And then I did it again.
THE NEXT DAY, MY THROAT felt like it had been ripped to shreds and washed down with a vial of acid. An explosion of sneezes rapid fired from me as I curled into the fetal position on my bed with my comforter swaddled around me as if to protect me from Sophia’s touch.
She wouldn’t leave, and I was in no shape to get away from her.
“What I don’t understand, Phillip,” Sophia said, tugging the blanket down to uncover part of my face before continuing on, “is why you didn’t just call someone to get you.”
Because I didn’t want to see anyone. Because my heart was broken in a million pieces and I wanted to be alone. It had taken me the entire walk back to the resort to reclaim a small enough piece of my former self to make it past the guests and let myself into my room.
I yanked the material from her and rolled to my other side, hoping she’d just give up and go away if I was rude enough to her. The mattress dipped beside me as she patted my shoulder through my cocoon. “None of that matters now. I’m here to take care of you.”
Tucking my chin into my chest, a sudden wave of chills rolled through me as I grumbled to myself, “Oh, God, just kill me now.”
“What?” Sophia asked, shifting closer. Brushing her hip against my back, she jerked on my arm as if I’d respond to it.
I curled even tighter into myself.
“Really, Phillip. You’re acting as if you’re dying instead of having a simple cold,” she huffed, getting to her feet. “And we have a lot of important things to talk about, so if you could just…” she said as she grabbed the corner of the comforter and neatly rolled me out of bed onto the floor.
I came up sputtering, clutching the covers to me since I’d climbed into bed in just my underwear.
Sophia’s perfectly manicured eyebrows disappeared under her glossy bangs. “Well, well. Look what I’ve unwrapped!” she said, giggling as she landed on my lap, straddling my legs. “I know just how I could make you feel all better.”
I dove to the side, dumping her off my lap, and scrambled my way across the mattress in a hasty retreat to the safety of the other side of the room. Her shrieks stabbed at my eardrums as she got up from the floor.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” she demanded.
I clutched the covers tighter against me and told her, “I want you to leave. Right now.”
“You have the nerve to tell me to leave after you just tossed me on the floor?” she hissed, approaching me with her hands out as if she wanted to use her nails to tear me to shreds.
“Yes, I do have the nerve. I don’t feel well and the last thing I want or need is you coming in here and… and—”
She laughed at me. “Oh my God. Phillip, are you a virgin? That has to be it, right? You’re just putting me off because you’re scared.” Her steps slowed when she got in arm’s reach of me. “Are you one of those guys who pledged to save yourself until you’re married?”
If it wasn’t for the fact she was a girl, I would have tossed her out the door on her ass. My sex life was none of her concern. Period. And I damn sure wasn’t going to discuss it with her. She could think whatever she wanted, so long as she didn’t think I’d be heating up the sheets with her. Maybe that was a good thing. Maybe, just maybe, I could use that to my advantage to keep her at bay.
“It’s a little unconventional for the times, but I suppose I can wait for you. We’ll just have to move the date for the wedding up sooner. Your second year of school and you’ll be a married man, Mr. Warrington.”
I could feel whatever color I may have had leech out of my face as I staggered to the bathroom and shut the door behind me. Dropping the comforter as a wave of heat rolled through me, I turned on the faucet and splashed cold water on my face.
Sophia, not to be deterred, pushed the bathroom door open. “And I’ll get with the wedding planner to bump everything up to make sure that it’s still as extravagant, even with less time to work with…”
On and on she went from caterers to decorations. The style of china we’d have set out, and the flowers would be just so. She blathered on until I bent my head and closed my eyes against the torrent of never-ending words falling from her mouth.
She’d have to eventually run out of things to say. I hoped. I chose instead to ignore her. Cutting off the water, I pulled my contact case out and removed the colored lenses from my eyes. Blinking against the sting of wearing them too long, I pushed myself away from the countertop on unsteady legs.
The chills were back in full force, and all I wanted to do was escape under the covers and nurse my broken heart in peace. Sophia just kept talking as she followed me out, watching me fall into bed and close myself off from her sight.
Somewhere between what material the tablecloths would be and the correct layout of the seating chart, I passed out with the memory of Maggie’s trembling lips and sorrow-filled eyes burned into the back of my eyelids.
When I woke up, Sophia was gone.
I rolled out of bed feeling like my bones would snap in half if I put too much pressure on them. My skin, clammy from the wave of heat that consumed me, cooled as the internal switch inside me flipped over to start another round of chills. I fumbled my way to the bathroom and turned on the shower as hot as it would go.
After stripping out of my sweat-soaked underwear, I moved under the hot spray, hoping Maggie hadn’t come down with the same virus I had. I stood under the water until my body wouldn’t let me do it any longer. Black spots danced in my vision as my head swam. I got out, wrapped a towel around my hips, and made my way back to my bed.
I had a lot of time to think, lying there burning and freezing. Medicine would have been nice, but that would mean reaching out to someone and asking them to bring it to me, and I didn’t want to see anyone. I’d rather suffer in silence. Didn’t I deserve that anyway?
Hurting Maggie.
Denying myself.
I was paying for it. Would continue to pay for it until I made it right with her. But how? Would she even see me again? Better yet, could I face her after everything we’d said to one another?
Promise you’ll write to me, she’d said. I could hear it echo through my thoughts.
I knew in that moment what I needed to do.
Forcing myself up from the bed, I grabbed the small notepad and pen in the nightstand and put my thoughts to paper, hoping she’d not only read it, but forgive me for being a terrible friend.
The little pad of paper filled up with the steady pouring of words and, when I was done, I folded it in half, grabbed the gratuity envelope, and sealed it.
Sliding the phone over, I jabbed the number to the front desk and made my request. My tennis instructor didn’t know me very well, but he seemed like the only person I could entrust with my letter.
He showed up on my doorstep with a bottle of NyQuil and took the envelope, promising he’d hand deliver it right away.
Ripping open the bottle, I didn’t even stop to pour the recommended dose into the medicine cup. I just tipped it back in a healthy slug, tottered over to my bed, collapsed in a heap, and pulled what covers I could over myself.
My last thought was more of a plea before I was once again submerged to the darkness.
Please let her get my letter.
“YOU WENT AND FELL IN love with him, didn’t you?” Hannah asked, handing me the last of the tissues.
My eyes felt like they’d been pressed through a juicer. My skin felt like frying pans had been held against my face. I took the tissue from her and did my best to give her a scolding look, but I failed, wishing I could just curl up like a roly-poly and sleep away my embarrassment.
“I’ve beat myself up enough about this. I don’t need your help,” I said, blowing my nose. With a shuddering breath, I threw the tissue into the wastebasket next to my bed. “And anyway, the blame is partly yours.”
“Mine?” she said, pointing to her chest and laughing incredulously.
“Yeah,” I said, jutting my c
hin up in the air. “You’re the one who encouraged me. You’re the one who gave me that crap talk about how love is somehow like swimming. It’s your fault for getting my hopes up. Your fault I’m drowning.”
I knew I was being pathetic, totally and completely, but I couldn’t help it. Phillip’s words had ripped a hole in my chest.
And the worst part was… I had let it happen.
Her hand found mine, and then she pulled me against her, running her fingers through my hair. “I don’t think I gave you poor advice, Maggs. You like him. Still. I can see it in your eyes. There’s still hope to fix this.”
“Hope?” I repeated lamely. “I tethered hope to an anchor the minute I let myself believe I had a chance with him, and then I secured concrete blocks around hope’s ankles and dropped her in the ocean the second I took Phillip to the lighthouse, thinking we could finally be honest with each other. The only hope left for hope is that she drowns quickly in the tears of my embarrassment.”
“Deep,” she said, unimpressed. “Listen, chick, I’ve never seen you like this before. I mean, you’re in full meltdown mode. What happened to iron-armored Maggie?”
“Rub it in,” I muttered miserably.
“I am, because you need to step outside of your little circle of sorrowful feelings and see the bigger picture here.”
“Are you kidding—?”
“No,” she said, cutting me off. “I have a point to make,” she added in a scolding tone. “Just like Phillip probably did, and you never gave him the chance to explain.”
I sat up, my mouth wide and eyes scrunched in betrayal.
“You said you repeatedly cut him off. You just assumed you knew what he was going to say. You assumed, because you were scared and—”
“I was not!”
Her eyes flattened on me. “Maggs, this is me you’re talking to. When he didn’t answer you right away, or sweep you off your feet with some profound, poetic expression… you probably went into freak-out mode thinking you had read the signs all wrong. And understandably so. This is the first guy you’ve actually let in since… since…”
“Scott,” I finished for her.
“Right,” she said, head tilting to the side as a question appeared on her face. “What happened to him anyway?”
“He wasn’t the one,” I answered simply.
She shrugged. “Anyway. Doubt is natural to feel.”
“Well, my doubt was right, wasn’t it?” I said, feeling another sickening wave crash over my heart. “In the end, he told me this couldn’t be, and even went as far as comparing me to his awful mother and that equally awful hoebag Sophia.”
I had to suck in a deep breath just to deal with the pain squeezing fists around my heart. He compared me to her. Told me he could only be my friend after kissing me like I was the only one on this earth he ever wanted to kiss again.
Hannah took my hand back in hers and made a sympathetic sound. “I don’t think you were right, Maggs. Not this time.”
I hated that my stomach did a hopeful flip. “And what makes you say that?”
She pulled an envelope from her back pocket.
“What’s that?” I asked, but I already had a feeling who it was from, and it made my heart palpitate.
“I bumped into Travis at the front desk. I overheard him asking the receptionist where you were staying. After a little flirting on my part, I managed to snag this. Travis said it was urgent. From Phillip.”
The paper quivered in my hand as I took it from her. A million thoughts passed through my mind. Does he hate me? Is he sorry? Is this his goodbye?
I almost didn’t want to open it.
Almost.
Hoops,
I don’t know how I can right the wrongs between us, but I want to at least try. I’m sorry for all that was said that made you feel you were less than nothing in my life. Truth is, you’ve shown me more respect, honesty, and compassion in the last few weeks than anyone has in my entire life. I’ll treasure that always and carry those memories with me for the rest of my life. They’ve been the brightest spots in my otherwise bleak existence.
Thank you for showing me all the things I never would have experienced had it not been for you. I curse you for that as well, because I now know what is out there… just out of reach.
Would I have been better off not knowing?
Probably. But then again, I would be less of a person because of it.
Do you not know… do you not see what I feel for you? How torn I am that I can only have what I do not want? I know that makes no sense to you. And honestly, it doesn’t make much sense to me right now either. I just know that my obligations tie me to the life paved out before me. School. Mother. All of it.
I want so badly to succeed. To make something of myself, and I think I’ve sold my soul for it. Because as sure as I’m breathing (which is terrible, by the way, since I’ve come down with some sort of virus), I know I’ve handed over my life for others to bend to their will. I’ve become a puppet. And the only way to free myself is to find the right way to cut the strings without creating a mockery of my family name.
I beg you to understand me. To understand this. Give me time to figure it all out. Give me back that little slice of happiness that is you, in my life. I cannot do it alone, Maggie. I need my friend.
Please come to me so we can talk about this.
Always yours,
Silver Spoon
I could barely read through the blurry haze by the last line.
“Well?” Hannah asked, practically bouncing on her legs, which were tucked underneath her.
I blindly stood up, dropping the letter on my bed. Reaching for my cardigan, I pulled it on and grabbed a hair tie. After pulling my hair back into a ponytail, I reached for my purse and walked out of my room.
Hannah followed me, her nose glued to the letter.
“I have to—I have to see him. Have to apologize,” I said, turning back for the kitchen. I grabbed the medicine I kept for colds, shoving it into my purse.
“This is too freaking sweet,” Hannah said, right on my heels. “See! I told you that you were wrong. He does feel the same… he’s just, well, noble.”
Noble. He pushed me away because he’s noble. Not because he wasn’t interested.
“What are you going to do?” she asked
“Apologize? Make it right?” I said, heading for the door. I threw my raincoat on and twisted the door handle. “It’s our last day here. I can’t leave it like I did yesterday.”
She grabbed my arm before I could step out into the rain. “No more pressure, Maggs. Take what he’s offering you.”
“I plan on it,” I said, heading out into the rain.
Heading straight to Phillip.
MY HEART COULD MATCH THE distant thunder.
It was that loud. That strong against my chest as I knocked on Phillip’s door. I glanced over my shoulder, feeling like a million eyes were glued to my back, and then whipped my gaze back to the door.
I knew I wasn’t allowed here, but that wasn’t going to stop me from saying sorry.
From saying a proper goodbye.
When the door finally opened, air rushed out of my lungs.
“Maggie?”
I threw myself against him, pulling him into the tightest, most sincere hug I’d ever given before. He stumbled back a couple of steps, shoving the door shut behind us, and wrapped his arms just as equally tight around me.
“I wasn’t sure you’d come,” he said against my ear, his hand pressed against the back of my neck.
“Of course I’d come, Phillip. Despite everything, you’re the closest I’ve ever felt to someone before. You’re—well, you’re like a best friend to me. And I didn’t listen, didn’t shut up, and I’m so sorry, Phillip. I’m sorry I didn’t—”
His hand clasped over my mouth, shushing my words. The left corner of his mouth quirked up. He sniffed, his nose rimmed in red, and then said, “Just you being here is enough. Don’t apologize. We both said t
hings we didn’t mean to say. Just know that I know, and I feel the same, okay? It’s just… it’s not the right time.”
He lowered his hand from my mouth to my cheek, his eyes softening as they took me in.
“I brought you some medicine,” I said, pulling it from my purse, trying to move past his declaration and not make the same mistake I did yesterday.
My love for him wouldn’t have corners.
“Thank God. The stuff I have knocks me right out,” he said in relief, helping me out of my raincoat. “My head feels like it’s been pressed through a vice.”
I knew that feeling. Crying as hard as I had really did a number on my brain.
“Well, this will help you breathe a little easier. Come on,” I said, taking his hand and pulling him toward his couch. “I’ll make us some tea, and then we can spend our time making up for yesterday. Sound good?”
“Better than good,” he said, plopping down onto his couch.
I found two mugs and a Keurig. After filling it with water, I set the tea in and headed to Phillip, medicine in hand. “Take this,” I said, handing him two pills and a glass of water. “It will help ease the stuffiness and cough.”
He took the pills, tossed them back with a sip of water, and then smiled up at me.
“What?”
“You’re in your pajamas,” he said, pointing to my purple sweatpants with sparkly embellishments.
I pointed at his flannel pants. “So are you.”
“It’s cute,” he said, still smiling and looking me up and down.
I threw a throw pillow at his lap. “You’re not helping, Phillip,” I said, contagiously smiling back at him.
“Hey, I get a free pass. My head is delirious. You can’t hold anything I say against me.”
“Should I be recording this?”
Heading back to the Keurig, I set the other mug underneath and waited until it finished. With a honey spoon in each, I carried them back to Phillip and set them on the coffee table.
Love Always, Page 13