It didn’t hit me, as reality tends to do, until my dad had disappeared. I didn’t realize that, until my dad boarded his weekly flight to Area 51 never to return, the sun was never going to come out. I didn’t realize, until it was all taken away from me, how much true happiness is worth. But now I know my reality. I know the sad, sick, twisted reality of this world. Things aren’t going to just get better. Life isn’t going to just work out. I could feel the tears streaming down my face as the sadness and reality of my situation hit me. People are just too selfish. People love control, even if that means controlling someone’s life to get it. Some people just feel empty, and are willing to do anything to fill that void.
I sighed, glancing again at the night sky above that was covered in a thin sheet of ominous clouds. Ironically, though, I could relate to those people. I stared down at my stomach, seeing if the hollow feeling inside of me was visible. It was like a large, gaping hole right in the middle of my heart. It sucked the life out of me, and the pain left a debilitating feeling that brought a numbing sensation to my entire body. But at the same time, there was an insatiable desire to fill that hole. The urge pulled at me incessantly, willing my body forward on the toughest of days and pushing my mind through the pain even when it was unbearable.
I need to fill that void. Even if it takes the entire world to fill my emptiness. Even if it takes my entire life, I have to fill it.
I could feel the adrenaline begin to course through me as I glanced at Ethan, who stared transfixed by his ICLs. Internet-contact-lenses, or ICLs, are essentially contact lenses with a microchip inserted in them, that projects digital images into the retinas of your eyes, and effectively functions as a computer. They also can project the images outward in the form of a holograph, so that other people can see the image on your ICL. There is also an attachment that comes with all ICLs that inserts behind a fold of skin in the ear and it allows sound to be transmitted between devices, so that people can call each other or listen to music using their ICLs.
The emotions coursing through me were strong enough to make all the hairs on my body stand up, as my mind battled with fear, sadness, anger, and desperation. I’m tired of this empty feeling! I’m tired of this sadness! I banged my fist hard against the pavement as tears began to stream down my face once again. I could feel Hunter’s body shift and his other arm wrap around me as Ethan still stared, unmoving, at the image being projected into his eyes by the ICLs.
“Natalie don’t worry. It’s gonna be okay.” Hunter kissed me on the cheek. “We’ll figure things out.”
“How do you know that?!” I could feel the red-hot anger boiling in my cheeks.
“Because there’s no other option.”
His voice was calm, and his warm body felt relaxed, despite the fact that we were both laying down on hard concrete floor that was probably infested with thousands of parasites. I shifted my body so that I could look him right in his gorgeous blue eyes that gleamed like crystals. For a minute, I had to squint at him. My eyes were unable to process the beauty that emanated from his entire face like bright rays of sun.
“Hunter, there is no other option for us,” I said.
I could feel my whole body slowly relax next to him, as the warmth of his own settled over me like a drug. My heart rate began to slow down, and I could feel the anger pulsing through my veins slowly let up. But the tears, they continued to pour out of me, a constant reminder that my body knew what was at stake with our situation.
“But this time it isn’t up to us,” I said, as my body started to shake again, the sadness roaring out of me. “This time, just like every other time, we are powerless.”
“Well, I disagree.” Hunter gazed at the stars above. “As long we are alive, we can use our brains to think for ourselves. And as long as we can think for ourselves, we have a power that is stronger than anything the government holds. We still get to decide how we respond to life. And I’m not gonna respond like that, Natalie.”
Hunter shifted so that he was sitting down on the concrete, and he held my hand tightly, almost as if he was trying to infuse some of his strength into me.
“I can’t just give up,” he continued. “As long as I’m living, I’m going to fight, and I’m going to face those motherfuckers head on.”
“But why would you do that if you’re inevitably going to lose?!”
The hopeless feeling radiated from my skin, and in the moment, it made me feel even more powerless than a grain of sand.
“Because, we have to do everything in our power to get our lives back.” Hunter’s warm voice had a way of soothing the flares of anxiety inside of me. “We can’t just let ourselves die here. We can’t just die starving of food, water, and happiness. We have to try to get our lives back. There’s no alternative.”
There was a long moment of silence as I let my brain digest his words. There is an alternative, I thought. We just die. I contemplated for a moment whether that was really a viable option. Is death better than this? I took a deep breath of the musty, dust-filled air and looked around at the dying building—which we’d been lucky enough to call home for the last few days. After the government had raided our homes, we had no choice but to live on the streets. We all knew that if we went back to our homes, the government would inevitably find us and kill us within hours. Obviously marking that off as a bad idea, our only other option was to take shelter in one of the dozens of abandoned buildings in Scottsdale, which were all infested with the thousands of homeless people in our city. But we couldn’t hide out here forever.
Even in the dry heat of the night I could feel my entire body shiver as I thought about it. The government could find us anytime. I could feel my stomach turn as the reality of our situation continued to hit me like a dozen sucker punches to the gut. And if the government doesn’t find us soon, we’ll inevitably starve to death. There’s no way around this. We are going to die.
Another dark-gray cloud passed over the hole in the roof, blocking out the light from the stars above, just as the new feeling of defeat building in my chest blocked all other visions of hope and excitement for the future. There was a part of me that just wanted to give up. It wanted to settle with the outcome of defeat, and accept this new reality. It wanted to accept its home in a pit of despair, forever impoverished of the joys of happiness and the hope of sunlight. It wanted to accept death, and conform to the will of the darkness tugging at my back side. But there was another part of me that stood its ground, firmly denying that reality.
I could feel its will building up inside of me like a blistering fire of hope and courage. And with its flame, however suppressed by the blanket of darkness wrapping my insides, it acted as a single spark of hope. But it still didn’t matter. I could feel the wave of doubt, fear, and anger coursing through me like a vicious tidal wave of emotions, wreaking havoc on my insides.
And no matter what, the empty feeling still resided in me like a perpetual hunger that could never be satisfied until it got what it was craving. But I wasn’t craving a hamburger or ice cream, or water even, though my body was in desperate need of nutrients. I craved the one thing that seemed impossible to get: my old life back. My whole body began to convulse helplessly as the sheer desperation clawed madly at my insides, which caused a literal pain to course through me. The memories began to flood my mind like a time capsule of joy and happiness exploding in my brain. But with the debris of the explosion, a thick residue of regret and sadness blanketed my insides.
Images of my mother and my brother and me, laughing around the dinner table, haunted my mind—a constant reminder of my old life. My brother’s face was bright with innocence and joy as he joked about the couple across the street from us, who fought constantly. My mother and I couldn’t help but laugh at his silly joke; Matthew’s goofy smile was truly infectious. I could feel a pain stab at my heart as the faint gleam of my mother’s loving, amber eyes slowly faded in my mind. Then, with a gust of cold wind, I felt the memory drift away, only for a new one to take
its place.
This time, I was with my father. I still vividly remembered the hikes that we would go on in the mountains just outside Las Vegas. On that particular day, I had suddenly tripped on a rock and fallen down to the coarse earth beneath me. I was just a little six-year-old, and I began to cry wildly at the pain from the huge scrape across my thigh; I could feel a pain jolt through my whole body. My eyes went wide with shock and fear as blood began to gush out of the scrape.
It was the same then as it was now—I was filled with tears, as my whole world began to bleed out. But unlike that one little scrape, my present wound was fatal. On that day, my dad had been there to help me, with his brown eyes and strong, weathered hands. Now, I was all alone. My body began to shake again, as I let another wave of despair wash over me. I’m hopeless! We are hopeless! A cold shiver ran down my spine as my dad’s last words to me echoed in my head: “There is no stopping them.” I remember how my entire body tensed up at the feel of his warm hand on my shoulder. My dad had looked at me with his tender brown eyes, and I stared back innocently; I had no idea that would be the last time I’d see them. “They always get what they want, no matter what. But not today. Not today, sweetheart. I’m on the run.”
After one last look at his fiery brown eyes, my dad hugged me goodbye, and left for the last time to go toward the terminal. I had no idea—truly, no clue—that he was leaving forever. I just figured he was on his early morning flight to the Area 51 research facility, where he worked. Boy, was I wrong. Reality hadn’t hit me until I’d looked up and seen that his flight was departing for San Francisco, California. My grandparents hastily pulled me out of the airport, and after that day, there was never another word uttered about my father. After that day, my father left for good, and with him, my happiness and trust in the world vanished. After that day, I was forced to pretend that the man I knew to exist, was now nothing more than a shadow.
But I refused to accept it. I refused to just close my eyes and pretend the way my mother did. I refused to accept the new reality. For me, it was easier to just shut down and go into denial. But my mother and I had different ways of operating.
I could feel more tears begin to drip from my cheeks onto the cement floor, creating tiny droplets in an area devoid of any water or hope. I could feel the pain of the regret I harbored inside me begin to release itself. You let it destroy your relationship with her. You let it destroy everything. My mom didn’t like to show emotion. She, too, didn’t want to acknowledge our reality. Instead, she thought it would be easier if we all went on with life and pretended like our dad had never been a part of it. She just decided to pick us up and move from Las Vegas to Scottsdale, hoping that she could start a new life, and in the process, erase all the old memories from her past. She even stopped talking to her own parents, who had a seaside cottage in Rockport, Massachusetts. She isolated herself from everything, including her own reality, in hopes of eliminating all the pain inside her.
But it didn’t work. No matter how hard I tried, I could still feel the memories seeping into my brain, like a vile liquor crawling down my throat. No matter how hard I tried to forget, the emotions seemed to reawaken inside me, like a vicious beast from its slumber. I still remember what was taken from me. Still, I desperately long for everything I love to return. I’m still starving for the hole inside of me to be filled.
But it’s hopeless.
I began to cry uncontrollably, a true fit of hysteria. The regret settled in the pit of my stomach, and the anger, sadness, and fear began to pile on top of that regret, until a skyscraper of emotions stood tall, threatening to crumble and crash into oblivion.
“Natalie, it’s okay. It’s all good.”
Hunter sat up and wrapped his arm around my body, which was curled up on the ground, truly surrendering to the world around it.
I looked up, quite startled, as Ethan’s voice cut into our conversation. “No, it’s not.”
“Ethan?” Hunter stared at him, baffled.
Ethan had been so quiet up to that point, that I’d almost forgotten he was even there.
“What the hell are you still doing up on your ICL?” Hunter asked him.
“I was just fact-checking your conversation.” Ethan grimaced. “And I have detected a lie.”
“A lie?” Hunter’s voice cracked as he grinned at Ethan, confused.
“Yes, a lie.” Ethan rolled his eyes. “You just said, ‘it’s all good,’” Ethan replied, imitating Hunter’s voice. “But clearly it’s not all good. Do you even see where we are?”
“Yes, in fact, I do.”
I began to smile. Somehow, even on the worst of nights, their bickering always seemed to cheer me up.
“Well, I’m glad you do, because we are in a fucking rotting office building, going on our second day without any food, and for almost twenty-four hours straight without water.”
“I am aware of that.” Hunter still maintained an even composure, even though the annoyance inside of him was visible in the slight twitch of his face as he attempted to hold back a fiery comment.
“And you are also aware that the government is actively searching to kill us, and that they have already taken our families?”
“Yes, sir,” Hunter answered.
Despite the heaviness to the air, there was somehow still a light-hearted aura encircling us.
“Well then.”
Ethan paused, and I could see his eyes shifting across his ICLs, and then, with a gesture of his hand, the image on his ICLs was suddenly projected into the blackness in front of us.
“I have something to show you,” Ethan continued, “and it’s something I’m certain you are unaware of.”
“You don’t say.” Hunter rolled his eyes.
“Yes.” Ethan sighed, and I could see the fear in his eyes. “Yes, this is certainly some shocking news.”
I could feel my stomach drop before my eyes began to even process the holograph projected right in front of Hunter and me. There was still a part of me that was jealous Ethan still got to use his ICLs, while Hunter and I’d had to throw ours away, but it was just too risky. Ethan already had destroyed all the mechanisms that the government used to track the location of every American citizen, and he had already installed thousands of programs that helped him bypass the government firewall without being detected. Hunter and I, however, just like the average American, were not computer geniuses, and were therefore unable to stealthily evade the government in the cyber world, and disable the onboard GPS in our ICLs.
I shivered, a dark thought swirling through my mind. If we had our ICLs, we would all inevitably be dead. What if we had just forgotten to take them out? What if we had just waited one more hour?
“Holy fucking shit.” Hunter’s jaw was wide open as he glanced at Ethan in shock. “This can’t be real, right?”
“Oh no, it’s real.” I could see some of the stress bundled up inside Ethan leaking out of his caramel skin, dark brown in the night. “This is real.”
I focused my eyes in on the bright text that glowed like rays of sun in the darkness. Hitmen Database. The words were inscribed in large black letters at the top of the screen, and Ethan began to scroll down through the thousands upon thousands of names listed in the database, each with a different corresponding reward for their capture. For a minute, I just stared in awe, my whole body going numb as Ethan finally stopped scrolling through the millions of names—and landed on mine.
Every single hair on my body stood straight up. I could feel an ear-piercing scream threaten to roar out of my throat, and every muscle in my body tensed up. The anger and fear surged through my veins like a volcanic explosion of fiery hot magma flowing inside of me. That can’t be me. My brain instantly shut down as Ethan clicked on my name and a profile of sorts appeared on the holograph. No way. That can’t be me.
My whole body started to shake with pure vexation as a picture of my face, almost in perfect detail, appeared in the top right corner of my profile. I could feel my brown eyes in
the holograph stare into my soul, and glance at me with a look of total defeat.
Natalie Parker. I reread my name at the top of my profile, trying to take everything in slowly, attempting to give my mind time to digest this new reality. Last location: 317 Sandpiper Lane. Time: 9:26 a.m. My eyes continued to scan the personal information in front of me, and an arctic chill began to trickle down my spine.
“What is this?” Hunter asked, and I could hear the anger in his voice as he put an arm around me protectively.
“The hitmen database,” Ethan replied, a sort of spaced-out look in his eyes as he stared into the darkness. “And all our names are in it. Our names, along with thousands and thousands of others.”
I could feel Hunter’s entire body tense up as he sighed, attempting to release some of the anger inside of him. There was an ominous stillness to the night. For a moment, the only movement was the slow crest and lull of Hunter breathing in and out. It was in these quiet, almost peaceful moments, where I could let all the fear elude me, and somehow trick myself into thinking that everything was going to be okay.
But this time, my reality, in the form of bright black text, was staring right at me. And the debilitating fear started to overcome my senses again, while my body convulsed in paranoia. The government could come here and kill us anytime. I shivered, anger, shock, and pure terror coursing through me, as I stared at my profile and all the information about my life they had stolen from me. They have no right! I could feel my stomach turn over with disgust. I let my eyes drift away from the screen, refusing to stare at the picture of me and my wavy, dirty blond hair any longer.
“This . . . ” Ethan’s voice trailed off. I could see his eyes searching through his mind, looking for the right words to say amidst the shock. “This is something big—really big.”
Control Freakz Page 4