She raised defiant, panicked eyes to his. He stepped forward, as though seeing her true emotions, but she remained guarded, her impenetrable wall around her. “I ca—don’t love you, Teddy. I only wanted to know what all the fuss was about. It seemed as good a time as any other to find out.”
He blanched, his hands fisted at his side. “I don’t believe you.”
“Then all your claims of knowing me were for naught. I don’t love you.” Her voice cracked. “I’ll never love you. How could you ever believe I’d be content with a man who spends all his time tinkering away on meaningless projects, hidden away in a lab?” Her voice strengthened the more she spoke, and the determined defiance in her eyes masked her true emotions.
Teddy nodded, and nodded so many times he feared he would never stop. He turned away from her, placing a hand on the fireplace mantel, gripping it so tightly he thought he’d be able to tear off a piece of the marble. He heard the rustling of cloth, the silent mutterings and groans as she dressed herself without the aid of a maid.
He turned to watch her struggle with her long evening dress, unable to button up the back by herself. “Come here, Zee,” he murmured. At her wary expression, he rasped, “I won’t do anything more than button you up. You’ve made it abundantly clear I’ve been nothing more than an experiment to you over the past months.”
He attempted to fasten the buttons without touching her but failed numerous times. Each time she shivered or gasped as his fingers brushed against her bare skin. “I, of all people, should have known you would never see me as anything more.” He gripped her shoulders, kissing the back of her nape before turning her to face him. “No matter how you feel about me, or this evening, I will always be thankful you called.” He sighed against her forehead, before releasing her.
Zylphia paled. “Teddy, you can’t believe we will ever be any more to each other.” She pointed around the room, at the chairs pushed away, the cushions on the ground that they’d rested on after their bout of passion. “This is all we’ll ever have.”
“How do I know you aren’t speaking rashly, like you often do? That you aren’t just lashing out, intending to cause pain, because you’re afraid of what you feel?” He gripped her arms for a moment before trailing his hands down to hers, clasping them, lifting them to hold them in front of his heart. “Tell me plainly, so there is never any doubt. Will you marry me, Zylphia? Now or ten years from now? Will you be my wife?”
“No. No, I will not. I refuse you, Theodore Goff. Now and forever.”
His eyes went dull, as though experiencing a soul-shattering grief, and he squeezed her hands once before releasing them. “Then good-bye, Miss McLeod. I wish you well. My butler will ensure that a car sees you home.”
“Teddy—”
He held a hand up to her lips, silencing her. “There is no more to say. And I think from now on, should we meet, as distant acquaintances, I should always be Mr. Goff to you. For you will always be Miss McLeod to me. I’d never want to be perceived as impertinent in my attentions to you.”
He bowed formally and moved toward the door, opening it for her. He dug his fingers into his pant leg when he heard her sniffle. He refused to watch her walk away from him forever, so he abruptly closed the door on her retreating form.
He collapsed onto the leather chair he’d occupied hours before and stared into the dying embers of the fire. Idly stroking a hand over his heart, he knew no elixir existed for this ache.
30
A gentle fire roared in the fireplace, and Zylphia flinched as the pieces of coal collapsed onto each other, sending sparks flying up the chute. Lights on low side tables were lit, although the overhead lights in the family parlor were off, giving the room a soft, intimate glow. Rich burgundy wallpaper lined the walls, with silver sconces on the walls. To one side of the room, two chairs surrounded a small table set with an unfinished game of chess atop.
“What’s got you riled?” Delia asked as she passed Zylphia a cup of tea after dinner.
“Problems with one of your suitors?” Aidan asked with a wink to Delia. He sobered when he saw Zylphia flinch again. “I heard you attracted quite a bit of attention last night. I’m glad you are taking to society as you wished.”
Zylphia paled, her teacup rattling on its saucer before she set it down. “I fear your informant was misinformed.”
Delia leaned forward and patted Zylphia on the knee. “I was there last night, Zee. I saw the number of attentive men wanting to speak with you.”
“Did you see the last bit? Where I had to knee one in the”—she waved her hand around rather than speak the word—“and stomp on another’s foot?”
“Of course not. I heard laughter, as I always hear when you are about. You bring joy wherever you go.”
“Mother, they were laughing at me, not with me.” Zylphia blinked away tears. At her father’s nod to tell him what had transpired, Zylphia spoke. “They found out I’d been raised in an orphanage. They realized I wasn’t reunited with you, Father, until I was much older.”
“And thus believed that you are a young woman of loose morals and it was acceptable to abuse you?” Aidan’s eyes flashed.
Zylphia flushed, images of the evening before with Teddy flashing before her. “Yes.” She took a deep breath and met her father’s gaze. “They learned I’m not to have a dowry and extrapolated from that how you are ashamed of me. Or that I’m not truly your daughter.”
Aidan shook his head and stood, his expression wild. “Idiots. If they had a modicum of the intelligence they are credited with, they’d realize I refuse to have happen to you what happened to Savannah.” He began to pace, his agitation evident.
“Enough scandal has occurred in the past ten years that Sav’s barely whispered about now,” Zylphia said. “Instead they believe that you’ve been duped into believing I’m your daughter. Some even expressed their sympathy for you.”
Aidan’s eyes glowed with a fierce love as he stopped before his daughter. “Tell me who said such things, and I will destroy them. They have no right to disparage you or to make you doubt, for one second …”
Zylphia rushed to reassure him. “I didn’t, Father. I was angry and frightened but never doubtful. As a loyal friend said to me recently, I only need look in a mirror to know I’m your daughter.”
“I do not want you to doubt my love for you, Zee,” Aidan said, kneeling beside her. “If my not dowering you until after you’re married is proving a problem, please tell me. I believed it would keep you safe from the fortune hunters.”
Zylphia sniffled at the boundless love she saw in her father’s eyes. “As I have no immediate desire to marry, it also aids in determining who is interested in me rather than forming an alliance with you.”
Aidan nodded his agreement and smiled as he ran a hand over her head before he frowned. “You didn’t come home immediately after last night’s gathering.” He raised an eyebrow.
“I thought I’d been betrayed by a friend. I confronted him, only belatedly realizing he never betrayed me.” Zylphia looked down at her shaking hands. The realization that Teddy was no longer her friend was only beginning to register.
“Would this be Theodore Goff?” Delia shared a worried glance with Aidan.
“Yes. I’d told him of my past a few months ago, and I thought he’d told his friends. But he hadn’t.”
Aidan let out a sigh of frustration, rising to take his seat again. “Why are you so devastated, Zee? Those men are obviously buffoons and beneath your consideration. I wouldn’t waste one moment’s worth of worry over them.”
Zylphia rose, wandering to the fireplace. “If you can believe it, Mr. Goff asked me to marry him last night.”
“Oh, Zee,” Delia murmured. She shared a long glance with Aidan when Zylphia remained silent, staring at the flames.
“And? How did you answer the man?” Aidan demanded.
“How would you expect? I don’t want to marry. At least not yet. I want to dedicate myself to the movement, not be
tied down to a husband or babies.” Zylphia’s voice shattered as though fighting a sob. “Besides, could you see me married to him?”
Aidan took a deep breath, and Delia clasped his hand. He gave it a quick pat before strumming his fingers on his knee. “What more could you want than a man dedicated to you and family? A man who’s intelligent and isn’t afraid of the fact you’re equally as intelligent? A man who isn’t threatened by your brilliance as an artist? A man who’s only ever had eyes for you since he saw you? What more could you want?”
“He’s dull. All he does all day is tinker with his experiments and read! He doesn’t like to go out, dance …”
“You think a man interested in the likes of Scollay Square will make you a better husband?”
“Father, please.” Zylphia swiped at her cheeks, her grip on the fireplace mantle tightening. Her mind flashed back to Teddy the night before doing just this, and she shook her head, freeing herself of the memory.
Aidan rose and strode toward her. He gripped her shoulders and turned her to face him, taking her chin between his fingers so she had to meet his gaze. “Being afraid of love, of losing that love, doesn’t mean you don’t feel it. You never know when you’ll be fortunate enough to find love, Zee. If you turn away from it out of fear of disappointment or of what might come, you lose out on the absolute joy to be experienced today. For today is all that matters and all that we’ve been promised.”
“I don’t want him to realize those men were right or to disappoint his parents in his choice of me,” Zylphia whispered, as the tears flowed. She looked toward her mother as her mother choked back a sob. “And for him to regret his choice but be unable to undo it because he’s married me.”
“You have to trust him, Zylphia,” her father said. “Trust that he knows his mind and heart. Just as he will have to learn to trust you after this disappointment. I imagine your refusal devastated him.”
“I’m not sure I love him,” Zylphia whispered, brushing away a tear.
“Imagine your life without him in it. Never speaking with him again. How do you feel?”
Tears coursed down her cheeks. “Like I can’t breathe.”
Aidan’s expression softened as he pulled her into his arms for a gentle embrace. “When you envision the friend you want to discuss your day with, who is it?”
“Teddy.” Her voice emerged as a croak.
“Then there’s your answer. You can run from it all you want, Zee. But you already know the truth.” Aidan held her as she sobbed in his arms.
“I hope you were kind in your refusal so that there is some hope for you, when you meet him again,” Delia murmured.
“I don’t know what to do.” Zylphia pushed away from her father, rubbing at her cheeks. “I was cruel last night. I spoke to intentionally hurt him.”
“Then you must make him understand that you feel differently now. Or rather that you are now willing to acknowledge how you truly feel.” Delia held out her hand to Zylphia, who walked toward her. She sat next to her mother and burrowed into her mother’s shoulder.
“The next time you see him, ensure he understands how you feel. I’m certain he will forgive you.” Aidan watched his wife and daughter on the settee, a warm glow in his eyes. “I don’t know how any man could deny either of you.”
Zylphia sat in Sophronia’s front sitting room, decorated in shades of pale blue verging on gray. She drummed her fingers on the satin settee, its aquamarine color almost a match for Sophie’s eyes and clashing with the more somber tone of the room. She faced the door when she heard the approach of Sophie’s cane.
“Hmph,” Sophie grumbled as she entered the room. “I knew I shouldn’t take my daughter’s advice and use her decorator. He made this room look like a mortuary.”
“Clarissa always told me how soothing this room was to her.”
“Yes, when it was a nice bright yellow. Now it’s a mixed-up medley of blues and grays, and it’s always darker than it should be even during the brightest part of the day.” She collapsed onto her chair, keeping a firm hand on her walking stick. “But what’s done is done. No use throwing good money at something as ridiculous as furnishings.”
“You should be comfortable, Sophie.”
“If you think, for one moment, I’m not comfortable in my lovely little mansion on the Hill, you are quite mistaken.” She cackled. “I’m fine. Stop fretting over me.” She stared pointedly at Zylphia. “Now I’d like to believe you’re in a lather over the recent developments with regard to the cause. The news I’ve received from Washington and Alice are quite disturbing. I had hoped that President Wilson was a more progressive man. However, I fear it will be some time before he voices his support for universal suffrage.”
“I’m surprised you’ve succeeded in hiding your correspondence with Alice from the leaders of NAWSA.” Zylphia raised an amused eyebrow.
“I may not inform my colleagues, Carrie or Anna, that I remain on friendly terms with Alice, but I refuse to alienate a woman determined to earn the vote for women. She may be considered radical and unconventional, but I’m hopeful she will prod those unwilling to act from their inertia.”
“I would think you’d favor more conventional tactics.”
“Conventional tactics have produced limited results. They’ve obtained us the vote in nine states. Alice’s dream of a constitutional amendment may seem radical, but I believe it is the only way to ensure all women have access to full enfranchisement.” She frowned. “I refuse to go to my grave, like Elizabeth and Susan, clinging to the dream of casting a vote. I demand that I’m allowed to vote before you throw dirt on my casket!”
Zylphia frowned at the mention of Sophie in a casket. “I fear this will take longer than we had envisioned after the triumph of last year’s march.”
“If you call triumph being mauled and harassed by a horde of drunken men with little police oversight and a congressional unwillingness to find wrongdoing, then you are truly an optimist.” Sophie gripped the handle of her cane. “We need to ensure that men see the value of women voting. That they see the advantage of women possessing the full rights of citizenship. I fear that the actions of Alice’s group, with her banner-waving and chalk-writing on boardwalks will only alienate men. They’ll see us as no better than hooligans. But I’m afraid I don’t know what else to do to raise awareness of our cause.”
“If we are respectful and law-abiding, I don’t see as they can turn against us.” Zylphia took a sip of water.
“Oh, you’d be surprised what they’ll do to ensure we don’t succeed. What they’ll say. They’ve already bandied about that the young suffragists are a horde of free-willed women with loose morals.”
Zylphia blushed involuntarily, earning an intense stare from Sophie. “I’m sure that’s an exaggeration. The women who are part of this movement are upstanding members of society.”
“Quite a few espouse the notions from the Village in New York City. It’s rumored they live in communes.” Sophie raised her eyebrows, and her eyes twinkled with mischief.
“Sophie! I can’t believe you listen to such gossip.” Zylphia fanned herself as she flushed.
“Well, I’m afraid it’s more than gossip. And, from what I’ve experienced, what begins in New York City tends to spread.”
“You make it sound like the plague.”
Sophie cackled. “Whether I like it or not—and I truthfully couldn’t imagine a granddaughter of mine espousing such a life, even though I like to think of myself as a free-thinking woman—the world is changing.” She stared pointedly at Zylphia. “And you need to embrace it. Not continually fight against it. You’ll only become disillusioned and bitter, and I can’t imagine my Clarissa’s cousin in such a state.”
Zylphia dropped her head in her hands, tears running down her cheeks.
“Zylphia? I meant to challenge you, not cause you such distress.” Sophie heaved herself to her feet and moved to sit next to Zylphia on the settee.
“Forgive me. I don’t kno
w why I’m crying.” She swiped at her cheeks, smiling her thanks as she accepted a handkerchief from Sophie.
“Has that Goff boy upset you?” Sophie’s mouth turned down in disgust. “I thought him more sensible than that.”
“He did, yes, but it is my own stupidity that’s brought me such grief.” She took a calming breath, raising confused eyes to Sophie. “I fear I’ve ruined everything. Forever.”
“Said like the young. Always so dramatic.” She tapped Zylphia’s hand, either in encouragement or impatience. “Tell me what happened.”
“After I was insulted at a gathering last week, I went to Teddy’s to confront him. I thought he’d told his friends about my past, even though he’d promised he wouldn’t. He assured me he didn’t, and then, after a while, he asked me to marry him.”
“I’m assuming something momentous happened during the after a while portion of the evening,” Sophie said drily. At Zylphia’s blush, Sophie harrumphed and nodded her encouragement for Zylphia to continue.
“He thought it meant we’d marry.”
“Why should you be upset he’d think that? I’d think you’d be disturbed if he didn’t feel that way.”
Zylphia shook her head, tears falling.
“You’re not making any sense, darling girl.”
“I know. He told me how he wanted us to be together, and all I felt was panic. Panic that my life was no longer my own. Panic that he’d now control me in some way.”
Sophronia stroked a hand over Zylphia’s hair, soothing her. “I’d feel more panic if he bedded you and pushed you out the door, with no thought to your future or your happiness.” She smiled ruefully. “Which goes to show I’m an old-fashioned woman at heart, no matter how much I like to consider myself a radical.”
Zylphia whispered, “I hurt him, Sophie. Intentionally. I told him that I would never want to marry him. That I’d never love him. How he was boring and a fool to believe I’d ever consider him worthy of marrying me.”
Tenacious Love (Banished Saga, Book Four): Banished Saga, Book Four Page 33