“There’s a lot you don’t know, Reid, but I’m glad that you’re finally willing to give it a try.” She checks her watch and starts to gather her stuff. “I’d better get going. I have my roommate’s car, and if I don’t get back soon, she’ll start to get worried, plus we’re having a little going away party tonight.”
We both stand from the table and I gather our trash as we head towards the door. Holding the door open, Katie slides past me and pulls her hoodie around her chest tightly. When we get to her roommate’s car, she turns to me before opening the door. “Thanks for this, Reid. I know it’s not easy, but, well, I just wanted to say thanks for finally giving me the chance to talk to you.” She hugs me tightly and I’m frozen at her outward affection. She breaks the contact, opens her door and slides into her seat. Before closing it, she says, “So I’ll text you the directions to the dorm and I’ll see you around noon. Does that sound okay?”
“Sure, that sounds perfect. See you tomorrow, Katie.” I close her door for her and watch her pull out of the parking lot and into traffic.
As I get into the truck, I have an overwhelming desire to call Maddy, but I don’t know what to say. She hasn’t called me so I can’t help but feel like she doesn’t want to talk. This is stupid. I love her and I know she loves me, and some seriously big shit just went down with Katie. I need to hear her voice. I find myself beyond nervous as I dial her number. My stomach drops when I hear the operator’s electronic voice tell me that her number is no longer in service. What the fuck? She changed her number?
Screw that. I dial Melanie and it goes straight to voicemail. I don’t leave a message. The anger I’m feeling at Maddy for changing her number is not an emotion I want to convey to Melanie right now.
I try to swallow back my hurt and fail miserably. Driving back to my hotel room, I’m lost in thought at the strange turn of events.
I’m being pushed away from the one person who I never thought I would be without, while being pushed toward the one person I never thought I would have to see again.
Chapter 6
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Katie and I have the truck all loaded up and we’re ready to go. It’s only about an hour-long drive, so even if it is awkward, it won’t be for long. She rifles through her bag and pulls out a CD. She looks over at me and asks, “Do you mind?” indicating the music she wants to play.
It’s a burned CD, so I can’t tell what it is. “Sure, but what is it?” I raise an eyebrow and hope that our taste in music is somewhat similar.
“It’s Dave Matthews,” she says as she slides the disc into the compartment. The soulful vibrations of the saxophone fill the cabin of the truck and the rhythm instantly eases whatever tension I thought there might be.
We’ve been driving along for about twenty minutes now. As one song fades into the next, I take a chance at conversation. Turning the volume down, I lean one elbow on the window panel and shift slightly so that I’m facing Katie.
“So, what am I walking into exactly? I mean, does my mom even know that I’m coming with you?” I know she can hear the nervousness in my voice and normally I would hate my vulnerability, but last night, after I realized that Maddy was really and truly done with me, I decided that I would just have to face all of my emotions where my mom is concerned. I can’t keep hiding from my past. It’s already cost me Maddy. If I ever have any hope at getting her back, I have to get through this mountain of crap that is my past first.
She shifts and looks at me, almost apologetically. “No, she doesn’t know you’re coming with me. I did tell my dad, though. I had to let him know who was driving me home. He wasn’t about to let me get into a car with a complete stranger, you know.” She arches a playful eyebrow at me.
“So what did he say? I mean about us talking and that I’m coming to your home.” I don’t even know the man, but I don’t want to walk into a firestorm if I don’t have to.
Katie thinks over her words, obviously wanting to choose them carefully. “He was . . . well, he was surprised to say the least, but happy overall.” Katie makes a point to look right into my eyes for this next part. “Your mom is not doing well, Reid, so honestly, I think my dad really wants you to makes amends with her.” Katie’s voice catches in her throat. “He said he would try and talk to her before we got there, but he couldn’t guarantee that he would. It depends on how she’s doing. She has good days and bad days, you know?” She shoots a small smile in my direction.
I don’t, actually. My gut twists at that thought. My mom has been dying and I’ve done nothing to comfort her. “Tell me about them, the bad days, I mean.” I need to prepare myself, though it might seem more like torture at this point.
Katie swallows hard, fighting what I can only imagine are very emotional memories of my mom’s worst moments. “It was a slow progression really. She got weaker and weaker and then when they figured out that it was cancer, she got more and more exhausted. The doctor’s appointments were endless. Day after day, my dad and her would pile into the car and drive for hours seeking the advice of the top specialists in the state. After a while, they started to lose hope and they resigned her fate to chemo.” Katie shifts in her seat to face the window instead of me. I see her wipe a tear away from her cheek before she continues to tell me how my mom is dying.
“By the time they finally settled on a treatment plan, the cancer was really bad and they had to be incredibly aggressive. When she would leave for her chemo, she was hopeful and expectant, but when she walked through that door hours later, she was defeated and tired. After a while, she became a shadow of the woman I had come to know. It hurts my heart to even think about what she went through while she was sitting in that chair at the doctor’s office, watching that medicine flow into her body. Some nights . . . some nights . . .” I hear her take a deep shuddering breath. Fighting back her pain, she continues. “After your mom finally falls asleep, out of sheer exhaustion I’m sure, I hear my dad sob through the thin wall that separates their room from mine. Most nights, we just sit there and hold on to each other. There aren’t any words meaningful enough to comfort him anyway. He’s losing the woman he loves. There’s nothing in the world that can erase that kind of pain.”
I reach across the bench seat and hold her small, fragile hand. While I’m still reeling from Shane, while I know I can never forgive my mom for what she did to him and me, I can’t help but feel a twinge of guilt at how sick she is.
After a few long moments of silence pass, I decide to try for a more cheerful topic of conversation. “So tell me something happy. How did they meet?”
She laughs a small almost sarcastic and dismissive laugh. Searching through the glove compartment of Jack’s truck for a tissue, she wipes her eyes and looks back in my direction. “That is most definitely not a happy story either, Reid.”
And here I thought I’d be side-stepping a landmine. “Well, I guess happy or not, I should know, right?” I nod at her, prompting her to continue. If she wants to share, I’ll listen.
“Okay, but only because you asked for it.” Katie takes a deep breath to steady herself and I almost tell her to stop. There’s only so much sadness I can bear, but I go against my instinct and let her tell her story.
“My mom left us when I was only twelve years old. My parents fought for years, most of which, unfortunately, I remember all too vividly. I thought all parents have fights so I didn’t make too much of it. Well one night, Dad was at work; he took on an overtime shift since Mom didn’t have a job at the time. I was supposed to be at my friend’s house for a sleep over, but I decided not to go.” She takes a deep breath, bracing herself for her next words. “Anyway, so that night Mom came home with some guy she had met at a bar. I heard them laughing and fooling around. I was completely disgusted that she was going behind Dad’s back like that, so I called him. He was furious, of course. His voice was booming over the phone in anger, but he managed to calm down enough to talk me through it. He told me to just stay in my room until he
got home, to lock my door and not let them know that I was home. Well, when I got out of my bed to lock the door, I tripped over my backpack and collided, head first, with my door. I smashed my nose right against the jamb and I couldn’t help but scream in pain. My mom and her friend must have heard me because their laughter stopped immediately. I heard their footsteps approach my door and I tried so hard to get up and lock them out, but I just couldn’t. I was in too much pain.” She traces over what I just now notice is a scar running down the length of her nose. As if by some kind of instant reflex, I trace over the raised scar on my chin from when I tried to rescue Shane.
I want her to finish her story. I want to hear what happened, but I don’t want her to hurt. Suddenly, I’m overwhelmed by what Maddy must have felt when I shared my story with her. If it’s possible, I love her even more in this moment than I ever have before.
I look at Katie and only hope that my eyes convey my sorrow, my compassion, and my sympathy. I squeeze her trembling hand in mine before she finishes telling me the rest of what I can only assume are horrid details.
“They did more than drink, at the bar, I mean.” Katie shakes her head as if she’s going to shake away the pain of her memories. “They were both high on something. I found out later, that it was coke. Apparently, my mom was an addict. How I never knew about it, I . . . well I don’t know. I guess when you’re twelve, you live in a world colored by rainbows and glitter.” She chuckles lightly, but I know it’s an insincere one. It’s meant to dispel the guilt she feels over not being perfect, over not having a picture-perfect childhood. I’ve laughed that same laugh all too often. “Well, in his coke induced high, the guy made a pass at me—a rather violent and physical one. And my mom, well she just stood there and watched. She watched her baby girl cry as some asshole groped at her. Thankfully, my dad busted through the door before anything too traumatic could happen. He beat the shit out of the guy and spent the rest of the night fighting with Mom. I was able to hear most of what they said.” I silently prompt her tell me the rest. It can’t get much sadder than this, but I have a feeling that I’m wrong.
“I never knew it, but Mom was apparently bi-polar. She had been for most of her life. She stopped taking her meds, which was why they were fighting all the time towards the end. My mom was in a manic state when she brought that guy home, but my dad was already on his last straw. He kicked her out and we never heard from her again. We got the call from the coroner two weeks later. Mom hanged herself in some scummy motel room.”
She’s staring out the window, watching the trees fly by as the scenery blurs into one long, continuous stream of emerald green pines.
I don’t know what to say. When I first met Katie, she struck me as in control, independent and whole—not in any way damaged. If she’s anything like me, the last thing she wants is my pity. All I can muster up is commiseration.
“That’s fucked up, Katie. I wish you never had to deal with that.” I think I remember Maddy telling me once that sometimes fucked up shit happens to good people. Truer words were never spoken.
“Yeah, it’s fucked up, but in some weird, twisted ass way, I know that I wouldn’t be who I am today without it. It hasn’t been easy, though; don’t get me wrong. After my mom killed herself, my dad wanted a fresh start and that’s when he moved us to Denning. I was only fourteen at the time. I think he met your mom the following year at some Survivors of Suicide support group.”
My shock is immediate. “She went to a support group? When? I never saw her go. She never mentioned anything.” I would have gone with her. We could have healed together.
“I don’t know all of the details, Reid, but I think she started going after you left and after she divorced your father.”
It’s my turn to gaze out the window now as I contemplate my past. I can’t help but wonder how differently things could have been if we had just been brave enough to open up with each other.
We sit in silence for another fifteen minutes, and before I even realize it, I’ve reached the town limits for Denning.
Katie gives me the last few directions to her house—a house that she has shared with my mom for the last few years, a house of which I’ve never been a part. Suddenly I’m nervous—full-on, hands trembling, stomach clenching, tongue swollen, nervousness. The clock in the dashboard flashes that it’s three in the afternoon. We got a later start than we originally planned, but now I’m idling in the driveway trying to waste time.
The curtains shift and I see who I can only assume is Katie’s dad, move towards the door. She grasps my hand and squeezes gently. “Come on, Reid. It’s time to go home.”
It’s time indeed. It’s been four years since I’ve seen my mother. In mere minutes, I’ll be reunited with the woman who brought me into this world and suddenly, well suddenly, I have no freaking clue what to say to her.
Chapter 7
Thursday, December 13, 2012
I did not sleep well. A combination of nerves over starting work today and sadness over Reid leaving me had me tossing and turning all night. Not to mention, I had to get up to pee like five times. Google tells me that the frequent nighttime bathroom stops are a common occurrence in early pregnancy and that there’s really nothing I can do about it. I wonder if Google has a cure for a broken heart.
I don’t have to be at work until 11 a.m. which is perfect for the slow ass pace at which I’m moving this morning. I’m going to need every minute of the next three hours to get ready. Plus, I need to make a quick stop before work to get a new cell phone. I lost mine in the accident and I feel extremely disconnected without it.
After one last search for a nearby cell phone store, I push my laptop off of my crossed legs and get up from the bed. I must have moved too quickly, because suddenly I feel lightheaded and queasy. When Mel walks through the door with a plate of scrambled eggs, I sprint past her to the bathroom. I guess that would be the morning sickness.
Mel sits next to me on the floor and rubs calming circles on my back. After emptying the contents of my stomach, I wipe the sweat from my brow and lift my head. I’m a little less dizzy and the nausea has passed, but the smell of the eggs still hangs in the air. Mel gets me a cool rag and places it on the back of my neck.
“So I guess no eggs then, huh?” Her eyes are concerned and I feel bad at vomiting all over her kind gesture.
“I’m sorry, Mel. Thanks though. I guess the morning sickness is setting in.” I stand on uneasy legs and make my way down to the kitchen in search of something that is not eggs.
I grab some bread out of the fridge and pop it into the toaster. Mel busies herself at the counter preparing us some coffee. When she hands me my mug, she looks apologetic. “Damn, I forgot. You can’t have coffee. I’m sorry, Maddy. This is just going to take some getting used to.”
Laughing a little at her, I say, “Will you cut it out? I can still have a cup of coffee once a day. At least that’s what this one pregnancy website said. It also said that morning sickness happens around eight weeks. I’m going to call the doctor today and see if I can get in next week. I think I’ll pass on the coffee though until I get the okay from the doctor.” She nods at me with understanding and we eat our breakfast in companionable silence.
Of course my mind drifts back to Reid as I think about how much I actually dread having to call the doctor. Well, it’s not so much the call that I’m dreading, as much as the idea that I’ll more than likely have to go to my first appointment without Reid. It’s not as if I’ve spent my whole life envisioning what things would be like when I had a baby. I honestly never thought I would have a family of my own. I never wanted to let anyone in until Reid, and now that I love him, I don’t know how to give him up. I can’t let him walk out of my life for good.
Mel interrupts my faraway thoughts and asks, “Hey, do you mind if I use your car today while you’re at work? I have some Christmas shopping that I want to get done and some errands to run.” She’s rinsing the dishes that she dirtied when she made me the bre
akfast I couldn’t stomach.
“Sure thing, Mel.” I look up at the clock and realize that I need to get my ass in gear if I don’t want to be late for my first day. “I’m going to shower then we can leave. I want to stop at the Verizon store on the way there so I can get a new phone.”
“Great. I’ll be ready in fifteen.” She clears our dishes and loads them into the dishwasher, and as I take one backward glance before I leave the room, I can’t help but notice the sadness that’s in her eyes. I lean against the door jamb and she catches me staring.
“Is something wrong, Mel? You seem a little sad this morning.” I ask timidly.
She swats her hand in front of her, dismissing my question. “It’s nothing. I don’t want to worry you with it. You’ve already got too much . . .” I cut her off immediately. I walk back towards her and hold her shoulders in my hands.
Staring her down, I say completely serious, “Don’t you think for one single minute that just because I’m dealing with crap in my life that I don’t have time for you. What’s going on? Is it Bryan?” At the mention of his name, she stiffens and I can see tears form in her eyes.
I pull her down to sit in the chair next to me and she lowers her head to the table, burying it in her folded arms. It takes her a few moments to begin speaking and I realize it’s because she’s trying to stifle the sobs that are creeping up on her. I reach out and grab her hand and I can’t help but feel so unbelievably guilty that Mel has obviously been dealing with some serious stuff while I’ve been off in my own little world.
“Come on, Mel. Whatever it is, you can tell me. I’m here for you.” I try my best to coax her into speaking but she’s still lost to her tears. It takes her a few minutes, but she finally regains her composure and speaks.
“You’re right; it’s Bryan. Things were so amazing before we left for break. I . . . I told him I loved him and he looked at me like I sprouted an extra head or something. I really thought he felt the same way.” After she throws her hands up in exasperation, she gets up to pull a paper towel off of the roll.
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