energy from nowhere?”
“No, not even close. Dang it, this is my fault, for trying to explain something more complicated than shoelaces. Actually, hmm, the math of knot theory is fairly advanced, so that’s a bad analogy. Ok, listen up, knucklehead. Even an Elder power tap does not produce unlimited energy, because after a great long time, its connection to the power source gets eroded. Also, the energy is not ‘free’, it comes from somewhere that you are not capable of understanding. Let’s just say that Entropy is going to get paid one way or another. The technology used by the Maxolhx is vaguely, very distantly related to an Elder power tap, but there is an important difference. Once initiated, an Elder power tap is self-sustaining; it will keep itself running. A Maxolhx device is sort of an energy amplifier. It takes a lot of energy to get the reaction started, then you have to keep feeding power into it, or the reaction shuts down. The advantage is that you get more power out, than you put in. Like, typically four and a half times as much power comes out as you put into it. With my modifications, we could get six times as much power out, as the ship’s reactors pump into the device.”
“So, it’s magic.”
“No, it’s, ugh.” He waved a hand around vaguely. “How can I dumb this down enough for you to understand? Basically, the output from the reactors is mostly used to hold open a doorway to a vacuum energy source-”
“Vacuum? You said this was zero-point energy.”
“It is actually neither of those, but as I am trying to explain this to a monkey, does it really matter?”
“Uh, no,” I felt ashamed. “Please continue.”
“Thank you. Joe. Although you monkeys are at the very bottom of the development ladder, you can take some comfort from knowing that even the Maxolhx do not fully understand the technology they are using. They discovered the amplifier effect by accident, while a Maxolhx scientist named Juxla-ut-kel was attempting to reverse-engineer a Rindhalu power generator.”
“It worked?”
“Well, sort of. The Juxla Crater is still visible where a city used to be, so he did achieve a level of success, I guess. Anyway, the kitties know how to use the effect, although they do not truly understand how it works. What matters to us is, use of a ZPM gives this ship the great level of energy needed to make it such a formidable warship.”
“Cool! So, what is the issue?”
“The issue is, all the ZPMs aboard the piles of Legos I had to work with are broken. Shattered, completely and busted, Joe. They can’t be fixed. They can be rather delicate. I was afraid they might be damaged by the bagel slicer, but I was hoping some of them would survive well enough or me to work with. I was wrong. The effect of the reactor power feed cutting out so abruptly permanently severed their connection to the quantum- Ugh. Listen, all you need to know is they are all busted.
I knew that was a risk for the active units, but I expected to pull replacements from the ship’s spares. Unfortunately, because the power cut out so close to an event horizon, there was a feedback effect that disrupted all the ZPMs. Stupid wormhole.”
“Oh,” I cradled my head in my hands and closed my eyes. Why can’t anything ever be simple and easy? “That sucks.”
“Indeed. Imagine how I feel, discovering that after the work I did, it was all for nothing.”
I glared up at him. “People died, you ass. The work you did is the last thing I care about.”
“I am sorry, Joe. You’re right.”
“You can’t take a bunch of these things, and cannibalize parts to get a couple of them working again?”
“No. You don’t understand. Their connection to higher spacetime has been severed. I can access that spacetime, but my power is too great to channel into a ZPM to initiate the reaction. The ZPM would blow and damage the ship. What we need is a ZPM that has never been used, so I can initiate it and make it useful.”
“I don’t suppose they are giving away one of these ZPMs in a Happy Meal?”
“Sadly, no. Taco Bell had a promotion where you could get a ZPM after eating thirty chalupa meals in a month, but they had to cancel the promotion in the interest of public health.”
“Good idea. Even I couldn’t eat thirty chalupas in a month.”
“Without ZPMs, we are-”
“Wait. ZPMs?” I put emphasis on the last ‘s’ sound. “Like, more than one?”
“Sure. We need four of them for each reactor. Didn’t I explain that?”
“Pretty sure I would have remembered that nagging little detail, you little shithead. Fine. Without a full complement of ZPMs- We can’t keep calling this thing a ZPM,” I declared.
“Does it matter, Joe?” Skippy sighed.
“Yeah, it does. ZPM is a Stargate thing, and you said the technology we need is not a zero-point energy device. What should we call it?” I mused, showing that once again, I was focused on what was truly important. “Explain to me again how this thing works.”
“Ugh. The Valkyrie’s reactor power will create a portal to higher spacetime using a null-field, to access potential energy from the vacuum- Oh, explaining this to you is a total waste of my precious time,” he fumed.
“Hmm,” I leaned my chair back and stared at the ceiling. “Ok. Potential Energy Null-field, uh. And it multiplies, or enhances, the amount of energy you put into it. So, P, E, N-”
Reed interrupted me with a giggle, which became a snort that embarrassed her, which made her giggle more. “P.E.N.? Sir,” she could barely talk. “If you plan to call this thing a PENIS Enhancer,” she rocked back and forth so hard she nearly fell off her chair, “you may want to think-” Tears ran down her cheeks, she was laughing so hard. “Again.”
That kind of made my quest to name the ZPM-type thing even more important, because if I didn’t think up a good name, everyone was going to call it a ‘penis enhancer’. “So, this thing is not a Zero Point Module, what should we call it?”
“Ugh. Does that really matter?”
“Do you want me to call it a ‘dingus’ or ‘whatchmacallit’?”
“No! All right, fine. Um, it multiplies or amplifies, power fed into a quantum vacuum, um. How about we call it a Vacuum Power Multiplier?”
“VPM? I like it.”
“Do you have any other idiotic requests to waste my time?”
“No, ‘VPM’ is good. So, can we make one?” I asked, while awkwardly avoiding the amused look I was getting from Reed.
“Nope.” He folded his arms across his chest. That was a bad sign. “We don’t have the equipment to make even one VPM, and we don’t even have the capability to make the equipment we need. It would be easier to get a working VPM, than it would be to acquire all the specialized gear to make one. The factory where the Maxolhx manufacture and initiate VPMs is the size of a small moon, Joe.”
“I was afraid you would say that. All right,” I sighed. “How can we get a bunch of VPMs, that don’t get broken in the process of us stealing them?”
“Well, heh heh-”
He didn’t need to finish that thought.
CHAPTER THIRTY FOUR
Because the crew was feeling triumphant that we now had a bad-ass warship, and because Skippy had just told me we did not, in fact, have a warship at all, I called the off-duty crew into the galley to announce the bad news.
“What’s up, Colonel?” Frey asked after the last few people trickled into the galley. With our small crew, there were plenty of seats for everyone.
I opened my mouth, but Skippy spoke before I could say anything. “As you all know, I have been working nonstop to bring the Valkyrie online. This has meant my bots have been unavailable for routine duties aboard the Flying Dutchman, and that much of our reactor output has been dedicated to supplying the Valkyrie. Laundry has not been done, artificial gravity has been reduced to sixty percent of Earth normal, and training opportunities for pilots and the STAR team have been limited. I appreciate the sacrifices you have all made, and I wish I could say it will be over soon. However, I now have an additional workload to handle, and dedicating my resources to this new task will delay bringing the Valkyrie online. This is a little embarrassing to say, but, well,” He paused and mimicked taking a breath. “Joe wants me to work on building a penis enhancer for him.”
If people had their eyes open any wider, they would have popped out of their heads. And all those eyes were staring in shock at me. “No, that is not-” I was drowned out by the crew laughing uproariously. There had been a second of stunned silence, until Reed burst out laughing, and everyone joined her.
“Hey!” Skippy glared at the crew. “Let’s face it, the guy needs all the help he can ge-”
“Not funny!” I shouted.
“You are right, Joe.” He put his hands on his hips and glared at the crew. “It is not funny and people should not be laughing at you. You are very brave to admit-”
“I am not admitting anything!” I screeched.
“Oh, Joe,” he shook his head. “This is so sad. The first step in getting help is admitting that you have a problem. Your example can inspire men with your problem to-”
I lunged forward to grab his avatar around the neck so I could strangle him, but he winked out of existence and instantly reappeared a few feet away. I slapped the table there, then the next place he jumped to. There I was, playing wack-a-mole with a holographic avatar.
It was not my finest hour.
The game ended when my scalp tingled as he appeared to be standing on my head, and I slapped myself so hard I saw stars. His avatar floated in the air near the ceiling on the far wall, where I couldn’t get him. I was out of breath, and I couldn’t look up to meet anyone’s eyes.
“Sir,” Reed had gotten her giggling under control. “Sorry. Everyone, the, um, enhancer thing was my joke. Skippy discovered that to make the Valkyrie work, we need a vacuum-power thing to multiply, or boost, the output of the reactors. Which,” it was her turn to glare at the supreme asshole. “He should have known before we started this project.”
“Hey!” Skippy protested, uncomfortable that now all eyes were looking at him rather than me. “I couldn’t have known this would be a problem! Well, Ok, I suspected it might be a problem. Very likely would be a problem, I mean, almost certainly, um-”
“You are not helping your case,” I was grateful the attention of the crew was no longer focused on me.
“I didn’t know for sure,” he muttered. “Anywho, why dwell on the past, right?”
“The Valkyrie can’t operate without this booster?” Desai asked, just as surprised as I was when I heard the bad news.
“The ship can fly,” I explained. “But without these Vacuum Power Multipliers-”
“These?” Desai asked.
“Yes. We need a bunch of them,” now I was feeling uncomfortable again. “Without VPMs, the Valkyrie can’t do all the things that make a Maxolh
x warship special.”
“That is true,” Skippy nodded, feeling safe enough to come back onto the table. “Without power multipliers, the Valkyrie might lose a battle against a Jeraptha destroyer. Many of the critical defensive and weapon systems aboard a Maxolhx warship are very power-hungry. Also, we need additional VPMs to upgrade the Dutchman. And for spares. We need lots of those.”
“Very well, Sir,” Smythe addressed his comment to me. “Give us the bad news, please. What must we do to get the VPMs we need?”
“Well, heh heh,” is all Skippy said, and everyone groaned.
“Hey, Joe,” Skippy’s avatar appeared on my desk without warning. He did that often enough that it shouldn’t have startled me, but I still wasn’t used to it. Also, I had an immediate shock of guilt, because I had been playing a video game when he called. It made me feel like I was in school and the teacher caught me with a comic inside my textbook. Not that I ever did that, of course.
It was stupid of me to try turning the game off when he appeared, he already knew what I was doing. That was probably why I could not get past Level Two in the freakin’ game. He had to be messing with me.
“Hey, Skippy.”
“Why so glum, homeboy? You should be happy! We have a bad-ass battlecruiser, plus enough leftover parts to upgrade the Flying Dutchman so it’s not just a space truck.”
“Why am I glum? Jeez, I don’t know,” I directed my sarcasm at him, which was unfair. He had performed above and beyond my already unfairly high expectations, the fault was with myself. Maybe I needed to study about empathy. “Let’s start with the fact that we do not have a bad-ass battlecruiser. We have an underpowered ship that can’t operate the systems that make it a warship. Same with the Dutchman. None of those upgrades will make any difference unless we can steal a set of working VPMs to boost the output of the reactors. So, we have yet another impossible freakin’ task; to steal a bunch of Vacuum Power Multipliers.”
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