Her eyes go wide. “Max! I’m all wet! Diddly dang, did I wet the bed?”
I shake my head. She pulls the blanket back and starts to cry.
What have I done?
Part 12 Secrets of Content
Max
Beeping sounds come from everywhere and the smell of sterile alcohol burns my nose. It’s all over and it’s all my fault. Just one thing. Why can’t just one damn thing go right for us?
I pace in the small waiting room as they stitch Lexi up and the babies are in the neonatal unit of the hospital. They weigh a shocking three pounds and two ounces each. Dark hair covers not only their tiny heads, but their tiny bodies have a thin covering of it as well.
On a good note, Lexi only had a couple of hours of labor pains before they were delivered so she was in great spirits about that. Her spirits went south as soon as she saw how tiny they were and fragile. It took her a while to stop crying and once I got her under control, I had to lie and say I had to go to the bathroom.
I found an unoccupied private bathroom and cried my eyes out. So here I am, trying to be the foundation for this very fragile family and I don’t feel up to it at all. Somehow I have to pull myself together and take the brunt of this, so my wife doesn’t have to.
Our plans of breastfeeding are over. I mean she can pump her milk, but it will be served to them in sterile bottles once they can eat on their own that is. For now they’re wired up to so many damn things they look like little science experiments.
This is not how I wanted their lives to start!
I am beginning to think we have a curse, Lexi and I. I love that woman with all I have. But since we met things have been so crazy and horrible at times.
Horrible at too many times!
Life was never this hard before. Sure I had a hard time finding nice women, but that was primarily because I was seeking already rich women. Other than the relationship mess my life was in, everything else was good, great actually.
Well, I was lonely even though I had beautiful women on my arm and partied like a rock star more often than I should have. Then Lexi came along and at first it was like she was the plainest thing I’d ever laid eyes on. For some reason though something about her pulled me to her. Even as she wore those stupid khaki pants and that white button up shirt with a God damned pocket protector, something about her made me want to be around her.
Then when she got out of those ridiculous clothes and put on that bikini that actually fit her, and let her hair down out of that bun, man it was like lightning flashed through my entire body. Now that I look back and really think about it that could have been a sign for me to stay the hell away from her that she was dangerous for me. She always said that to me and I really never believed her until now.
And now we’re married and have two babies whose lives hang in the balance. Lexi’s and mine have, but how fair is it to put two, tiny angels through what we went through?
It seems impossible, but I actually feel more nervous about them making it through this than I did about myself when I was in the ocean for three days. My heart aches worse than when Lexi was kidnapped. How can that be?
I thought at both of those times, I could never feel more nervous and upset.
It never occurred to me how wrong I was!
My blood runs through their miniscule veins as does hers. Is it too much for them? Is our luck, or lack of it, a part of any being we will create together too much for a body or soul to bear?
I know I sound crazy, but so much has happened. I have to ask myself the question, are Lexi and I really cursed? What kind of horrors will we bring down on our children if we continue on this path? Is our happiness together worth the pain it will cause our children?
Selfishness is in me, but I don’t know if I can be that selfish to keep having kids who pay for what the hell ever we did in a past life to get the shit end of the stick we both got.
My mother was a horrible person, and I was neglected so badly the state made her send me somewhere safe or they’d put me in foster care. Lexi was beaten by a bunch of mean teenage girls when she was just fifteen, just for being nerdy.
The fact I became rich is just a fluke I bet. Even that has proved not to be helpful at the hard times in my life. All the money in the world couldn’t get me out of the ocean. It couldn’t find Lexi and it can’t keep my children alive.
If these babies don’t make it, then things need to be different. Maybe Lexi and I can stay together, but have no more children. Never thought it would end like this, but who am I to question it?
Alexis
Though birds chirp happily outside the window of our bedroom, I am anything but that as I wake up and know my babies are still in the hospital and still their future is not certain.
We went with Max’s idea of names that go together for them, the girl we named Zoey and the boy is Zane. We have, X’s, and they have, Z’s. It’s cute and the nurses who take care of the babies thought so too.
It was supposed to be me and Max taking care of them, not strangers!
It’s been four weeks since I had them. They can’t come home until they each weigh five pounds, which is still unbelievably tiny. Max and I have not been talking a whole lot. When we do, its trivial things. I suppose neither of us wants to talk about the ‘what if’s’ it’s just too hard.
I overheard one of the nurses saying that Zane’s lungs weren’t maturing as fast as Zoey’s. That one sentence made me nearly fall to the ground, it devastated me that ding dang much. Max heard it too, and he left the room for about an hour.
Later, when we went home, I asked him if he was worried about Zane and he told me he was worried about them both, not one any more than the other. He asked me if I thought he and I had a curse.
Maybe we do.
Our misfortunes shouldn’t be ignored. With all the money he has, it didn’t allow us to stay together after we were married. He had to leave only five days after we had our small wedding. I had to finish out the contract for those book covers, or I would’ve gone with him. His job went a month longer than anticipated and I was so lonely. Married to the man I love more than life itself, but I had to sleep alone in this monster-sized home.
It may seem very bratty of me to whine when others have it really bad, but even I get down sometimes. When your husband asks you if you think your relationship is cursed it can do that to a person. Our poor babies, their lives still hang in the balance. What if that is our fault somehow?
What if I was right all along and we are dangerous for each other, and now our children too. The overwhelming love and need I have for Max and he seems to have for me is not something I thought was real. Only in the movies had I ever seen two people need and want and love each other the way he and I do.
Max lost it when I left him. Drank himself into oblivion and nearly died because of it. That’s not normal to do just because a ding dang girl brakes up with you. Again, neither is agreeing to marry a man after a short time who you know you don’t love like that, at all! Then agreeing to have his children.
I still want to kick myself for doing that!
Another thing I’d like to kick myself for is listening to that idiot Ross who told me not to answer Max’s calls and the poor guy’s mother was dying. It’s something he should’ve never forgave me for, but he did and then we ran off and got married.
There’s no accounting for the man’s sanity, nor mine. So what if the babies don’t make it? Then what? Should we break up and try to live life apart?
We’ve gone that route more than a few times. Or should we give up our dreams of having kids and becoming a real family?
Maybe I could get my tubes tied and we could just live life alone, just the two of us.
Tell me why that sounds so lonely!
Max
It’s been five weeks since the babies were born and last night things became worse. Twice Zane stopped breathing and Zoey is having problems with her kidneys. The pediatrician told us these things happen in premature
babies and we can expect them to have some problems in the first part of their lives. I sit in the neonatal unit and stare at the tiny beings who are mine and Lexi’s as they struggle to hold onto their lives.
Odd how even the smallest life has the will to hang on to it!
No knowledge do these babies have as to what life is even about. Suffering, pain, struggles, unfairness at every turn, and then there’s love. The heartache of love that’s lost and sometimes it’s lost forever. And sometimes, like the love Lexi and I have for each other, it can be detrimental to their own children.
If they knew all these things, would they still go through all this to be here? To be our children? I bet not!
Delayed development, both physically and mentally, is what we can expect, if they make it. One would think with each passing day, it gets easier, but it doesn’t. They could have problems with their retinas detaching and Zane can expect to have problems with his penis developing inappropriately, he may have problems urinating and have to have multiple surgeries to correct it.
He’ll love us for that!
If only I had been easier with Lexi that night. I don’t know why I went all out on her. I did this to them all because I had to feel their mother in the way I wanted to. I’m a selfish monster and don’t even deserve to be a father or a husband.
Maybe my father was a jack-ass like I am. Never knowing the man and knowing how my mother was, I just bet he was selfish like me. It seems I never think about what my actions can cause. It’s all about me and what I want, all the damn time. A hell of a lot like my mother was.
If she was selfish and my father was too, what chance did I have of not being that way too? Though neither raised me, it might be coursing through my veins the same way mine and Lexi’s bad luck is coursing through our poor babies.
One might think I can change, but I never even realized that about myself until I put our kids’ lives in danger all over a fuck. I just had to fuck her. The easy making-love stuff just wasn’t enough, I had to go all out and pound her.
It’s me who should be on the machines. It’s me who should have my breath taken away. It’s me who should have my life in danger. The babies don’t deserve to be punished for what I did.
A hand runs over my shoulder and I look up to see Lexi’s sad blue eyes. Tears glisten in them and I feel horrible I did this to her. She smiles, weakly at me. “We have to have faith, Max. We’ve been down long enough, it’s time to get ourselves on the path of believing without a doubt that everything will be okay and we’ll be taking our babies home soon.”
“I don’t know if that’s such a good idea, if something happens…”
Her finger’s touch my lips, stopping my words. “We can’t talk like that anymore. Doubt needs to be put out of our minds. Both of us have been walking around like a couple of zombies and that has to stop.”
“How can you do that to yourself? You’re just going into denial, Lex. It won’t help a thing if we lose one or both of them. And what about if they do make it. There may be surgeries and all kinds of health issues in their futures. I did that to them.”
Lexi’s eyes go wide, and she looks confused. I now realize I haven’t said a word to her about how I’m blaming myself for taking her so roughly the night before she went into labor. There was so much blood we had to get a new bed. Yet every time I said I was sorry, Lexi looked at me in confusion, telling me the doctor had said it’s extremely rare to carry a set of twins to full term. She said it over and over how this was normal.
Her lips part, but she closes her mouth and looks around as we are not alone. In the neonatal unit there are nurses all around us. She takes my hand and makes me get up as she leads me out of the room and down the hall to a private waiting room.
I look around the small room with a coffee machine and a vending machine with all types if snacks and then there’s a coke machine. This is what I can look forward to if these babies make it. Lots and lots of time in the hospital with them. Lots and lots of small waiting rooms I’ll be hanging out in as my children are operated on because I had to go and fuck their mother uber-hard.
Lexi sits and pulls me to sit down next to her on a little, green love seat.
“Now tell me why those words escaped your lips, Max?”
“You noticed that?” I ask, but I know the answer, I’m just stalling because I feel like I’m about to bawl like a big ass baby.
“This isn’t your fault, Max. This is no one’s fault. It just happens sometimes. Have you not noticed there are more babies in there than just ours?”
“Not really, I only see ours, to tell you the truth.” I look away as her eyes are sadder than I think I’ve ever seen them and it makes me sick to know I caused that look on her beautiful face.
“You are going to go see our doctor and you are getting help with your depression this time. I won’t let you sink as low as I know you can go. The reason I came to the conclusion about putting doubt behind us is because I was talking to an eighteen year old girl who just had her baby. She had a girl, and the baby was born with a hole in her heart, and an extra pinky and toe. Her head is misshapen as she was stuck in the birth canal for a good while before the girl’s parents took her to the hospital. They claimed they thought she was faking being in labor.”
“Damn, that’s bad, Lexi,” I say as I think of the pain the poor girl must have been in. “There’s no father in all this. She just had her parents?”
“The guy hauled butt once she told him she was pregnant. The baby was full term, and still things went wrong. You see, it isn’t anyone’s fault. Things just happen. Do you know that young girl is still pushing forward with the best attitude? She told me she has no doubt that baby will make it through everything.”
I shake my head. “Probably because she is so young and obviously clueless.”
“Let’s get a little more clueless. We don’t know the future, we don’t know those babies won’t make it through this and never have another problem. We don’t know a damn thing, Max.” She takes my hand and holds it to her heart.
“But, I feel like I have to think about the future.” I look away and scan the small room again.
“Stop that!” She grabs my chin and makes me look at her. “Stop looking at this room like it’s where you’ll be the rest of your life. You don’t know where you’ll be or how happy or sad you’ll be, but you will be.”
“You never answered me when I asked you if you thought we might be cursed. Has it ever occurred to you that most people don’t have this rough of a life?” I ask as I search her eyes for the truth.
“So what if we are? Are you willing to give this up?” she asks and I don’t know the answer.
“If they die, Lexi, it is something we should think about,” I say and am immediately sorry as she drops my hand, covers her mouth and runs from the little room.
Alexis
Time stands still as my heart breaks into pieces. I thought Max, and I were on the same page about if we have kids great if not great too, but it seems that isn’t the case.
He thinks we have this curse and now, after I’ve really analyzed it all, I feel he’s not a real safe person to count on in life. When hard times hit, he hits rock bottom. I was all about getting him help with the depression he gets when things go south, but now I don’t know if I even want to try to get him to get help with it.
I’m tired of tying my boat up to a dock that’s falling apart. When things are good, Max is fantastic. When things are bad, he’s not anywhere near the person you want to be tied to.
We should be there for each other through this thing and he’s been quiet and aloof. Physically, he holds me as we sleep and tells me he loves me. Mentally, I am on my own.
I made a commitment to him and by having those babies I have made one to them as well. If they survive, I will stay in this marriage as I promised the Lord above I would. If for some awful reason they don’t, then this marriage is over, I think.
Still dabbing at my eyes, I walk out of the s
mall restroom and find Max standing in the hallway. His eyes downcast as he fiddles with the hem of his black T-shirt. His dark waves fall across his face. He never had the chance to cut his hair like he wanted to. He wanted to look like a respectable father and maybe it’s time I started acting like a real wife. The way my mother has been telling me to.
I call her every night to tell her the progress on the twins and she tells me what I need to be doing to keep this marriage and family going.
Have I done anything she’s said so far? That would be a big, fat, no!
I walk up to him and touch his stomach. His tight abs flinch as I touch them. “Come with me, we’re going to see if Cake can fit you in and get you that fatherly haircut you wanted so bad.”
He takes my hand as I extend it and looks up at me with tears running down his tanned cheeks. “I’m sorry I said that, baby. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“You have clinical depression, or so the symptom checker on Web MD said anyway. We’ll get you the help you need to get back on track. First a haircut and then an appointment with the doctor. It’s time I started taking my role in this family.”
Max’s lips turn up a little. “What does that mean?”
I run my arm around his waist as we walk down the long hallway, and his arm goes around my shoulders. “It means, my mother told me it’s the wife’s job to keep things going. When someone gets sick, I need to make sure they get better. When someone is sad, I need to cheer them up. And probably the most important thing that I haven’t been doing is to make sure that my husband is happy.”
“It’s not your fault I’m unhappy, Lex,” he says and I find he’s wiping his tears away with his other hand.
I stop and turn to him, taking a tissue from my purse. Gently I wipe his wet cheeks and dab at his red rimmed eyes. “Even rimmed with red, your emerald eyes are still captivating, my love.” I leave a kiss on his cheek and when his lips curve into a real smile, I kiss them.
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