by Debra Kayn
“Wait, Sarah,” he asked. “Just give me a few minutes.”
“Fine, if you want to stand out there and watch me have my dinner, who am I to stop you?” She moved to the table. “Although you might want to rethink your opinion on who is following whom.”
Even though the food had grown cold, she plopped the burger down on a plate. She put the turkey sandwich in the fridge and sat at the table. She picked up a cold, greasy fry and chewed. If she were alone, she’d spit the disgusting thing out, but she didn’t want to give Reefer the satisfaction of knowing he unsettled her.
“I’m an asshole.” Reefer leaned against the doorframe. He gazed outside the apartment, not even looking in her direction.
Sarah set her hamburger down. She closed her eyes, and her shoulders drooped. She didn’t fool anyone with her aloofness, especially herself. She longed to explain how she felt about Reefer and convince him to stay.
She opened her eyes. He remained in the same position, deep in his own thoughts. She walked over to the open door, slipped her hand into his, and pulled him inside.
He followed her without resistance. His hand clung to hers. She led him to the couch, nudged him to sit, and without any protest from him, she crawled into his lap. His arms came around her, and he tucked her head beneath his chin.
Reefer stroked her hair, and Sarah understood the turmoil he suffered by the way his hand trembled. She closed her eyes. If only he’d realize that she would love him forever…
“I’m sorry, Sarah.” His chest rose and fell. “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing here. I sure didn’t mean to snap at you earlier. I don’t even know why I reacted that way.”
“You’re scared.” She trailed her finger along his arm, fascinated with the amount of hair on him. “I’m scared too.”
“What are we supposed to do?” His voice grew husky. “Any moment my family could get on their bikes and leave town, and you have to know I’d go with them.”
“I know.” She tilted her head. “I’ve known that all along.”
“I can’t start something with you and then leave.” He shook his head. “Hell if I know why. I’ve done it to women lots of times.”
He kissed her. His lips lingered on her forehead. “You’re different, though.”
“What if I told you it doesn’t matter?” Sarah gazed into his eyes. “I know this is hard to believe, but I love you, Reefer.”
He scoffed. “Don’t say that. You don’t even know me.”
“I do. You are everything I have ever wanted in a man. Even your family thinks of you in the highest regard. You’re the end man.” She squeezed his arm.
“What do you know about the end man?” His hand dropped.
She moved her position, but remained on his lap. “I have a patient that knows everything about motorcycle gangs. The morning you stopped and talked to me, I was going to her house. I’m afraid I gushed about you. But, you have to realize I’ve dreamed about being out on the open road since I was young. I’d imagine I had a motorcycle of my own, and I could go anywhere I wanted, when I wanted, and with who I wanted. It’s the way I escaped…”
“Go on, sweetheart.” He linked his fingers with hers and brought her hand up to kiss. “Tell me what you needed to escape.”
Her nose wrinkled. “You’ve met my da, remember?”
“What about your mom?”
“She drank right alongside him. She died from cirrhosis of the liver a few years ago.” Sarah twisted her mouth. “I imagine my da is going to follow in her footsteps soon. He won’t quit for anyone.”
Reefer pulled her back down to his chest. “But why fantasize about becoming a biker?”
“To ride from one place to another with the wind on my face. All the outside noises muffled by the roar of the engine. The roar of the engine thumping in your chest, it’s musical, don’t you think?” Sarah sat up again. “It’s strange, but the comfort I get from the drums at the reservation is the same rush I get when I hear your bike.”
His lips tightened. She smiled.
“It beats in here.” She placed her hand on his chest.
“But, your family…” he reminded her.
She shook her head. “No, it’s only my da, and he’s better off without the reminder that he has a daughter. He drinks more when I’m around.”
“But, you have steady employment—”
“That doesn’t matter. Listen to me, Reefer. There is nothing in my life to tie me to this place.” She placed her hands on his cheeks. “I want to live the life of a biker, to ride away and live one day at a time.”
“Jesus, Sarah…” He set his forehead against hers. “I’m bad news, sweetheart.”
“Don’t talk about yourself that way.” She blinked. “You’re a wonderful person.”
“The only family I have is the other bikers, Sarah. I promised myself when I was sixteen that I would never ever leave them.” Reefer’s breath caught. “I don’t know if it’s fair to take you away from everything you know, away from the only relative you have. Tell me what to do, sweetheart.”
“Take me with you. Let me love you. It’s quite simple.” She wound her arms around his neck and pulled his lips towards her. “Let’s ride the wind together.”
Chapter Eight
Reefer seized Sarah’s mouth and lifted her off the couch in one move. He traced the steps she took moments ago, and only released the kiss to place her on top of the bed.
“Tell me to leave, Sarah. If you don’t, there’s no turning back and I’ll pack your bag myself.” Reefer stood beside the bed.
She nodded. A slow smile came over her face. “What are you waiting for?”
He crawled on top of her, supporting his weight with his arms, and showed her exactly what he thought of her decision. She tasted fresh and new, driving him over the edge. He wanted to sample every part of her body. She responded to him with equal fervor.
His hands roamed, his mouth explored, and Sarah’s hands pulled at the T-shirt along his back. He lifted up to loosen the front of his shirt and gazed down at Sarah.
Her eyelids drooped; her mouth parted and glistened from his kisses. A big bubble of air whooshed out, and he tugged his shirt back down. He saw the total trust in her face, and it set him back on track.
“Damn it.” He rose from the bed.
Sarah sat up. “What? Reefer, I want you.”
“I know you do, sweetheart. Trust me, I want the same thing.” He paced in front of the bed.
“I don’t understand…”
“Damn it, don’t you think I know that?” He stopped and grabbed at his hair. “The thing is…we don’t know all the important things about each other. What happens if you hit the road with me and change your mind?”
She got off the bed, shaking her head in denial. “I won’t.”
“You say that now, but I won’t go through losing you. I can’t go through that again.”
“Again?” Sarah stepped back and sat on the edge of the bed. “Of course, you…you’ve loved someone else. I see.”
“Aw, sweetheart, I’ve had a lot of women, but have never claimed to love them. You’ve swept yourself into my life and caught me by surprise.” He sat beside her on the bed. He gazed down at her feet, unpolished toenails, and a pinky that turned to the side. “Help me out here, Sarah. This is moving way too fast.”
She gathered his hand and placed it in her lap. “I’m scared to death that you’re going to ride off without me.”
“That’s what I do, Sarah.” He reached out and stroked her cheek. “I’m a biker. I wouldn’t be happy staying in one place, no matter how much…”
What was he doing? He’d always stood firm in his decision to keep riding. The gang was his life. They were there for him when he had no one. Sarah placed her hand over his, and he softened. She was willing, and her positive attitude carried over to him. She gave him acceptance he didn’t realize he wanted from a woman.
He’d had close relationships with others, but no one had br
oached the barrier he placed around himself. Until now.
“Take a chance. Just this once.” Sarah leaned over and kissed him lightly on the lips. “We’ll both be good for each other. I know it.
There were other riders who made relationships work. He blinked hard, studying Sarah’s face. Sunflower and Knuckles had everything in life. A family, each other, and they were living their dream. I want what they have…
“Come with me. I’ll figure it all out, just give me some time, okay?” He stood up, trying to escape the fear over what he’d just said. “What do you have to do to walk away from a place like this?”
“Turn in my key. It’s a furnished apartment. The only things I have are my clothes. I have some medical books, equipment, and…” She caught her bottom lip between her teeth and furrowed her brow. “I guess I’ll have to store them somewhere.”
“This is what I’m talking about. You think of storing them, but if you plan on having a lifetime of riding with me, there is no use for them. Ever.” He squatted down in front of her. “Think on it. I’m going back to the motel. I’ll come by tomorrow.”
“Reefer…” She clutched his shirt. “Don’t leave like this. Let me explain why I’d want to keep them somewhere, even if I never use them again.”
He ran his hands down her face, kissed the top of her head, and stepped away. Afraid she had no understanding of what he was asking her to do, he needed to get out of here. If he stayed, he’d only be encouraging her and she needed to make this life-altering decision herself.
“I’ll see you in the morning.” He turned and walked out of the room.
Sarah sat on the bed for a long time after Reefer left. During her excitement and desire to ride with Reefer, she’d never once thought about her job or how she’d earn money. Her bank account only held a few hundred dollars.
The agency she worked for would replace her with another nurse for her patients. She was confident every person she worked with would have their health looked after, but she thought of Ellen. Their relationship had grown past the nurse and patient stage to a genuine friendship, and she’d want to say goodbye.
She’d worked too hard earning her medical equipment and putting herself through school to give it all up. She might never use her nursing tools again, but she’d be foolish to throw away her only way to make an income. Heaven help her if Reefer got tired of her, or she needed to return to the life she led now.
She moved over to the end table beside the bed and picked up the phone. Reefer didn’t have to know she’d stow everything she used for her employment. Her heart drove her forward, but she wasn’t stupid. She realized if anything happened between her and Reefer, she’d hate to have to start over.
“Ellen? It’s me, Sarah.” She smiled. “No, everything is okay. I was wondering if it’s okay if I stop by tonight? I know it’s late, but I need to talk with you.”
She giggled. “Yes, very important news.”
She walked towards the window smiling. “Okay, see you later. Bye.”
She hung up the phone, hurried over to the closet, and grabbed every beach tote and duffel bag she could find. The books buried deep in her closet joined the smock tops and exercise equipment she used in physical therapy. She thought nothing of keeping her things at Ellen’s house, and the knowledge that they remained in her keep in case she ever needed them again gave her the security to ride off with Reefer with no doubts.
The outside light glowed and lit the path up to Ellen’s house. She left all her things in the car and hurried to the door. Although she was off duty, she’d told Ellen earlier that she’d use her house key to get in, that way Ellen didn’t have to try to get to the door. She needed to turn in her key anyway.
“Ellen?”
“In here, Sarah.” Her voice came from the kitchen.
She hurried over and gave Ellen a hug. Her friend sat in the wheelchair at the table going through pictures. Sarah sniffed. Although she wanted to go away with Reefer, saying goodbye to someone that she cared about stung.
“What has you out and about this evening?” Ellen swept the photos into a pile and returned them to a shoebox.
“I have a favor to ask of you, and I’ve come to say goodbye.” She reached over and squeezed Ellen’s hand. “I’m doing this all wrong. I didn’t mean to come in here and blurt it out. Everything is happening so fast. I needed to do this all tonight, because I’m not sure when I’ll be leaving.”
Ellen smiled and nodded. “Okay, slow down. Take a deep breath. For once, I get to direct you on what to do.”
“Oh, Ellen, I’m going to give up my apartment and take to the road.” She threw up her hands and shook her head. “It’s all so exciting, yet inside I’m scared to death. Not scared of going, but it’s such a permanent decision, and I’ve always prided myself in the ability to think rationally. Usually I spend too much time making up my mind.”
“You’ll do just fine. I’ve listened to you for the past year talk about how your dream is to ride the roads. You only have last-minute jitters. Once you hit the pavement, those will all disappear.” Ellen patted her hand.
“Oh, I know they will. Being on his bike calms my soul.” She bit her lip. “I have a favor to ask of you, though.”
“You’ve done so much for me the last year, if there’s anything I can do, just ask away.” Ellen smiled.
“I’ve got a few bags of medical supplies and nursing books from school that I can’t part with. Can I store them here in your garage?” Sarah reached out and rubbed Ellen’s hand. “If not, I’ll understand.”
“Of course you can. Go get your things out of the car. You know where to put them, and then I want you to come back and tell me more about this big adventure you’re planning.” Ellen wheeled herself away from the table. “I also want to know more about this man you’ve hooked up with.”
“Okay, I will. Thank you. I’ll be right back.” Sarah hurried out the front door to her car.
Three trips into the garage later, her things sat safe and out of the way on a shelf in the back of the room. Her shoulders felt lighter now that the weight of what to do with the things she found impossible to give up had found a home.
She might never come back for them, but she trusted Ellen to keep them for her; in all likelihood, she’d probably call her up in the near future anyway and tell her to give them to one of the visiting nurses that would take over Ellen’s care.
She returned to the house and found Ellen in the chair she used in the living room.
“All done, and I locked the garage from the inside.”
“Thank you. Now tell me about this man. This is the end man, right?” She leaned forward.
“Yes, he’s the one. You were right. I performed my run-in at the bar across from their motel.” She giggled. “He about busted a vein when he saw me there, but he followed me back home and saw the light.”
“He feels the same way about you?” she asked.
Sarah nodded. “He’s scared to death. I think he lost someone because they didn’t like the biker life. He’s scared I’ll make the wrong decision.”
“That happens sometimes.” Ellen’s mouth drew down.
The older woman stifled a yawn, and Sarah stood. She hugged Ellen longer than usual. She never had time to make friends her own age, and Ellen, although crippled with multiple sclerosis, filled the spot her own mother vacated on her death.
“I’m going to miss you.” Sarah stepped back. “I’ve memorized your address and will drop a postcard in the mail. You can keep track of me and Reefer and where we travel.”
The woman’s face paled, and her eyes clouded over. Sarah leaned over and placed two fingers over the pulse zone on her wrist.
“Ellen, are you okay? Are you feeling funny anywhere? Your chest? Head?” She glanced at her wristwatch. Ellen’s pulse raced faster than normal.
“No, no, dear. I’m all right, just tired.” Ellen grabbed Sarah’s hand and surprised her by the strength in her grip. “When do you leave?”
<
br /> “I’m not sure. Reefer is picking me up tomorrow.” She tilted her head. She didn’t like the way Ellen’s head shook. Even the therapy sessions didn’t bring on this severe of a reaction.
“Can you convince your man to swing by here before you leave? I’d like to give you something.” She held onto Sarah’s hand.
“Yeah, I’ll ask. I’m sure he’ll do that.” She nodded. “Are you sure you’re feeling all right? I can stay longer if you want me to call the agency and have someone spend the night.”
Ellen squeezed Sarah’s hand one more time. “No, I’m fine. Now, go home and pack a bag with a couple changes of clothes and dream about hitting the road. Just make sure to stop by here on your way out of town, okay?”
Sarah nodded again. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
At the entryway, she turned back to take one more glance at Ellen, who sat with her eyes closed. Sarah smiled softly. Her visit and her excitement had worn off on Ellen, but she knew her friend was happy for her.
Chapter Nine
It was only ten o’clock in the morning and Sarah had already delivered her extra clothes and knickknacks to the recreation hall that served as the apartment complex’s gathering place. She imagined the other tenants would pick through her things until they disappeared.
Unnecessary belongings never played an important part in her life, and gifts from her people were usually in the form of helping each other, or words meant to encourage. She sighed, feeling lighter already. I came into this world with nothing, and I’ll leave this world with memories and fulfilled dreams.
When she came home, she entered a very different apartment than earlier. Only one bag sat on the floor by the door and it contained everything she owned. She removed the key to the front door from her key chain and stared down at her hand. One key remained on the loop. She’d forgotten all about her car.
She smacked the palm of her hand against her forehead. She’d call the reservation and have Bill come by and pick it up. Letting one of the teenaged boys buy her car would benefit her people, and in return, she could donate the money to the rehabilitation services offered by her people. Lord knows they’d tried hard over the years to help her da.