As they approach the yurt, the strong smell of coffee meets their noses. They enter to find FeeTwix in an apron with a box of cereal across the front that reads, ‘Cereal Killer.’ He points to a tray of pastries now sitting on a foldable table and a French Press filled with boiling hot coffee.
“Breakfast is served!”
“Where did you get the pastries?” Zaena asks as a small croissant floats into the air.
“Just something I keep in my list,” he says.
“And they stay fresh?” asks Ryuk.
“You tell me.”
Zaena takes a bite and nods. “This is so good!” she says with her mouth full.
“For fick’s sake, people, it’s not even the Hour of the fickin’ Faun.” The goblin stirs and once he’s able, he slips into his Japanese clogs.
“Wow, Hiccup!” FeeTwix moves over to him. “I didn’t even see those sweet shoes, buddy! Why in the hell are you wearing those?”
“They help with my posture, Twixy!” Hiccup turns and gives the Swede a side view. “They’re supposed to help me get taller too. Anyfick, gotta take a piss and we’ll see what else comes up. Ha! Back in a jiffy, fickers. One more thing, if you’re making breakfast, Twixy, try to boil me up any of the parts you can find from the big ass bird we killed last night. There’s got to be some organ meat left over. That’s good eating!”
With that, the goblin clomps out of the yurt, and for once, doesn’t do so with a parting poot.
(0)__(0)
It takes a little over two hours for the four Mitherfickers to reach the place they left Oric, Enway, and Wolf. The walk over is nice, even with Hiccup and Liz arguing this time about Dirty Dave’s innocence, the best way to skin a cat, discrimination in the goblin community, the uppityness of Thuleans, and a bunch of other topics that Ryuk tunes out.
“Finally,” Hiccup says as they see Wolf in the distance.
“He’s actually waving his tail this time,” FeeTwix comments as the big black canine comes towards them. “I don’t know what has come over him, but somehow, I think it has to do with food.”
Wolf merrily leads them along the path and Ryuk quickly sees why. Up ahead, Enway stands before a fire, grilling a Chiup hog on a rotisserie.
“Get in my belly!” Hiccup licks his lips and practically joins Wolf in the mad dash back to the side of the grill. “Gimme, gimme, gimme,” he says to Enway.
The elf laughs and pats him on his head. “Soon, Hiccup, and you can thank DD’s BBQ for setting this up. Funniest thing happened,” she says as she tilts her head to the right. “I was sitting in my living room minding Yangu ... ”
“Snowballs,” Hiccup corrects her. “The name ‘Yangu’ means nothing to me.”
“... And I heard a knock at the door. The manager from DD’s BBQ was there with a whole crew, telling me that someone had booked the rotisserie and a hog for our breakfast meeting. They even carried it up here! Talk about getting hooked up!”
Enway turns and Ryuk spots Yangu in her backpack. The baby dragon locks eyes with him and yawns.
The goblin pumps his mechanical arm in the air. “Shit, fickers, we got a mysterious sponsor!”
“It may have been one of my fans,” FeeTwix says as a mirror takes shape in his hand. “If you’re the person who oh-so-generously hooked us up, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.” He bows at the mirror.
“Fick them,” Hiccup says, inching closer to the spinning hunk of pork, “it was probably Dirty Dave. I had a feeling he’s a fan. See, Lizzy, I keep telling you he’s a high-quality guy.”
“It’s not ready yet,” Enway tells him.
“I like my pork rare!”
Oric Rune leans against the rockface, his long brown hair covering the side of his face. He smiles at the bunch and takes a few hobbling steps towards them. “Were you able to get it?” he coughs.
“We certainly were,” Zaena says. Once she’s pulled it out of her list, she places the lily pads on a flat rock.
“Keep an eye on the pig,” Enway tells FeeTwix, who immediately gets the double-meaning of her statement. The Swede looks from Wolf to the goblin as a flyswatter materializes in his hand.
“Hands off, Hiccup!” He swats away Hiccup’s mechanical fingers, allowing Enway to move over to the lily pads.
Enway takes off her bag and hands it to Ryuk. Yangu coos as his red eyes spot his master. “Do you mind holding him for a moment?”
“Sure.” Ryuk steps away from the group, not sure of how he should be interacting with the baby ice dragon. He’s never been around babies, human or animal, and he’s anxious for the dragon to grow larger and start to communicate with him.
But just staring into the dragon’s deep red eyes softens his heart. The creature makes a soft sound with its throat, parts its lips, and blows a curl of icy cold air at Ryuk.
“You’re not too bad, you know that?” He pats the dragon on the head and smiles. “I have a feeling you aren’t going to be so cute when you get older, though.”
Zaena joins him. “He won’t be cuter, but he will be fiercer,” she says. “He will also be large enough for us to ride, which will give us great mobility. And he can aid us in battle, if it ever comes to that.”
“That reminds me …” Ryuk puts the backpack on, signals for Zaena to follow him, and moves back over to Oric. “Since you are from Unigaea,” he tells the muscular warrior, “I was wondering if you could look at her necklace and possibly tell us what it means.”
Oric’s eyes go wide as soon as he sees Zaena pull the necklace out from her armor. “I’ll help you in any way I can,” he says suddenly, his face white.
“You recognize it?” She removes the necklace with her ghost limbs and lifts it up into the air and over to Oric.
He holds it in his palm for a moment, closes his eyes and sighs deeply. “Another time,” he mumbles, “another place.” He dangles it in the air and she takes it back. “I have one just like it, but its powers don’t work here in Tritania. It used to modify speed, now it just looks pretty.”
A matching necklace appears in his trembling hand.
“It looks almost the exact same,” Ryuk says as he comes forward to examine it.
“Both were made by Olivas, a famous poet and jewelry smith from Unigaea, my world.” Sadness paints across his face. “Ah, but that was then, and Tritania is a great world too, if one isn’t sick.” He hands Zaena’s necklace back to her. “My offer still stands – I’ll help you in any way I can.”
“Not anytime soon you won’t.” Enway has begun laying out the lily pads to dry them. “Emil’s Sickness will take at least a day, if not more, to go away.”
“I can make the medicine myself,” he tells her. “I used to be an herbalist.”
“I used to be a fickin’ male model,” Hiccup calls over, “but you don’t hear me rattling off about my glory days.”
“Ignore him,” Zaena says, her eyes suddenly orange slits.
“You can hardly stand,” Enway tells Oric as she flattens out another lily pad. “Like I said, it’ll take up to two days for the medicine to completely heal you. Until that time, you should rest. Emil’s Sickness poisons the blood, which in your case directly affects your D-NAS. It prevents a player from ever regaining their stamina.”
“So he has an STD.” Hiccup laughs and gives FeeTwix a conspiratorial look. “Big fickin’ whoop. Shit, if we goblins gave up after getting an STD, we’d never get anything done!”
Oric glances from Ryuk to the goblin. Ryuk gives him the face the whole family makes when grandpa is drunk again.
“It’s not an STD,” Enway says, “but he did come into contact with something, likely in these mountains. It could have been something he ate. Did you eat anything odd?”
Oric glances over to his big wolf. “We eat whatever we can find.”
“I realize that, but anything out of the ordinary?”
He thinks for a moment. “We recently ate seagull.”
Hiccup snorts. “Macho Man over here can’
t even afford to go down to DD’s BBQ and get himself some choice bits!” He looks to FeeTwix for support. “Can you believe this ficker?”
Wolf approaches Hiccup and the goblin suddenly shuts up. The towering canine paces around to the other side of the hog and licks his lips, in an action that could be interpreted as being either directed at Hiccup or meant for the pig.
“A seagull up here?” Enway asks.
“We thought it was odd, too,” says Oric, “but it was a fat seagull and we were hungry. So, two days, right? And you’re certain it can’t be any sooner?”
“I wouldn’t go anywhere if I were you. You need rest, Oric.”
He presses his back to the rock wall and slides down to the ground. “Then Wolf can go with you.”
“Your wolf?” Ryuk asks.
“His full name is Wolf Ruffian. He can be helpful, and I’m sure he’ll help you in the catacombs. Enway here told me about your trip to Porthos, and I don’t know exactly what you are up to, but I would at least like to offer you something. And as I stated earlier, I would like to join you when I am well.”
“Sounds good,” says Ryuk. FeeTwix and Zaena nod in agreement.
Hiccup glances from the rotating hog, to Oric, to Ryuk, to FeeTwix, and back to Ryuk. “Nope. No way I’m adding dog-sitting to my resume. And besides that, this fickin’ mutt won’t be let into the city limits of Porthos. Hell, we’re stretching it just by bringing Liz in.” He points his brass finger at Ryuk. “Marbles, you and I, we go way back, but trust me on this one, the pup stays.”
“He wouldn’t be going with you all the way to Porthos, just escorting you through the catacombs,” Oric says firmly.
“He’d be more helpful than you, goblin.”
“Fick me to the moon and back, Liz, how many times do I have to tell you … ” Hiccup takes a deep breath, turns away from the Thulean, and scratches the back of his head with his middle finger.
“Of course we’ll let Wolf come with us!” FeeTwix announces as his eyes flash blue. “I only have a few seconds here so I’ll make this quick: views are surging at the moment, and adding a wolf and an elf to our group will surely, surely give my viewers something they’ve never seen before! I swear we’ll end up on an episode of Flight Feet if we keep this up!”
His eyes flash black again.
“Hello, everybody! I talked to the gang – by the way, Hiccup says ‘hi’ to all you Fickers – and we’ve all agreed to allow the big bad wolf from Unigaea to accompany us! Now that I have your attention, have you ever found yourself in need of some epically good choons? Well, look no further!”
Oric raises an eyebrow as FeeTwix launches into his spiel.
“DJ Ride the Lightning is teaming up with the holo-Beatles to bring you a Proxima concert the likes of which you have never experienced before! The Proxima Company has actually built a custom world with a concert venue that can hold up to thirty million avatars. Tickets are on two-fer if you mention #FeeTwixRox at checkout or purchase redemption codes at any 7-11 or McStarbucks in the world. They’ll take any currency, in-game, crypto, or actual money, and the only stipulation is you won’t be able to bring or equip weapons. I’ll be there, the rest of the Mitherfickers too!”
“What the fick did he just say?” Hiccup asks.
“That’s right! The Mitherfickers will be there on the Tritania platform!” FeeTwix brings his mirror back and forth from his face. “Hopefully I’ll see you guys tonight!”
His eyes flash blue and he speaks twice as fast as he normally does.
“Sorry, guys, there’s a concert we kind of have to go to tonight. I knew I was forgetting to tell you something! It’ll be a quick appearance, don’t worry. We can head through the catacombs, and once we reach the exit point, we can head to the concert. It’ll only take thirty minutes to an hour, then it’s back to the quest!”
“A concert on another world?” Zaena asks. “Is it possible?”
FeeTwix laughs. “Of course it’s possible, babe, the Proxima Company has already provided me with a port. It’s kind of like your Sotlian Spa Ring – we’ll go there, and come immediately back.”
“Will there be girls?” Hiccup asks.
Wolf barks and wags his tail at Hiccup.
“We’re not bringing you, pooch, but I like your thinking. If there are girls, there’s room for a goblin!”
“So many ladies, Hiccup,” FeeTwix says, “and I’m sure the Fickers will be there as well! What do you think, Ryuk? Can we carve out a little time tonight for a quick gala?”
Ryuk glances at Oric, who has a look on his chiseled face that screams ‘I don’t do galas,’ to Zaena, who is nodding in excitement. “Sure, let’s do it, after we get through the catacombs. And Wolf is welcome to join us in the catacombs. We’ll need all the help we can get.”
Skill level up!
Skill: Inspire Others
Level Three: By inspiring others, you induce them to follow your orders. Higher levels allow for manipulation of enemies and random strangers.
Requirements: LUCK > 10
Ryuk ignores the prompt for a moment as Oric says, “Good, I’ll be better in two days. I expect you four to come back here.”
“We will,” Ryuk assures him, “I have to get Yangu.”
“And me,” Enway says proudly. “I want to join the Mitherfickers.”
“Bandwagon fickgirl!” Hiccup coughs into his hand.
“Two days should be plenty of time for you to perform your extreme vetting,” she teases Hiccup. “I have nothing to hide.”
“You just want to join us so you can come to the concert tonight, admit it, Elfy!”
She rolls her eyes. “I’m already going to the concert tonight.” She produces a single ticket. “Need any more proof?”
“Then you just want to come to the fickin’ VIP section. I know your type.”
“Enough,” Ryuk cuts the goblin off. “Please eat for the second time this morning and then get to the entrance of the catacombs. I’ll need to log out for a bit, maybe an hour and a half. We can hit the catacombs after that.”
“Why’s that?” FeeTwix asks.
“I have to meet my mother.”
Chapter 17: The Empress Speaks
Kodai stands in the shadows of a monument to the Sage of Gotha. Jutting off from one of the branches of the tree monument is a cherub holding a book with Cyrillic scrawled across it. Kodai has no idea what it means, or who the figure is, and he really doesn’t give a shit.
His eyes are trained on the procession about to take place.
Hundreds of people have gathered in a small square on the side of Valhalla closer to downtown Porthos. Security is tight, and the Empress’ guards, known as the Knights in White Satin because of their white capes, stand at every corner with broadswords and stern looks on their faces.
Those gathered range from big half-orcs with pig faces to well-dressed maidens with golden locks. There are elves, dwarves, elven dwarves, commoners, NPCs, RPCs, goblins, and even a few Thuleans who occupy the upper right quadrant of the crowd and sit in nicely carved chairs on a raised platform.
The doors of an expansive balcony open up and the crowd grows quiet.
Two attendants come out with two baby griffins perched on white pillows. The attendants wear white robes with a thick black line down the middle. This black line extends onto their faces via a four-inch-wide strip of black paint. The sides of their heads have been shaved, and they wear dangly earrings shaped like crescent moons.
The attendants place the pillows on raised columns and the griffins stay put, oblivious to the crowd below. Next out of the doors are two male Thuleans in equally impressive white robes. They don’t have the black stripe painted on their faces, but they do have purple ponytails and sharp widow’s peaks.
Kodai smirks at the symmetry of it all. He does appreciate things like that, and order and balance is important, but all of the pageantry is utter bullshit.
His hood over his head, he steps out of the shadow of the tree statue a
nd makes his way to the back of the crowd. He sees Tamana and Tomas on his left, the two mages on his right. Each has fanned out and blended in to the crowd.
A flash catches his eyes and he looks to the balcony to see four attendants completely in head-to-toe gold. The only part of their bodies not covered in gold are the two circles around their eyes, which are white.
The four step up to the balcony, open their mouths, and their tongues spill out.
People in the crowd gasp and murmur as their four tongues elongate. The attendants’ tongues start to expand in size, keeping their thinness. It doesn’t take them long to form a large, golden curtain descending from the balcony all the way down. The four get on their knees and bend forward to rest their chins on the balcony.
Kodai pushes further into the crowd.
He takes a place directly in front of where he assumes the Empress will emerge. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees the Shinigami get into place, their handles flashing over their heads.
Now, we wait, he thinks as a grin spreads across his face.
Trumpets sound as six men exit the balcony’s double doors.
They carry a vantablack palanquin with beaded tassels hanging from its bottom, and each bearer wears a sleek set of charcoal robes that match their black face paint. A four-inch strip of white down the middle of their faces is the only contrast with the black.
They turn, lower the palanquin, and after a moment of abject silence from all in attendance, Empress Thun steps out.
Interesting, Kodai thinks, watching the woman walk up to a crystal dais that wasn’t there just moments ago.
In contrast with her dark skin, white dots are painted above her eyebrows. Her eyelashes are long and white, and her lipstick is a soft shade of gray. The Empress wears an open-fronted gray robe with a V that dips all the way down to her waist and is tied off with a long, gray sash.
She raises her hand, and all in attendance bow their heads. Once they’ve done so, she begins speaking. “As many of you witnessed,” she says, her voice amplified by magic, “there was an attack yesterday in Porthos.”
Fantasy Online Polynya Page 17