I kick the sand with my bare feet and wish I could fix myself. Any other woman would’ve jumped up and down when they got a look at that big, beautiful ring Blake wanted to give me.
Not me though. Deep inside of me there was only one thought. I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve the ring, the money, nor the man. They’re all wonderful gifts that I am sure to ruin.
The shield I’ve built around my heart to keep it protected is being taken down a pebble at a time by Blake. When he goes all out and rushes forward, they go right back into place.
I thought the pebbles were gone, but they must’ve been lying around, waiting for a big gush of sentiment to come at me. Blake has flooded me with gifts this last week and I took them all like a champ.
It surprised me that I allowed him to give me so much. I jumped right on the band wagon with him. We can learn to be rich together, I thought. I do want to make a profitable restaurant anyway. I may as well learn how to have money.
That’s how I convinced myself that it was okay to take what he was giving me. But the ring and his financial security was just a little too much for me. It would be damn nice to understand why that is.
I live in Los Angeles. I see gold diggers every day and know there’s a difference in them and rich people with genuine love and respect for one another. Blake and I could be that.
I respect the hell out of that man. Can’t really say I’ve ever thought so highly of anyone before him. He’s sweet, caring, generous, and faithful. Like a dog that you forget to feed and sometimes forget to bring in out of the cold, but he still loves you anyway. The moment you let him in he’s all happy and frolicking.
That’s Blake to a tee. I’ve left with no regard what so ever for his feelings and he’s taken me back every time and never made me pay for what I did to him.
This last week has been amazing. Not only has he treated me like a queen, but his personal attention to me has been out of this world. I even let him tie me to the bed one night and he made me so happy I did.
He spends time thinking about what will please me in so many ways. I know most men are all about what you can do for them in the bedroom, but Blake isn’t that way at all.
And here I am walking alone down the beach as the sun melts into the ocean, creating a stunning picture. My sweet man sits at my tiny apartment waiting for my return.
Not a very fair thing for someone who is as giving and loving as he is. He buys me a fantastic engagement ring and asks me to marry him and I go crazy and leave him alone.
Bet he never thought in a million years this would have been the outcome of all his planning.
It occurs to me that we were going to go to Vegas, and he’d asked Kip and Peyton to come along. I wonder if he was planning on us getting married tonight.
He most likely was, and I just went and fucked the whole thing up. Just because I don’t think I deserve good things.
I should go back and accept his proposal and bite my tongue to keep my idiot mouth shut. Once we’re married it will be too late to second guess anything.
It’s not the smartest thing I’ve ever contemplated doing before, but it’s not the most idiotic thing either.
A man jogs by me with a dog on a leash. The dog’s tail is wagging like crazy and it reminds me of Blake’s idea about us getting a puppy.
Blake is this happy-go-lucky guy and I’m Debbie Downer. He’s all, ‘let’s get married!’ I’m all, ‘But one day we might break up.’
Man, I’m a real fucking moron!
I pick up my pace as I head back to my car. I’m going to do it. If he’ll still have me, I’m going to tell him the answer is yes and that we should get our asses to Vegas and do this thing before my insanity catches up to me again.
It has to be a little bit of insanity after all. What woman in her right mind would look at that ring he had and his gorgeous face and rocking body and say, not now, sweetheart?
It’s been three hours that I’ve walked and I hope he’s not really pissed at me for being gone so long. Perhaps I should find him a puppy so he can’t be mad at me. He seems the type if you gave him a puppy he’d get over any anger he had in him and turn into a mush ball over the thing.
But then again, that might be something he wants us to pick out together as a couple, as a married couple. I open the car door and climb inside of the beautiful car he bought me and think that I have to learn how to hold my tongue and gauge my reactions to good news.
It seems I have the opposite reactions that most people have. That’s something I have to change. I’m making a vow to myself right here and now.
No more Debbie Downer!
I’m going to follow Blake’s lead and be a happy-go-lucky gal.
Well, maybe not a gal. A happy-go-lucky young woman.
There, that’s better!
Blake
For the first hour I waited patiently. Rachelle has issues and I am no stranger to them. But when the second hour came I got a little hot under the collar and the third one came and I told myself to get the fuck out of there.
With a note that told her I wanted to get married or get on with my life, I feel like she knows where I stand. It’s been far too long and I’m ready to start this marriage. Three to five years is too far away for me. I’m no fool and know she’ll never agree with me.
I left and I am not going to allow myself to look back. I’m done!
It’s obvious to me that I have to cut Kip and Max out of my life as well, if I am to get Rachelle out and keep her out. I can’t take her constant rejection. No one should subject themselves to what she dishes out.
I know I’ll hurt for a while, but it will heal just like any other life changing and devastating wound. People lose real parts of their bodies and live. The part that has been pulverized in me isn’t even a real piece of flesh and blood, just feelings.
I’ll live. Don’t know if I’ll ever love again, but I’ll live.
The ring I took back to the jewelry store and had to hug the young woman who sold it to me as she seemed more upset than I am. Luckily, Kip and Peyton were out so I was able to get into my helicopter and take off without having to get into things with them.
I know they’d talk me into staying around and talking to Rachelle. That would only delay the inevitable. She doesn’t want a piece of paper keeping us together and her taken care of.
Well, I can’t be in a relationship and be selfish. I’m a giver, a person who makes sure the people they love are well cared for and know they’re loved.
I guess I’m a real bastard!
My cell phone lights up and plays the wedding march, the song I had just set for Rachelle’s ring tone. I pick it up and hit the reject button. Let her see how it feels.
I can’t get home fast enough. Once there I will start my life over.
A life without her!
And with that in mind I toss my cell phone out of the helicopter. Anyone who has that number is behind me. Forward is the only way to go now.
Rachelle
I cannot believe he sent my call straight to voicemail. I sent him a text with the word, yes, written in capital letters and he still hasn’t responded. I pick up my phone and make sure he knows what that means.
-That is a yes to the question. I want to marry you, Blake, please call or come back. I love you!!!!-
Time is passing like molasses and I am in agony not knowing where he is or if he’s okay. It’s nearing ten o’clock as I call Peyton to see if they’ve heard from him.
“Where are you guys?” Peyton asks as she answers the call.
“That’s an odd way to answer the phone, Peyt. I’m at my apartment.”
“Then why is the car Blake borrowed here and his chopper gone? I thought you two were heading to Vegas this evening. Why are you still here?”
“His chopper is gone? Shit!”
Peyton sighs. “What did you do now?”
“He came home with a gorgeous engagement ring and asked me to marry him and I freaked out and ended up le
aving for a few hours. But I came to my senses and came back to accept his proposal, only he was gone.” I pace as I think what it is I need to do.
I can’t let the greatest thing to ever happen to me get away!
“Wow! That’s big. You know he may be done, sweetie. I mean, that’s a pretty big thing you did there. He’s such a sweetheart too, Shelly. I can’t imagine how hurt he must have been.”
“Damn it! I know! I’m an ass! Peyton, if I lose him I may as well die! God, help me!” I fall on the sofa as my eyes fill with tears. “I don’t know what to do. I called and sent him a text accepting his proposal and nothing. It’s more than him not wanting to talk to me. I’m afraid something might have happened. Now that you’ve told me he’s in his chopper I’m really afraid. Can you call him? Maybe he’ll answer if Kip calls.”
I hear her shouting at Kip and he gets close enough I can hear him over the phone. His thick Australian accent fills my ear. “What, love?”
Peyton gives him the run down as I listen and to hear her say it makes it really sink in what I’ve done to him. Ass isn’t even close to the word I feel like. A total piece of shit who doesn’t deserve to even breathe the same air someone as wonderful as Blake breaths is what I am.
Kip huffs and says, “Ouch, that’s painful. I’ll give ‘em a ring.”
“Okay, he’s making the call, Shelly.”
I wait and listen and after a minute Kip tells her he didn’t answer. “I’m calling Max then,” I say. “Bye. If you hear from him let me know, Peyton.”
“I will, bye.”
I call Max and Lexi answers the phone.
Fantastic, I get to tell my terrible story again and re-live that shit!
After many gasps and sighs, Lexi says, “Well, hibbetty, bibetty, Shell. That’s a bunch of terrible things, isn’t it? I tell you what that’s a heap more than Max ever put me through. Oh my, poor Blake. He must be near suicidal.”
“Lex,” I groan. “I’m really getting worried about him. Do you think Max can try to call him? He wouldn’t answer Kip’s call.”
She yells for Max and he listens to the tale as only Lexi can add all kinds of silly words to it and make me nearly laugh if I wasn’t so damn worried. Then he mumbles something and the next thing I know Lexi is telling me he wants to talk to me.
“Rachelle, what the hell are you thinking?” he shouts at me.
I cringe as I’ve never been yelled at by Max and he’s super intimidating suddenly. “Max, I’m just…”
“No, I don’t want to hear it. No more excuses. A great man asks you to marry him and you act like he did something awful to you. This is enough out of you. I’m not going to get him to talk to you just so you can tear another chunk out of his kind and generous heart. Do you understand me?”
“Max, I didn’t mean…”
His voice is booming as he says, “You didn’t mean to hurt him. Yeah, I know your same old song and dance. Well this time you’re going to have to figure things out on your own. You really don’t want me to call him because my advice to him is going to be to forget about you. You are no good for him.”
“Max, that’s not true. I am good for him. I just got confused and afraid that I don’t deserve him, but the truth is I can be good for him. We are great together and it’s just my insecurities that get in the way. I can control them if I try hard enough, I know I can.” I plop down of the sofa and look at the ceiling.
“If he’s smart, he won’t accept another apology from you. Do yourself a favor, Rachelle. Get off the couch and go into your little kitchen and take out a wine glass.”
“I really don’t think a drink right now is what I want,” I say but get up and do what Max is telling me to for some damn reason.
“I don’t want you to talk, just do what I say,” he commands me.
I take a wine glass out of the cabinet. “I have one, now what?”
“Drop it on the floor.”
“Max, that’s...”
“Drop the fucking glass, Rachelle!” he shouts.
I drop the glass and it breaks into pieces. “Okay, I did it. Now what?”
“Do you see how it’s shattered in a way that you can’t put it back together?” he asks.
I look at the pieces. Some are big and could be glued, but other parts are smashed into sharp shards while others are pulverized and couldn’t ever be fixed. “Yes, I see it’s destroyed. And now I guess you want me to clean up the mess, right?”
“No, I want you to tell it you’re sorry,” he says with a much calmer tone to his deep voice.
“I’m sorry?” I ask with a huff.
“Just say it.”
“I’m sorry, wine glass, for breaking you.”
He sighs. “So what happened?”
“What do you mean? It’s got to be cleaned up now.” I shake my head at his ridiculous idea and what the hell it was meant to teach me.
“It’s still broken isn’t it Shell? Saying you’re sorry didn’t fix it, did it?”
His lesson zooms into my brain and I get a knot in my throat. Telling Blake, I’m sorry isn’t going to fix what I’ve done. Too many times I’ve dropped him and this last time was just one too many.
I swallow hard and try not to let the tears that are threatening to fall sound in my voice. “Max, is it too late?”
“What do you think, Shell? How many more times do you think he can take you doing this to him? All I have to say is that you’re on your own. You’ll have to dig deep down and think about what it is you can do to make things up to him and make sure you don’t do this to him anymore. If you can’t find that in you then leave the guy alone. He’s too good a man to be broken by you.” Max takes a deep breath. “And I want you to know this doesn’t mean I don’t care about and love you, Shelly. I do, but you have to stop this thing you’re doing to him.”
“Thanks, Max. I’ll think about everything. I appreciate your honesty. I love you too and I’ll talk to you guys tomorrow. Bye.”
“Bye, Shelly.”
How in the hell am I supposed to fix this?
Blake
Her lips taste sweet as I take them in a deep kiss. Her arms run around me and over my back. She loves the muscles on my back. I love the way her soft skin feels against my back and a chill runs through me as she lightly rakes her nails over it.
I run my tongue over hers and it feels like I’ve died and gone to Heaven. The way her breath is moving in and out of her lungs I can feel as I hold her tight to me. I pull my mouth from hers and kiss her all the way down until I find her ample breast and pull it into my mouth, licking and sucking as she moans with pleasure.
Her pleasure is all I can think about. Making her feel good, no not good, great, fantastic, that’s how I want her to feel. She’s so special and precious and she’s mine. I lie her back on the bed and move my body to cover hers. Her legs run back and forth over the back of mine and she spreads them in an invitation.
I don’t want to give in to her just yet. I want to make her wait a little, feel a little more of just us, skin to skin. Pulling back from her, I look at her and run my hands over her beautiful body.
She looks up at me with those dark blue eyes, shining in the dim light and looking at me like I hung the moon. I would for her if I could. I’d go to Hell and back for this woman.
Only allowing my fingertips to come in contact with her velvety smooth skin, I start at her face. I trace the delicate outline, running the tips over her smooth jaw line then down her neck, dipping them into the hollow at the very bottom of her throat.
Her eyes bore into mine and I have to look away for fear I’ll lose the focus I want to give to her body. Over her collarbone I trail my fingers then to her shoulders. The creamy colored skin begs me to kiss them and I lean over and press my lips to the smooth surface there.
My body is aching to do more, but I hold back what I want to please her, to make her feel special, and loved. My fingers roam down her arms and I briefly intertwine our fingers and I look up to find
her smiling sweetly.
Letting them go, I continue my journey and run my fingers over her tight stomach. Her body quivers and I run my fingers lower. Over her little nub I make a brief stop to tap it a time or two then I move on down, inside her thighs and then down her legs all the way to her toes.
I leave a kiss on the top of each foot and get off the bed, standing beside it and looking down at her. She is perfection from the top of her beautiful head full of long, black hair to the last pink painted pinky toe. She is perfect and extraordinary and she is mine.
Mine to love, mine to cherish, mine to protect, and mine forever and always. She holds her arms out to me and beckons me to come to her. I lean over and take her soft, pink lips with mine and feel like I might cry for some reason.
She’s all I want, all I need, but for some reason my heart is filled with an ache I don’t understand. Moving my body over hers, I press it against hers so I can feel her beneath me. It’s not enough and I take a handful of her hair as I kiss her hard.
My body shakes with emotion. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I can feel her but it’s not enough. Her body arches up to mine, but I can’t seem to get inside her. It’s like my dick is somewhere else.
I grind against her body and kiss her even harder, but I’m left feeling empty. In frustration I yank my mouth off hers and roll off her. Looking up at the ceiling, I can see little white lights glowing in it and they get bigger and bigger until I can see nothing but white, bright light.
I can’t breathe! I can’t see!
Air finally fills my lungs and I sit bolt upright. Blinking my eyes, I find I’m in bed at my house and alone. I look over as I try to catch my breath and see the place next to me is empty.
Then I remember that she’s not here with me in Lubbock. She’s not mine anymore. I tell myself to calm down and lie back. This is only the first night, it will get better, it will get easier.
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