by K. J. Parker
He’d smiled feebly. Nine hundred and ninety-nine times out of a thousand, unique priceless ancient texts bought from wandering dispossessed monks must be handled with extreme care for fear of smudging the still-wet ink; but this was the thousandth time, because the monastery in question had to be Besvacharma, and it hadn’t just been the raiders who’d sacked it; and he’d nearly died in that burning library, trying to rescue some clown of a sergeant—
‘Fantastic,’ he’d said quietly; and he was thinking, five copies, no, six; this one’ll have to go to Deymeson, but I’ll make it a condition that they make me six copies – Xipho, me, Gain, the Earwig, Father Tutor and one for the open shelves, just to make sure nobody ever tries breaking into the secure section at night—
(One of these days, I might even find the time to read the bloody thing.)
‘Are you all right?’ she said. ‘You look awful.’
He shook his head. ‘I’m sorry,’ he replied. ‘Only – this is where I live.’
‘I just said so, didn’t I?’
He stared; at the table, the chairs, the candle-stand. ‘I remember this room,’ he said. ‘Do you realise what that means? I remembered—’
She shrugged. ‘That’s good, surely.’
(And no crows anywhere; not a dream. Not that; or this– unless the crows painted on the door counted, in which case all the years he’d spent here, with her, had been a dream too.) ‘I remembered that time,’ he said, ‘when I came home and you’d found me that book—’
‘Ah yes.’ She laughed frostily. ‘The one you liked so much you gave it away at once. What a thing to remember, after—’
‘I remembered.’ He felt weak in the legs, backed into a chair, and sat down awkwardly. ‘Your brother,’ he said suddenly, ‘the man who found me in the woods. He really is your brother, isn’t he?’
She smiled. ‘Well done,’ she said. ‘Do you remember his name?’
‘Turvo.’ Poldarn frowned. ‘He’s got a crippled hand, I noticed it the first time I saw him. And Turvo—’
She nodded. ‘You did that,’ she said, ‘in a year-end duel. You managed to end the bout without killing him, just crippling his right hand; because,’ she added sourly, ‘you loved me. We all thought you were wonderful, especially Turvo.’
‘So that house he took me to, where I met you—’
‘That’s right,’ she replied, smiling; then she went on, ‘I couldn’t believe you wouldn’t figure it out, even if you had lost your memory. Did you really think someone could afford a house like that just from doing well in the dried-fish business?’
‘Turvo – but I thought he’d died. Didn’t somebody say—?’
She looked at him again. ‘Wrong prince,’ she said. ‘You must be thinking of Prince Choizen. Name ring a bell?’
He felt as though his throat was being crushed from the inside. ‘Choizen,’ he said. ‘Our son.’
‘Killed,’ she said. ‘A month or so ago.’ She closed her eyes. ‘I’d sent him to find you. Silly, really,’ she went on, ‘because he hadn’t set eyes on you for twelve years, not since Dad sent him away to school because he didn’t want his grandson growing up under your influence, so how was he supposed to recognise you if he did find you? But no, I had to write to him, ask him—’ She looked up. ‘He found you,’ she said. ‘And of course, you weren’t to blame.’
He stared at her. ‘I don’t understand,’ he said.
She was looking over his shoulder, at someone who wasn’t there. ‘He wrote to me,’ she went on, ‘said he’d heard something interesting, about Muno Silsny and some unknown saviour; he had an idea, from something they’d found in Father Tutor’s papers after he died, before Deymeson was destroyed— He was on his way to find you, but he never got there. Robbers, they said, somewhere between Falcata and that foundry place.’ He glanced at her, but there was nothing to see. ‘So,’ she went on, ‘now all I’ve got left is you.’
The young, loathsome nobleman he’d been forced to kill, on the road, that miserable day with Chiruwa, when everything had gone wrong. Small world. ‘Me,’ he said.
‘That’s right.’ She was so calm it was frightening. ‘Our son’s dead, and that’s that. I finally stopped crying last week, when Turvo wrote and said he’d found you at last, in the forest. You know, I was ashamed. I caught myself thinking, my baby’s been murdered by some disgusting bandit, but Ciartan’s coming home, so that’s all right . . . I knew, of course: about you losing your memory, all the stuff about Xipho Dorunoxy. That was a horrible trick, don’t you think? Typical Deymeson; and now she’s got her baby and I’ve lost mine, but I’ve got you—’ She allowed herself one terrible, dry sob. ‘So I guess I’ve won, in the end. On points – isn’t that what the monks say about a duel, when both the fighters die but one of them was carved up a little bit more than the other?’ She reached out with her fingertips, violating his circle, touching the melted skin of his face. ‘I’ve got what’s left of you,’ she said. ‘Not your face, and not your memory, because they’re both gone for ever, but I’ve got what’s left, at the end. Is that winning, do you think? Winner takes all?’
‘I suppose,’ he said quietly.
She sighed, as if trying to clear all the air out of her body. ‘The one thing I always needed to know,’ she said, ‘and I never dared ask; because there was always the tiny risk, the million-to-one chance, that you’d give me an honest answer, tell me the truth . . . Now I can ask, and it’s all right, because you don’t know the bloody answer: did you love me? Really? Or was it always Xipho?’
I killed our son, because I had to, with the axe I found in the ditch in the field where I killed the crows; and she wants to know if I loved her. ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘I loved you very much. I had a dream about it.’
‘A dream with crows in?’
‘Yes.’
She closed her eyes, nodded. ‘That’s all right, then,’ she said. ‘There now, I’ve asked, and you’ve given me the answer I wanted to hear.’ She opened her eyes and smiled at him; it was like staring down a deep well. ‘Because I love you, Ciartan,’ she said. ‘I always have. I know you only married me because you wanted the connection with Dad, because you needed each other for business. I know what you thought of me – airhead, clothes horse, worthless little rich girl. Didn’t matter. It hurt so much that you despised me, because—’ She shook her head. ‘Doesn’t matter,’ she said. ‘You’re here now, and that’s the main thing. I rescued you, and I’m going to keep you safe, and you need me just to stay alive and I’m the only one who can protect you now.’ His face must have betrayed what he’d been thinking, because she laughed grimly, and said, ‘It wasn’t easy, mind, rescuing you. It was as though you didn’t want to be rescued. As soon as it was confirmed that it really was you at that foundry place, I sent Turvo’s best men to fetch you, but that idiotic old man in charge of the garrison – he thought they’d come to take you away to be killed, you see, and so he gave them that horrible Gain Aciava instead. And when he got here and we realised what’d happened, he figured out that I knew where you were, and reported back to his master, Cleapho; and so now we’re going to have a civil war, just because Brigadier Muno wanted to repay you for saving his nephew’s life. Everything to do with you goes horribly wrong sooner or later, which makes loving you ruinously expensive, if you see what I mean. This,’ she said, holding out her hand and showing him Muno Silsny’s badge. ‘When I heard that General Muno’d given this to you, I thought, now it’ll be all right, he’ll use it to come straight here, safely.’ She frowned. ‘You do know what this is, don’t you? It’s Dad’s personal warrant, you could’ve gone anywhere with this. I gave it to Muno Silsny specially, just in case it was you he was looking for. But no, you have to go and give it away to some beggar in the street . . .’ She paused, looked at him. ‘How did you get it back, by the way?’ she asked.
‘I met her again,’ Poldarn replied. ‘The old mad woman.’
‘Oh. How fortuitous. You always did have a habit of givin
g away expensive presents; like that stupid book, of course. When I think of the trouble I went to—’
Poldarn couldn’t help grinning. ‘But I got that back, too,’ he said. ‘Gain Aciava gave it to me, at the foundry.’
‘Really?’ She didn’t sound all that interested. ‘Well, they always did say you were lucky, Ciartan. If you got drunk and fell in the sewer you’d find a gold piece. After all, you gave me away when you turned against Dad, and here we are again.’
He looked up. ‘Did I?’
‘You don’t— No, of course, how silly of me. Yes, you were going to, though you never actually got round to it; and then he was too smart for you. He’s always been too smart for you, Ciartan, but there, I never did love you for your intelligence. Truth is, everybody’s smarter than you are; Dad, Cleapho, the new man, Xipho, Father Tutor. Even Gain Aciava, and he’s one notch below the little squirmy things you find in dead trees. Even—’ She grinned coldly. ‘Even silly little me. You always thought you were one step ahead, and all the time you were always one step behind, and someone else was leading you along like a pig to market. There, I’ve been meaning to tell you that for I don’t know how long, but I never had the nerve to actually come out and say it. But you’re mine now, so I can.’ She looked into his eyes for a moment, then shrugged. ‘The silly thing is,’ she said, ‘really, this is the crowning moment of my entire life, the one thing I’ve wanted ever since I was that silly young girl who loved you at first sight; I should be happy—’ She shuddered. ‘And this whole ghastly pantomime, with Turvo, pretending I was that bitch’s sister, just because I had to know: had you really lost your memory or was it just another ridiculous game? If you were coming back, was it just because you thought you’d be able to patch things up with Dad and save your miserable neck; had you really loved the bitch all along? But that’s all fine now, because when you said you wanted to kill Dad it sounded like you meant it; and of course, you’d know that Xipho Dorunoxy never had a sister. But the main thing is, you don’t know; you can’t remember if you ever really loved me, so that information is lost and gone for ever, and so there’s no danger at all that one day you’ll look me in the eye and say, No, I never cared a damn about you, it was all just pretending and lies. So I’m safe, and I’ve won. Isn’t that wonderful?’
Poldarn was thinking: all the cities burned and people killed, and all you can find to care about is love? You stupid bloody woman. But he said, ‘So what are we going to do now?’
She laughed. ‘Oh, anything you like,’ she said. ‘Anything at all. Don’t listen to them when they tell you Cleapho’s the second most powerful person in the Empire. My father’s the second most powerful person in the Empire; because there’s all sorts of things he can do but daren’t, but there’s nothing he wouldn’t do for me.’ She looked him over as though he was a new pair of shoes. ‘First,’ she said, ‘I think we’ll make your peace with Dad – he’d have had you killed like that if he thought I wouldn’t find out, but as soon as he realises I know you’re still alive and right here with me, that makes you the safest man in the world. Then I think we’ll get him to recognise you as the heir to the throne. After all, you’re my husband, and Choizen’s dead, Turvo’s not legitimate issue and the Empire isn’t really ready for a woman Emperor, so there isn’t actually any choice. Do you know, Turvo really likes you a lot? Reckons he owes you his life, and he always admired you, all through school. He even liked Choizen, which was more than I ever did; oh, I loved him, of course, but he was an obnoxious little monster, bumptious and vicious and so wanting to be Deymeson-trained like his father. He worshipped you, of course, which was easy enough for him to do since he’d practically never set eyes on you since he was a baby. Yes, I think that’s what we’ll do with you, my love: we’ll make you into an Emperor. That’ll serve you right for being with that bitch, even if you didn’t know what you were doing.’ Suddenly she laughed. ‘My God, Ciartan,’ she said, ‘you should see yourself. I’ve seen happier-looking faces nailed to the city gate.’
‘I was just thinking,’ he said softly. ‘You say you rescued me—’
‘I did rescue you.’
‘I believe you,’ he told her. ‘But you thought I was coming here to kill your father. How can you say you love me when—?’
She smiled at him as if he was simple. ‘Ciartan, my love,’ she said. ‘You’re my husband, he’s my father. What on earth makes you think I’d have a problem with loving men just because they’re murderers?’ She hesitated, and frowned. ‘You said that as if that wasn’t what you really came for,’ she said. ‘You aren’t trying to tell me you weren’t planning to kill him after all? Because I may be morally bankrupt, but I’m not stupid—’
‘It doesn’t matter,’ he said. ‘I’ve changed my mind. I don’t want to kill anyone any more.’
She looked at him quizzically. ‘Oh? How come?’
‘Because it doesn’t seem important now,’ he said. ‘I thought my life was empty, and suddenly it’s not.’
‘Because I love you?’
‘Because somebody— Because of something I did,’ he said slowly, ‘which I’d rather not tell you about. But now everything’s different; I don’t have to be the sort of man I used to be. I’d got it into my head that I had to put things right, and the only way someone like me could do that was by another killing, because that’s all I am, ever since I was sent here by my grandfather, and the monks and your father got hold of me, and they all wanted to use me as a weapon. First I thought I could get by just by running away. But everywhere I went and everything I did, I made trouble, and everything turned to blood and fire, and I had to assume it was me, who I really was. But if only I could escape from that, be someone else: I had the chance, you see – I woke up one day and my memory was gone; and now even my face. I’m trying to tell myself, everything bad I’ve done is just shadows thrown by the past, because no matter what I tell myself to do, I’ve always been looking back, trying to see what’s there.’ He looked at her, then looked away. ‘You know me much better than I do,’ he said. ‘What do you think? What I really came here to do was get rid of myself, and someone else as bad as me while I was at it, but that was really just an excuse. Do you think I can start again, properly this time?’
Her eyes were very wide. ‘No,’ she said. ‘There’s no way you could ever change, not so it’d make a difference. If you went away as far as it’s possible to go, where nobody knew you, it wouldn’t change anything: you’d still be exactly the same. Not even if you lived in an oasis in the desert, you’d be red to the wrists in someone’s blood inside a year. Oh, you aren’t evil, in the way that some people are. You just carry it around with you; like those people who don’t catch the plague themselves but give it to everybody they meet. I’m sorry, but that’s exactly who you are, and nothing’s ever going to change that.’
Poldarn sighed. He knew all that, but somehow hearing it from someone else, someone who knew him better than he could ever know himself, made it feel like being sentenced to death. ‘The most evil man in the world,’ he said. ‘I’ve been called that by several people who ought to know. Am I?’
‘Not evil,’ she said, ‘I just told you that. Like you said just now, you’re a weapon. Maybe if someone took hold of you and used you for something good, it’d be different. But if you take a step back and consider all the people in your life, you can see that’s not going to happen. And you can’t make it happen all by yourself. If you jump out of the scabbard, people just trip over you and cut themselves.’
‘I see,’ he said. ‘So, what are you planning to do with me?’
She smiled. Not affectionately. ‘I’m going to keep you,’ she said.
At some point, they made love, in the huge bedroom of his house. Afterwards, she rolled away and lay with her back to him. He drifted into sleep, and the river mud welled up around his face. He could hear voices above him; familiar, in a way.
‘So,’ said one of them, ‘you’re back. Welcome home.’
&
nbsp; ‘You haven’t won,’ the other voice replied. ‘You tricked me.’
‘Yes, didn’t I just? But the result’s the same. Here you are, back with me where you belong. That’s all that matters.’
‘You’re wrong.’ The other voice was quiet, determined. ‘You’ve got me here, and maybe you can force me to stay, but you can’t stop me hating you. And I always will, now that I’ve seen what it could be like, out there—’
‘Balls. Now you’re back, it won’t be a week before you slide back into the old routine. We were made for each other, you know that.’
‘No.’ The voice was almost shouting now. ‘You only ever made me do what you wanted by threatening me, and now I’m here, the worst’s happened. What are you going to threaten me with now? There’s nothing left.’
Laughter. ‘You really think so?’
‘You’re bluffing.’
‘You know that’s not true. Listen, I still have a few bits and pieces up my sleeve. I could tell you, and then you’d know; and once you knew, you could never even try and run away again, because there wouldn’t be any point. But I want to be nice, I don’t want to tell you if I can help it. After all, the only thing I’ve ever wanted is for you to be happy.’
‘I don’t believe you. I think the worst you ever had was what I’ve already found out. After all, nothing could be worse than that, apart from some of the things I’ve done since I left you. Eyvind and Choizen—’