by Lily Harlem
‘So I opened the mail while she ranted about the car’s new rattle and how she didn’t trust it to make the journey to Hull. I said I would take a look and all the time I was hard as concrete, the plug doing its job regardless of Nadia’s constant disappointment in me. I felt hot and feverish with excitement. If only she knew that her husband had a big butt plug up his arse and a raging hard on that would rival any porn star’s.’
‘But she found out, eventually,’ I said.
‘Yes, and it was my own fault, really. I got greedy.’
‘How come?’
‘Within a few weeks of that day I was wearing a plug nearly all the time, not just in the house but out on the farm. That constant state of arousal became the norm. I liked it – it made me feel alive. No, more than that, it made me feel when I hadn’t felt anything in months. Eventually though I decided I wanted some more, bigger, better plugs. I’d heard you could get vibrating ones. I fancied that, could just imagine how great they would feel. I wondered if they were silent and I’d be able to sit watching EastEnders with Nadia in the evening, buzzing away and her know nothing about it.
‘So I dug out the details of the place that sent me the original toys and went online and put the order in. I spent nearly two hundred pounds. Bought whatever I fancied. The bigger the better, ridged were great and so was anything that had a battery.’ He frowned. ‘Now don’t get me wrong, nurse, I’m not gay. I didn’t buy anything that vaguely resembled a penis, that isn’t what this is about. If another bloke tried to shove his cock up my arse I’d deck him. I think of women when I’m aroused, sexy, hot, naked women.’
I nodded seriously. I could see that was a big deal for him. He might be a fruitcake but he was a straight fruitcake and that was important.
‘I had a wonderful time with all my new toys. I liked one called the Bionic Bullet the best. It was a good size but when it started vibrating it was awesome. Had me stiffer than a bull’s horn I can tell you. But each plug had its own merits, its own advantages. My favourite, though, was a thick squat one – it was made of glass and seemed to stay cool, even when it had been inside for a while. It was perfect for wearing for a long period of time, through dinner with the family, or watching one of Nadia’s soppy movies in the evening. It kept me hovering in a nice state of arousal for hours until I could go and relieve myself in the bathroom before bed.’
‘So what went wrong?’ I asked. ‘How come you’ve done this to yourself today?’
He shook his head, shifted slightly. ‘Nadia found my stash. It was a Wednesday, I got back from the weekly market expecting ham and eggs, and instead my plugs were all set out on the kitchen table.’
Nice. ‘Did she know what they were?’ I asked.
‘Yes, she’s not stupid. She hit the roof, went into the fridge, grabbed the ham I was supposed to have for my tea and threw it to the dogs. She then stormed off and I didn’t see her for several hours.
‘I put the plugs away and hoped that was the end of it. She would either come back for her designer wardrobe or not. That suited me as well as anything, I guess I’d pretty much given up on her.
‘But she did come home. Silent and moody, and as soon as I went out to check the cattle she got rid of all my back-entry treasures. Every last one. I was upset. But what could I do? If I bought more I knew she’d find them, dispose of them again, or maybe worse, serve them up in a casserole pot for Sunday dinner when we had the family round. I wouldn’t put anything past her, the mood she’s been in.
‘So that’s when I began to experiment. That full feeling, the arousal, the secret in my arse had become a habit – no, more than a habit. A need. When my bum was empty, I was empty. Sounds strange to say it but I kind of felt bereft.
‘Then, not long after, I was in the bath and my attention fell on a bar of soap. Next thing I knew I was easing it in. Felt bloody amazing after a few weeks of being empty. I got out of the bath feeling like myself again.
‘Best thing was Nadia had no idea and I didn’t need to worry about hiding anything. I replaced the soap with a fresh bar on the side of the bath and that was it, I was ready to go downstairs to watch Silent Witness.
‘Except what I thought was good really wasn’t. My guts began to growl and spasm. Then it was all I could do to get up to the bathroom in time to expel the soap. Didn’t feel nice, I can tell you. But despite my discomfort I knew I was on to something. I just needed to find home-made objects to slip up there. Nothing chemical, that just hurt, and nothing that wouldn’t be able to find its way out if I couldn’t grab it.
‘I fashioned a couple of plugs out of candles, they were pretty good. Vegetables were fine too, but didn’t last that long, and let me tell you, ginger root burns to high heaven. If anyone ever offers you a ginger root butt plug, think twice. How hot do you really want to be?’
‘I’ll bear that in mind,’ I said, making a mental note and also hoping I’d never be in the situation where I’d have to use the information. ‘So how did you end up needing a doctor the first time?’
He sighed. ‘I’m a bit of an obsessive type of person. Always have been, so thinking up new ways to plug myself became my every waking thought. Nadia knew none of it, or if she did she turned a blind eye. Until, that was, I made the mistake of using one of her Impulse perfume bottles. I think it was Hint of Musk, quite a nice one. It went in fine and had a good length, felt pretty substantial as I moved around, sorting out some feed deliveries. But then later on, I realised it was stuck. But not only was it stuck, the damn thing was leaking. I was farting perfume, smelt like a bloody pansy. This all happened right as Nadia came out of the bedroom hunting for her Impulse. I couldn’t hide my distress, I was farting yes, but the damn sprayer must have been going off all the time. My guts were filling up with gas of an unnatural kind.’
‘That must have been awful,’ I said, making a concerted effort to keep my face straight. This poor guy really was an act-now-think-later kind of bloke.
‘Well, she took one look at me, put two and two together, guessed my secret and called the ambulance. I felt that was a bit extreme, after all, I only had a perfume bottle stuck up my arse, wasn’t like I was in a car crash or anything. But I wasn’t really in any fit state to argue. I didn’t know whether to hop about, lie down, or try and poo it out.’
‘Sounds terrible.’
He shook his head. ‘It was. And never again. It was the first time I felt scared of what I’d done to myself. And then when they had to sedate me, pull it out … I was pretty embarrassed.’
‘But you’re back here now? Why?’
‘Yeah, I’m a tosspot, aren’t I?’
‘Well, I can see you have your own reasons for doing this, but still.’
‘I was self-controlled for ages after the Impulse affair. But then it started up again. Just a shampoo bottle when I was in the bath at first and then a carrot when Strictly Come Dancing was on. Nothing seemed to quite hit the spot though, do you know what I mean?’
‘Yes.’ No. ‘So what happened today, for you to take such a risk again?’
He sighed, closed his eyes for a long moment then opened them again. They held a look of defeat and resignation. ‘Earlier me and Nadia had another row about that woman in the tractor shop. Apparently the new John Deere 5GH series is in and she called and left a message to let me know. Well it was a make or break row, neither of us can continue the way we are, living in virtual silence and as strangers. Let’s just say the conversation didn’t go well and afterwards I went into the tool shed, sat down and my attention fell on a box of spare light bulbs. The top one looked just like one of my old plugs. Smooth, a good size and a tapering shape. The next thing I knew I was circling the pointy end around my bum-hole. I told myself out loud how stupid it was, but then, because of the lube I suppose, it was in. Damn thing felt good, a solid wedge of pressure right where I needed it. I got hard instantly, breathed through the lovely sensation and stared out of the shed window at the sunset.
‘It wasn’t unt
il I stood that a wave of panic washed over me. Damn thing felt so delicate inside me and it was sliding higher. I’d been a prat yet again. And this time I knew it could be the end of my arsehole forever if I didn’t get some serious help.’
‘You were right to come straight here.’
‘Well, Nadia guessed what I’d done as soon as I very gingerly walked into the kitchen. She didn’t say a word, just got her coat and handbag and ordered me to lie down in the back seat of the Land Rover, on my stomach.’ He shrugged and shook his head. ‘And now you poor people have to deal with me.’
‘Everyone makes mistakes.’ I rested my hand over his. ‘But once this is over, once the surgical team extract the bulb, then what? Will you stop?’
‘Yes, I won’t ever do it again. Not now.’
‘I do really think this should be the last time,’ I said, ‘with home-made plugs, at least. It sounds like they’re the ones that land you in the most trouble, physically.’
He sighed. ‘Yeah, but Nadia won’t allow me to have proper ones.’
‘Then you need to get inventive with your hiding places, or else just buy one plug and keep it hidden … you know where, all of the time.’
‘Mmm, maybe you’re right.’
‘But mostly, you need to have a long talk with Nadia about her lack of ability to trust. How about going for some marriage counselling? Do you think that would help?’
‘I don’t know if anything will. She hates me.’
‘If she hated you she wouldn’t still be at home cooking and watching TV in the evening with you, and she certainly wouldn’t have been concerned enough to drive you all the way here on a wintery night. I think another, impartial person moderating a proper, honest conversation might get things back on track for you both, in and out of the bedroom.’
His face brightened a fraction. ‘You can get people to do that?’
‘Yes, of course, that is what marriage counselling is. Would you like me to get you the information on where to go for that help?’
‘If you could, that would be great. She might finally see sense. If she’ll come with me that is.’ He shook his head and his face fell again. ‘Which I doubt.’
‘I get a feeling, from what you’ve told me, that she does still love you, and if that’s the case then I’m sure she’ll want help. But there is obviously something else going on in her head, something that needs examining.’ I paused. ‘Maybe she’s been cheated on in the past.’
He creased his forehead into a deep frown. ‘She has, her ex was a total ratbag to her for years. She couldn’t believe a thing he said. Prick.’
‘There you go. There are trust issues she needs to face and then come to the understanding that not all blokes are cheats.’ But lots are ratbags, I added silently as my heart subjected me to a familiar pang of loss. ‘And learning to trust again is a slow process, no matter who you’re with. It’s like having a glass vase shatter and trying to carefully piece all of those shards back together again, in just the right place as they were before.’
‘But I’ve never cheated on her and never would. Hell, I couldn’t believe my luck when she married me two years ago. A beautiful woman like her, wanting to spend her life on the farm with me. I thought I’d died and gone to Heaven.’
‘And I’m sure she couldn’t believe her luck.’ I rested my hand over his. ‘Stick with it, get some help and you never know, the rest of that box of toys you won, it might just come in useful after all.’
He managed a half smile and I looked up as Javier opened the curtain. ‘Is theatre all set?’ I asked
‘Yes.’ He flashed a winning smile and strolled in. ‘Good news, I have spoken to Mr Hartley, the consultant on call, and we are going to use sedation to remove the foreign object. That will make for a much quicker recovery period and you’ll be able to go home by sunrise.’
‘Oh, that’s good,’ Tristan said.
‘As long as all goes well.’ Javier frowned. ‘Which we can’t guarantee and is why the procedure will be carried out in the operating theatre, just in case there is a … er … mishap with the glass and more extensive surgery is required.’
‘Yes, absolutely, whatever you think, doctor.’
‘Did you get some history?’ Javier asked, turning to me.
‘Yes, a little.’
‘Great.’ He held the curtain open and made a small gesture with his hand for me to exit the cubicle.
I smiled at Tristan. ‘Theatre staff will be here in a few minutes to collect you and I’ll get that information put in your notes, you know, the name and numbers of who to call to get some mediation.’
‘That would be great, and, you know, thanks for listening.’
‘You’re welcome.’
Once outside the cubicle, Javier cupped my elbow and steered me to one side. ‘What did you learn from him?’
‘That he just can’t help himself. It’s a compulsion.’
‘Do you think he needs a psychiatric referral?’
‘Marriage counselling more like. He needs to find a different way to cope with his distrusting his wife rather than shoving things up his bum-hole.’ A sudden image of Javier and Iceberg flooded my mind – them together in out-patients, her bent double and him ramming in from behind. His stethoscope swinging, white coat flapping and his buttocks clenching.
I looked at Javier now and I just didn’t believe it. The guy was super-hot and far too suave for a bitchy cow like her. Would he really?
‘You ever done it?’ Javier asked, a wicked glint in his dark, velvety eyes.
‘What?’ I knew damn well what he was talking about, but a naughty part of myself wanted to hear him say it.
‘You know, up the arse?’
I pretended to look indignant, though it was hard when his looming proximity was doing funny things to my knees and his aftershave was once again messing with my thought process. ‘No,’ I said. ‘I have a perfectly good part of my anatomy that does the job just fine.’
‘Sensible girl,’ he said, reaching out and tucking a stray strand of hair behind my ear. He let his hand hover on my shoulder, his fingertips just brushing my neck.
‘Why? Is it your thing?’ I asked as a tingle went over my scalp.
He shrugged. ‘To have something in my rectum, no.’
‘How about to dish it out?’
‘No, I’m like you. The traditional way is perfect.’ He lowered his head. ‘And did I ever tell you I think you are perfect?’
I laughed. ‘Now you’re talking rubbish. If you knew me at all you’d know that I’m far from perfect.’
He looked hurt. Oscar nomination hurt. ‘Sharon, nearly two years we have worked in this hospital together. I know you very well, and I do indeed think you are perfect.’ He slipped his finger from my collar to the indent of my throat. ‘Your pretty eyes, your luscious blonde hair, your lips so kissable. And how you smell, your slim ankles in sexy stockings, the curve of your neck, the list goes on and on.’ He made some kind of appreciative click with his tongue. ‘It is all so perfect for me. You are perfect for me.’
‘That’s very sweet of you to say so.’ He was a grade-one flirt that was for certain. But it was OK, because I’d given myself a personal mission to shag him asap and it seemed he had the same thing on his mind.
‘I am a sweet guy.’ He grinned teasingly. ‘So perhaps if you are looking for a foreign object to insert you will think of me.’
Shocking! I twitched my eyebrows. ‘Maybe I will. Italy is part of the EU but still foreign to a Yorkshire lass.’
He leaned a little closer. ‘Let’s get to it soon. You have made me wait so long I ache, right here in the depth of my heart.’
‘In your groin more like.’
‘Nurse Roane. Doctor Garelli.’
A sudden, all too familiar, sharp voice, shook me from my moment of being flamboyantly, if slightly ridiculously, wooed. I turned and saw Iceberg standing with her hands on hips and a flush on her cheeks, staring at us from the middle of the department.
‘Have you nothing else to do but hang around all night chatting?’ she asked.
‘Lisa,’ Javier said, stepping away and holding out his hand towards her. ‘I was just thinking of you.’
I suppressed a laugh. Damn the guy had no shame. If he didn’t have the Armani looks to go with his smooth tongue he’d be heading to the stocks for a shower of rotten tomatoes and soiled incontinence pads. The nurses here just wouldn’t put up with it. Me included. You didn’t need to be a genius to know that everything that came out of his sexy mouth was sugar-coated crap.
‘Mmm, it didn’t look like you were just thinking of me,’ Iceberg said, glaring my way but her voice softening as Javier approached.
I folded my piece of paper into my pocket and tucked away my pen. I didn’t catch her eye. She had enough against me as it was; giving her extra ammunition wasn’t sensible, even in my book.
‘I most certainly was,’ Javier said. ‘I am taking a patient to theatre and I needed to let you know that if things don’t go to plan we will need a surgical high dependency bed.’
‘Mmm.’ She looked suspiciously at him. ‘Really.’
‘Yes, you know that you are always the one I go to when there is something I need.’ He gave another award-winning smile then glanced at his pager which was ringing. ‘Damn, I have to nip to Eyre Ward before I scrub up.’
‘OK, I’ll catch you later,’ she said with a smile.
‘Yes, later.’ He turned.
‘And let me know about that high dependency bed,’ Iceberg called after him, her voice all light and breezy as she gave a little wave.
Yes. She had it bad for him. But was it reciprocated, or was he just using her affection to keep his life easy? Get the senior night nurse on board and he’d have a sweet ride through his time here. It was a sensible plan.
‘I will,’ he said as he strode across the department. His shoes clacked on the floor and his loosely opened coat swished. He caught the attention of staff and patients alike as he went, all probably wondering what snazzy US medical drama he’d floated in from and where the camera crew was hiding.