by Неизвестный
“Mom, he loved gambling more than us.” Riley hated how whiny he sounded.
“Oh, honey, no.”
“Yes. He got in over his head and racked up so much debt he was forced commit a crime. God, he helped Steele hurt the fire department, which we all love.”
“He was weak, I’ll give you that. But did you ever think what it did to him to know how he failed us?”
“No. I refuse to.” He came to the edge of his seat. “Mom, where is all of this going? Why are we dredging it up? We never fight about anything.”
For some reason, she checked her watch. “Because I’m on my way to the hospital to pick him up. Abby’s meeting me there. I thought you might have forgiven him enough to go with us.”
He felt cold dread seep through him, a feeling he’d lived with for a long time and hoped never to experience again. “I can’t.”
She gave him a pitying look. “I’m sorry to hear that. You’ve lived for years with your anger and resentment. I’m sure it’s doing awful things to you, inside.” She stood. “I’m leaving. If you want to know how everything is, you can call me.”
“Wait.” He stood, too. Her face showed rays of hope and he hated disappointing her. “He’s homeless. He was with a lot of other vagrants in that building.”
“It doesn’t matter. I’m taking him to the house he paid for.”
Riley stilled. “Jesus Christ, Mom. You can’t do that.”
She cupped his cheek with her palm. “Yes, dear, I can.” Her gaze strayed to something behind him. “Oh, Janie, hi.”
“I was listening.” He turned to see Jane dressed in sweats, hair tousled and eyes troubled.
“Good. Maybe you can get somewhere with my son. It’s time to put his father’s sins behind us.”
Please let her stand by me, God, please.
“I’m sorry, Rye, I agree with your mother.”
# #
They took a hilly path on the outskirts of town, running as if their lives depended on it. After last night’s fall, Jane was having trouble keeping up. Earlier today, when she told the truth — damn it, he’d said he’d let her have her feelings — he’d walked out of the room, went to the bedroom and changed into running clothes. He’d come back down after Mave left, told Jane he was going out for a jog, and she followed him. They hadn’t talked for three miles. “Wait for a minute, will you?” she said, stopping.
“If you can’t keep up, I’ll just go ahead. You rest here.”
Rarely did she purposely manipulate him. But today he needed it. “You wouldn’t be able to keep up either, if you fell through the floor of a burning building.”
He halted immediately. For their whole lives, whenever she needed him, he was there for her. In high school when the football team teased him about dating a nerd, he took them on one by one. When her mother had run off with another man, he’d consoled her. And she couldn’t have made it through her father’s death if he hadn’t stayed with her every minute. With the exception of his stubbornness about his dad, he always put her first. So she wasn’t surprised when he said, “You look exhausted. You shouldn’t be running.”
“I came along because I want to talk.”
“I don’t.”
“Tough shit. I told you earlier, we’re not letting this happen again.”
He stared at her.
She said, “This is how it started off the last time. Not communicating. Staying away from me as much as you could.”
“I had to. Turning in to myself was the only way I could deal with what happened. And I didn’t want to hurt you anymore by fighting about him.”
“I’m not letting you shut me out, Riley. I’m not letting you turn into a jerk, and almost ruin our life together because of your father.”
“Well, excuse me,” he said, kicking the dirt like a little kid who’d just gotten scolded. “The man shamed us in front of the whole town, in addition to hurting our fellow firefighters. You should be more upset than you are.”
That stung. “So much for letting me have my own feelings about that.”
“Right back at ya.”
She raised her chin. “I’m comfortable with my feelings about your dad.”
“Because he took you in when your father died.”
“Partly. But he was a good man with a disease.”
“I could live with a man who had a disease. But not what he did to our guys.”
“It has the same origin.”
“No, it doesn’t.”
Once again, she found her anger spiking. How could such a wonderful man be so myopic about something? “Rye, he’s back. Your mother told me she’s taking him home. And that Abs was excited about seeing him.”
“Well, he has a way with women. I’ll bet he cheated on Mom, too.”
Like her mother had cheated — and he knew how Jane felt about that. She turned and walked away. She’d only taken a few steps when he caught up to her, grasped her arm and pulled her around. “I’m sorry. That was thoughtless. I didn’t mean for that to come up. But now that it has, have you ever forgiven her?”
“It’s not the same thing, and you know it. And that you’d use that against me to win an argument sucks big time.”
He just stared at her. So she gave in. Moving closer, she circled his neck with her arms. “You need help. Go see Jack Harrison.” The department shrink. “Talk out your feelings, your anger and hurt. Otherwise you’ll never be rid of what’s obviously gnawed at you inside for seven years.”
That was the same advice she’d given him when the incident happened. “I can’t, Janie. It hurts too much to dredge this all up.”
“It’s hurting you anyway. This thing is like backdraft. Suddenly you turn around and the fire’s sparked again, ready to bite you in the ass. You have to put it out for good.”
“I will but I’ll do it my way. And I won’t hurt you again. I promise.”
She said simply, “You already are hurting me.” She started back down the trail.
This time, he didn’t come after her.
# #
Tony Ramirez was a great guy. Everybody loved having him as the officer in their group. He was fair and caring. Riley had spent some time with him and his family, and he loved their kids, especially the baby, Nia. He even insisted he and Jane babysit her sometimes. Riley had wanted kids for years now, but Jane kept delaying, and of course, the decision was more hers than his. “Come in my office for a few minutes, will you Gallagher?”
“Sure.”
Once they were seated in the small space, Tony stared over at Riley. “I’ll come right to the point. Something’s eating at you. You’ve been quiet since the shift started yesterday. I don’t mean to pry, but if you want to talk, it’ll stay confidential unless it hinders your performance.”
“No, I’m okay.”
“I don’t think you are. Things happen in our lives we can’t control and they affect us. I’ve been there.” He waited. “I left the line a couple of years ago because of something that seemed insurmountable at the time.”
Riley had heard that before he became officer for this shift, the lieutenant had taken a teaching position at the Academy because of his wife. He never knew all the details.
As if Tony read his mind, he asked, “Is it Jane? I got a pretty good understanding of relationships. Sophia and I met in high school, like you two did.”
“I didn’t know that. And yeah, it’s Jane, at least partly.” He thought about the last few days since his mother came over and how he and Jane had been distant. How he’d avoided her on their whole tour off. How last night, he heard her crying in the bathroom, which just about killed him, especially when he tried to get inside and she locked him out.
“We’re not getting along is all.”
“People say the same thing about you two as they do about me and Sophia. You’re a match made in heaven.”
“I know. But something’s come between us.” Had been between them for seven years, he guessed.
“Does finding
your father in that abandoned building have anything to do with it?”
He felt himself closing down, so he nodded and said, “I can’t talk about it.”
“I know what he did. I know he spent two years in jail. But I heard he went to the city.”
Riley stood. “Sorry, Tony, I just can’t.”
“Okay, but remember what I said about this affecting your job.” Riley started away. “Wait a sec.” He fished for a something in his drawer and handed Riley a card. “This is Jack Harrison’s number. He helped us through some rough waters.”
Riley took the card and walked out of the office thinking, Jesus, the fucker is affecting my job.
His phone rang as he reached the kitchen. Jane’s number. He clicked on, needing to hear from her. “Hey, sweetie,” he said, hoping the whole strain between them would just blow over and they could be who they were four days ago.
“Hi, Rye. Listen, Claire Anderson’s kid is sick. I’m going to sub for her on the day shift tomorrow.”
Some of the guys were around the table, so he walked through the kitchen door out to the backyard and sat on top of a picnic table. It was dark but he needed the privacy and the evening was warm. “Did you already agree?”
“Yeah. Why?”
“I was hoping we could talk when we got home in the morning.”
“I’m surprised.”
“I know. I’m acting like a shit.”
“You are. I love you Riley, more than anything else, and I’ll help you through this. But you can’t make me feel like you do about your father or agree with what you’re doing to him.”
Suddenly, he saw his dad riding him around on his back, throwing football after football to him, bursting with pride at his and Jane’s Academy graduation. So he asked, “Have you seen him?”
Another long silence. Then she said, “Abby and I met for lunch and we went back to your house. I saw him.”
Huh! “Did you meet with Abby to talk about me?”
“I’m not going to answer that. I never told you before what Abby and I discussed, even if it dealt with you. I’m not going to start now.”
He sighed deeply. He’d always respected that. And he wanted Jane to have a confidant. They’d been each other’s best friend and it hadn’t left room for other kinds of relationships.
“So I won’t be home tomorrow. Be careful,” she said, as they always did when they were on shift. It was a superstition between them.
“Yeah, you too. Be careful.”
Then the line went dead.
He was just about to go inside when someone came through the gate of the firehouse yard. “Rye?”
His sister Abby.
Christ, they were all ganging up on him.
“Hi, Sis. Do I even need to ask why you’re here?”
Crossing to him, she kissed his cheek. “Sit down, baby brother.”
“I don’t want to talk about him, Abs.”
“Too bad. Now sit.” She used her mother voice on him. She and Aiden took in foster kids and she knew how to be tough.
When he sat, she said, “He’s sick.”
Riley’s brow furrowed. “From drinking too much?”
“He has a bad case of pneumonia.”
“Why didn’t they keep him in the hospital?”
“Because he had a place to go. And because he has no health insurance.”
“Mom said she was taking him home, but I didn’t know he was sick.”
Abby’s brow furrowed. “Didn’t Janie tell you?”
“She knew?”
“Uh-huh.”
Goddamn it.
“He’s staying in your old room, not with Mom, if that matters to you.”
“Hell, I hadn’t even thought about that.”
“No, you’re too busy being all mad and stupid about it again.”
Jane told Abby that? She had no right. He’d been careful to keep his feelings from Abby, too, a decade ago. Had Jane shared his real feelings even then? That pissed him off.
“You’re not a firefighter. You don’t understand.”
“That’s bullshit. America’s Bravest has been my family as much as it’s been yours and Janie’s. I don’t have to walk into burning buildings to be part of them.”
He didn’t respond because he knew she was right.
“He’s our father, Rye.”
Riley remained stubbornly mute.
“I cannot believe this side of you.”
Janie had said something similar. Nastily, he added, “Sorry to disappoint you.”
“Don’t make me sound like the judgmental one in the family.”
For one brief second, he wanted to pour his heart out to her like he had when he was a kid and got into scrapes at school. He’d always felt better after talking to his big sister. But with this, with matters concerning his father, he just couldn’t.
So he stood. “I gotta go. We have training.” Which was true, but not till later.
She shook her head. “Fine. But I’m here, always. And so is Janie. For now.”
Her ominous last words stayed with him the rest of the day.
# #
On the third night of the shift at the firehouse, Riley was in even worse shape than yesterday. Janie was working all day and she hadn’t called — so he didn’t call her, either — then they both worked tonight, so he hadn’t seen her for forty-eight hours. Which rarely happened. They’d never been apart for any significant length of time. Even during their Academy days, they lived and trained together.
Dinner wasn’t for an hour and Langston had KP, so Riley headed to the workout room to let off steam. He entered the large, well-equipped space to find Nick Evans running on the treadmill. Nick was personable enough, but Riley had heard that something went down in New York that made him come here and settle into a smaller fire department. He’d made captain in record time.
“How’s it hanging, Gallagher?”
“Hunky dory.” There was a bite to his tone which he regretted. He didn’t want to spread his dirty laundry around.
The shame was all yours, Rye.
I’m not the judgmental one.
No, he wouldn’t think about his mother or sister or Jane, the three women who took sides with his father against him. In the back of his mind, something niggled at him that he was thirty, not thirteen, and he should starting acting his age. But he banished the thought.
Think of something else.
He jumped on the treadmill next to Nick and asked, “You doing good, Cap?”
“Yep. Always am.”
That wasn’t exactly true. Although Nick Evans, forty-two, was even-keeled and just a little detached most of the time, once in a while temper — and suppressed emotion — burst out of him.
But Riley wanted to keep the conversation neutral. “Heard anything about the lieutenant’s exam yet?” Both he and Jane had taken the test a few months ago. Both wanted to excel in the department by being the youngest to make officers.
“You’ll be the first two to know.” He gave Riley a brief smile. “Both of you’ll ace it. And,” he added, “A position’s opening up on Engine Four.”
“Janie’s house?” Apparently there was a lot she didn’t tell him.
“Uh-huh.”
“Openings are rare. Lots of people have to wait a while to get an officer’s spot.”
“If you make lieutenant, you might want to go to the Academy. It’s good experience to train recruits. And gets you bonus points with the brass.”
“God, I’d hate that.”
Nick slowed to a trot. “Your dad didn’t.”
“Excuse me?”
“Your father took some time off the line to train recruits. I was in his class.”
“I never knew that.”
“Well, it’s obvious you don’t want to talk about your old man.”
He started to snap at the captain, but contained himself. Officers commanded respect. “Would you, Cap? In my position?”
“When I was your age, no. Now th
at I’m old, I see things differently.”
“You’re a real Methuselah.” He waited. “Rumor has it something happened to you in New York, but there’s no gossip about it.”
“Which is the way I want things.” No denial or affirmation. Nick shut off the machine and grabbed a towel from the bar. “Word of advice? You can’t always fix what you broke. Some things are irrevocable. Your father was a good man.”
Was being the operative word.
But he didn’t say argue with the captain. And he tried to ignore that he was getting the same advice from everybody.
# #
Jane let herself into the house about eight the next morning. They’d had a quiet night shift at Engine 4 so she was rested and didn’t need sleep. She wondered how Riley was doing. They always talked when they were on nights, when the firehouse slept. But not this time. He was falling back into more patterns than hating his father again. But then, she was doing the same.
Crossing the kitchen to the sliding glass doors, she saw him out on the back deck, staring into the yard. He had the greatest shoulders, wide and muscular. This morning, he wore shorts and a green T-shirt. Her anger at him softened by her attraction, which sparked at the worst times, she walked out onto the deck.
And found him with a can of beer in his hand.
“Little early to be knocking back the booze, isn’t it, hotshot?” The old nickname usually amused him.
“Just add it to the list of what you don’t like about me.”
“O-kay.” She refused to take the bait, and instead dropped down across from him in a chaise. “How was your shift?”
“Quiet.”
“Mine, too.”
He pierced her with a cold green gaze. “Why didn’t you tell my there was an opening for lieutenant coming up in your house?”
Wow, she hadn’t expected that! She didn’t really know why she hadn’t told him. “I’m not sure. I guess I forgot about it.”
“We talk about our careers all the time.”
“I don’t know why, Rye. Honestly.”
“Okay, then maybe you know why you didn’t tell me my father is sick.”
She felt her face flush. He must have talked to his mother or Abby. “I know why I kept that from you. I think it’s fairly obvious.”