by Lily Harlem
The music had changed, to another fast-beating track, but I hadn’t noticed until now. I’d been so wrapped up in Carl. Every stroke and lick of his tongue had made me forget where I was. ‘Er, yes, you’re right, we should.’
He smiled and I wondered if he realised just how much he’d gotten to me. More than any other bloke for ages. And it wasn’t just his body I was after, it was his kisses, caresses and smiles too. Being with him felt right. Not that things hadn’t been right in my life before I met him, I’d been fine being single. Since Michael I hadn’t wanted anything serious, but now, I definitely felt better than OK when I was with Carl. I felt great.
We wound our way back towards the table, my thoughts spinning about this new, deeper level of attraction I was feeling for the man holding my hand. I watched the way his shoulders shifted beneath his shirt as he moved, how three creases pulled taut between his scapula, and how his hair tumbled over his collar, a few curls sticking up since I’d just run my fingers through them. A little thrill that he was mine, that those little licks of soft, ruffled hair were mine, for this evening at least, warmed my chest.
Arriving back at the table, I saw the guys had been ordering food. Several plates of chicken and chips were set about as was a whole stack of crisps, dips, garlic bread and creamy mushrooms.
It smelt good and I reached for a hot, fat chip, blew it and munched.
I stopped mid-chew, my mouth inelegantly open. What the?
Tim was leaning half out of his wheelchair, holding Rachael by the shoulders as he kissed her thoroughly. She seemed quite happy with the arrangement and was reciprocating with equal enthusiasm, her palms placed on his chest.
‘Whoohoo, Tim’s getting lucky on his birthday,’ Nick shouted then wrapped his arm around the girl in the florescent blue dress he’d been giving the eye to earlier. She was sitting on my chair sipping from a vodka-mix drink bottle. She looked in no hurry to go anywhere. I’d lost my perch.
Next to her was another girl, in Carl’s seat, wearing a similarly ridiculous dress and holding Johnny’s hand.
‘Everything still works down there,’ Johnny was saying to her. ‘I’m only in a wheelchair because of my ankle, nothing wrong with my todger.’ He pointed at his groin and grinned. ‘It can get up and go with the best of them. Full working order.’
Bloody hell. Five minutes was all it’d taken for them to hook up. And Rachael and Tim? I should have seen that coming.
I reached for my purse, took a slug of Chardonnay and spoke into Carl’s ear. ‘I’m just going to the ladies’, back in a minute.’
I squeezed and apologised my way through the crowd. Eventually I came to the restroom, which had a picture of a female devil on the door, and escaped the thud of music.
After visiting a cubicle, I re-applied a slick of gloss, ran my fingers through my hair and squirted on my favourite perfume, Cashmere Musk. Oh, bloody hell. I would have to use this bottle up and then find a new fragrance. Musk reminded me of Tristan with the bottle of Impulse up his bum. He’d totally ruined it for me. The thought of him farting out that musky spray was enough to put anyone off it for life.
‘Sharon.’
I turned. It was Rachael. Her cheeks were flushed and her eyes wide.
‘I feel terrible,’ she said. ‘That shouldn’t have happened. Oh, what am I going to do?’ Tears brimmed on her lower lids.
‘What do you mean?’ I asked, dropping my perfume back into my purse.
‘Tim. Me and Tim. I know you saw. You’re very kind to pretend you didn’t, but –’
‘Hey, it’s none of my business.’ I held up my hands and shook my head.
‘But it’s misconduct, against the rules.’ She clasped her palms over her cheeks. Two fat tears dripped down her face, dragging with them a smear of mascara. ‘How could I have risked my job? I worked so damn hard for that qualification. You could go right ahead and report me to Iceberg or Personnel. In fact, you should, right now. It’s what needs to be done.’
‘Hey, hey, you’re getting your knickers in a twist,’ I said, plucking a tissue from my bag and handing it to her. ‘I’m not going to say a word to anyone, least of all Iceberg or Personnel.’
‘I don’t want to get you into trouble for withholding information though,’ she said, sniffing loudly.
‘One thing I’ve learnt over the years, Rachael, is knowing when to keep my trap shut, and this is definitely one of those times. I couldn’t give a stuff about withholding information.’
‘But if anyone finds out there’ll be an investigation, a tribunal, the R will have to get involved, so will the Nursing and Midwifery Council. It will be a nightmare. I’m so ashamed of myself.’ She sighed theatrically.
‘Really?’
‘Yes.’ She frowned. ‘Don’t you realise how serious it is to have a sexual relationship with a patient? It’s totally forbidden. Frowned upon by everyone.’
‘Have you had sex with Tim?’
She looked horrified. ‘No, of course not.’
‘Then why are you worrying?’
‘Don’t you see? The intent is there. We’re attracted to each other. We “want” to have sex.’
Intent, for crying out loud! If she could see some of the intents I’d had over the years that had turned into thoroughly scandalous, real life, actions. There was no doubt in my mind Rachael would keel over in shock. Blimey, imagine if I told her about my most recent shag on the autopsy table, and damn, she’d probably have a straight out heart attack if she knew I’d given a patient a handjob a few nights ago, just to make him feel better.
‘I really think you’re making a big thing of it,’ I said, leaning towards the mirror to check for stray mascara.
She blew her nose. ‘Do you?’
‘Yeah, a kiss, for heaven’s sake. No one here will say anything, so as long as you play it safe until Tim’s discharged then you’ll be free to hook up.’
Her shoulders sagged and she let out a deep sigh. ‘Do you think so?’
‘Sure, worse things happen than two people being attracted to one another. Don’t sweat it.’
She reached for her lipstick and began to fix her well and truly smudged outline.
We were silent for a minute then she said with a smile, ‘He really is a seriously talented kisser.’
I grinned. ‘He’s a great guy. You’ll be good together.’
A dreamy glaze went over her eyes. ‘He says when I walk onto the ward it reminds him why he fought to stay alive when they were in that awful ditch. He didn’t know my name or what I looked like, but the minute he saw me it all fell into place why his life had been spared.’
‘I didn’t realise he was such an old romantic,’ I said with a grin. I liked Tim. He wore his heart on his sleeve and I could see why Rachael found that so appealing. Not to mention his blond, surfer-dude looks and buff body. He was a bit on the thin side at the moment, but he would soon bulk up again once he was able to move about.
‘So was it instant attraction?’ I asked.
‘Yes, he might have been lying in bed all smashed up but I still thought he was gorgeous.’
‘Ah, that’s sweet.’
‘Well, not everyone would think lusting after a patient was sweet, but you just can’t help it when someone captures your heart in a way no one else has before.’
‘No, you can’t. Not at all.’ I thought of how I was tumbling into a new dimension when it came to my feelings for Carl. ‘I guess you’ll just have to go with it and hope for the best.’ Which was exactly what I was telling myself to do. Looking back at the past wouldn’t do me any favours, I had to look to the future and be positive, optimistic. ‘So was that your first kiss?’ I asked. ‘Out there in Heaven and Hell?’
‘Yes.’ She touched her lips, as though remembering his against hers. ‘And it just kind of happened. He pulled me close when I reached to put my wine down. I see him in bed so much I forget that he’s a pretty big guy, and strong too. Damn, I want to go and do it again, but I shouldn’t, I know
I shouldn’t.’
‘In for a penny in for a pound,’ I said. ‘If anyone finds out, which they won’t, you’re not going to get into any more trouble for two kisses than one.’ I rested my hand on her shoulder. ‘If I was you, I would go back out there and kiss your man’s socks off.’
She grinned. ‘Yes, you’re right, and he could be discharged as early as next week. All being well.’
‘Go easy on him when he does get out, though,’ I said.
‘What do you mean?’
‘In the sack, don’t go bouncing on top of him and fracturing him again, will you? All this pent-up sexual frustration, waiting for each other for months, things could easily get wild.’
‘Sharon.’ Her eye’s widened. She appeared genuinely shocked.
I shrugged. ‘I’m just saying. He’s going to be a bit delicate for a while, not to mention out of practise. You’ll want to start off slow, perhaps with a blow job just to get it out of his system without putting too much pressure on his spine.’
‘Really, I –’
‘Come on,’ I laughed, ‘we’d best get back out there. They’ll be wondering where we’ve got to.’
‘Yes, we should.’ She gave me an odd look, then had one last glance in the mirror, rolled her lips in on themselves and checked her teeth. ‘So you and Carl. Is it serious?’
‘No,’ I laughed. ‘This is the first time we’ve been out. But we hit it off as friends months ago, when he arrived.’
‘He seems really nice, though I don’t know him well. He doesn’t have any need to visit Orthopaedic.’
‘He is nice, really nice, and he’s genuine, not like some doctors.’
‘You mean like Javier Garelli? Blimey, his reputation precedes him. I should think they’re bracing themselves at St George’s for his arrival.’
I looked at her quizzically.
‘I did an extended surgical placement last year. I grew to love and hate him.’
‘Yes, I know what you mean.’ Well, you couldn’t help but love his body, his cheesy lines … well, yes, I could see how they’d get old if you worked with him all the time.
‘He was pretty cranky too and thinks he can get away with it because he’s God’s gift.’
‘Cranky? Really?’
‘Yeah, if he wasn’t flirting he was complaining about not being able to sleep and snapping everyone’s heads off. We never knew what mood he was going to be in when he stepped onto the ward. We took to bracing ourselves and tiptoeing around him.’
That surprised me. The Javier I knew was a gold medal player, but he was also pretty chilled.
‘Perhaps he’s sorted out his body clock, finally,’ she said, pushing open the door to the din of the club. ‘Which will be good, it’ll make everyone’s life easier.’
We arrived back at the table to find Nick and Johnny locking lips with their two new female friends, and Carl and Tim deep in conversation about the latest football results.
‘Hey, I missed you,’ Carl said with a grin and holding out my wine. ‘Come cosy up with me.’
I was happy to. And as the next hour or so passed in a rush of banter and laughter within our group, the sensation of having Carl’s leg pressed against mine and his arm on the back of my chair was nice, safe almost. I exhaled for the first time in months. I would worry about those missing benzos and Iceberg’s threats tomorrow.
Until then, I was off duty.
The rest of the evening went well. The Essex boys had a great time and like three gruff Cinderellas they were heading back to the ward before their wheelchairs turned to pumpkins. As we rattled across the car park Rachel and Tim disappeared and had a quiet smooch behind a van. I made a point of saying to Johnny and Nick that what happens on a hospital night out, stays on a hospital night out, and it really was best to keep their lips zipped about Tim and Rachael’s romance.
They got my drift, and besides, they were too excited about their own conquests, who were, apparently, coming in all their fake-boob-fake-tan glory to visit them on the ward the next afternoon. I hated day shifts the way most people hated toe fungus, but I would have suffered one to see Staff Sister Ermintrude’s face when they appeared to visit her most unruly long-stay patients.
Carl and I dropped Rachael at her place and then finally, at half past midnight, he drove me home.
‘Aren’t you coming in?’ I asked, when he failed to kill the engine.
He leaned over, tilted my chin with his index finger and breezed his lips over mine. ‘I don’t think that would be a good idea.’
‘I think it would be a great idea.’ I was really fancying a bit of naked Carl to sort out the ache I had for him. Damn, it was becoming uncomfortable. Want and need an itchy, spine-wriggling sensation that was building each time we touched. ‘Come on, we’ve been on a lovely date, let’s go have coffee.’
‘By coffee you mean a shag?’
‘Well, if you insist.’
He laughed. ‘You’re great, perfect. I love a girl who knows what she wants.’
‘I want you.’ I ran my fingers into his thick hair, drew his face to mine again.
‘Mmm,’ he said, ‘so damn tempting.’
‘So don’t resist. What’s the point?’
‘I told you. I want to take you for dinner first. Forgive me for having a sense of tradition and for being an old-fashioned kind of bloke, but tonight wasn’t a date. I told you that.’
‘We had dinner.’
‘A couple of chicken drumsticks and chips. That was sustenance, not real food.’
‘So I’ll make you an omelette.’
‘Nice try.’ He took my hands from his hair and set them in my lap. ‘Dinner at The Thatcher, next Saturday, and afterwards …’
‘Afterwards?’
‘Then afterwards maybe we can take this thing further.’
Bloody hell, a whole week before any rumpy-pumpy action, I would implode with frustration. For goodness sake, he was a doctor, wasn’t he supposed to make me feel better, not worse? ‘Well, we’ll see,’ I said, roughly clicking off my seatbelt and opening the door.
‘Sharon.’ There was surprise in his tone.
‘Playing hard to get doesn’t suit you, Carl.’ I reached for my purse and stepped out.
‘Hey, I’m not. I just want it to be special. I told you, I really like you.’
‘We’ve known each other for months, have flirted, watched an impromptu sex show, been out tonight, dancing, eating, drinking, kissing. How damn special do you want it to be?’ I slammed the door.
Instantly the electric window whizzed down. ‘Don’t be like that, you know what I mean.’
‘Maybe I do, maybe I don’t.’ I turned and headed towards my flat with my lips pressed together tight. I was mad as hell. I knew I was, and I didn’t trust myself to speak when I’d gotten so angry that little black spots invaded my peripheral vision. Carl had made me feel a fool for wanting him. Treated my turned-on state like it was something to be toyed with, mocked almost. That was something I just couldn’t handle. I might like sex more than most but that didn’t mean I’d given up on pride.
Sure he’d said he wanted me too, but what kind of man turned it down twice? Twice?
There was a perfectly good bed in my flat, no one to disturb us. No urgency to get back to work. I was burning for him and unless my arousal antennae were seriously off, he was hot for me too.
Perhaps he was gay after all. Private school, Eton no doubt, had probably given him a taste for it and he just needed a girl as camouflage as he climbed the career ladder. Couldn’t have a penchant for bumming holding him back, or depriving Mummy and Daddy of the son they wanted to brag about at dinner parties.
Well, I wouldn’t be camouflage for anyone. I wanted a full-frontal relationship or nothing at all, and Carl was running out of chances pretty quickly. Yes, I was more attracted to him than anyone else since Michael, but that didn’t mean he could walk all over me. No way. Not going to happen.
As the entrance to my block slammed shut,
I heard his sporty little car drive off.
Sod him.
It was his loss.
Ophthalmology was the dullest ward in the hospital. In fact, it only needed to be open overnight occasionally. Usually, as had happened today, because a list had run over and patients who’d had general anaesthetics needed to stay in for observation.
But apart from a few eye-drops and the odd cup of tea there wasn’t much to do. I was working with Matilda, the most ancient of all the night nurses and one who could do the ophthalmologist’s job better than he could himself, she’d been in the specialty for so many decades.
Great thing about Matilda was she was quiet. She didn’t chat. She was happy to bury her head in a Mills and Boon, knit hats for the baby unit or, if she was feeling like a challenge, puzzle at Sudoku.
Which left me to wallow in my misery, or was it frustration? I wasn’t sure, but whatever the hell it was, I’d been spun into an emotion that didn’t sit well and was making me feel quite nauseous.
‘So how is everything here?’
Oh, great, the icing on the cake. My favourite senior nurse.
‘All settled and stable,’ Matilda said, not even bothering to put down The Billionaire’s Virgin Bride when Iceberg walked up to the desk.
‘Good, just what I like to hear.’ Iceberg settled her eyes on me. ‘So you won’t mind if I take Staff Nurse Roane for a while. I have something I want her to do.’
‘Fine.’ Matilda lifted her book back to her nose.
As if life could get any worse. The last thing I needed was Iceberg digging in her nails tonight. I didn’t think I could take it. I already felt like I was in an emotional tailspin without her blasting off about my misconduct.
‘So, staff nurse,’ she hissed as we walked from the ward.
‘What?’
‘Any news.’
‘No, I wasn’t even on duty last night, and now here, with the least likely person in the whole entire hospital to ever even consider nicking benzos. Seriously, it’s like you don’t want me to find anything out.’
‘Of course I do, and if you want to keep your job you’ll be even more anxious to discover who the culprit is.’