“We are headed to Grand Canyon National Village,” Ethan said with an emotionless expression, but the determination was visible, burning in his eyes.
“Wait, what?” Hunter said, seeming absolutely befuddled.
“You heard me,” Ethan said arrogantly. “Next stop, Grand Canyon.”
“I got you the first time, idiot.” Hunter bit his tongue, stifling an inevitable nasty comment from flying out of his mouth. “But, why? How? What the hell is happening?”
Ethan rolled his eyes, as if purposely trying to throw Hunter over the edge. “I talked to Danielle about it. She is going to meet us there inside the gates in about four hours.”
No. My mind began to adamantly deny that such a thing could ever happen. There’s no way, no fucking way.
“Holy crap.” Hunter glanced at me with wide eyes. “How the hell are we gonna do that?”
“Well, you see, we have a car. And we are in that car right now, and we are going to drive in this car to the Grand Canyon National Village, and meet Danielle there.” There was a smug tone to his voice as he spoke very sarcastically. Ethan had always had the knack for speaking very pompously when he was stressed out, and by the frantic, exhausted look on his caramel face, I could tell his anxiety was reaching new heights.
Hunter brushed a hand through his messy, light-brown hair that was pushed to the side of his face.
“Bro, I don’t have time for this shit,” he said.
Ethan scratched his chin that was beginning to get bristly with black, unshaven hair. I heard him sigh for a very long time, a byproduct of all the emotions wound up inside of him finally starting to be released.
“Dude, seriously, just tell me what the hell is happening, before we all die.” There was a desperate look on Hunter’s smooth face that made me want to hug him.
Ethan stared forward at the empty road ahead blankly in response. His hands were clenching the steering wheel so hard that I thought his hands were going to fall off. Every muscle in his body started to convulse slightly, as if he was holding back a volcanic eruption threatening to spew out of him.
“Ethan.” Hunter snapped his fingers to try and break him from his trance. “Ethan, what is wrong with you?”
He sighed once again, but this time I could see his lanky body quiver as the emotion came. At first the amount of emotion spilling out of his eyes and radiating off his body festered into an unrecognizable disease that began to infest the air. But after just a few seconds I realized that he was crying, not because he was scared, devastated, or anxiety ridden, but because he felt guilty.
Ethan tried to rub the tears from his eyes so that he could see the road clearly, but they continued to haze up his vision. Damn. My brain had trouble processing the stark emotional contrast that had taken place on Ethan’s face in a matter of seconds. That went from zero to a hundred real quick.
“I don’t even know where to begin,” Ethan cracked, and I could see the sorrow of his reality eating away at his body slowly.
“Well, start wherever feels right.” Hunter’s tone turned much more sympathetic, as he realized the magnitude of our situation. If something was bad enough to make Ethan cry, then we knew it was really, really bad.
I felt too flustered and too disconnected from the world to even try and jump in on the conversation. There was still a sort of shock that resided over my body, like the still, murky waters of a pond. It seemed as if there was always a smog encapsulating the algae-filled waters of a pond, just as my brain is being fogged in with the smoke emanating from the fire that is burning through my life.
“I’m a bastard,” Ethan said, shaking his head so ferociously that I thought he was going to just slam it onto the steering wheel. “You are both gonna hate me after I say this, but just know it’s impossible for you to hate me, more than I hate myself.”
“We won’t hate you.” Hunter nudged me to try and get me to respond in agreement.
“Oh yes, you will,” Ethan said. There was a garbled laugh, combined with a cry that coalesced from his throat.
I felt a cold rush course through my body. No matter how much I end up hating him, it is impossible to hate him more than I hate my own life.
Ethan sighed and held his fist high up in the air, on the verge of bringing it crashing down onto the dashboard of the car, but then he stopped himself. I could see the madness in his eyes. He had finally let reality in, and now that he had to come to terms with his own actions, he did not know how to deal with it. He looked like a massive toddler having a temper tantrum; completely unaware of how to deal with the emotions raging inside of him.
“I knew that was gonna happen,” he said. This time he chuckled for only a split second before breaking down into tears. He took a second, as Hunter and I sat there in a tense silence, to wipe the tears from his eyes, and finally collect himself to where he could at least utter words. “I knew that the government was going to bomb Camp Camel, and I let it happen.”
You piece of shit. The words instinctively wanted to roar out of my mouth, but I stopped myself. However, I couldn’t refrain from allowing a surge of anger to burst inside of me. Suddenly, it made sense why Ethan showed up right before the government firebombed us, and suddenly, I began to wish that he had left us behind to burn in those fires.
“How did you find out?” I admired the strength in Hunter to keep his voice calm, and the composure of his gorgeous face in check. His symmetrical facial structure is probably more defined than any muscle in my body.
“Jacob,” Ethan said, barely uttering the word. “He wasn’t coming to Camp Camel to look for John. I don’t think he even cared about what happened to him. The real reason he came was to warn us that he had gotten sensitive intel, that the government was going to be raiding our base at twilight the next day.”
“Did he seem like a nice guy?” Hunter tried to ask a question on a lighter note.
“Yeah.” Ethan sniffled. “Yeah, he was. He definitely seemed pretty closed off to the world, though. The only reason he came here to say that was because it was too dangerous for him to communicate online, even over a secure server.”
“Damn.” Hunter sat back in his seat, finally releasing some of the tension in his muscles. “So, this is some serious shit.”
“Yeah, and I fucked it all up!” Ethan screamed, the indignation at himself audible in his voice and visible in his shaking forearms. “I didn’t want to die, okay? I just didn’t want to be killed like that.” The terror in his voice sent chills down my spine. “I didn’t know what to do . . . I just . . . I thought there was no other option. I thought that if I did anything else, they would have killed me!”
There was silence for a moment, and I could hear Ethan wince as he sighed again with frustration. I shifted my shoulder just the slightest and felt a sharp pain course through my entire right arm. All right, maybe I shouldn’t do that. I gritted my teeth as I weathered the storm of stabbing sensations piercing through my nerves.
“So you lied.” Hunter said finally breaking the silence. I could see his expression shift as things started to clear up in his mind. “And then you―”
“You know this whole mess would not have started if you hadn’t killed John.” I blurted the words out, interrupting Hunter, and I immediately regretted it after. “I saw what you did with my own eyes.”
Hunter turned toward me and narrowed his eyebrows, but I could also see his eyes widen as he started to make sense of what happened.
Ethan, in his heart, already knew that I saw him, but me actually confronting him about it added a whole new layer of tension between us.
“Natalie, I’m sorry!” The words erupted from Ethan’s mouth. “I just got caught up in the anger. I let it take over me. I let it turn me into a monster.”
“That still doesn’t justify what you did!” I was now screaming, too.
“I never said that!” Ethan bellowed, just as he stepped on the gas to cause an awful sound to emanate from the engine. “I just saw what was on his compute
r. I saw what he was deliberately hiding from us, and I couldn’t handle it!” The skin on his round cheeks was now shaking with anger. “But I still know that it was my fault. I still know that this all happened because of me, and I’m sorry! I’m sorry for making the biggest mistake of my life.”
My heart broke at the anguish in his tone, but I still couldn’t feel sorry for him. I opened my mouth to speak, but Hunter started talking before I could force the words out.
“This is not all your fault.” Hunter looked at him with concern in his blue eyes. “The government would have bombed us no matter what we did; there’s no stopping them. We would have all been dead by now, no matter what. I should be dead. But it was you who saved us.”
“But what about all the others that he didn’t save?” Tears were now dripping down from my cheeks onto my chest. The despair and ire inside of me began to finally show through in full force. “What about Dulce?” I could feel something inside of me shatter as I said her name again. She’s dead. Ethan let her die!
“I didn’t think there was time.” There was a glum, airiness to his tone as his fingers twitched with emotion. “After I left the camp, I feared that they were going to kill the both of you before I even got back. My only option, I thought, was to steal a car and try to get you guys.” Ethan paused for a moment. “I couldn’t bear to go through this hell alone. I needed the both of you, but I knew I was risking everything. I knew that the government would only be tracking us even more closely if we somehow survived, and I also knew that the people at Camp Camel could have killed me before I even found you guys.” He laughed, but I could still feel the sorrow chipping away at him. “Thank god you both were back there. I had a feeling you would be. I was able to just go along the outside of the camp and get you guys to come with me. But in the craziness of that moment I didn’t even think about getting Dulce. After, I felt the eyes starting to drill bullets into me, my head started spinning, and I knew we had to go.”
I felt a deep despair cut into my body, and the pain from that wound stung more than the gash in my shoulder. I wanted to scream at him; I wanted to tear forward through his seat and claw at him. How could he not think about it? I had to desperately try and hold the anger inside from raging out of me. How could he just blatantly forget?
“Well, thank you,” Hunter said. He could barely muster up enough happiness inside of him to even fake a smile. “You saved our lives, at least.” He was doing the right thing by thanking Ethan for saving us from death, but I didn’t give a shit about doing the right thing.
“But he didn’t save any of the other lives.” I already knew how much pain Ethan was going through, but just because he deserved it, I shoved the thorn stabbing into him directly through his body. “And he only prolonged our lives; we still aren’t saved from anything.” At a second thought, I decided to twist the thorn in his body, hoping that with every nerve that I pinched I could get a scream.
I waited for an angry reaction from Ethan, but instead he just stared forward in a trance. Letting his sadness and anger at himself numb his body like an ice bath. Hunter shot me a look that got me to stop for a second. Have some mercy. I looked forward at the poor boy, who was driving down a road that literally could be leading us to hell. With every second that passed, the government could appear out of nowhere, and this time we wouldn’t get away. This time, the government would take us away forever.
There was a long silence that seemed to last for years. I stared out the window, watching the gradual movement of the sun across the sky and observing the barren dessert that stood underneath it. The paranoia and paralyzing fear that the government at any moment could appear and transport us to an eternity of hell ate away at my mind until there was almost nothing left. But then the hope―the dark, mysterious hope―coursed through my veins once again. What if we meet Danielle? What if she can help us? What if we can get everything back? Just that hope alone was almost a powerful enough feeling to make me want to take a chance on life, instead of settling for the cold and loneliness of death. It was almost enough to make me believe that I would one day be happy.
Hunter and Ethan began talking again, and I looked out the window, staring out at the mountains that started to rise above the road on either side in a mindless lull. The rocks formed intricate structures that towered above the earth, and made me feel even smaller and more powerless. I wondered how long the road went on, or if it would ever end. It was like we were on a steep incline to hell, which really just showed how lowly our lives had become.
The desert sprawled out all around us, encapsulating us in a void of nothingness. Just like in my mind, everything was devoid of life and color besides the sun that is millions of miles out of reach. The lack of cars on the road made me feel like I was losing my mind. Seemingly, we were the only people daring enough to make the trek up to hell. I could just jump out of the car and end this now. I felt my hand compulsively reach for the door handle, but I stopped, reminding myself that there was at least some hope now, as long as we didn’t get kidnapped on our way getting there.
I sighed, trying to accept the reality of our situation that seemed impossible to get out of. Will this even work? The anxiety and doubt inside of me began to overcome the hope and excitement, as they always did. What if this is all for nothing? What if I end up regretting not ending my life and ending this hell?
I sighed, staring out at the landscape that was beginning to transform from desert to grass meadows. Behind the meadows massive snow-capped mountains towered above the earth, poking through the clouds like ginormous spires. I felt my body get reinvigorated with hope as the world around us started teeming with life. This is our only shot. I stared out the window, hoping that the car that was speeding by didn’t belong to a hitman. Maybe things can actually get better. Maybe I can get my life back, and get all the love and happiness back.
“Getting closer!” Hunter called out, pointing at a green sign on the side of the highway that denoted Flagstaff, a quirky mountain town, was just three miles up ahead.
We’re getting there. I told myself, a boost of confidence being released inside of me. I remember one time, after we’d first moved down to Phoenix, when my mom went on a road trip with my brother Matthew and me to the Grand Canyon. Flagstaff was just past the halfway point of the trip, and we stopped at a funky pub to get something to eat, and so my mom could get something to drink. Once we got to the Grand Canyon, I remember being in awe at the beauty that surrounded us. All three of us had stunned, almost numb expressions strewn across our faces, but I had a feeling my mom was not in shock because of the landscape around us. She had something else on her mind, something even more than her parents dying and her husband disappearing. She was thinking about something so terrorizing, that at one point she even tried to jump off the Grand Canyon Skywalk, and plummet to her death. That was so messed up. Images of the park rangers tackling my mom off the railing and dragging her flailing body off the skywalk filled my mind. Somehow, I don’t even look back on that if that is a crazy, messed-up thing. Somehow, the chaos and turmoil of life just became the new normal for me.
Getting tired of my own thoughts, I began to listen in on the conversation that Hunter and Ethan were having. Ethan was explaining how he’d left last night and found a middle-class neighborhood, by today’s standards. Instead of literally rotting in their own filth, these people had the means to at least afford running water and electricity for the most part, but even those people were in the small minority of the middle class.
After he found a house that belonged to one of those middle-class people, he broke into it by climbing through one of the windows that supported the structure of a building that was caving in on itself. Ethan said his first thought was to grab a shitty old laptop laying around, and contact Danielle to tell her about what had happened at Camp Camel. He then took the car keys that were hanging right near the front door, and drove off in the car without ever even-waking one of them up.
I could feel my anger at Ethan
beginning to wane as their conversation continued. Despite all the crazy shit the kid had done, he’d done it all in hopes of surviving. He didn’t deliberately hurt anyone just for the hell of it; he didn’t just kill people, like the government, for fun and to exercise his power. At the end of the day, he was still just a boy who was trying to make it in this fucked up world, and persevere in the face of all the challenges against us. He was still just a boy who felt completely horrible because of what he’d felt he’d had to do, and he hated himself for it.
And at the end of the day, I was just a girl who was in the exact same position. I was still just a girl who actually understood what he’d done, and had the power to forgive him for it. And I intended to use it.
Hours that felt like days passed by, and after listening to Hunter coax Ethan through his emotions, I found myself more antsy than ever to get out of the car. Luckily, in the horizon, the shimmering glass skyscrapers that made up the entirety of the Grand Canyon National Village began to appear up ahead. And I felt a surge of nervous excitement course through me.
Holy shit! My eyes connected with the blue orbs in Hunter’s that glowed with hope. We might actually get there. We might actually be able to get our lives back. The adrenaline helped to create a euphoric bliss that overcame the worry and doubt inside of me, and for a moment it acted like a bandage to seal the pain from the gaping wound on my shoulder and in my heart. However, it didn’t take long for the blood from the emotional and physical wounds to seep through the bandage and cause a numbing pain to return to my entire body.
Control Freakz Page 21