by GEO
A Diary of Bewildering Events
All Rights Reserved © GEO/bubblybee
I never really go to church. I don’t even believe in that God they were saying about. He took both my parents in an accident when I was just so little. I don’t have any siblings so all I have now is my grandmother and she’s even severely sick. I just have a feeling that God would take her away anytime along with everyone I ever loved. He just keeps on taking everyone and breaking my heart apart. He makes me feel like I have to face life on my own—all alone. I just hated that.
Then here’s Kathy, my cousin. She’s the opposite of everything I am. She’s alive, full of hope. She believes in God and even serves Him with her life. But God never took anyone out of her life. She has a very happy family, complete as well with her three cute little brothers. She’ll never feel my loss. She’ll never become as hopeless and helpless as my life was and will always be.
But, she just wouldn’t stop inviting me in her church which I always give a NO as a response. She said I’ll gain back my hope there and that I’ll never have to live my life full of emptiness and grief. I’ll have her. I’ll have her God. But still, I didn’t believe her.
Until one time, she tricked me. She told me we’ll be going out for dinner. “My treat!” she said with conviction. Well, I always love treats so; I let myself in only to find out that I was already invited in their church anniversary celebration. Her treat was only on the registration, not really on the dinner she’s been talking about at the first place. Something inside me wanted to shout “I’m out!” but I couldn’t and I wouldn’t. Respect is a precious virtue grandma always teaches me. I wouldn’t want to throw it away just because she’s lying down in a hospital bed. So I stayed, but I didn’t listen.
Many sessions came after that. They just wouldn’t quit bothering me. Kathy’s church troops would just sprout out like mushrooms between our dine-out meals or she’d suddenly visit me at home with them and just talk about their God. They just have a lot of those spiritual praises, singing and words that seemed like noise in my ears. Still, I let them do whatever they want to do but I never listened.
There’s just this time, while I was busy preparing their snacks in the kitchen when someone from the group approached me and offered a hand. Finding no harm to that—not to mention his face doesn’t look so harmful to me—I accepted the offer.
He’s Mayson. I recognize his name since they’ve already introduced themselves to me during their anniversary but that was the only time I heard him say a word because he’s just so quiet all the time. He’s the most silent, less breathing mammal in the circle. I would usually spot him just listening and not uttering any word. That’s why it surprised me to find him talking to me.
He talked a lot like he was a different person from that boy when we’re together with the group. Then, he talked about family which stopped me from doing whatever I’m doing and listened to what he got to say. For the first time, I listened. Well, maybe because family is just a different story.
He told me how tragic his life was. That he father left him, his big brother and pregnant mother for another woman. That he lost his brother because of drowning and his mother after delivering his baby sister. That leaves him alone with her which didn’t last long as well. His sister suffered from something called SIDS or Sudden Infant Death Syndrome causing the only person he got to die after 3 months. Then he was just all alone.
We’re exactly the same—grieved by losing people that we love and we care about—but what he said next made a difference. “Every day, I would ask God why He has to take them away from me but I get no response every time. Not a single word or a small whisper. Then, while I was fighting against death for my sister, I remembered how I fought for them until their very last breath. How I never lost hope that they’ll survive even at the last minute. I never stopped fighting for them because I know in my heart that they never stopped fighting just to live—to be with me. Maybe that’s God’s response to me. He can’t keep them from dying but He gave me a heart that never went out of hope. He made me strong and not everyone can be like that. Some just can’t handle the pain. They either destroy their lives or put an end to it. But I can. I did. I lived my life like they’re alive because you know what, if they were then I’ll just be as strong and hopeful as today. Nothing changes. Now, I have a feeling that God didn’t make me experience that loss for nothing. I feel like it was there for a reason; that I needed to be alone to make someone less alone.” He pause then chuckled. “Trust me, God gives hope in bundles. You’ll never know how much you can carry.”
His words meant so much to me. I didn’t know how generous that God was. All I thought about was the loss and how much I was grieved by it. I started to crave for God and for that hope bundles He’s been giving for free. It wasn’t so easy in the beginning. There are still some moments I would object and listen with close ears. Sometimes, I’m bombarded by questions that test my faith, whether I’ll still believe or not. I struggled more every day but, I struggled with God.
Until one day, my heart just opened and I understood life more. I felt the closeness between me and God; a new relationship with Him—an everlasting one. I became close to Mayson, too. He was always my companion through my ups and downs. He never left me while I’m struggling for my faith. I felt happy and more alive with him. And for an instant, I realized I’m already falling for him. It wasn’t good news most especially when I knew he was feeling the same.
My grandmother would disapprove. She doesn’t want me to be engaged in any relationship while I’m still studying and I wouldn’t want to worsen her condition by disobeying her. So, I didn’t listen to my heart but I didn’t do anything to lose Mayson as well. We’re still good, no, scratch that. We’re great friends and we still make each other feel loved even if we’re outside the wall of relationship.
One day, he escorted me to the hospital to visit my grandmother. He didn’t go in because he can’t. He just stayed at the corner like he always does and watched me there while walking towards grandma’s room. I waved at him then went in.
When I was already inside the room, I immediately hugged grandma and kissed her in the forehead. We talked a lot and laughed more. I can’t imagine how lively our conversation was now than before where I would always enter her room crying and fearing that anytime she might be gone. Now it’s different. I’m already a better-changer person.
“How’s Mayson?” I almost choked when I heard her say Mayson’s name. I didn’t know what to say. Did she see him from one of my visitations? But she wouldn’t know his name only through that. Was it Kathy? Did she tell grandma about us? Oh! I have a feeling this won’t be good.
“Who—who’s Mayson grandma?” I asked with shaking voice pretending I don’t know Mayson.
“Oh. It’s surprising you still don’t know him. I thought you’re already good friends now that you’re joining Kathy’s church.” It must really be Kathy who told her, I thought.
“Oh yeah, Mayson. I forgot he’s my church mate.” I got to say a bunch of sorry to Mayson after this.
“But he’s not just a church mate to you Iris.” Grandma looked at me seriously. Maybe she already knows everything and it also bugs my conscience not telling her the truth so I have to be honest to her now.
“I’m so—”
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“Mayson’s your guardian angel.” I didn’t continue what I’m supposed to say because of what she said.
“Wha-what do you mean by that grandma?” I don’t understand her. I know Mayson had really been my guardian angel during my struggles but I have a feeling grandma meant something different when she said that.
“Mayson is already an orphan. His father left them and his mother died together with his two siblings. He has nowhere to run to so the day I saw him sitting beside the street looking like a rag, I decided to took him in.”
“But if you took him in, how come I never saw him before?”
“That’s because I built a home for him. He said he wanted to be independent so he could be stronger, tougher. I admire him for that. Being so little yet having so much courage. Oh, by the way, he’s also only four like you that time. I also sent him to school; the same school where you go to. Then one day, he went into our house asking how he can repay me for my kindness even though I didn’t ask for it—”
“He went to our house? Then I should have seen him right?”
Grandma took my hand. “Yes, you should have seen him and you could have been good playmates but you’re too sick that time you can hardly stand on your toes. But because of you I got an idea what to make Mayson do. He’s too young and too thin to earn a living just to pay me so what I told him is this ‘Watch over my angel and your debt will be paid in