“A shoot-out at the O.K. Corral.”
Ma Ray cut her eyes at Sahara. “Little girl, you’re a mess. The O.K. Corral? But it was pretty intense that day, pretty intense. You talking about some praying folks up in my house, we were down on our knees praying that day. When it was all over, these news reporter folks came knocking on my door. They wanted to know why my house was not caught in the cross fire. The rest of the community said I had to be a traitor or a snitch. That’s how the news folks ended up writing so much stuff about me and my life. Some folks in the neighborhood couldn’t wait to tell how I was a prostitute and all. That’s how people are. They love to bring others down if they can.”
“Haters,” Sahara said. “We call folks like those haters.”
“Okay. Haters. Well, even after giving my life to the Lord, I’ve found some church folks can be haters as well,” Ma Ray said. “Anyway, Sal came to check on us after everything was over. About a week after that, he and I went out for a cup of coffee. He then asked me out on a real date.”
“In spite of him knowing what you were?”
“In spite of him knowing everything by that time,” Ma Ray said. “We dated a few months, and he asked me to marry him. We married. Sometime later, his partner and friend, Beau Azra, was shot and killed in the line of duty. A few years following that, I got pregnant despite being told I would never be able to conceive. That’s why I had my children so late in life. Well, late for back then. Thirty-five is fashionable to have a first child now. Sal decided to leave the police force. We had our son. We named him Beau Azra in honor of Sal’s fallen partner. Around this time, Sal was called to preach. Two years after Boaz was born, your mother arrived on the scene. Ten years later, we moved here to the country so Sal could pastor a church out this way. We were practically starting over. Two years ago, Sal died. But after everything that’s happened, I’m still standing for the Lord.”
“When you were speaking today, you talked about a ray of hope. You said we may be going through a storm, but that God will always give us a ray of hope. Well, Ma Ray, you’re giving me my own personal ray of hope right here, right now, aren’t you?”
“Yes. The hardest thing for me to do today was to put myself completely out there. But God was letting me know that the most important thing any of us can ever do is to impact someone else’s life with our own. Sahara, you need to get it together.” Ma Ray nodded at her. “It’s time for you to put away childish things and get it together.”
Sahara began to wipe tears from her eyes. She nodded back as she did so. Sahara looked at Ma Ray and forced a broken smile. “I know,” she said. “I know.”
Chapter 45
But the children of Israel committed a trespass in the accursed thing: for Achan, the son of Carmi, the son of Zabdi, the son of Zerah, of the tribe of Judah, took of the accursed thing: and the anger of the Lord was kindled against the children of Israel.
—Joshua 7:1
Sahara’s journey was far from being complete. But Ma Ray had put herself out there for her, to help save her from the path she was going down. A path that even she knew would only lead to destruction. Sahara prayed with Ma Ray that night. Made up in her mind she was going to walk the Godly way. She would give up her conning ways. She cried with Ma Ray as she promised she would change. She repented and committed to turn in a different direction. Sahara was smart. She vowed to work hard to make As in school from here on out. She would be true to the vow she’d made to keep herself until the one who would cherish her as his wife … love her as Christ loves the church, came to her. She fully understood now how truly much she was worth the wait. And if a guy tried to convince her otherwise, she would examine his words against the unadulterated Word of God.
“Ma Ray,” Sahara said, snuggled safely in Ma Ray’s arms after she’d cried until she was pretty much spent. “I want to come clean with you about some things. I just don’t feel right with these things over my head. Not now. I need to get all of this out of me. I refuse to allow the devil to have or hold anything over my head at this point.”
Ma Ray continued to embrace her. “I’m here.”
“Can we keep this between ourselves?”
“If that’s what you want,” Ma Ray said.
“It is.” Sahara sat up straight, arched her back a bit, took a deep breath, smiled, then began. “The other night, when I told you that I’d gone to a rap concert with these girls I’d met. Well, that wasn’t true.” She paused, then continued. “I really went somewhere with Junebug.”
Ma Ray’s demeanor remained unchanged as she nodded.
“I’m sorry I lied to you. But Ma Ray, I couldn’t take being cooped up in this place any longer. I was literally going crazy!”
Ma Ray shrugged. “But there’s more,” Ma Ray said, her hands folded in her lap.
“How do you know?”
“With lies, there’s always more.”
With those stinging words, Sahara nodded. “He wanted to have sex.”
“So, did you?”
“Ma Ray, I’m not a virgin. I’ve not been one for about a year now. I’m sorry to disappoint you.”
“Yes, I am disappointed. But I can assure you that God is even more disappointed with you.”
“See, that’s what I mean. I didn’t think what I was doing was doing anything against God. In fact, I didn’t think about God at all. I just saw it as being something that I felt I wanted. The truth is: I wanted to belong. I wanted to feel like someone wanted me … that someone cared about me. I wanted somebody’s eyes to light up when I walked into a room. I wanted to feel loved. How could God not understand that?”
Ma Ray got off the bed and sat back in her rocking chair. “I know you think I don’t understand, but I do. The truth is: you already belonged. You were already wanted. And you were most definitely already loved. God loved you before you even knew who you were. Then there’s your family who loves you greatly, the chief among them, me.”
“But it’s not the same, Ma Ray. You know this. I know that God loves me. I know that you love me, and Mama, and Daddy, and Edmond, Uncle Boaz, Aunt Ruth … there are a host of people who love me. I know that. But sometimes, on another level, we all want more than family’s love. Sometimes we need more, to feel like we really matter.”
Ma Ray began to rock a little. “Really now?”
Sahara let her body sag. “Yes. It gets lonely sometimes. And when you’re not doing what others are doing, you become an outcast. You feel so isolated. Sometimes, you just want to know that you look good other than to mere family. Maybe that’s wrong, but who wants to feel ugly and unwanted?”
Ma Ray stopped the chair. “So having sex, throwing caution to the wind, makes you feel loved, makes you feel beautiful, makes you feel wanted? Really, Sahara?”
“It did. But I see it differently now. And I want to live for the Lord, I really do. But I need to know how to keep myself. I mean, I heard what they said at the youth conference. But words are easier said than done. It’s the action behind the words that can cag us, sometimes … trip us up.”
Ma Ray smiled. “I told you, I really do understand everything that you’re saying. But I want you to think about how much Jesus loves you. How He gave His life for you. How He wants the best for you. When you give in to the devil’s fool’s gold, what you’re going to end up with is the fake and not the real thing. Love yourself enough to want God’s best for you. Don’t settle. That’s all I know to tell you. That when you give in to the wrong thing, you disappoint our Heavenly Father. That may not always matter during the heat of the moment. But if you think about how you’re cutting yourself off from God’s best when you take less, that should be enough to always give you pause. Love you, Sahara. Love yourself enough not to settle for less than God’s very best.”
“I understand,” Sahara said. “And I know you probably think you’re just wasting your breath. But I hear you. And it’s resonating. It is. It’s resonating down in my spirit.”
Ma Ray got up and hug
ged Sahara. “How about we pray?”
“Okay,” Sahara said.
“You want to lead it?”
Sahara smiled. “Yeah. I’d like to.”
Ma Ray smiled. Sahara and Ma Ray held hands as Sahara began. “Heavenly Father, I just want to say thank You. Thank You for loving me enough to give me people who love me. Thank You for my grandmother, Ma Ray. My Ray of Hope. Thank You for her loving us so much that she would be this transparent with me, despite its cost to her. Thank You for loving me so much that You gave Your Son, Jesus. That He gave His life, so that I might not just have life, but life more abundantly. Lord, I want to live for You. Please forgive me of my sins. I want You to be Lord of my life. Right now. Come into my heart. No more games. No more excuses. No more time wasted not walking in my divine destiny. Bless my mother, my stepfather, my father, my sisters, and my little big-headed brother. Help me to forgive those who have hurt me. And forgive me for those who I’ve hurt. Bless my aunt and uncle, my cousins, and my friends. Lord, I even ask that You bless my enemies. These and other blessings I ask in Jesus’ name. Amen.”
“Amen,” Ma Ray said as tears rolled down her face. She grabbed Sahara and hugged her hard. “Amen.”
Chapter 46
Israel hath sinned, and they have also transgressed my covenant which I commanded them: for they have even taken of the accursed thing, and have also stolen, and dissembled also, and they have put it even among their own stuff.
—Joshua 7:11
Three weeks after the youth conference, Sahara was doing well. She was attending Wednesday night Bible study with Aaron, Crystal, and Andre. She and Crystal got Ma Ray to let them attend Sunday services at that church as well. Ma Ray let Sahara drive the Cadillac there. Sahara even found herself being halfway decent to Andre. She could see how focused he was. Andre had dreams. He had a plan for his life. And in all of his planning, she saw how he always put God first in everything he was doing. That’s what he told her had caused him to be successful in all that he’d put his hands to so far in life.
“I put God first, and the rest just comes along with the Lord. It works,” Andre said. “Whenever I get off track, I know it’s the devil trying to get me to say the wrong thing so he can cause me to do the wrong thing. I pray a lot. And I study God’s Word.”
Lenora and Edmond were having a big party for their tenth wedding anniversary. Sahara and Crystal were looking forward to going home for that weekend. Ma Ray was coming to the party as well as Boaz, Ruth, Owen, and Freda, who were both home from college. It was going to be a lot of fun celebrating with family and friends.
Lenora came and got Sahara and Crystal from Ma Ray’s on Friday afternoon after she got off from work. The party was set for Saturday at seven p.m. Sahara and Crystal were going to help in getting things set up.
Sahara and Crystal talked to Lenora in great lengths after they arrived home.
“I can tell such a difference in both of you,” Lenora said, sheer glee in her eyes. “It’s so wonderful to have my girls back again. You both seem so happy, so content … so much more mature. Maybe I should go stay with Ma for six weeks.”
“Not happy, Mother,” Crystal said. “We have joy.”
“Ooh, listen to you. Joy, huh?” Lenora said, smiling.
“Yes, joy,” Crystal said. “You see, happiness is based on outside happenings. When things are going well, you’re happy. When they’re not, then you aren’t. Joy is not dependent on your circumstances. You can have joy even in the midst of a storm.”
“The joy of the Lord is our strength,” Sahara added. “That’s what the Bible says.”
“Okay, where are my real daughters?” Lenora teased. “Wow. Wow. But seriously, I’ve missed you both so much.” She hugged them. “It’s so good to be together again.”
“We missed you, too, Mother,” Crystal said. “But we’ve had a great time at Ma Ray’s.”
When Sahara got more settled, she logged onto the Internet. She had tons of e-mails in her in-box to go through, a lot of them spam, of course. She let a few friends know that she was back in town.
Dollar was the first to call on her cell phone. “Hey, so you’re finally back?”
“Yeah.”
“So, when can I see you?”
“I don’t know,” Sahara said.
“What do you mean, you don’t know?” He let out a short laugh. “Shawty, I told you I was missing you. Now that you’re back, we need to hook up.”
“I don’t think that’s such a good idea,” Sahara said.
“Not a good idea? Please. You’re supposed to be my girl. I’ve been missing you, missed loving on you. Let’s hook up,” Dollar said. “Seriously, we need to talk.”
“I’m not going to be here for long. We just came back for the weekend for my folks’ wedding anniversary celebration.”
“Apparently, you’re not hearing me. I said we need to hook up so we can talk. I have something important we need to discuss.”
“Okay. I’m listening.”
“I can’t tell you this over the phone. Quit playing now. You know I don’t like playing games. Now, I said I have something we need to conversate about. Quite frankly, I really don’t have time for your attention-for-attention’s-sake little act today. Not today.”
Sahara took a few seconds before she responded. “I’m not trying to get attention. Listen, Dollar, things have changed between us.”
“Oh, girl, you don’t even know the half of it.”
“If you have something you want to say, you can tell me now,” Sahara said.
“A’ight. You want to be like that. So be it. How about this: you probably need to go and get yourself checked … tested, that is, more to the point,” Dollar said.
“Checked? Tested? For what?”
“Hey, I’m not positive, but it looks like you may have given me something,” Dollar said. “Or I may have given you something. Who knows?”
“I may have given you something? And exactly where would I have picked up something to give to you? Huh, Dollar?”
He laughed. “Hey, all I know is that I got a call telling me I needed to get tested for HIV/AIDS. This chick had the nerve to name me in her list of folks who had been exposed to her. Can you believe this mess? That’s what makes me mad about y’all.”
“Yall?! What do you mean ‘y’all’?” Sahara felt the tears begin to sting her eyes. “I was with you. You were the first guy I was ever with. And now you’re telling me I may have contracted AIDS from you?”
“Hey, it’s like I said. I got a call myself. It was a blow to me. They’ve tested me—”
“And?”
“And, I’m still waiting for a final verdict. But the people there asked me to list all the people I’d been with in the past year or so. So, of course, I had to give up your name.”
Sahara was really crying now. “No. No.” She shook her head. “This cannot be happening to me,” she said. “Not me. It can’t! Not now.”
“Happening to you? How do you think I feel? I’m having the time of my life; I’m at the height of my popularity, and now I have to chill, or at least take extra protection, because I might be considered lethal. All because of some girls who can’t keep their legs closed and don’t have a problem with giving it up to any and every body who comes along?”
“Oh, now you weren’t saying that when you were trying to tell me how much you loved and wanted me—how you had to have me. That’s not what you were saying then, Dollar.”
“Listen, I’m not trying to have drama with you. Not today. The people at the clinic suggested it would be best if this news came directly from me, but they said they would be contacting you to ensure that you knew. So, I’ve told you. What you do from here is entirely on you,” Dollar said.
“What am I supposed to do? I can’t tell my mother something like this! What am I supposed to do, Dollar? Huh?”
“Not my problem. I have my own troubles to deal with. But if you want the name of the person at the clinic I dealt wi
th, I can give you that. You can call her and ask her what you need to do. But the way it generally works is: you go get tested, they’ll ask you for all the names of the people you’ve been with, and you wait to learn your fate. If it turns out you’re positive, the people at the clinic say it’s not the death sentence it used to be. They have meds now. From what they told me, you can take a cocktail of drugs that won’t cure you, but at least they could extend your life while some genius comes up with a cure.”
“I can’t tell my mother this. What have you done to me? What have you done to my life?”
“I didn’t force you to do anything,” Dollar said. “You were hot and heavy to be with me. You were the one wanting to be part of the list of those I’ve loved. I still love you, but right now, we have to put some things on hold. If it turns out you’re clean, we can go back to where we were. If it turns out I’m clean and you’re not, then you need to find the person who did you in and handle your business from there.”
“If it turns out that I have this, then it couldn’t have come from anybody but you.”
“Sahara, I’m not trying to say anything bad about you. But let me drop this 411 on you, okay? If you gave it up to me, I’m sure I wasn’t the only one smashing you. Girls like you tend to be like that. You’ll give it to anyone who acts like they’re remotely interested in loving you. Now, that’s not a bad thing. It’s kind of sad when you really think about it. Girls … women who think so little of themselves that they’ll actually trade sex for love.”
“Dollar, stop it! You said you cared about me. You said you loved me. You said you could see yourself marrying me someday….”
Dollar laughed. “And you fell for that? See what I mean? Too easy. It’s like taking candy from a baby or a Nintendo DS from a chump.”
“I’m getting off the phone now,” Sahara said, crying even more.
“Yeah, okay. I was finished, anyway. But if you find out things are good with you, hit me back so we can pick up where we left off. I told you, I’ve missed you. I meant that.”
Ray of Hope Page 21