Winter

by Michelle Love

  No!

  The ache and wetness aren’t from what I thought. There’s blood everywhere!

  The baby!

  Part 8 Secrets of Passion

  Alexis

  Cool water I splash with my feet as I sit at the edge of the swimming pool. It’s been a month since I lost the baby. The doctor told us we can start trying again in five more months.

  Max has moved into a depression. There’s a void in him where the happy-go-lucky guy has vanished. The doctor told him to see a therapist about it, but he thinks he’ll get over it on his own. I, on the other hand, have seen no improvements in him.

  I hear the door open and close and footsteps come up behind me. “Lexi, do you want to go shopping?” Max asks me.

  I look back at him and though he’s still devastatingly handsome, there’s a sadness to his emerald eyes. “Shopping? What for?”

  “I don’t know, for whatever we want. I’m bored and restless and think going out and spending some money will help.” He holds his hand out for me to take.

  Reaching up, I let him pull me up. “If you want to spend money I have a much better idea than spending it on ourselves. Let’s go shopping for the kids in your house parent’s home at the children’s home.”

  Max pulls me along with him into the house. “I don’t want to go down there. There’s that baby there and it’ll make me even sadder about our loss.”

  “Okay,” I say as I run my arm around his waist and pull him close to me. “Then let’s buy some dog products, like food and shampoos and stuff like that and take it to the animal shelter. Maybe we can pick up a dog while we’re there. It might help lift your spirits.”

  “I don’t want my spirits lifted. I’d like to be allowed to mourn the loss of my first child, if you don’t mind. I know you don’t seem to be that sad about it, but I am.”

  I stop and look up at him sharply. “Max, I am sad, but I also believe with everything in me, we’ll have a child in the very near future. There’s nothing wrong with me that suggests that we can’t.”

  “We can’t even start trying for five more months. It won’t be anytime soon that we’ll get to see our baby, if we manage to make that happen again.” He frowns, as he’s done so much of for the last month.

  “Have patience and some faith, man.” I start walking again and pull him along with me.

  “Diddly dang, Max, you’re letting this spoil things between us. I use to be enough for you, now it seems if you can’t hurry and add a kid to this equation, it’s no fun anymore.”

  He stops and pulls me back into his strong arms, a place I haven’t been in much lately. His breath is warm on top of my head. “Lexi, I’m sorry. I really am. If I could stop feeling so damned sad believe me, I would.”

  “You need help, Max. We can go see the therapist together.”

  “You just don’t seem to understand, Lex, I had to talk to counselors when I was at the home and it didn’t do any good.”

  I blink a few times and look at him in disbelief. “Max, it did too help you. For the love of Benjamin Franklin, look what you’ve become!”

  “So what? I made some money, no big deal,” he says and lets me out of his embrace and turns away from me. “It’s not because of anything they did for me.”

  “I’m sure it is,” I say and walk in front of him. “Not everyone can do what you’ve done. Now let’s stop talking, go make a donation to the animal shelter then get some ice cream and take a walk in the park.”

  He takes my hand in his and kisses the top of it. “I’m sorry, princess. I’m just so damn impatient to start our family. Maybe we should get married already, maybe that would help?”

  My heart stops and the fear runs through me that I thought was long gone. If this man can get so down, do I have what it takes to live an entire lifetime with him?

  “It’s not a thing we should rush into.”

  “Rush?” he asks as he pulls me into his arms again. “There’s been no rush, baby. Are you second guessing your decision about marrying me? Because I can see it on your face, you’re unsure of us.”

  My heart pounds in my chest as I look everywhere but at him and he takes my chin in his hand and makes me look into his eyes. “I love you, I know I do, but this deep depression is scary.”

  “You’re unsure you can live like this, aren’t you?”

  I nod and see the glimmer of unshed tears fill his eyes and it breaks my heart. “I know I love you and I know we can get through this,” I say.

  “But, you aren’t ready to sign on the dotted line just yet. You need more proof from me that I can get over this. I’ll let you know right now, I’ll never completely get over my mother costing us our first child. The woman has stolen so much from me already. I’ll hate her until the day I die and I’ll miss the child she killed for that long as well.”

  “Hate is not a thing one should cling to,” I say as I run my hand through his shoulder length, dark waves. “Max, you have to let it go. She’s a very sick woman, and it was an accident.”

  “Taking drugs is no accident, Lexi.” His hand runs through my hair then he drags his knuckles across my cheek. “She didn’t fall into a pit of heroin-filled needles. She did that to herself on purpose. It was my money which bought her the drugs and my car she drove to get them. She’ll never see another cent from me and if they ever release her from rehab, she’ll have nowhere to stay in my home.”

  Sadness fills me at the level of hate he has for his own flesh and blood. I am again reminded that if he can cut his own mother out, he’s more than capable of cutting out any children we have with drug or alcohol problems. “You should be aware that someday one or more of our children could have similar issues. It’s considered a genetic problem by many doctors to become addicted to drugs and alcohol, you know.”

  “We’ll raise them right, love. Don’t worry about that. Our kids won’t have the same problems my mother does.” He pulls out of my arms and takes my hand. “I’m through talking. Let’s go spend some money.”

  I allow him to lead me out to the car, but my mind feels numb with all he’s told me.

  Max

  The darkness envelops me as I lie in our bed and stare at the ceiling. Lexi sleeps next to me as soundly as a woman with no regrets or sadness for our loss. How can she not feel bad about losing the baby?

  She has this faith and frankly I don’t understand it. She says things like, ‘it was meant to be’ and ‘who are we to question what happened’. It’s annoying and I simply don’t understand. Maybe she’s secretly happy she lost it as she’s in no hurry to marry me. Maybe she’s fallen out of love with me.

  She still says the words, but she looks at me differently. Disappointment fills her blues eyes at times. Never could I have imagined her looking at me with that in her eyes. Am I really overreacting to what’s happened?

  I can’t help thinking about what the child would’ve been. Was it going to be a boy or girl? What color would its hair have been? How tall would he or she have gotten? Would it have Lexi’s silly way of using random words or would it have been more like me?

  Questions like that pop into my head at all hours of the day and night. To have the joy of finding out we’re having a child to the low depths of losing one within a few hours is not an easy thing to get over. That’s exactly what everyone expects from me, to get over it and move on like it never happened.

  How am I supposed to do that?

  To make matters worse, we have to wait before trying to make another baby. We decided it was best for Lexi not to start taking birth control pills so we could get right back at it after the six month mark was met. So I’ve been using condoms, and it bothers the ever loving shit out me to use them with her.

  That in itself makes no sense to me as I’ve used them for years and it didn’t seem to bother me at all. With Lexi though, it makes me mad. Not at her, but at life in general, and my mother.

  That woman infuriates me. She has the nerve to call my cellphone and want to talk to me. I
ignore the calls, but once Lexi sees that she’s called, she calls her back and talks to her as if she’s done no wrong. As if she didn’t kill our child.

  I find I’m pissed and get out of bed and go for a walk through the halls, something I’ve done a lot of the last two months. We have four more months to wait until we can try again for her to get pregnant. I’ve waited thirty-two years to become a father and now I know I’ll see thirty-three before I see a child of mine be born. If then.

  To have so much money it’s stupid and not have the one thing I crave so badly is infuriating. There’s no magic procedure or pill that can make Lexi’s body healthy enough to get pregnant more quickly. How can science not have come up with something like that yet?

  I hear soft footsteps come up behind me and turn to find Lexi coming to me. She holds her arms out and I open mine and fold my arms around her. “Come back to bed, Max. I’ll rub your back or run my fingers through your hair until you fall asleep.”

  She’s the sweetest thing in the world and she deserves so much better than what she’s had dealt to her. I kiss the top of her head and pick her up into my arms and carry her back to bed. Her head lies on my chest and she runs her fingers over my collar bone. “I’m sorry I woke you up.”

  “When you leave the bed I can feel it, but don’t apologize. I thought a lot about how you’re feeling and I think I haven’t been compassionate enough with you. While I have faith that everything will be fine, I should be there for you more than I have been.”

  I lay her down on the bed and gaze at her. She’s beautiful and I hate that it makes my heart ache so badly at what’s happened to her. Not just losing the baby, but being kidnapped and starved nearly to death, and being beaten by those awful girls when she was in high school. Her plight hasn’t been easy and yet she still has faith. If only I could be more like her. “Thank you for understanding, princess. I love you so much and it hurts not to get to feel you the way I want to.”

  I lie down and put my arm around her, pulling her up to lie on my chest. Her breath is warm on my skin and I find myself becoming aroused. I run my hand over her soft skin and kiss her forehead. She turns her face up to mine and places her soft lips, gently against mine. I kiss her and she moves her body on top of mine. The silkiness of her night gown rubs against my bare chest. I push the thin straps down to free her breasts and feel them move against me. Her kiss deepens, and she tangles her hands in my hair. I swell and begin to ache to be inside her.

  I flip her over, making our lips part. She looks up at me with her sparkling blue eyes and I see the love in them. Pulling her panties off I take my boxers off. “I want to feel you, baby. I swear I’ll pull out before I come, but I have to feel you the real you and not that damn rubber.”

  Her smile lets me know that’s okay with her and I smile back as I move my body up hers and she spreads her legs out for me to enter her. The wet heat of her pussy feels so damned good on my hard as a rock dick and I find myself moaning with the sensation. “It’s been so long,” she groans as she arches up to me.

  “You missed this too, huh?” I say and kiss her collar bone as I pull almost out of her then slowly glide back in, relishing her soft skin along my cock which has been denied the feeling for two long months.

  “Um, hmm…,” she moans and I look to see she’s closed her eyes and is reveling in the pleasure as much as I am.

  I move slowly, wanting this to last forever. Her arms reach out and pull me to her, then her mouth is on my neck, nipping and sucking and making me even harder. My strokes get faster as her mouth excites me. I wrap a section of her long, blonde hair in my fist and pull it to make her stop driving me too quickly towards the finish line. I pull back and look down at her. “You’re getting me too excited.”

  “Isn’t that what I’m supposed to do?” Her hand trails over my abs and sends an electric current through my entire body.

  “I’d like to make this last a little while.” I slow my strokes down as she smiles.

  “Far be it from me to rush you, baby.” She closes her eyes and relaxes as I move in and out of her with deliberate slow, gliding strokes.

  She feels so good and I find myself lost in just how perfect her body conforms to mine as I ease in and out of her hot, wet pussy. A weak pulsing begins as her vagina makes small contractions around my hardened dick and I know she’s about to come and I hope I can make it through this one without letting mine go. Her hips raise, pressing into me as I keep my body off hers, only connecting at our junctures. She writhes and grabs the sheet as her orgasm moves through her, making her pulse around me and it takes all I have not to join her.

  Her breath becomes ragged and I struggle to keep my strokes slow and steady. “Come for me, baby.” I say through gritted teeth. “It feels so fucking good, come on.”

  Her eyes open and she runs her hands up and grabs the back of my neck. “I need you to do it harder, please.”

  “But, I want it to last and if I do that it won’t.” I stay slow and steady and she pulls her mouth up and takes mine, her tongue swirling into my mouth and her hot breath brings something out in me and I let my body fall on hers and kiss her, hungrily.

  I let my body do what it wants as my strokes grow faster and ram into her harder. She groans and comes up to meet each hard stroke. Her fingernails run over my back, making chills run through me.

  I pull my mouth from hers and pull out of her then flip her over and drag her by her hips back to me where I slam into her hard over and over as she screams out with each thrust. “Oh, fuck!”

  She leans down and screams into her pillow as I feel her coming again and she pulses hard around my very hard and ready to explode dick. I lean over her and bite her shoulder, igniting more screams and harder she orgasms. I can’t take it anymore and pull out of her, exploding all over her back. “Shit!” I yell as my dick pulses against her back, spilling my juices on her.

  It was all great until I came without feeling my dick inside her. I look down at the mess on her and feel awful. “Shit, Lexi! I’m sorry!”

  I move quickly to get a towel as she remains still. Running back to her, I wipe it all off. “Maybe a shower is in order,” she says and turns over as I back up once she’s as clean as I can get her.

  “I’m really sorry, that’s so gross. I know it wasn’t comfortable for you.” I take her hand and lead her to the bathroom.

  “Max, stop apologizing. It is fine, I’d just like a shower, no big deal.”

  If it’s no big deal why do I feel like shit?

  Alexis

  The fourth month is finally over and we’re in the home stretch. I find myself more than a little worried we can get through this. Max has stopped touching me. He felt terrible for some odd reason about this mess he made on my back and thinks it’s just better to stop having sex until we can do it the right way.

  I’m more than a little frustrated and I know he is too, though he won’t admit it. He said wearing the condom and pulling out made him more frustrated than having no sex at all. Frankly I can’t see how.

  So I’m taking a walk around the grounds. It’s what I do to stop thinking about sex. It wasn’t that long ago sex wasn’t a thing I missed having. Hell, I waited twenty-six years for it to happen, but once it did, watch out, I became addicted.

  Well, addicted to having it with Max, so that’s not too bad on my part. I’ve put all my weight back on from my ordeal with the Ashley woman. That was a nightmare and so much worse than what I’m going through now, so I should stop being a brat and be thankful I’m still around to not have sex with my way too sexy fiancé.

  It’s so weird how my perception of my body has changed. Once I saw myself in that horrible, skinny state, I knew what a real skeleton looks like with just skin covering it. No longer do I look at myself in the mirror and think I look like a scare crow. So the ordeal fixed me in at least that way, so I’m thankful it gave me something positive.

  Max hates how I look on the bright side of things. He thinks I’m crazy f
or thinking everything that happens to a person is meant to be and teach them something about themselves. Losing the baby taught me things can happen in an instant and there isn’t a dog gone thing anyone can do about it.

  Being sad and upset isn’t bringing that child back. If that kid was meant to be ours, it will be. I’m certain of it. I make my way back to the mansion and see Max standing by the back gate, looking around for me I suppose.

  “Where the hell have you been, Lexi?”

  I laugh as I walk up to him and see the scowl on his handsome face. “Walking, Dad, is that okay with you?”

  “You shouldn’t do that all alone. You could get bit by a rattlesnake or a copperhead or a coral snake,” he lectures as he takes my hand in his and leads me back to the house.

  “Oh my, Max. Are you telling me you have that many snakes around here?” I giggle as I’m finding him a bit over-protective.

  “Just tell me when you’re going to take a walk and I’ll come with you.” He pulls me along into the house. “I need to go pick up my new helicopter and I’d like it if you’d come with me.”

  “Really?” I ask and stop. “But what about my fear of heights?”

  His laugh is deep. “You’ll get over it.”

  The butterflies in my stomach tell me that won’t be as easy as he thinks. “Max, really, I’m scared.”

  “I know,” he says as he pulls on my hand and makes me walk with him through the huge mansion and out the front door.

  I see a car waiting and James is in the driver’s seat. “How about I drive you and you can drive the helicopter home and I’ll drive the car back? That’s a lot better idea. Then James doesn’t have to drive and that’ll be really nice of me, I think. You know, save James the problem of doing it.”

  “Nah, I want you to come with me up in the air,” he says with a smile and opens the back door of the black Cadillac. “Nice try though, Lex.”