by Tammy Cohen
When the heating is on, it gets so hot and airless up here that it is hard to breathe. But other times, when it is cold outside, there’s a chill that soaks into my bones.
The hatch to the attic is above the landing. There’s one of those ladders you hook down with a pole which we’ve always kept just inside the airing cupboard. When I am coming up here, I always have to make sure I put the pole back in the airing cupboard before pulling the ladder up behind me. When I get down I don’t bother with the ladder at all. I just jump. Then close the hatch with the pole.
With a camera in the hallway, I know when everyone has left the house and it’s safe to come down. I’m always careful. A few pieces of ham. A banana. When I use the shower, I dry my feet thoroughly so I don’t leave footprints on the mat.
I have bottled water up here and boxes of crisps and biscuits. I don’t go hungry.
You didn’t try too hard to find out which friend I was staying with. Too happy to be rid of me, I expect.
But the thing is, it was supposed to be temporary. Just until you had come to your senses and asked me to come back. Which I knew you would. You are not a woman who likes to be alone.
I thought that, once you’d seen how good I was being about everything, you would change your mind. You asked for space, so I gave it to you. I kept going to see the counsellor, even though she says things like, ‘Let’s imagine what a divorce might look like.’ I did all that because I thought you would change your mind and beg me to come home. I thought that maybe, one day, I might even tell you about all this. Tell you about the sleeping bag in the attic, the hours of watching you on my phone.
You would think it was romantic. The things I did for love of you.
But I didn’t know you were fucking someone else.
That changes things. That changes everything.
Chapter Eleven
KATE: Monday evening,
fifteen days after the split
‘You don’t look well at all,’ says Mel.
Though Kate is used to her best friend’s bluntness, it still stings. She feels bad enough already, without knowing that her misery is reflected in her face.
‘Yeah, well. Breaking up is bloody hard to do. Hey, I should write a song about that.’ Kate is trying to sound jokey, but nothing feels funny at the moment.
They are sitting in the living room on opposite ends of the sofa. Mel is peering at her intently and Kate knows she can see right through her. They’ve known each other since they were fifteen and there is nothing she can hide from Mel. Mel was even there the first night she met Jack.
‘I warned you about him,’ Mel says now, as if she has read Kate’s mind.
Kate sighs. It’s true. When they walked into that pub after the gym, she hadn’t even noticed Jack until Mel said, ‘Jesus, could that bloke over there stare any harder, do you think? He’s freaking me out.’
Then she’d looked over, straight into his piercing blue eyes, and it had been like being tasered or something. She’d said that to him once, and he’d laughed and said, ‘My cunning plan worked, then? To shoot an invisible dart into you with an invisible wire attached so you could never get away?’
When she had first started seeing him, he showered her with gifts and flowers and texts. Mel had told her it was over the top, but Kate didn’t agree. She was flattered by him wanting to be with her all the time. ‘He can’t bear to be without me,’ she told Mel proudly. ‘He says I am all he thinks about.’
Who would have thought that would come to feel like a huge boulder tied around her neck?
Mel is stroking Sid. The cat is lying on its back on the sofa in between them with its legs stretched out above its head. He looks so content and comfortable, Kate is almost jealous.
‘I would be okay if I could just sleep,’ Kate says. ‘I try to go to bed early, but I lie there in the dark for hour after hour with my heart racing.’
‘You’re going to make yourself ill,’ says Mel. ‘I can tell you’re not eating properly. You’ve lost a ton of weight, and you didn’t have any to lose. Not like me.’
She looks down at her shirt, which is stretched tight over her stomach, and sighs. Then she leans over and plucks out a fun-sized Mars bar from the open packet on the coffee table.
‘In for a penny,’ she says.
‘I’m going to go away for a couple of weeks,’ Kate says. ‘When the kids break up for Easter. Take them to my parents in Cornwall. Get some sleep. All that sea air.’
‘Good idea,’ says Mel. ‘Clear your head.’
‘I need to,’ says Kate. ‘I still can’t believe I was that stupid.’
Kate is talking about sleeping with Jack on Thursday night.
‘At least tell me the sex was good,’ says Mel.
Kate makes a face like she has swallowed a piece of lemon.
‘I knew it was a mistake as soon as we’d gone to bed, but I was drunk and it seemed like the easiest thing was to go through the motions,’ she says. ‘To be honest, Mel, he made my skin crawl.’
‘Not like gorgeous Tom, then?’ says Mel, smiling, and revealing teeth still stained brown with chocolate.
Kate feels her cheeks grow hot.
‘Let’s change the subject.’
Mel laughs. ‘Spoilsport,’ she says.
Then she grows serious. ‘I’m so happy you’ve finally got away from Jack,’ she says. ‘All these years, I’ve been begging you to leave him. And what a relief that he seems to be taking it so calmly. Do you know, I thought you might never get rid of him?’
Chapter Twelve
JACK: Monday evening,
fifteen days after the split
It is like there is a red veil over my eyes turning everything the colour of blood.
I shut them tight, but now all I can hear is the whooshing of my own blood in my ears and, above that, the echo of Mel’s words.
All these years, I’ve been begging you to leave him.
I thought you might never get rid of him.
I picture Mel’s brown-stained teeth, as she laughed, after you said that thing about me making your skin crawl. Hatred swims through my veins until I am alive with it.
I watch you get up, watch Mel pop an extra chocolate bar in her bag when you are not looking. Watch you walk her to the front door and give her a hug. She is at least six inches shorter than you, so you get a mouthful of frizzy blonde hair.
After she’s gone, you head to the kitchen and play George Michael very loudly. I shouldn’t risk coming out. Not when Ben and Amy are in their bedrooms and I’ll have to go right past their doors. But they’ll both have their headphones in. And if I sit up here much longer I think I might explode.
I open the hatch carefully and listen. Nothing. I lower myself down on to the carpet below. I’ve taken off my shoes and tied them around my neck by their laces so I don’t make a sound. I consider leaving the hatch open. Ben and Amy are so wrapped up in themselves, what are the chances of them looking up and noticing? But in the end, I decide I’m taking enough risks already. I get the stick from the airing cupboard and hook the hatch closed.
I pad downstairs in my socks. I can hear George Michael blasting from the kitchen, but I still wait until I am outside the front door before putting my shoes on.
I know exactly which way Mel will have gone. I know exactly which bus she needs to get to go home. It’s raining, and my hair is plastered to my head, but I don’t care. It feels good to be out of the attic.
But still hatred is pumping through my body, making its way into every cell, every hair follicle. I am pulsing with it.
There is a crowd at the bus stop. It happens. The buses are supposed to come every ten minutes but, usually, it’s more like twenty. I spot Mel straight away. That frizz of hair. Do you remember that Christmas when your boss gave you a hamper of fancy food packed with shredded paper straw? I put a load of it on my head and asked you to guess who I was. You were giggling like mad, though you pretended to tell me off.
And now you’re ta
king her side against me?
Mel never liked me. She was jealous. That was the problem. The sourness came off her in waves, like stale sweat.
She never missed an opportunity to put me down. After she found out I left school at sixteen, she liked to call me your bit of rough. She would spell out long words on the menu if we went out to eat. ‘It’s only a bit of fun,’ you always said. ‘She’s just having a joke with you.’
The crowd at the bus stop surges forward. I peer down the street through the rain, which is now coming down in sheets. The bus is approaching, and already it is clear there are people standing up inside. The people at the bus stop mutter loudly. If the bus is too full already, they won’t all get on. They start pushing, trying to get to the front. I can see Mel standing by the kerb, her hair soaking, determined not to get left behind.
It is all too easy.
As the bus draws near, there is another surge, with people pressing each other to get to the doors. I shove my way through until there is just one person between me and Mel. People are getting angry. Someone shouts at someone else to the side of me. No one notices when I reach my arm around the person in front so that the flat of my hand is against Mel’s back. I give a short, hard push, just as the bus pulls in.
There is a screech of brakes. Somebody screams.
In the confusion, I melt back into the crowd and slip quietly away.
Chapter Thirteen
KATE: Thursday evening,
eighteen days after the split
‘Sit down. Let me get that for you.’
Kate jumps up to snatch the kettle out of Mel’s hand.
Mel doesn’t bother to protest.
‘Thanks,’ she says, shuffling back to her chair, where she drops down with a sigh.
‘They said those would get easier in time, but I still can’t get the hang of them.’ She is pointing to the crutches which lean up against the table in her cosy kitchen.
It is three days after the accident and Mel is trying to put on a brave face, but Kate can see how shaken she still is. They have known each other too long to hide things from each other.
‘You still having flashbacks?’ she asks.
Mel nods. ‘Every time I close my eyes I’m back there at the bus stop. Feeling myself falling. Hearing the screech of the brakes. You know, if that driver had been going any faster, I’d be dead. That’s what the police said. He wouldn’t have been able to stop in time and I’d have gone under the wheels.’
As it was, the bus had almost stopped by the time it hit her. Even so, she was still thrown several feet, landing with her right leg bent underneath her.
‘I’ve been saying for ages that it’s an accident waiting to happen, that bus stop,’ says Kate. ‘The pavement is way too narrow. And when there’s a gap between buses, it gets really crowded. Especially at rush hour.’
‘That’s what the policeman said. He said you couldn’t blame the people behind me because they were also being pushed. There’s going to be an official investigation. To stop it happening to some other poor bugger.’
‘But are you OK? You still don’t seem to be back to your old self.’
‘I’ll live. And what about you, Kate? You haven’t ended up back in bed with Jack again, I hope.’
‘No way. That was a one-off.’
‘And Tom?’
Kate shakes her head. ‘To be honest, Mel, your accident shook me up so much I haven’t wanted to do anything except stay home and cuddle the kids. I’m still not sleeping well. My nerves are on edge. And the bloody squirrels in the roof don’t help much. As soon as I get paid, I’m going to get those sorted out. Do you know, I can’t wait for term to be over so I can get away with Ben and Amy and relax properly.’
She looks at her phone.
‘Shit. I have to go. I’m meeting Jack at the counsellor’s in twenty minutes.’
‘I don’t know why you still bother going to see her. It’s over, isn’t it? What’s the point?’
‘Jack is still Ben and Amy’s dad. It’s important to try to get on with him. And I don’t want to make an enemy of him. You know how he can be. There’s still so much to sort out. Like where he’s going to live. He can’t go on kipping at his mate’s for ever, but he goes crazy if I suggest he rents a room in a flat. I’m scared he’s going to try to force me to sell the house.’
‘He can’t do that. Not if you have custody of the kids.’
‘I wouldn’t put it past him to go for custody himself. He keeps threatening to.’
‘They’d laugh him out of the court room,’ says Mel. ‘He has never been hands-on with them. Not even when they were young. He wouldn’t recognize a nappy if you slapped him around the face with one.’
‘Still, I’ve got to keep on his good side, if I can. For the kids’ sake.’
As she makes her way to Julie’s house, Kate can’t shake off a feeling of dread. What happened to Mel has upset her more than she has let on. What if she had died? The thing is, you never know, do you, when the end might come? It is so important to do the right thing. Make the right choices.
She is late getting to Julie’s and Jack is already there, with a face like thunder. She hasn’t even sat down before he starts. On and on about her having a lover. Why is he so fixated on that? He can’t possibly know about Tom. She has been so careful.
‘You really need to let this go. It is holding you back,’ Julie tells Jack. Her voice is gentle, but Kate feels Jack grow tense on the sofa beside her.
Afterwards, she will wonder what made her speak out. Perhaps it is to do with Mel and doing the right thing while there is still time. Or perhaps she just feels sorry for Jack, who is still her husband, after all.
‘Jack is right. Well, almost right,’ she says to Julie. ‘There was another man who paid me attention, and I was tempted. But I didn’t do it.’
‘Oh,’ says Julie, giving her a cross-eyed stare. ‘So it wasn’t all in Jack’s head?’
‘No. Well, not all of it,’ says Kate, wishing now that she had never said anything. ‘Like I said, nothing happened.’
‘And it’s over now?’
‘Yes,’ says Kate firmly.
To her left, she hears Jack let out a deep breath.
‘You know coming to see me only works if you are willing to be completely honest, Kate,’ says Julie. ‘Otherwise, it’s a waste of all our time.’
It is too much for Kate. The worry about Mel, the fights with Jack and now the counsellor telling her off. She bursts into tears.
‘I’m sorry,’ she says, wiping her eyes with a tissue from the box on the table in front of her. ‘My best friend has been in an accident, so I am very emotional at the moment.’
‘I am so sorry to hear that,’ says Julie.
‘Me, too,’ says Jack. He reaches out and puts his hand on hers. ‘Mel and I might not see eye to eye on things, but I was really shocked when Amy told me what happened.’
After the counselling, Kate is still upset and Jack insists on driving her home.
‘I meant what I said in there,’ he says when they are in the car. ‘I’m glad Mel is OK.’
Kate feels something inside her give way. She has been too hard on Jack. He is still the man she fell in love with. Still soft when it comes to her. When they pull up outside the house, she lets him put his arms around her. She leans her head against his chest.
‘Did you mean it about that bloke?’ he whispers. ‘That it’s over?’
She nods, her cheek brushing against his jumper.
And, just for that moment, it is true.
Chapter Fourteen
JACK: Friday night,
nineteen days after the split
It takes me ages to warm up. After I dropped you off, I had to sit in the car for hours waiting for you all to go to sleep before I could let myself into the house and up to the attic without being seen.
It makes me nervous coming in and out while there are people in the house, especially after you said you aren’t sleeping well. But
I’ve done it so many times that it is easy now I know exactly which stairs are noisiest, which bit of the landing carpet hides the creaking floorboard.
Now, sitting here wearing two hoodies and the sleeping bag, I keep going over and over what happened today. Are you telling the truth? Is there really no more Tom, with his bag of greasy pastries and his too-long hair? Are you coming back to me?
Hope fizzes and pops in my bloodstream.
I look around the attic. Though the walls and ceiling are plastered and the floor is solid, there are cobwebs in the corners and piles of stuff which I have shoved to one end. Suitcases. Boxes of old kids’ toys and clothes. I don’t know how many times I begged you to get rid of them.
‘I’m saving these for when Amy and Ben have kids of their own,’ you always said.
No point trying to tell you that this stuff will seem like it’s from the Dark Ages by then.
I’ve hated being up here. Listening to the noise of bird claws scratching around above my head. Feeling cold, but at the same time suffocating. Yet, now that it looks as if I will soon be moving back downstairs, I find myself feeling almost fond of the place. It has served me well. How many other men in my position have been able to stay so close to their families? Keeping watch on everything they do?
I have a seven-hour shift the day after counselling. Normally, I have my phone on silent while I’m driving, but today I am waiting for you to call me, so I leave the sound on. So I don’t miss it.
You don’t call.
At lunchtime I call in for a sandwich in the usual cafe and send you a text. Thinking about you. It’s short and not too needy. But you don’t reply.
As it’s Friday, it is my evening with Ben and Amy. Your idea is that, eventually, I will have them to stay with me every other weekend. But, until I get a place of my own, I am to take them out every other Friday night. I have pretended to go along with it. But it is never going to happen. See my kids just every other weekend? No way.