Over at the window, he slid his hands in his pockets, staring out at the desert. I’m sure this was hard for him. Just as it was for me. Our lives would change on many levels.
“Are you shitting me? Can we at least talk about it?”
“No. I’m pretty resolved.”
Blake punched the credenza. “Do you think selling now will buy you credibility? Take your tampon out and get back in the game.”
My neck popped as I twisted it back and forth, my agitation grew.
“Mac. She liked you. Don’t…”
“It has nothing to do with credibility. I just don’t want the lifestyle anymore,” I lied.
“Bullshit!”
My teeth gritted together when he shouted.
“We’ve been in this together from the start. Don’t do this…”
This time, I turned and walked away from my best friend…my business partner…my soul brother. I had a girl to find.
Chapter 19 ~ Sam
Dr. Limp Dick wasn’t nearly as good-looking as I recalled. And he seemed a little less than thrilled to see me. But then again, he seemed a little less than excited the time before. And of course, I stood before him in my scrubs.
“How are you, Samantha?” he asked, resting his hand on Becca’s shoulder.
“I’m fine. Thank you.”
“Please, you two. Come on in.”
His office was warm with natural colors and a few landscape pictures decorating the wall. Comforting. Just in the two weeks since I’d been home, Becca had deteriorated. Her face was sunken in through her cheeks. The dark circles under her lifeless eyes resembled a raccoon.
“I’m not going to sugar coat it, Becca. The cancer has spread again.”
“What do you mean, it’s spread again?” I sat upright.
Confusion clouded his face. “Does she not know?”
“Know what?” I asked, my eyes shooting back and forth between them. Becca’s head barely shook, but it did shake.
“Before you left on your cruise, Becca had an MRI. The cancer had metastasized to her liver and lungs.”
My head snapped toward Bec so fast my neck popped.
“What?” I whispered, as a lone tear etched its way down her cheek. “Bec.” Her name came out in a rushed whisper. “Why?”
After she swiped a tear, her eyes met mine. “You wouldn’t have gone. You would have stayed here. You needed that trip. You’re more alive than I’ve ever seen you.”
Her words ripped through me. “That’s not fair. That was my choice to make,” I cried.
Becca rose to her feet and came to me, her arm outstretched, her hand reached for mine. She was comforting me. This was so wrong, but the abundance of emotion was like a wrecking ball in my head. My hands clutched her shirt as if this would be our final goodbye.
“How much time?”
It was a cruel question but one I needed answered. I needed to tell Kat and Juls. I needed to prepare. I wasn’t ready to let her go.
“Not much,” she whispered.
“Payton?” An uncontrollable sob tore up my throat as I said her daughter’s name. My hand clasped over my mouth. How unfair to lose both parents. Her father in Afghanistan. And now her mother to cancer… so fucking unjust.
“Samantha. I need you to be strong. Payton will need you…and Jake.”
Her raspy voice held little emotion. I seemed to carry enough for both of us. I couldn’t breathe…couldn’t even get a breath. A softball seemed wedged in my throat.
“We talked about this,” she said, swallowing hard. “You said you’d take care of her. You’d be like her mother.”
“Jesus, Bec. Of course I will. She’ll be my own. You know that. But I thought that was a what if…”
Becca nodded. “It was a what if. But what if is now.”
With her frail hand, she wiped the big tears that streaked my cheeks.
“Sam. She’s my daughter. My blood. I need you to raise her like your own. I need you to…”
“I will, Becca. You know that,” I raised my voice.
Then she warily lowered herself in the chair as if that’s all she needed to hear.
I glanced around the office. Jay was gone. He’d left us alone.
“I need to speak with Jay. I’ll meet you at the car, OK?” she asked.
“What was the purpose of me coming here today? To tell me?”
She nodded weakly. “Yes. I knew you’d have questions. I needed his support.”
Catching a breath was growing increasingly difficult. No matter how hard I tried, my chest felt tightened with each attempt. This was more than I could handle. I wanted to talk to Kat…to Juls…to Mac. Coming up behind Bec, I enveloped her in my arms. She laid back into me and we both silently wept. Friends since the beginning of our time. When I felt her stiffen, I too pulled away, brushed a kiss over the top of her hair and walked out.
It wasn’t until I hit the car…that I absolutely lost it.
Chapter 20 ~ Mac
There she came sprinting out the door straight to her car. Something was wrong. Her friend wasn’t with her. I glanced up at the name of the place again. Oncology Center. Fuck. Was she sick? The thought shook me to my core. I wanted to go to her. Could fate deal a more cruel hand by taking her away?
She sat sideways in her car with her feet out the door, still in her cute little purple scrubs. She buried her face in her hands. The pull in my chest was too much to bear. When she glanced in my direction, I flipped the visor down. Though it was doubtful she’d see me, I wondered if she’d recognize me. The sun caught her eye and she looked away.
Suddenly, she glanced up as if someone shouted at her. With a forced smile, she stood swiping her hands over her face, quickly walking to her friend. Her very fragile looking friend. Sam wasn’t the sick one, thank God, it was her friend.
Her friend swatted at her as she tried to assist her to the car. As the friend sat, Sam kissed her and then ran around to the other side. Sam looked thinner… I didn’t like that. Every part of me hoped that douche bag Bryan was still out of the picture. Maybe it was time to pay him a visit too.
I watched as Jake got out of his dad’s truck and darted up to the house. His mother’s house. Sam’s place. Beautiful. Perfect. Exactly what I thought her house would be. I smiled when Jake disappeared through the garage door. I waited for dickhead to pull away…he didn’t.
He sat in the driveway, and every part of me was mentally willing him to go. I wasn’t ready for her to see me—but if he forced my hand, I’d make my reappearance back into her life.
Shit. His brake lights shifted into park and then he got out of the truck, walking up toward the front door. My eyes measured his every cocky step. He tried pushing his way in, but the door was locked, so he knocked. I silently prayed that no one answered.
Sam did. As far away as I was, her expression was not a good one. Actually, it was blank. Whatever he said, she shook her head. Again. Again. His hands, palms up, were out to the side as he pled his case. My guess was asking for her back…again.
She started to head back into the house when he grabbed her arm. Instantly, my hand went to the door handle as rage seeped through me slowly. I was ok with it now…seeing her…her seeing me.
She jerked her arm away, jabbing her finger in his face. Then Jake came to the door. Immediately, his father-stepped down. Jake’s glare was serious and one I never wanted to have turned in my direction. I released the door handle the minute fuckhead backed down and returned to his truck.
For the first time, life had dealt me a hand that I didn’t know how to play. I still couldn’t pin point the moment it happened for me. Somewhere between the dolphin hauling her ass out to sea, witnessing our downfall when she was belted to the chair or the moment I realized she was gone. Regardless, somewhere along the line—the ante was upped. Living in Nevada…and I’ve never been a gambler. Everything inside of me told me she was worth the risk.
Chapter 21 ~ Sam
Four weeks had passed sinc
e Becca broke the news to me. Even today, as I walked down the corridor of the hospital, I staggered like a zombie to the elevator.
“Congrats, Doc,” Wendy said as I passed. “You always make that look so easy.”
“The mother did the hard work,” I chuckled, winking at her.
“True. But you are awesome in there.”
Wendy knew Becca was in a hospital bed in my living room with a full-time hospice nurse at her side. She knew that my son was equally attached to Bec and struggling too. She knew that I came back from the cruise with a broken heart but didn’t know the what’s, who’s or why’s. She knew that every day was a struggle and enjoying the birth of a baby was hard when every day I was experiencing the death of a soul sister…a sister by choice.
I yawned as the elevator door opened; it was full but people parted to let me on. My Fitbit buzzed, marking my thirty thousand steps for the day. I’d spent nearly twenty-four hours awake…working. At this point, I’d sleep against a wall. Without Wendy assisting with her team, the delivery an hour ago would not have gone off without a hitch.
I got my phone out to text Jake. To check on Becca. To see what he wanted to eat. It seemed like we lived a fast food life as of late.
“Dibs.”
The voice sent a chill up my spine. Without looking, I knew instantly who it was, but as if I moved in slow motion, first my head, then my body turned to scan the faces of the people in the elevator. When our eyes connected, I melted…all of me wanted to crumble under his scrutiny. The look in his eyes possessed me immediately. Within that silent moment, he claimed ownership of me again.
I glanced around the elevator, taking a head count.
“Since you are stealing my word, you may want to know how the game works. There are three woman and four men standing here. Whom are you calling dibs on?”
The other occupants looked at both of us hesitantly.
He inched my way, his towering presence overwhelming me.
“You know damn good and well whom I’m calling dibs on.”
The elevator opened, and it was like a sudden burst of oxygen to my lungs…I stepped off…he followed.
“Mac.”
“Sam,” he mimicked me.
“I can’t do this right now.”
“Then don’t.”
Flustered, I turned to face him…to face…this…head on. His shoulders seemed broader, his chest wider. He was still full of confidence.
“What do you want, Mac?”
There was no way I could look at him for long. Every ounce of resolved slipped away…
“Your time.”
He’d said that one other time to me, on the ship.
“I have so much on my plate right now. My time isn’t even mine to give.”
“Sam. You’re burning it from both ends. Running on all cylinders. You have to give yourself a break.”
Tears flooded my eyes without warning. I fought to hold them back. He’d either talked to Kat or Juls, or I suppose, Blake. Wow…
His arms came around me and I didn’t fight it. I couldn’t. He’d caught me at one of the most vulnerable times in my life. I wanted him to hold me. It was like coming home from a long trip.
Once he had ahold of me, my body collapsed into a heap. A blubbering exhausted heap. I had zero fight left in me.
“I’m sorry, Mac,” I cried as he cradled me in his arms.
“Shh.”
Ordinarily, I would have argued over him shushing me, but truth was, I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want to feel. I just wanted to have him hold me and make everything go away.
***
The smell of coffee lured me from sleep. My feet were tangled in the sheets, and as I kicked them off, my eyes caught movement. I wearily sat upright. Mac sat in a chair, sipping a coffee, with his feet resting on the end of the bed. The night before flashed back through my brain.
“Mac…” I whispered.
“Good morning, Samantha.”
Morning? “What time is it?” I frantically glanced around for my phone…for any of my things. “Where are we?”
“Relax, Sam. Jake is at school. Juls called him. Becca is with the nurse. You needed your sleep. You can’t give what you don’t have. You have to take care of you.”
I released a pent up breath, covering my face with my hands. Honestly, I didn’t know how to respond to this. I’d never been taken care of. There was so much to do.
“How do you know all that? Juls? Kat?”
He nodded. “Yes, for the most part.”
There was no direct answer to my question. It wasn’t important how he knew. The point was…he knew.
“Where are my clothes?”
He tilted his head toward the chair opposite him. My scrubs were folded neatly over the back.
“You took my clothes off?” The image in my head caused desire to stir.
“It wasn’t the first time.” The look in his eyes matched what coursed through my veins.
“Scrubs are pretty binding. I can see why they would need to come off,” I said sarcastically with a hint of a smile.
He uncrossed his legs and then crossed them with the opposite ankle resting on his knee. “They didn’t need to come off. I simply took advantage of the situation and wanted to see you naked.”
“Oh yeah, I can see why you’d do that. I played so hard to get the first time.” I pursed my lips.
“Why’d you bail?” he asked…my humor lost on him.
“Bail? Bail on what? Our fuckfest?”
His Adam’s apple jutted out and back in as his eyes darkened.
“Yeah. Was it that hard to stick it out for the last two days.”
This man had no idea the difficulty of walking away from him. The restraint to have not contacted him on some level over the past month. And now, here he was…alone with me…in a hotel room telling me everything that was going on in my life.
“I’m sorry for what happened,” he whispered.
My eyes darted up to his and then away. I didn’t really want to talk about this. I’d replayed the situation over and over again in my head. Outside of me being scared for a few seconds, nothing bad had happened. Mac had fought to defend my honor.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left. The minute that happened—every wall that you’d demolished shot back up. That.” I swallowed. “Was…the worst loss of control ever.”
When he rose to his feet, my heartbeat escalated. My entire body warmed with anticipation.
“Maybe I shouldn’t have left you there to go fight,” he said, indecision obvious in his tone. “I wasn’t gonna to let him get away with pictures of you…of us.” He towered over me, standing next to the bed, his eyes jetting back and forth like he still vacillated between right and wrong.
Anxiety surged through my body as I reached for his hand, outweighing any I’d felt before. Rejection rested on his response, and I couldn’t handle the thought. When our hands made contact, all the walls came tumbling down. His eyes instantly softened as he exhaled a long, slow breath.
“Mac. Leaving was so hard. But don’t you understand that goodbye two days later was only gonna be harder?”
Somewhere between kneeling and falling…he wound up on his knees next to the bed. His forehead rested on my thigh.
“Why? Why would saying goodbye be so hard? We were just fuckin’, right?”
If his words were meant to hurt, then he was successful. Hypocritically, I’d said the same thing, but I didn’t mean it. I stared up at him wondering if he did.
“Yes. But it was still fun.” I was supposed to be the grownup here. All of me wanted to tell him how much I longed for him now. To shout my desires to him. For him to fulfill every one of them again. Over and over. When I asked if he wanted more, his answer was no…
My phone buzzed on the dresser breaking the tension. He retrieved the phone, handing it to me.
“Hello?”
“Dr. Casey.”
“Yes?”
“We need you at hom
e,” Maggie said. She’d been the hospice nurse for the past 30 days.
Instantly, I shot out of the bed and went straight for my scrubs.
“I’ll be right there.”
With no hesitation, Mac grabbed his keys along with other things lying around. My attention was more on what I was doing and what awaited me at home. My tummy turned over, causing a wave of nausea.
“Tell me about Becca,” Mac asked, shifting gears in his sports car. I vaguely remember him buckling me in last night and thinking that the car suited him.
“She’s very my best friend. Her husband was killed a few years ago. They have a little girl…Peyton.” Tears appeared out of nowhere.
“Cancer?”
I nodded. “It’s eaten her entire body…organ by organ.” No matter how I said it, the end result was the same.
“I’m sorry.”
His words touched me. Probably more than they should. I wanted him to hold me. To comfort me. I wondered when he drove directly to my house how many times he’d been there. Even after he parked in the driveway, the car still idling, I didn’t ask. Never once did he ask for directions.
Before I could even move, he was out of his door, around the car and opening mine.
“You’ve been here.” It wasn’t a question.
“Yes,” he said softly, his gaze shifting away from mine then his hand cupped the small of my back as he guided me indoors.
Maggie met us at the door.
“Dr. Casey, I’m so glad you’re here.”
“Hi, Maggie. What’s going on?”
She pressed her lips together, frowning as she shook her head. I shoved past her, rushing toward Becca’s bed. My heart stopped for a moment, seeing her seemingly lifeless body lying on the bed in the middle of the room. She’d dwindled down to nothing…a mere skeleton was nearly all that was left. I knelt next to the bed, caressing the shriveled skin on her hand.
“Where’s Peyton?” I whispered.
“At school,” Maggie said.
Gently, I placed my fingers against her wrist; the faintest pulse beat beneath my tips. I inhaled deeply, holding my breath—wishing I could give her my oxygen…maybe even life. Her ragged breaths were the only noise in the room.
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