Bryan stares absentmindedly out of my bedroom window as the sunlight dances through the thin purple curtains. Closing his eyes, as if he’ll find the answers hidden behind his lids, he finally starts talking. “I spent the last few months struggling with my family. Watching the people you love the most fall apart right before your eyes is pure torture. But when Emmie was staying with me for the summer, I felt alive again. I know it’s cheesy, but she gave me hope again. And then when I saw you again, I knew I had to take a chance.” He pulls my face to his and lightly grazes his lips across mine. “I just didn’t know how. And then when I saw you with that guy at camp, I lost my shit. Everything I thought about what happened between us, came crashing down around me.” Through tensely clenched jaw, he mutters, “I let my anger about everything—about you, about my dad, about my mom—I let it consume me. It changed me. “
I softly press my lips to his cheek and whisper against his skin, “It’s okay. You’re still you.” He leans into my lips and my heart swells. I missed him so much.
“But I wasn’t for a long time and I didn’t like who I was. I spent a lot of time thinking about how unfair I was to you when we broke up. I told you that you weren’t good enough, that you had to change.” His face twists in guilt. “How fucked up is that? We could have worked on things. Maybe we could have figured them out, but I told you to go fix yourself and here I was becoming the exact same kind of person I told you not to be.”
That’s pretty harsh to hear and it kills me to think that we could have figured things out a long time ago. Opting to take the high road, I bite back what could be a very pissed-off outburst. The truth is that he was right. Back then, I wasn’t a whole person; I was a shadow of the woman I’ve become.
“But Bryan, don’t you realize that I wouldn’t be who I am now, if you didn’t do that.” I take a deep breath and hope that my words make sense. “Most of what you said back then was right. I didn’t have faith in myself. I didn’t love myself. If we hadn’t broken up, I might have never found the strength to figure out who I am. I’m not going to lie; it wasn’t a pretty time for me. But I did a lot of soul searching and I spent a lot of time with my family. I learned so much about who I really am and I found out that I’m pretty awesome.” I flip my hair playfully to emphasize the dorkiness of what I’ve just said. His goofy grin and small laugh reassure me so I continue. “Maybe that’s just how things were supposed to be. We were meant to spend some time apart to figure things out, to pick up the pieces so that we could both be whole when we found each other again.”
Before I can even offer up my lame smile, his lips are on mine. His hands are in my hair and he’s pulling me so close to his body that I feel like we’re going to melt together as one. Pulling back from the branding kiss, he leans his forehead against mine. “I’m still scared.” His admission knocks me for a loop because it’s as if he’s just read my mind.
“Me too, Bry. I’m scared I won’t be enough for you, for us.”
“Shh . . . Melanie, I see how different you are, but you’re the same too. Sweet, kind, funny. You’re everything I fell in love with in the first place and so much more. I’m just afraid we’ll screw it up again.” His thumbs brush my cheeks tenderly. “What if we’re too different?” His vulnerability cuts through me.
I don’t want to verbalize the fear I feel. There’s some truth to what he’s saying, but in my heart, in my gut, I have a feeling that the different people we’ve become are the people who were meant to be together.
Recalling the words he said to me so long ago, I laugh softly. “Do you remember what you said to me when we first met? That you would show me rather than tell me all of the ways we would be perfect together?”
He pulls his face away from mine. Tapping his finger on his kiss-swollen lower lip, he acts as if he’s trying to recall some long-lost secret. “Yeah, I think I remember saying something like that.” I swat him teasingly on his arm.
I shoot him a look of seriousness and get lost in his melted-chocolate eyes for a minute. “Let me show you just how good we can be. Let me wear you down and prove to you that even though we’ve both changed, we’re better off for it.”
“I think I can do that, Melanie. But just what did you have in mind?” He arches an eyebrow at me on his last words.
I drop the sheet from around my breasts and straddle his hips. “A little of this,” I say as I wiggle on top of him. On another wiggle, I add “And a little of that.”
His fingers dig into the soft flesh of my waist as he nudges his hips up into mine. “I think I like your plan,” he mutters lustily. I lean down onto his body and mumble against his lips, “Oh, no. You’re going to love my plan.”
We spend the rest of the day showing each other just how good we are for together, coming up for air and food only when necessary. As dusk settles in and the sun descends behind the mountains, the sky is set ablaze in a fiery hotness that mirrors the day we just spent together.
Sprawling out in my bed, Bryan is wearing only his boxers and I’ve opted to cover up with an extra-long T-shirt and panties. Cuddled at his side, I let my fingers trace random patterns across his chest.
“So where does this leave us?” Damn me and my stupid need for definition.
Bryan clears his throat as he tucks his hand behind his head. “I don’t know, Melanie. I don’t know.”
“Yeah, me either.” And that’s the honest truth. Sure, the last day has been great and we’ve talked a lot—among other things—but, there’s still so much to figure out. “How about we just take it slowly, one day at a time? We’ll see how things go, day-by-day. Sound good?” My suggestion actually doesn’t seem half bad.
Kissing the top of my head, Bryan nods his agreement. “It’s perfect, Melanie.”
“It might be a little cold tomorrow, but we could start back at the beginning.” I point to Emmie’s picture of Happy Times Waterfall that hangs on the wall above my computer.
“Just be sure to wear your sneakers.” I poke him in the side and stick my tongue out at him. He just pulls me closer to his side and inhales the sweet citrus scent of my hair. “Cold or not, I can’t think of a better way to spend the day. As long as I’m with you, it’ll be perfect.”
I roll my eyes. “Will you stop saying that?”
“What?” He looks down at me, clearly confused by my words.
“Perfect. Things are never going to be perfect. It’s impossible.” I pull him closer to me and kiss his lips tenderly. “We’re not perfect, neither one of us. And we never will be, but we can be imperfect together.”
His lips dance across mine and happiness shimmers in his warm, brown eyes. “Then here’s to one imperfect day after another.”
Chapter 18
December 2013
It’s lame to say, but very true—Bryan and I have spent the last month together basking in the glow of our not-so-perfect love. We’ve fought and made up and then fought again, but through it all we’ve learned to be honest—both with ourselves and with each other. When we first got back together, there were a few times that I thought we wouldn’t make it. Like when he gets stressed out and angry about home. Or when I feel like I don’t deserve his love and affection after all I put us through. That’s usually when he reminds me that it wasn’t entirely my fault.
As mended as we may both be, there’s obviously still a lot of healing that needs to happen. I’m not disillusioned enough to think it’d all be rainbows and glitter, so at least I was a little prepared for the struggles. I wasn’t as prepared for just how amazing the good times would be, though.
Just this past weekend we volunteered at the local Special Olympics and it was, by far, the most rewarding experience of my life. We were paired with Joey, a twenty-year-old with Downs Syndrome. When he won his first of three medals, he actually cried. Which of course made me cry and even though Bryan will still deny it, I know that I saw a tear or two fill his eyes.
The last event for the day was an indoor group soccer game. It wasn�
�t at the level at which Bryan was used to playing, but he was in his glory. It was clear that he missed the game, but based on the way he was running with the other players and coaching them along the way, he missed his sister even more. I think it was a defining day for us, not just as a couple, but as individuals as well. Bryan has always been a helper—be it for Professor O’Neil, Bella, Emmie or even his mom, Bryan has always had a kind heart and a caring soul. I think he got a piece of that back as he ran his final lap around the soccer field with Joey.
I know I got a piece of myself back that day too. For so long I thought I didn’t deserve to be loved, that the people who did love me only did so out of obligation. But after reading the letters from my dad, and seeing my mom find love again, I know that I am surrounded by loads of unconditional love. That’s why I love working with kids with special needs. At the end of the day, when Joey, Bryan and I walked off the field, he asked us if we would be back next year. Without missing a beat, at the same time, Bryan and I said, “We wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
That day was proof positive of how much we’ve changed, but it was also a testament to how closely we’ve grown together.
So here we are, one year away from the week that forced us apart and the same nervousness about our distance is seeping into my soul all over again. We’re at Bella’s on our last date before we have to spend the holiday break apart again. Bryan can feel my leg shaking under the table. “What’s wrong, babe?” His hand stretches out across the table and I willingly place mine into it.
“Forget it. It’s silly.” I swat my other hand in front of me and reach for my water.
Squeezing my hand tightly, he locks me in his persistent stare. “Stop it. Something is bothering you. What is it? Please tell me.”
Remembering out promise to be honest with each other, I take a deep breath and divulge my foolish concerns. “I’m just nervous about being away from you.”
Bryan releases my hand and starts lightly tickling my forearm. Leaning in closer to me, I close my eyes and enjoy the feel of his fingertips on my skin. Just like that, I’m calmed. His touch has that kind of power over me. “Okay, now that you’re relaxed, listen to me.” I nod and stifle my rising emotions.
“I don’t want to be away from you either. I kind of like waking up with you, but I have to go home. It’s Mom’s first Christmas alone and she’s been doing well, going to AA meetings and all that, but I just . . . I need to be there with her and Emmie.” He pulls my hand up to his lips and sweetly kisses my knuckles.
“I know, baby. I understand, but it doesn’t mean I’ll miss you any less.” His thumb gently stroking over my knuckles calms me a bit more. I take a deep breath and throw out my last Hail Mary. “Are you sure you won’t be able to make it to the wedding next week?”
“You know I want to be there. We’ve talked about this. It’s just too close to Christmas. I can’t . . .”
“I know, Bryan. I just thought I would ask one more time. Let’s drop it and enjoy our last night together.”
An impish grin spreads across his face. “We definitely will.”
After dinner, we settle the bill and Bella hugs us as we walk out into the blustery air. We hurry across the street back to my empty apartment. Cammie flew out to Chicago this morning to spend the week with Jack. They’ll both fly into Elmira for Maddy and Reid’s wedding next week. I’ve honestly never seen Cammie happier than when she knew she would be with Jack again. Lia is out with her current boy-toy, at least that’s what I’m assuming. She never does bring them around here. Peyton is actually staying in Ithaca through the break. She got a job at the local bookstore and coffee shop combo to make some more money on top of the meager salary she earns at the tutoring center. That’s where she is tonight, so we have the place to ourselves.
Barging through the door, I’m shaking from the frigid winter air. After brushing off the few snowflakes that landed on my shoulders, I take off my coat and hand it to Bryan. He hangs both of our coats up on the rack near the front door and reaches out for my hand. “Come with me.”
Dumfounded, I stare at him. “Where else would I go?” I waggle an eyebrow at him, but he just tugs me down the hallway to my room. The sight before me stops me in my tracks and forces my words to get stuck in my throat. There are candles everywhere and flower petals dot the floor.
“What’s this for?” I ask on a whisper. Bryan comes up behind me and wraps his arms around my waist. With his front pressed to my back, he nuzzles into my neck and presses his lips there.
“Well, this was the plan I had in mind for the first time I told you ‘I love you,’ but that didn’t go as planned.” He gently nips at my earlobe but quickly soothes the bite with his tongue. “So this time,” those words cause my breath to hitch and force me to turn around in the circle of his arms.
“Yes, this time. This time when I tell you ‘I love you,’ I wanted it to be just right.” I stretch up on my toes and kiss him with the love I think he just professed to me.
Leaning his forehead against mine, he takes a deep breath. “I know we said we would take it day-by-day, but I need to tell you that I love you. I thought I loved you before, and I did, but it was different. The person you are now, I love her even more.”
“Bryan, I love you too. Thank you for tonight. It’s . . .”
He laughs as he mumbles the word “perfect” against my lips.
Pulling him further into the room by the waistband of his pants, I laugh and deepen the kiss. “Get in here so I can show you just how much I love you,” I say against his lips. His only response is a low groan of appreciation as he grips my ass tightly.
In a fevered rush of passion, we’re naked in a matter of seconds. Clothes fly to the floor and moans rumble through the air. We stumble toward the bed and I push him down on the mattress. His body is hot and hard beneath me. Settling in between his legs, I take his cock into my mouth. His breath hisses through his teeth as he pulls my hair into a loose knot in his hand. “Fuck . . . Melanie . . . ahhhh” He pushes up to my mouth and I lick, suck and taste every single inch of him. Looking up at him, I can tell he’s close. The veins in his neck, and elsewhere, are bulging and pulsing with barely contained desire.
I grab a condom from the nightstand and roll it over him. Straddling his hips, I sink down onto him, slowly. Before I take him all the way, I pull back until he’s almost completely out of me. Inch-by-agonizing-inch, I torture us both. Never sinking fully down onto him and never completely lifting off of him. “Melanie, you’re fucking killing me. Please . . .” His fingers dig into my hips as he pulls me down onto him. No longer able to maintain the torturously slow pace, I slam my hips down onto his as he pushes up into me.
He angles his hips to his that sweet spot deep inside of me. Heat flashes across my skin as I teeter on the edge of my control. A handful of long, hard and deep thrusts push me to and over the edge. “Bryan . . . I’m coming. Oh God, Bryan!”
He stills himself inside of me as he loses the battle with his own orgasm. My legs shake and I flop down on top of him, no longer able to hold myself up. Bryan wraps his arms around my back and lazily tickles my skin.
Our lovemaking has just washed away whatever worries I had earlier about spending a few weeks apart. I now realize how silly it is to be worried about it. His heart beating against my chest is all the reassurance I need that we’ll make it work somehow.
“I can’t believe you’re married!” I squeal at the top of my lungs as Maddy and Reid walk into the private room at the quaint reception hall.
Hugging me with all of her might, she says, “I know. It’s crazy, right?”
“Yeah, kinda. But Reid is your forever,” I reassure her as we exchange a sisterly smile.
She stayed at my house last night and we shared the same bed like we did when she first moved in. It feels like a lifetime ago and in many ways it is. She shared her fears with me, but no matter how cold her feet got, she knew that the feeling was fleeting. Her and Reid were meant to be
and today is a celebration of their hard-won happily ever after.
I’ve only been home for a few days and in all the wedding craziness, I haven’t had much of a chance to update Maddy on all things Bryan related. We talked about it and she’s elated that we’re back together, but it just hasn’t been the main topic of conversation.
After our little pep-talk upstairs in the suite, we line up outside of the ballroom, ready to make out entrance. Hooking my arm through Dylan’s, the best man, he pats the top of my hand. “Ready, Melanie.”
I bounce on my toes to the beat of the music playing loudly inside. “You betcha, Dylan. Let’s do this.” The DJ calls our names and we join the crowd waiting for Maddy and Reid to be announced.
The DJ’s voice booms through the music. “Now, let’s hear it for the new Mr. and Mrs. Reid Connely!” Everyone claps, cheers and whistles as my eyes fill with happy tears. I glance over at Mom standing next to me. She has tears in her eyes, too. Evan notices them and hands her a tissue. He wraps a strong arm around her shoulder and peeks at me over her head. Winking at me with a smirk on his face, I know that after Christmas another wedding will be in our near future.
Of course, Mom doesn’t know yet. That would ruin the surprise.
Later in the night, I catch a quiet moment alone at my table. Mom waves at me from the dance floor as Evan twirls her around to the lyrics of Eric Clapton’s “Wonderful Tonight.” Wistfully, I think about dancing with Bryan. I can’t wait to get back to school and to continue on our day-by-day journey.
Lost in happy thoughts, Maddy sits down next to me. “Hey, sweetie.” Maddy smiles cheerfully at me.
“Are you okay, Mel?” she asks when I don’t answer her right away. Honestly, she just caught me off guard as I was recalling images of the last time Bryan and I made love before I came home. That was a good night, indeed.
I sigh softly, wishing Bryan were here with me. “Of course I am. But let’s not talk about me. You look beautiful today, you know?” I don’t want to bring her down. So even though I know she thinks that I’m just trying to change the subject, I sway the attention back to her.
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