“I couldna have dreamed up a kiss as wonderful as that. Well done. Now ’tis time for me to take leave of ye both and find camp for the night. Thank ye both for yer kindness.”
He turned to leave, but Baodan spoke to stop him. “’Tis already dark and I doona wish to ride at night again. Why doona ye set camp here with us tonight, and we may take our leave of one another in the morning?”
Alec nodded and went about the business of rolling out his small blanket for sleeping. I knew he had to be relieved not to travel elsewhere after dark, but I suspected that Baodan aasked him to stay for another reason.
If someone else camped with us, Baodan would insist that we share where we lay our heads to sleep. For in the company of others, we had to maintain the façade of being husband and wife.
Chapter 17
We had only one blanket and spread it out over the ground for us both to lay on. Though a warm evening, the wind chilled enough to cause me to shiver despite the nearness of him. I lay with my back against his chest. Neither of us spoke until we heard Alec snoring on the other side of the dwindling fire.
“Come here, lass. Turn into me.”
I hesitated, but as a breeze whipped through the trees, I trembled and rolled over to face him. He removed a pin from his kilt and held a large portion of it over me like a cape. Thank God the kilt had enough fabric to keep him covered for I knew I wouldn’t be able to refrain from taking a looksee if it hadn’t.
I scooted until I was up against him and he could envelope me under part of his kilt. I glanced up at the dark sky to clear my head. The idea that I basically lay inside his clothes with him filled my head with impure thoughts.
Eventually, I let out a breath. With it, I realized how tense I really was. Why? I was in no danger here with him. In fact, I felt more protected than I had in ages. I pulled my eyes down from the sky to look at him. “Why did you do that?”
He reached up with his hand to brush a lock of hair from my face. “Do what, lass?”
“Suggest that he camp here with us.”
“Ye doona think that I did it so that the poor lad wouldna have to find a place to set camp after dark?”
“No.”
“I think ’twas only that I wanted to be near ye. Do ye mind lass? He’s asleep now. If ye wish to sleep on yer own, ye can.”
I opened my hands that were balled against his chest to lay them flat against him so he wouldn’t move. “No, I don’t mind.”
He leaned forward and kissed me on the forehead. “Good. Now,” he scooted away just a tad so that he could look at me more clearly. “’Tis past time that ye tell me what happened back at the castle to upset ye so and caused ye to leave before I returned for ye.”
I grimaced at the thought of it. There’d been enough activity today to distract me from thinking of the unfortunate incident. “Fine, but you have to promise that you’ll take me to Conall Castle. No matter what I tell you, you can’t decide to turn around and head back home.”
He continued to stroke my hair. “Was it really that bad? Please tell me that he dinna hurt ye. He only said something to upset ye, aye?”
I shook my head but spoke quickly to clarify. “No, he didn’t hurt me. I’m fine. I did however, hurt him quite badly.”
His eyes widened in surprise, but he said nothing so that I would continue. “Promise first. Promise that you’ll take me to Conall Castle.”
He nodded but worry filled his face. “Aye, fine lass, I promise, but spit it out.”
I didn’t want to re-hash the whole incident so I spoke quickly, just giving him the highlights. I knew he would need nothing more to get spitfire angry. “He got into the room and tried to buy me. He threw a bag of change down on the table. Although I told him I wasn’t what he thought, he planned to receive what he believed he’d purchased.”
Baodan’s hand stopped on my hair. Even in the moonlight, I could see his face grow pale.
“He didn’t touch me. I tried to take advantage of the situation and convinced him to take his clothes off first. He did and, once he was on top of me, well, I…” I found it difficult to finish. I knew he would rear back in disgust. Although I believed it had been necessary, I could hardly believe I’d done it myself.
“What did ye do, lass? Did ye kill him?”
I sat up, taken aback by his assumption. “What? No! Of course I didn’t kill him.”
He seemed to breathe a sigh of relief but pulled me close to him again and reached up to soothe me once more. “Well, if ye had, there was just cause for ye to do so. If ye dinna kill him, what did ye do?”
“I yanked on his junk so hard he passed out.”
He pulled away and sat up on his elbow so that he could look down on me. “His ‘junk’?”
I tried to gesture with my hands, but it just looked ridiculous. “You know…his balls and his…I don’t know what you call it here, his baby maker.”
A brief moment of silence followed, but he could no longer contain himself, and he erupted into the most ridiculous and inappropriate fit of laughter I ever heard.
I moved from beneath his kilt and sat with my legs crossed in front of him, staring down disapprovingly. “How is that even the littlest bit funny? If it hadn’t worked, he probably would have killed me!”
He reached out to try and grab me in between hoots of laughter but I jerked away, suddenly angry. Eventually, he pulled himself together and sat up in front of me looking guilty.
“I’m sorry, lass, truly.”
“Why were you laughing at that? It’s not funny. It was downright terrifying, and I probably did some serious damage to him.”
“’Tis no funny at all what he tried to do to ye and, believe me, Eoghanan shall no be welcome inside McMillan Castle after I return, brother or no. I only laugh because I havena ever in me life heard of a man’s dobber and bawz referred to as ye did.”
I laughed at his reference to the male anatomy. It sounded no less odd than my own to me, but I tensed suddenly as I registered the name he’d just uttered. “Wait! Did you just say E-o, I mean Eoghanan?”
“Aye, lass. I willna have him in the castle after what he did to ye.”
“But it wasn’t Eoghanan. It was Niall.”
He shifted, uncomfortably. “What did ye just say?
“You heard what I said. Eoghanan showed me nothing but kindness. Niall did it, the disgusting creep.” Baodan looked as if I’d slapped him. “What’s wrong?”
He quieted for a moment, then shook his head somberly while he spoke. “I’m ashamed of meself, lass, for assuming it was Eoghanan. He is many things, but he is no a man who would try to force himself on a lass.”
“And Niall is?”
“I have never known him to use force, but he doesna treat women the way they deserve. While I am no too pleased with Eoghanan either, I feel me assumption to be a betrayal of the man I know he is.” He lay down once more and held the longest part of his kilt out for me again. “Come back here. I am in awe of ye.”
“You’re in awe?” It hardly seemed an appropriate emotion for the current situation. “Why?”
“Aye, I am. I have never heard of a woman denying him. ’Tis why he tried to force himself I’m sure, and ye dinna only deny him, ye gave him no less than he deserved. I am proud of ye.”
“Well…thanks.” I could scarcely stay mad at him for laughing when he’d clearly meant all that he said to be a compliment.
I’d yet to join him back under his kilt, and he waved the edge around like a cape. It looked ridiculous. “Am I forgiven? If so, come and join me here again.”
“For laughing? Aye.” I smiled as he shook his head at my attempt to mimic his accent and moved to snuggle in close to him again. My cheek pressed against his bare chest and his chin rested on the top of my head. “What did Eoghanan do to you? What were you two talking about the day I arrived here?”
He didn’t move away from me, but his chest gave as he let out a large breath. “’Tis no a happy story.”
I reached up to trail my fingertips down his arm in the hopes that it would soothe him. I didn’t wish to anger him, I only wanted to know more about the history between them. “I don’t always need stories to be happy. I have quite a few unhappy ones of my own.”
“I was married once, lass.”
“Once?” So this was the “her” they spoke of.
“Aye and ’tis a long story, lass, and I find meself suddenly sleepy. Perhaps I may tell ye another time.”
His heart beat even more quickly than mine and, despite the sadness in his voice at the memory of whatever he hesitated to tell me, the sexual tension was so palpable, I knew he didn’t really think I would believe him sleepy. “You’re not about to fall asleep and you have all night to tell it, but you don’t have to if you’re not comfortable.”
He kissed the top of my head but held me close. As much for his own comfort as mine.
“It was no for verra long. Something forced me to leave her for a few days to assist a man from the village, and I left her in Eoghanan’s care while I was away. When I returned, I found her dead.”
“How?” The wind seemed suddenly even colder.
“A—a sickness.”
He tried to hide it but I saw how he hesitated. I didn’t know him well and, he was under no obligation to tell me, but I knew there was more to the story than he said. For while it went a ways to explaining Baodan’s feelings toward his brother, it still didn’t make much sense to me. If she really passed of a sickness, how was that Eoghanan’s fault? Chances were, Baodan would have been no more help to her than his brother.
“I’m sorry.” I felt the knot he swallowed and regretted asking the question.
I pulled away so that I could look at his eyes. They were cold and hard, different from how I’d ever seen them. This part of his past he spent every moment trying to bury within him.
“I’m sorry,” I repeated myself, and the words sounded silly and useless. What good were they to him now? But I didn’t know what else to say.
“Doona be. ’Twas many years ago. I only regret I wasna there to save her, for the guilt of that has turned me into someone verra hard.”
“Hard?” I found him anything but. I thought him kind, funny, and gentle.
“Aye. I doona feel like I once did. I doona allow meself to. I enjoy friendship. It causes me hurt when others are in pain, but I doona care about others the way a man should.”
“What does that mean? How should a man care about others? You were kind to me even though you thought me a lunatic when you found me. You offered Alec a place to stay and something to give him purpose. You didn’t have to do that. I think you care more than most. You’re a good man, Baodan.”
“Thank ye, but that is no what I mean. I am no capable of love anymore, of caring for someone enough to allow them to care for me in return. I am hardened irreparably. Only fools allow such hurt into their lives because, in the end, all love is a hurt.”
Not that I could prove him wrong from personal experience, but even I knew what he said to be total bullshit. I didn’t think he even really believed it himself but I didn’t want to argue with him, not when I initiated the conversation. He wouldn’t have told me any of what he thought unless I had asked him.
Instead, I said nothing, snuggling into the warmness of him as I let sleep take me.
* * *
Sometime in the night, Baodan roused me by shaking me lightly on the shoulder and whispering in my ear. “I’m sorry to wake ye, but I canna sleep.”
I stretched and, as I did so, the front of my body pushed into him. I instantly had a pretty good idea of why he woke me. “I told you that you weren’t about to fall asleep.”
He grinned and scooted down on the blanket so that our heads were even. Reaching out with his left hand, he cupped the side of my face and pulled me close. I was wide awake now. His nose touched mine as he stared deep into my eyes. “What was it that ye called them, lass? ‘Balls?’”
I laughed and nodded, the tip of my nose tickling the tip of his. “Yes. Why?”
“If I kiss ye again, will me balls be in danger? I doona wish to meet the same fate as me brother.” He asked it slowly, his eyes teasing me as he brought his lips closer to mine only to pull them away just before they touched.
Slow torture, the tension between us, that made every limb in my body weak and fluttery with the anticipation of imagining his lips claiming mine once more. Our chests rose and fell quickly in a synced rhythm that pained me as if I ran at full speed.
I didn’t answer him. There was no need. Instead I pressed my trembling lips against his and moved slowly against him. He grinned against my mouth, and I nudged his nose as I moved close to trace the center of his upper lip with my tongue.
He groaned and pushed his hips against me. Hard, ready, the solid length of him hurt me in a delicious way as it pressed into the fragile bone protecting my center.
I returned each kiss full force, content to relish in the pleasure of exploring one another until sunrise if he wished it. But as he trailed my face and neck and chest with his lips, I quickly realized that, despite the condition he found himself in, he had no intention of undressing me. He focused all of his attention upward, on kissing me in such a way that each breath I took was not my own but a breath given to me by him as he took claim on my mouth. That in and of itself proved to me just how capable he was of caring.
After his confession, he would think that to sleep with me would make him no better than his brothers. To show respect for me in such a way negated everything that he believed about himself.
For any man incapable of love would not have been so considerate, so selfless.
Chapter 18
We left at sunrise, bidding Alec goodbye before beginning our final leg toward Conall Castle. We’d fallen asleep wrapped in one another’s arms. While I glowed from the make-out session fit to rival the horniest of teenagers, Baodan seemed a little worse for wear.
It wasn’t good for a man to be that ready for that long and do nothing about it. I’d have been happy to help provide him some release, but with his strict and warped perception of himself, it would have tortured him to do more.
He remained quiet all morning, but I didn’t care. I expected he wrestled with what he knew to be true. He did care and, whether I wanted to admit it or not, so did I.
Lost in thought when he nudged me, he pointed out in front at the stone façade in the distance. “We are almost there, lass. Ye will finally be able to see yer Bri.”
I threw my hands up in the air, and he laughed in my ear. “Yay! She’s going to freak out! Do you think she knows I’m coming?”
“I doona know. I would say no, but if the witch could send ye through time, I suppose she could warn Bri of yer arrival, aye?”
“Yes, I’m sure she could. I hope that she hasn’t though. I would like to surprise her.” He slowed Artair and turned him off of our trail. “What are you doing?”
“Do ye mind if we stop just a moment, lass? I need to move me legs a bit.”
* * *
He didn’t want to get to the castle. Once they were there, he would scarcely see her. He would speak with Bri’s supposed twin, Blaire, for a bit and stay the evening but then he would have no reason to stay, and he couldn’t bear the thought of leaving Mitsy.
He tried to tell himself that he only worried for her safety, but he knew he lied to himself. She would be safer with his cousins than she would be in his own home, for his brothers didn’t live with the Conalls.
Last night had him out of sorts with all that he knew about himself. He’d not experienced joy like that he felt at holding her through the night in many years, but it had also been the worst sort of torture.
Every instant his mouth met hers, he yearned to lift her dress so that he could thrust himself deep inside her. He wished to hear her cry out in response to him and for her to clench around him as he came inside her.
It wasn’t that he’d not been with women since the death of
his wife. He found release with many, but it had been different. He’d not given them promises like his brother, not deflowered virgins or bought whores. He found women much like himself who lost loves and didn’t want another. They each sought the same as him, a night of companionship to shut out the loneliness that encompassed their lives.
There should’ve been no reason for him to refrain from lying with her if she allowed it. He told her the truth, just as he had to all the other women, but to then claim her would have been to put her aside with all the rest. He couldn’t bring himself to do that.
He lied to everyone about the true nature of his wife’s death, but when he uttered the lie to Mitsy, his stomach grew ill. She was different. She deserved better, someone who could give her every piece of his soul, not someone who lied to protect himself from speaking of a painful memory.
As much as he wished he could be that person, he didn’t have enough left in him to give. He knew once they got to Conall Castle, whether she decided to stay in this time or return to her own, he would lose her, and he wished to kiss her just once more.
Once Artair stopped, Baodan dismounted quickly, turning to help her down before taking off into the trees. He heard her call out to him, but he didn’t turn around until she caught up to him and reached out to grab his hand.
“Hey, what’s wrong with you? Where are you going so fast?”
He spun and pushed her hard against the trunk of the nearest tree, crushing himself against her. To be near her frightened him more than anything in the world. After this kiss, he wouldn’t allow himself to be so scared ever again.
Her lips were soft, warm, and sweet; everything that he was not. Abruptly she pulled away, and he forced himself to close off the dream of her.
He stepped back and looked down. There were words written in her eyes, something she wished to say but hesitated to do so.
Morna's Legacy: Box Set #1 Page 58