Returning Home

by Riann C. Miller

  She stands up, looking years older than she did earlier today. “I’m beat. I think I’m going to take a nap, then I’ll start dinner.”

  “Okay.” I wait until her bedroom door clicks shut, then I grab my keys off the counter. She can avoid me all she wants but I have questions and Samantha Harris appears to have the answers.

  I was fuming when my VA doctor told me I couldn’t drive while my arm is in a sling but now that I’m behind the wheel, I can see where he’s coming from because it’s harder than fuck to turn the wheel with only one hand. Not to mention, I lied earlier to Sam; my arm fucking hurts. The pills my doctor prescribed leave me feeling drowsy, almost lethargic. Like I’m living in a cloud, my sense of control is nowhere to be found. And I live for control, it’s the only discipline left in my life.

  Pulling up to the old Harris’ farmhouse, I smile. Nothing has changed. If it weren’t for the fact that Edward Harris lives here, I’d almost feel like I’m home. Sam’s dad worked a lot. When we were kids and wanting time alone, we always came here. Many nights when I was overseas, I’d close my eyes and I’d return to Sam’s bedroom. I’d have her tight in my arms, the only place I ever felt peace, but that’s no longer the case.

  I carefully slide out of the truck and walk up to the front door. I knock a few times before taking a step back. When the door opens, my breath catches in my throat.

  “Can I help you?”

  A miniature version of Sam is standing before me. A young girl with long black hair and hazel eyes, the same girl I’ve pictured in my head when life was at it’s worst.

  “I was… I’m… I’m here to see Sam?” I mumble, my eyes continuing to take in the girl before me. Her eyes light up and when she smiles, I swear it feels like someone punches me in the gut. My legs suddenly feel weak, forcing me to lean against the porch railing.

  “Who’s at the door?” Valerie, Sam’s best friend appears next to the girl. “Oh it’s you. I heard you were back in town.”

  My mouth is too dry to form words, but I ignore Valerie, my gaze never leaving the girl.

  “Sam’s not here so you can get lost.”

  “Aunt Val, don’t be rude.”

  “Okay, fine. Sam’s not here so you can kindly leave.”

  I glance at Val to find a smirk on her face while a thousand questions travel through my head, starting with the fact that this girl looks old enough to be mine.

  Val shakes her head. “She’s tall for her age but she’s only nine.”

  Clearly, I did little to mask where my mind was heading. “I thought maybe…”

  “Oh, I know what you thought. You can’t imagine Sam’s life moving on after you dumped her like a bad habit but I can assure you, it did.”

  Val turns to the girl. “Katie, why don’t you go check on our cookies?”

  The girl—Katie—smiles again and I swear something inside of me moves.

  “Yes, Ma’am.”

  Katie slowly steps away from the door but not without looking over her shoulder one last time. Questions, probably like the ones dancing in my head, shine from her bright eyes.

  “You need to stay away from Sam and Katie, do you hear me?” Val hisses the second Katie is out of sight.

  “I came here to talk to Sam about my mom. I didn’t even know…” I rub my good hand over my face. “I didn’t even know she had a daughter.”

  A daughter… Sam has a fucking kid.

  A kid that’s not mine.

  Maybe she married after all.

  Val sighs. “Sam’s not going to tell you anything about Margie. That woman is like a mother to her and a grandmother to Katie. If Margie doesn’t want you to know what’s going on with her, then so be it.”

  My mind flashes to another night, standing in almost this exact same spot, only that night it wasn’t Val putting me in my place, it was Edward Harris. I was a loser that was going to drag his only child down and he wasn’t about to sit by and allow me to ruin her life… and he was right.

  “I’ll leave.” A sadness washes over me; only this time when I walk out to my truck, I promise I won’t destroy the lives of everyone I love.

  Sam

  I find myself mindlessly counting the flowers on the ancient kitchen wallpaper when the screen door opens and Val walks in.

  “Where’s the mini-me?”

  “Upstairs, in the shower.”

  She plops down in a chair at the table. “Did she tell you Luke stopped by earlier?”

  “What?” I practically shout. “No, she didn’t. What the heck did he want?”

  Val runs her hands through her silky red hair and frowns. “He was asking about Margie but…” her voice lowers to a whisper. “He thought Katie was his.”

  My mouth opens with a gasp. “He did?”

  “He didn’t come right out and ask, but I could tell he was wondering. I made sure he knew how old she is.”

  My daughter is a complete blessing but when I first found out I was pregnant with her I didn’t believe that. I still had a year left of nursing school and the guy who knocked me up was looking for a good time and nothing more. I debated getting an abortion but it went against everything I believed. Then I convinced myself I’d give her to a family who could offer her everything I couldn’t but from the moment I felt her kick, I was in love. She was a piece of me and I couldn’t let her go. Since then I’ve bent over backwards to make sure she’s has everything she needs, including a loving family.

  “Katie looks and acts like she’s fourteen. I couldn’t blame him for wondering.”

  “No matter how much he hurt me, I wouldn’t have done that to him.”

  “I know sweetie and I think deep down Luke knew that too. I think he almost wished she was his.”

  I glance at Val, my mind racing through every promise he made me. Luke claimed he wanted kids and lots of them.

  “I think Katie is curious about him,” Val adds.

  “I’m sure she is. She’s heard Margie talk about him and she’s seen his pictures throughout her house.”

  Katie knows Luke exist but she doesn’t know about my history with him. I didn’t want to answer the questions I knew would come over the years if she knew Margie’s son was once upon a time the love of my life.

  “Where Katie is concerned, nothing has to change.” I force a smile, not believing a word I said. Margie’s health is failing and she’s refusing help. I don’t think she’s in denial, I think she’s been waiting for the day Luke was finally out of the military and safely home before she officially gave up. She’s never refused a test before and Luke is the only thing different in her life.

  “It sucks that time has been good to him, at least in the looks department,” Val snickers. “Yeah, if anything Luke looks better now than he did in high school, while I have a flabby

  stomach covered in stretch marks.”

  “Oh shut it. You have a great career and a daughter who adores you. Outside of looking hot, what does Luke Runyan have to offer anyone?”

  I shrug off her question because the truth is, I know absolutely nothing about the man. I thought I knew him, but I was wrong.

  Val jumps to her feet and walks toward the fridge. “Let’s go outside and drink a bottle of wine and forget all about the Runyans for a change.”

  “Sounds perfect.” I grab two wine glasses out of the cabinet, knowing no matter how hard I try, both Margie and Luke are going to take up space in my head.

  After spending most of the night tossing and turning, I walk out the front door half asleep, pausing when I notice Luke leaning against the hood of a new cherry red Ford pick-up. Anger instantly boils to the surface only, I’m not sure who I’m mad at. Luke for barging back into my life like I meant nothing to him or at myself for still allowing this man to affect me after all these years.

  “You’re not supposed to be driving,” I snap, heading straight to my truck.

  “You have a daughter.”

  My feet falter and my legs go weak. My conversation with Val wasn’
t enough to prepare me for this moment. I owe him nothing, yet there’s a small nagging voice in the back of my head that feels the need to explain, especially if he thought, for even a second that Katie was his.

  Turning back around, I answer, “Yes, I do.”

  A smile tugs at the corner of his mouth. “She’s beautiful.” His voice cracks. “God, when I saw her it was like looking at you again for the first time.” He takes several steps in my direction. “She’s exactly how I dreamed she’d be.”

  My stomach drops. “Who?”

  “Your daughter. Only when I dreamed about her, she was always our daughter.”

  My breathing picks up, my heart wildly beating while I attempt to process his comment.

  Our daughter? That doesn’t make sense.

  “Are you married?”

  Reality smacks me in the face like a bucket of cold water. He doesn’t know anything about my life because he ran off seconds after he shattered my heart.

  “Not that it’s any of your business, but no I’m not.”

  He mumbles a soft curse that sounded like, thank God then he smiles, reaching for my hand but I quickly take a huge step backward.

  “Where’s her father?”

  “That’s none of your business,” I say through clenched teeth.

  He takes another step my direction. “I think you’ll always be my business.”

  I force a laugh. “I stopped being your business the night you told me we were over.”

  A night I’ve yet to forget.

  “Sam.” His voice sounds desperate. “I’ve only ever wanted what was best for you.”

  Shaking my head, fighting past the tears that threaten to fall, I turn on my heel and rush to my truck. Once I’m safely at the end of the driveway, I glance in the rearview mirror. He’s standing in the same place I left him with his head down.

  I don’t know what he’s doing or why he suddenly seems interested in my life but I can’t let myself forget how he shattered me into a million pieces.

  Luke

  With my past twirling around me like tornado ready to touch down, I go in search of my mother. There are only a handful of places she’d be, so it doesn’t take long to find her.

  “Why didn’t you tell me she had a kid?”

  She sits the coffee cup in her hand down on the kitchen table with a long sigh. “It wasn’t my place to tell you.”

  I bite back a groan of frustration. I’m pissed… at myself. I made everyone—including my mother—believe I don’t give a damn about Sam but the truth is, she’s owned my heart since the day I met her.

  “I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to keep anything from you. I just didn’t think it was my place to tell you.” She pauses, placing a hand over my good one. “I’m sorry about a lot of things, including the fact that I tend to forget joining the army was Casey’s dream, not yours.” She squeezes my hand. “When you saw Katie, I’m sure it was a reminder of the life you truly wanted.”

  I pull my hand from hers and stand up. “It’s okay, Mom. What’s done, is done.”

  Casey isn’t a topic I want to discuss with anyone, least of all Mom.

  “You’ve spent years running but it’s time to make amends with your past.”

  The wooden chair she’s sitting in scrapes across the floor as she slowly stands up. “I don’t blame you for what happened, I never have.”

  My jaw ticks and my face goes hard. Unfortunately, Mom isn’t done with me.

  “I need you to forgive yourself. You have to let go of the past and grab ahold of the future you’ve always wanted.”

  I ignore the edge in her voice, plastering a fake smile on my face. “I’m happy. I’ll be even happier when I lose this fucking sling.”

  “You don’t believe that any more than I do. Not a day has passed since you lost Sam and Casey where you’ve been happy.”

  My chest tightens to the point of pain. I’ve spent years existing but I wasn’t living. I focused on being the best, pushing myself to limits most people would never consider but a good day was one where I drank a cold beer and slept in a bed. The insurmountable goals I set, only distracted me from the pain that always lingers close to the surface.

  “You and Casey were so different but you were both amazing kids. I only wished you would believe that.”

  The room suddenly feels incredibly hot. I yank on the collar of my shirt, trying to pull in a deep breath of air. Between pants, I manage to ask, “What exactly are you asking me to do? He’s gone; I can’t fix that. If I could go back and change things… God, I’d trade places with him in a fucking second.”

  “The only thing I’m asking you to do is forgive yourself. It wasn’t your fault any more than it was mine.”

  In a moment of panic, I make a dash for the door. Unable to listen to another word, I climb back into my truck, fighting against the pain. Driving isn’t easy, but staying there a second longer wasn’t an option.

  In Jasper, it’s like time stood still. Everything appears familiar yet vastly different.

  The same run-down gas pumps sit out front of the town’s only gas station while the paint on the building is slightly darker. I can’t help but smile remembering the time Casey and I convinced Mr. Brown that aliens had invaded the town. Or the time Todd and I snuck beer out of the cooler to take to a party…but the happy memories I once had are long gone.

  After parking the truck, I get out and leisurely walk through town. There was a time when I thought I’d I never leave. My small minded thinking paired with so many in town that I didn’t envision a life passed the county lines. Sam and Casey were different. They both acted like there was a noose tightening around their necks, strangling the life out of them.

  The flashing open sign on the diner across the street catches my eye. The diner… that was our place. After school, Sam and I would stop in every day for a milkshake and fries. Without even processing what I’m doing, I walk across the street, open the door and step inside where I’m greeted by the amazing smell of grease and ice cream. Instantly, my stomach rumbles. Hesitantly, I walk over to the booth we always sat in and take a seat. The last time I sat here, Sam was with me.

  “Oh my, if it isn’t Luke Runyan. I thought I overheard your mother saying you were coming home.”

  I nod at Pam, the same little lady that’s worked here from the first time I stepped through the door.

  “What can I get you?”

  The order slips out of my mouth before I can stop them. “Vanilla milkshake and an order of fries.”

  “Some things never change.” Pam chuckles while walking toward the kitchen.

  If she only knew how different things are.

  I close my eyes, breathing in everything around me. I shouldn’t be here, not without Sam. My eyes open while I dig money out of my wallet, ready to dash out the door when Katie, Sam’s daughter, walks in.

  “Katie bug, make yourself comfortable; I’ll have your order out in a few!” Pam hollers from the back of the diner.

  I glance around, wondering why a nine-year-old would be by herself when she spots me. With a huge smile on her face, she walks over and takes the seat across from me.

  “You’re Luke Runyan.”

  This girl doesn’t only look like her mother, it’s clear she’s just as fearless.

  “I am.”

  “Margie showed me your picture. She talks about you all the time. How come you’ve never been home?”

  My leg is nervously bouncing under the table. How is it possible a little girl is making me this uncomfortable? “I’ve been home a few times.” When her eyes thin, I quickly add, “But you’re right. I don’t come home often enough. My job, it kept me very busy.”

  “Busy?” she repeats with a sour expression on her face. “If I didn’t love my mama and granddad so much, I’d want to live with Margie. She’s the best. I couldn’t imagine being too busy for her.”

  Katie delivers a direct hit to my heart, one that’s a thousand times more painful than the bullet my shoul
der took.

  “Katie bug, did your mother say you could hang out with strange men while you wait on your granddad?” Pam questions, placing my milkshake and fries on the table.

  “He’s not a stranger, he’s Luke.”

  One simple comment and my world flips upside down. This sweet girl just met me, but the pride I heard in her voice when she said my name makes me feel ten-feet tall.

  “Well… just make sure you tell your mama,” Pam adds before walking off.

  Katie’s eyes are locked on mine and I swear she can see something in me that I’ve tried to keep hidden for years… fear.

  Lowering my eyes to the table, I push my fries to the middle of the table. “Want some?”

  She grabs one and dips it straight into the milkshake…exactly what Sam and I used to do.

  “I take it you eat here with your mom?” I chuckle.

  Katie shakes her head. “No, I usually come with my granddad. Mom doesn’t like eating here.”

  She hates coming here…

  “Who taught you to eat fries with your milkshake?”

  “Mom. We fix them at home sometimes.”

  Sam doesn’t avoid our tradition, she just avoids the diner. I glance back at Katie, only to find her still staring at me.

  “Do you love my mom?”

  I choke on a fry while the miniature version of the love of my life waits for me to answer her. I want to tell her the truth, which is I’ve always loved her mother and I always will.

  “I’m asking because if you do, then you need to ask her out.”

  I clear my throat. “It’s not that easy.”

  “Yes, it is,” Katie challenges, never once backing down with her unnerving stare.

  “I did some things that ended up hurting your mom.”

  “Have you told her you’re sorry?” she questions, shoving another fry into her mouth.

  I open my mouth to defend myself but words won’t form.

  How does one apologize for breaking someone’s heart?

  “Mama says you should always apologize; that way you’ve done what you can to make amends with someone, but that doesn’t mean they have to accept your apology.”