“I don’t know,” I said. I edged closer to Hunter as tears welled up in his eyes, full of frustration, regret, and anxiety.
“I just don’t know! Goddammit, why does life have to be so hard?!”
“Hunter, it’s okay,” I said. “Calm down.”
I put my arm around him, attempting to take his usual role of comforting me.
“We can’t just assume that it’s a trap. We have to take the risk. We can’t just continue to sit here and starve atop this building.”
I let the rays of sun shine down on my already red skin. My stomach appeared bare and hollow, and my legs were weak due to lack of exercise. Due to the fear of hitmen and the police, for the past several days we’d stayed camped out at the building, as we slowly watched our lives helplessly wither away. But I could feel a hunger inside of me screaming to get up. Despite almost everything already having been taken away from us, there was a part of me that was willing to risk everything I had left in order to regain just some of my old life back.
“You know I can’t just trust this, Natalie.” Hunter winced, and I could feel the pain leave him in his silent tears. “Not after what happened to my dad. Not after he was told everything would be okay. Not after he was told they were just trying to help. Because, Natalie, it was all a lie!” Tears streamed down Hunter’s gorgeous, tan face, and onto the cement beside him. He paused, and I could see the flurry of emotions bouncing around his mind. “And they took everything away from him, and I don’t want to risk that happening to us.”
There was a long silence as I wrapped both my arms around Hunter, my mind going back to the day when his dad was taken. I could feel a sudden burst of anger explode inside of me, and it began to fume out of my nose and ears like smoke billowing from a chimney. I forced the image out of my mind of his mother clawing madly at Hunter’s older brother, as he held her back from her inevitable death. He’s right. The levee holding back the monstrous amounts of anxiety inside of me suddenly released, and I could feel the fear flow over me in its catastrophic waves. They could take the one last thing we have away from us. I shivered, and even in my darkest hour, the cold hand of death still seemed unappealing to hold onto. Even with all the desperation I felt, the blanket of death was nothing I wanted to wrap around me. But we might not have a choice.
I choked on another bout of tears beginning to flow out of me, as the ghastly grip of death closed in around my throat. The doubt that pounded in my head fueled the fire of fear burning through the excitement inside of me.
“Hunter,” Ethan said, finally breaking the silence with a soft voice. “You’re right. We could go there and the government could be waiting to kill us all. That is a real possibility.” Ethan paused, and I could see him grit his teeth. “But who fucking cares?!” The scream so suddenly roared from Ethan’s mouth that it literally knocked me back as it echoed off the decaying roofs of the buildings. “We are going to die no matter what. That’s an inevitability of life, and whether it’s now or later, or at the hands of the government, or at the hands of starvation itself―it doesn’t matter. Either way, we will die if we continue living like this. We will die, if we allow life to continue to just pass us by.” Ethan paused again and I could see the fire burning in his eyes begin to melt his caramel skin and cause it to sweat. “Hunter, I understand your fears, I really do. But at the same time, I personally wouldn’t be able to live with myself knowing that I didn’t at least try to make things better. I personally can’t live with myself without knowing the answers to our life.”
“Ugh!” Hunter pounded his fist against the pavement as he buried his face into his other arm. “I just . . . just I . . . I mean, you know how hard it is for me to trust people. You know how hard it is for me to just surrender and let life take its course.”
“I know, I know. Trust me,” Ethan replied. There was an unfamiliar softness to Ethan’s voice as he looked Hunter right in his eyes, with a genuine look of care. “But, Hunter, if we keep living this way, we will die. We have to try and change things. We have to try and make things better. And this is our only chance! This could be our only chance at finding answers to where our families could still be if they are alive! This could be our only chance at ever being able to get our lives back!” He paused, and his true emotions appeared in his eyes that almost looked empty of life, yet full of sadness and regret. “And just for that reason alone, it is worth to risk everything we already have.”
There was another long pause as I closed my eyes, letting my brain process Ethan’s words. I allowed the emotions to rush over me and marinate inside, as the anger, fear, and sadness culminated together into a beast of its own.
“Okay.” Hunter wiped the tears off his blue eyes, and suddenly stood up. “Okay, let’s go.”
“Like right now?!” Ethan jumped up like a little kid awaiting his ride to an amusement park. “Like right now, right now?!”
“Yes.” Hunter laughed, and the vibrant color instantly returned to his cheeks. “Let’s go right now, right now.”
“Yes!” Ethan pumped his fist in the air. “This could really be it! This could finally be what we’ve been waiting for.”
“Let’s hope,” I interjected, pushing my stiff body off the concrete beneath us.
The exhaustion had long since drained all the strength from my mind, and the hunger had long since drained all the strength from my body, which left me weak and defeated. But a new sense of hope somehow propelled me forward, and it ignited a sense of urgency inside of me. We can get our old lives back! We can get everything back! A euphoric bliss overcame me for just the slightest of a second as I finally thought about regaining everything that was taken away from me.
But as the sharp clank of my shoes against the metal ladder leading to the second floor reverberated in my ears, I was suddenly reminded of the uncertainty that lay ahead of us. We could lose everything. I shivered at the thought as I tried to push the fear to the back of my mind. But it was too powerful. The anxiety inside of me refused to stay chained down by the hope and excitement suddenly present, and instead it began to roar out of me in full force.
“Ah!” The crazed almost animal-like scream managed to screech out of my throat.
“What the hell was that?!” Ethan turned around, startled.
Hunter looked at me, concerned. “Natalie, is everything okay?”
“Yes.” I took a deep breath. “I’m fine.”
Hunter waited for me at the bottom of the stairs and put his warm, firm arm around me. I felt his lips slowly graze over my cheek as I looked up into the gorgeous sea that lay beyond his blue eyes.
“No matter what, we will always have each other,” Hunter said to me, smiling.
I watched as Ethan awkwardly slipped out the door and into the alleyway. Hunter and I both stopped, and I could feel his hands slowly graze over my body until they landed on my waist.
“You don’t know that,” I said, and I felt him pull me closer.
“Yes, I do.” Hunter’s soft voice made its way down my ears like a sweet melody. The familiar sparkle in his eyes made them look like diamonds, and it made his entire face, though dirty and tired, look beautiful.
“How?” I let my arms rest on his broad shoulders.
“Because I will never leave you.” He smiled, and I felt his hand move to brush over my cheek “I’m never going to let life take away another person that I love.”
I felt the energy between us suddenly pull us closer, as we both leaned in and let our lips connect. I could feel the familiar, warm but amazing taste of his lips, as his muscular body pressed up against me. A rush of adrenaline suddenly coursed through my veins, as I felt my entire body conform to his warmth. I could suddenly feel the hope and excitement inside of me suppressing the fear and doubt as my entire body screamed for more. But then I felt his lips gracefully pull away, and just like that, the bliss of the moment fleeted from my body.
I opened my eyes, and could feel the warmth and comfort of his body radiate throughout me.
Our eyes met, and I couldn’t help but smile just looking at his gorgeous face. At least I have him. I let my hands slide down from his shoulders until we both held each other’s hands.
As we both began to walk out the door, I found myself glance back as an almost symbolic goodbye to yet another building that was dying, and just another place that was soon to be enveloped by the darkness. I put one foot out the door, and felt a wave of the warm, brisk fall air of Phoenix hit me, just as another wave of sadness hit me.
If we lose everything, that means I lose him.
The rusted metal door closed behind me with a loud bang for one last final time. And I couldn’t help but look at the sky and wonder if I would ever see the night again. I couldn’t help but close my eyes and ponder whether I would ever sleep again. But one thing was for sure: I would see the darkness again.
Chapter 5
I could feel the rays of sun beating down on me like an incessant reminder of the struggle we’d endured. My entire body ached as the sunlight pounded against my skin in sync with the sharp pounding of the pain in my head. After walking a countless number of miles, my legs were practically numb, and the soles of my shoes had eroded to a thin, plastic layer separating my bare, blistered up feet from the coarse pavement beneath us. Make this end. I wiped the beads of sweat that began to collect on the sides of my face, and looked up at the rocky slopes of Camelback Mountain. But instead of just sweat, my hand was covered in a thin mat of dirt and grime that had collected on the side of my neck. A solid three weeks without showering tends take a toll on the body; in fact, I didn’t even know that was possible, but due to so many of my pores being clogged, my skin noticeably felt heavier as I walked around.
At that point I’d learned to ignore my hair, and just be thankful that it was dirty blonde, because then people wouldn’t question random streaks of brown in it. I could feel a part of me literally gag at the thought, but somehow this new me had learned to face the tough world on the exterior, and I managed to continue walking without batting an eye. My nose had even grown immune to the pulverizing stench that festered inside of the abandoned buildings, as human feces, decaying matter, and mildew all combined into one death-like smell. As a result, I had gone nose blind to the stench emanating from my own body, but I could only imagine after three weeks of not showering or using deodorant, how bad it had truly gotten.
I cringed just thinking about the smell, but thankfully all the hairs inside of my nose had already been incinerated from the burning-like stench of hell. But my eyes were still working, and every time we passed a store I would glance at myself subtly in the window, and I would see a totally different girl stare back at me. Damn, girl. There’s no way that’s you. The new edginess to my face, along with my tattered clothes, dirty skin, and knotted up hair, rendered me unrecognizable. I almost looked like a poor, little, homeless girl who had run away from home. Well, shit. I almost laughed at my stupidity.
I glanced to my side at Hunter, who still managed to look amazing, despite everything. The dirt that was draped across his body and clothes added to his new rustic look that was only exacerbated by the stubble of facial hair starting to grow from his face from not having shaved in over three weeks. His hair appeared a bit more matted up and curly, almost like he’d just finished drying it off with a towel, and his eyes were still a crisp, beautiful blue as normal.
“It’s right up ahead!” Ethan blurted out, the excitement oozing out of him as he pointed at the mountain towering above us.
Now I just have to suffer through the hike up there. I let my eyes wander from the base of the Cholla Trail, where we stood, all the way up the prominent brown, rocky bulge that represented the largest hump of the camel. I can make it.
I exhaled, letting the anxiety and pain subside, and then I tried to inhale some of the dry mountain air in an attempt to infuse my lungs with a new burst of energy. Water. I planted my tongue on the roof of my mouth that was devoid of all moisture, and helplessly attempted to squeeze just one last single drop out of the water bottle clenched in my hands.
Shit. I could feel a deep thirst resonate throughout my whole body, as my every cell screamed for water. As a last resort option, I began to hydrate my dry, cracked tongue and throat with my saliva, as I looked up at the peak of the mountain and realized that it would be at least a couple hours before I could get any more water.
Or maybe I won’t ever get to drink again. The dark thought danced throughout my mind as all the things that I would never be able to do again, if things didn’t go our way, hit me. I desperately tried to fight the urge, but the power of the evil inside of me coerced me into succumbing, for just one second, to the will of the hunger and thirst roaring inside of me. I could feel my whole body, not just my stomach, starving for not only food, but starving for happiness, starving for safety, and starving for warmth. I could feel my whole body, including the foundations of the emotions in my brain begin to deteriorate.
I squinted at the sun that peeked just over the crest of the mountain and I felt a wave of exhaustion overcome me.
“What the hell is that?!” Ethan said, pointing his finger in the direction of two silhouetted figures walking down the trail a couple hundred yards ahead of us.
I could feel my whole body freeze up, as the mountains of anxiety inside of me began to crumble and spill throughout my veins in a massive landslide. Are they hitmen? My heart pounded erratically in my chest, and my hands began to shake with trepidation and terror. I could feel my body slowly start to back up, as my mind instinctively begged my paralyzed legs to sprint backward.
Ethan held his hand out to the side to prevent us from walking any further, and he motioned with his other hand for the lens in his ICL to zoom in on the pair walking.
“They don’t look to be hitmen.” I felt the tension in my muscles suddenly release, and I breathed a sigh of relief. “But we should still be careful.”
Hunter and I both followed Ethan’s lead as he continued down the narrow dirt trail that led to the summit of the mountain. The sun was beginning to fade behind the mountains, causing a thin sheet of darkness to blanket the dirt and brown-colored rocks that lined the trail. But as the darkness and light began to collide, it subsequently caused a plethora of colors to erupt into the sky, including oranges, yellows, and a light purple that grazed over the wispy clouds above. I could feel my body just relax and take in the beauty surrounding me; in awe, as the light gave way to darkness and the end of the life of the day was marked with an explosion of colors in the sky. The rush of colors in the air was invigorating almost, yet death’s presence was still ubiquitous. Despite the lively colors dancing in the sky all around me, I could feel my body sink as I realized what the sunset signified. The day is dying.
My eyes suddenly wandered around the darkness seemingly beginning to enclose us, almost as if death’s cold hands were about to wrap around us. I could feel the first wave of coldness reside over me with a light gust of the wind, as the light sucked all the heat with it and left us alone with the blackness and a goose-bump-inducing chill. I could feel my body, in desperate need of warmth, cling onto Hunter who stared forward, locked in a trance at the path of the people moving ahead.
The colors in the sky turned even deeper as the thin layer of blackness of twilight began to set in over the landscape. I looked out at the thousands upon thousands of lights beginning to glow from the streets of Scottsdale and downtown Phoenix on the horizon. The lights seemed to almost cluster into little orbs, while leaving the rest of the valley shrouded in a thick layer of darkness.
“It’s amazing,” I said. I nudged Hunter and leaned my body against his, while his eyes focused on the dark figures walking ahead of us.
“Yeah, it’s beautiful,” he said, continuing to look forward at the pair, who appeared to be a boy and a girl, clearly not paying attention.
“Hunter.” I tried to make my voice stern, but it just came out sounding weak and frail. “Stop paying attention to them.”
“I
don’t know.”
I could see his blue eyes glance away from them for just a second, to admire the myriad of colors in the sky. The sky perfectly mirrored the battle of emotions taking place in my body. Countless amounts of colors all collided to create an almost war-like scene in the sky, with the blackness ultimately winning.
“I just have a bad feeling,” he said.
“What do you mean?” I responded urgently. I could feel another blast of anxiety flare up inside of me as Hunter’s body tensed up.
“It’s nothing. Really, nothing.” Hunter smiled and looked at me with his dreamy eyes. “I was just being stupid.”
“Uh, okay.”
I stared back at his wavy, uncombed brown hair, slightly confused. But somehow with one glance at his eyes and rigid jaw line, everything seemed to make sense. I looked forward at the pair walking up ahead, and their dark silhouettes had changed to visible figures. We were seemingly gaining ground on them, and I felt my entire body tense up. Are we literally walking right into our own deaths?
A heavy silence, along with an ever-heavier darkness settled in the air, as the soft crunch of the dirt beneath our feet echoed in my ears. I could feel a sharp pain course through my ankle in my once-numb legs as the gradient of the path suddenly got steeper on our trek to the top of the mountain.
Despite the coolness to the dry air of the desert night, I found sweat was beginning to drip down the sides of my face, as the throbbing pain in the soles of my feet only worsened. Almost there. I rubbed my hand against the brown-colored rock face of the mountain marking the right-edge of the path. You can make it.
The sun finally waved its last goodbye as it descended beneath the peak of the mountain, taking the light and the beautiful oranges, yellows, and purples with it. The sky, now robbed of its splendid light, allowed the emptiness of the darkness to takes its place. But in spite of the darkness, dozens of stars began to appear in the sky and burn holes through the blackness enveloping us.
Control Freakz Page 7