He goes silent a moment and his eyes scan my face. “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”
“I have no reason to be afraid of you.”
“Don’t make me give you one sugar, I don’t want to hurt you, I don’t want you in this world, I don’t want you to know me. I am not who you think you know. I don’t want to be in your life. I will leave as soon as Jase passes away and you will never see me again, of that I can promise you. So do me a favour and let me make sure I’m not leaving you in danger, please?”
I stare into his eyes and two things hit me at once. One is that Whiskey is still in there, somewhere, because he didn’t hurt me even though part of me truly believed he wanted to. Two, is that whatever Whiskey is caught up in is now controlling his life and for Jase’s sake, and my own, I’ll give him what he wants. I shove at his chest, and he moves off me, groaning in pain as he gets to his knees. I crawl towards the bed, yanking the laptop down. I quickly type in the password and slide it towards him. His eyes are still on my face, but I don’t meet them.
“I hope you find what you’re looking for, but you’re right, whatever was in the past is certainly not there now.”
I stand and walk out, shoving the urge to save Whiskey into a place that can’t be let back out. I can’t save him. I can’t…can I?
Chapter 10
When I get into Jase’s hospital room, he’s in the bed with tubes coming out of his nose and drips in his hands. My eyes well up and when he opens his eyes and sees me standing pitifully at the door, he gives me a weak smile. I feel so awful for him, while the inner nurse in me knows this wasn’t my fault, that it would have happened eventually anyway, my heart is telling me other things. I can’t get the image of Jase coughing up blood to leave my mind.
“Come here baby,” he whispers, his voice barely recognizable. It’s a hoarse, crackly rasp.
I walk over to the bed and my tears roll down my cheeks. I don’t think I’ve cried so much in my life. Jase tugs my hand and I crawl into the bed with him, I rest my head on the pillow beside his and he turns, coughing a lot, so he can face me. His brown eyes search my face, and I try hard to ignore the bloodshot eyes and the way they are beginning to sink into his face. I don’t want to remember Jase like this. I want to remember the bubbly, lively boy that changed my life.
“Jump Nev, or I’m going to make you,” Jase grins, his brown eyes twinkling.
“It’s too cold,” I cry, edging away from him as he begins stalking closer to me.
We’re at the pool out back of his house, and he’s trying to lure me in the water even though it’s the beginning of winter and it’s far too cold. He keeps trying to convince me that as soon as I’m in, the water will get warm. I just have to make the plunge. Sure Jase, make the plunge. Throw my body into ice cold water only to see if it gets warm after a few minutes. I bet it gets warm because my body turns numb. Well thought out Jase, well thought out.
“You chicken,” Jase teases, making little wings by tucking his hands up under his arms and flapping.
“Shut up Jase, you big bully.”
He grins and his two gorgeous dimples show as he dances closer, still flapping like a chicken. I giggle and shove at his chest, but before I can pull away he lashes out and grips my wrists.
“Jase, don’t you dare.”
“I’m going to Nev, I’m totally going to.”
His eyes are dancing with humor as he edges me towards the poo. I struggle and squeal as he scoops me up into his arms.
“Jase Levanox, I swear to god if you…”
He leaps into the pool. The ice cold water hits me like tiny knives as my skin burns. Damn you Jase, damn you. I come up screaming and shivering, cursing and swearing at him as he roars with laughter, his wet blonde hair sticks to his forehead, making him look utterly gut wrenching.
“I’m going to wring your…”
Jase scoops me into his arms and presses his cold lips all over my face. My screams turn into giggles, how can I not laugh? He just has that effect on me, he’s just so dammed addictive. His laugh, his smile, his beautiful, cheeky nature. He’s everything good that a person can be, all wrapped up in one, gorgeous package.
“You know I want to beat you, but you’re too dammed cute,” I shiver.
“I know, that’s why I get away with throwing you in pools.”
“A-a-asshole.”
He grins and holds me close. “Yeah, well, you love me.”
“Don’t I know it.”
“It’s not your fault,” Jase whispers, snapping me from my thoughts and bringing me crashing back to reality. I turn my eyes towards his, and swallow the lump forming in my throat.
“I shouldn’t have let you do it, Jase…”
“Nev, it would have happened regardless. It could have been me walking into the kitchen that caused the coughing attack, I am dying, I am breaking down. It’s not your fault.”
“Jase, won’t you please do the treatment, I’m not ready to lose you.”
“That’s not what I want, Nev. I’m tired. I can’t deal with this anymore, and I shouldn’t have to.”
“No,” I sob. “You shouldn’t.”
“It was beautiful for me, do you hear me? That moment last night, when I was inside you and we were moving together, I felt for the first time that maybe, just maybe, we shared a moment similar to the moment you and Whiskey shared all those years ago.”
“We did, Jase. That moment was beautiful for me.”
“Mum told me he’s back,” Jase says, letting his eyes scan my face.
I nod, swallowing. “He’s different Jase.”
“Yeah, I expected as much.”
“I think…he’s in trouble.”
Jase nods, closing his eyes. “Are you ok with him being back?”
“He’s…” I contemplate saying what an asshole Whiskey has been, but I can’t do that. I can’t let Jase think there’s tension between us. He doesn’t deserve that. “He’s been great.”
“Did you talk to him…about Amy?”
I feel my eyes widen. “No Jase, and I don’t want to.”
“You have to tell him Nev, he deserves to know. He deserves to visit her grave.”
“Please Jase…”
He nods. “All right, it’s your choice and you’ve respected my choices so I’ll respect yours but I don’t think you should hide if forever.”
“Brother!”
We both turn to see Whiskey standing at the door. I don’t know how much of our conversation he heard, but as far as I can tell, he hasn’t heard any. His eyes are on Jase and me, and for a moment I’m sure I see something flash across his face that isn’t the hard front of the man he’s pretending to be. Jase smiles, a huge, big, beautiful smile when he sees his brother. I kiss Jase’s cheek and slide out of the bed as Whiskey walks over, flicking his eyes to me for a second before turning them back to Jase.
“If you wanted my attention, you didn’t have to go to such extremes,” Whiskey teases, leaning down and lifting Jase into his arms and hugging him.
Jase chuckles. “You know me, I never do things in half measures.”
Whiskey pulls back and grips a chair, scooting it over and spinning it around so he’s sitting on it backwards. He leans over the back of it and stares down at Jase.
“You do realize Nev is in the room, Whiskey?” Jase murmurs.
Whiskey turns to me, and when our eyes meet my heart does a stupid backflip.
“Sugar,” he murmurs.
“Whiskey.”
“Is something wrong?” Jase asks, looking between the two of us.
Think of Jase. This isn’t about you Nevaeh. I plaster a smile onto my face and walk over to the bed, leaning over Whiskey to press my lips to Jase’s.
“Nothing is wrong. You two should catch up. I’m going to head out for a while, I’ll come back and see you later handsome, ok?”
Jase pulls me back down for another kiss and I can’t help but see Whiskey’s expression. His eyebrows knit together and he
doesn’t move his eyes from mine, as though they’re burning into me. I close mine quickly, unable to see how my kissing Jase might affect him. I don’t let Jase get too carried away, I give him a soft kiss and pull back. I place my hand on his bald head and rub.
“Need anything?”
He grins and looks over at Whiskey. “No, you’ve given me everything I asked you to give me, Nevaeh. My brother and you.”
“You asked her to find me?” Whiskey says, it’s not really a question, it’s more like him confirming something he already knows.
“Yeah, she promised she would. She did a good job too, I’ve been looking for years.”
Whiskey looks up at me again, and I can’t quite read the emotions in his face. Is that…disappointment? Did Whiskey think I was looking for him for myself, too?
“Anyway, you two catch up, I’ll be back later.”
“Later baby,” Jase whispers.
“Later sugar.”
I swallow and walk out, right before my legs begin trembling.
~*~*~*~*
I decide to get away from it all, and go to the shops. I ring Tanya and she meets me at a local café. We order some coffees and sit down. She smiles over at me, no doubt wanting to ask how I’m recovering after my little drunken break down. I feel bad for putting that on her and asking her to be there for me when she doesn’t even know the entire story. Poor Tan, she’s always such a good friend and I am just outright awful sometimes.
“How are you feeling?”
I shrug and force a smile. “As good as can be expected.”
“So, you ready to tell me why you went on a drinking rampage?”
I sigh and when the waitress brings me over a coffee, I sip it and enjoy the feeling of the hot liquid sliding down my throat.
“Whiskey,” I say, it’s a simple word but it’s enough.
“Whiskey, Jase’s brother right?”
“Yeah,” I sigh.
“Oh…”
Her eyes widen and she smiles, no doubt intrigued by the story. I can’t say I blame her really, I would want to know too if I was in her position.
“It’s not just Whiskey. It’s Jase too.”
She sympathetically and pats my hand.
“After what happened between us, his mum blamed me and the drama began. Whiskey stayed at my house…he’s been staying at my house since. It’s just all so over the top. All he’s basically done is go over and over how much he doesn’t want me in his life and how he doesn’t, I quote, give a fuck about me anymore.”
“Ouch, babe.”
“Yeah, you could say that.”
“Have you still got feelings for Whiskey?”
I put my head in my hands. “I’ve always loved Jase and Whiskey, and yeah, when we were kids Whiskey did capture me in a deep way that Jase didn’t. But he’s different now, and I’m trying to tell myself that but…”
“You still feel it, don’t you?”
I look up. “I can’t help it, Tan, he just gets to me in a way no one else ever has. He…digs right into my soul.”
“Have you told him?”
I shake my head furiously. “He told me he doesn’t give a fuck about me, of course I haven’t. I am confused. I don’t know what these feelings mean. It’s probably best if I just leave it. It’s not about me anyway, it’s about Jase.”
“Fair enough,” she agrees. “But make sure you don’t hide how you really feel if it’s going to cause you pain.”
“I’ve lived with pain for five years, I can deal with it now.”
“How does Jase feel about it?”
I sigh again. “Can I tell you something Tan? Something I’ve never told anyone but Jase?”
“Of course.”
I look down at my coffee mug. “Whiskey and I had sex when I was eighteen, right before he left. A few weeks later, I found out I was pregnant. I decided to keep the baby, because I just couldn’t get rid of her. I had my daughter just before thirty weeks and she was sick. She died…”
“Oh god,” Tanya gasps. “Oh honey. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I couldn’t,” I cry, feeling my hands tremble. “I couldn’t…”
“You went through that alone, for all these years?”
“Only my dad knew, and I made him swear he’d never tell anyone.”
“Oh sweetie.”
She stands and rushes around the table, sitting beside me and wrapping her arms around me. I tremble as I try to push the flooding memories from my mind of my baby daughter, with her thick black hair and precious little face. I let out a loud, wracking sob and Tanya quickly stands me up, leading me from the café and taking me to her car. When we get inside, she takes my hand and stokes it over and over.
“Oh sweetie, you should have told someone.”
“My daughter, she died. She was…she was…”
“I know, shhh, I know.”
“Whiskey doesn’t know, he doesn’t even know I was pregnant and I think Jase is going to tell him, even though I told him not to.”
“The choice is yours honey, and I think Jase will respect it.”
“He deserves to know,” I sob. “But I don’t know how to tell him.”
“You take your time. You don’t have to tell anyone anything until you’re ready.”
“She was so small, so perfect. What did I do wrong Tan? What did I do?”
“Oh sweetheart, nothing, you know you did nothing. Sometimes it happens and we don’t know why. It wasn’t your fault.”
“Was I too young? Was it punishment? Why would it happen to me? She was…perfect.”
“Of course she was, of course she was.”
“I am breaking apart, I can’t deal with all these emotions. I can’t bear to lose my best friend. I don’t know what I’ll do without him Tanya, I don’t want him to go.”
“Oh honey, I know. I know you don’t. You’re going to be ok. We’re going to be here.”
“Whiskey will leave me again,” I wail. “He’ll leave me and I don’t want him to. I can’t control anything. I can’t.”
“Shhhh.”
“C-c-can you take me somewhere?” I whisper, feeling the desperate need to be somewhere I haven’t been for months.
“Anywhere.”
“Take me to the cemetery.”
We drive in silence, I hiccup and sob the entire way. When we arrive, I shudder. I come once a year, but I know I should come more. She deserves me to come more. I get out of the car and Tanya doesn’t move. I look in at her and she nods, letting me know she’ll wait as long as I need. I walk with shaky legs towards the grave covered in pink flowers. When I get to the head stone, I feel my chest heave as I look down at the words written in beautiful italics.
Amy Jane Levanox – Daughter of Nevaeh and Jarred Levanox.
Taken before you even got a chance to live, but that doesn’t make it any less painful.
Forever in our hearts.
Forever in our souls.
I think about her sweet face, about the way she clutched my hand in those days before she passed. People think that just because you don’t get years with your child to learn to love and grow with them, means that it hurts less if they pass. It doesn’t. You love your child as it grows inside you, you love it when you see that beautiful face for the first time. You love it when you’re watching it fight, age doesn’t matter, the time spent together doesn’t matter. I watched my daughter fight for two months, and then I watched her pass away in my arms. I never even saw her first smile. The pain of that broke a part of me that can never be put back together.
I lower to my knees and run my fingers over the stone. I know Jase is right, I know that Whiskey would be devastated if he knew about Amy. He would be broken. But right now I can’t tell him, because right now it’s not about him. It’s about Jase and his last moments, and they need to be everything he wants and more. He doesn’t need us to make his last days filled with drama and arguing. For now, this just has to stay as the secret I’ve held close for years. Suckin
g in a deep breath, I kiss my fingers and place them on the head stone before standing. I have to suck it up now, for Jase, I have to find my strength.
It’s not about me right now.
Chapter 11
When Tanya drops me home, I see Whiskey’s Harley out the front of my unit. I love how he just assumed he could stay with me. The asshole didn’t even ask. When I get out of the car, I lean down and peer at Tanya. Her blue eyes sparkle with emotion, and I know she feels bad for me. I feel relieved I got it all off my chest, and I’m so truly grateful to her for listening to me break down and simply understanding.
“Thank you, Tan, for everything.”
She smiles up at me. “Anytime honey, I’ll call you later ok?”
I nod, reaching in to squeeze her hand. She smiles at me once more and then I stand up, shutting the door. I watch as Tanya drives away, then I turn and make my way towards the unit. When I open the front door and hear the sound of a female screaming, I know I’ve walked in on something that really won’t go down well. I step into the living room to see a woman leaping off Whiskey’s lap, he’s on the couch, leaning against it, fully clothed except for his…oh god.
Whiskey was having sex. He was having sex on my couch. I want to be angry, but I can’t move my eyes from the hard, long cock standing on alert between Whiskey’s legs. Funnily enough, the only thought I can seem to get into my mind is “At least he’s wearing a condom.” Whiskey meets my gaze when I look up, and with a smirk, he tears the condom off, giving me a glance of not one, not two, not three but four piercings. Men get…those pierced? He yanks his jeans up and stuffs the condom into his pocket. Yuk.
The woman, who is scurrying to find her panties, looks up at me and flushes. Her eyes swing to Whiskey’s and she gasps. “You didn’t tell me you had a girlfriend.”
“Oh, don’t worry,” I drawl. “There’s no way he’d be lucky enough to get into my panties.”
“You should go,” Whiskey says in a slow, sexy tone. He doesn’t move his eyes from me even though he’s talking to her.
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