by Linda Warren
Becca didn’t say anything, just hung her head.
“And I don’t believe Ginger’s mom said you could move in with them. You know how Mom feels about that woman and you only said it to upset her. Didn’t you?”
“Maybe,” Becca mumbled, fiddling with the hairbrush.
“Why did you do that? Don’t you care about Mom’s health? Stress brings on the spells with her heart.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Then stop trying to get your way in everything and show a little respect.”
“Okay,” she muttered, then asked, “Are you gonna take the dress back?”
Emily breathed deeply. “No, you can keep the dress, but I don’t want you to use me as a wedge against Mom, and I don’t want to hear any more talk about running away or moving out.”
“But she makes me so angry.”
Emily sat on the bed. “She makes me angry, too. I guess we’ll have to learn to live with it, because she is our mother and deserves our respect.”
“Yeah,” Becca agreed, glancing at Emily. “You’re not mad at me, are you?”
“No, I’m just tired of all the arguing.”
Becca threw her arms around Emily’s neck and hugged her. “I couldn’t stand it if you were mad at me.”
Emily stroked Becca’s hair. “Apologize to Mom and let’s try to have some harmony in this house.” She stood. “I’ll talk to you later.”
“Where are— Oh, you’re going to see him.”
“Yes, I am.”
“Wow,” Becca breathed dreamily. “Just think, after all these years, you meet again. It’s so romantic.” Her voice suddenly changed. “But Mom’s not taking his appearance too well.”
“I’ll handle Mom.”
“Okay.”
As Emily walked out of the room, she was no longer thinking of her mother but of Jackson. Talking to him would take all the tact she possessed. What she said would either fuse the past to the present or split the two apart forever, and she would never hear forgiveness from Jackson’s lips. And she needed that…desperately.
JACKSON PACED BACK AND FORTH, repeatedly glancing at his watch. Where was she? It had been more than two hours. Why wasn’t she here? Had she changed her mind? The questions went around and around in his head until he thought he’d go crazy. He picked up the phone to call the Cooper house, then put it down. He had to be patient, he told himself, but patience wasn’t something that came easily to him.
He threw himself down in a chair. He had treated her shabbily and she deserved better than that. She definitely didn’t deserve his anger. He berated himself as he’d done for hours now. All those years ago, he should’ve been there for her. He should’ve come back, or at least called, but he’d selfishly gone on with his life. He didn’t understand how he’d done that, especially since he’d loved her so much. Of course, his mother’s death had knocked him for a loop and he wasn’t thinking rationally. That was the excuse he kept making for himself, but the real truth was slowly emerging. He’d been scared, scared to death. He had loved his mother and he never wanted to have those deep feelings for anyone ever again. Because when you lost that person, the pain was too great. As long as he didn’t feel, he couldn’t hurt. So, like a coward, he’d put Emily out of his mind.
He was so engrossed in his own misery that he didn’t hear the first tap at the door. At the second tap, he was instantly on his feet and he yanked the door wide. Emily stood there looking tense and tired, but she was a beautiful sight to his eyes. “Come in,” he said quickly.
Emily took in the room at a glance—a suite actually, with a bedroom and sitting room. She wondered why he needed all this space.
“Nice accommodations,” she said as she took a chair. It was a stupid remark, but she had to say something to still the butterflies in her stomach.
Jackson sat opposite her on the love seat. “It was all they had available. Tourists are already coming to Rockport.”
“Yes, I’d forgotten. Peak season is starting. Every place will be busy until after Labor Day.”
The silence stretched, and for a few minutes, neither said anything else.
Emily was the first to speak. “You wanted to talk?”
Jackson moved to the edge of his seat. “I do, but I’m not sure where to begin. I guess before I do anything else, I should say I’m sorry.”
She swallowed the lump in her throat, trying not to read too much into that. “For what?”
“For getting angry and leaving so quickly when you told me about the baby.”
“I’m sure it’s a normal reaction when you’re told something like that.”
“No,” he denied. “Anger is never normal. I just had a hard time dealing with the news.”
“Well, it was an honest reaction.” She tried to keep her voice neutral.
“I suppose, but I didn’t stop to think about the reasons behind your actions. All I could think about was myself, my feelings, and I had to get away.” He took a breath.
“After some soul-searching, I see things more clearly. I didn’t come back the way I promised. I didn’t do anything I promised. So I don’t have a right to anger or anything else.” He paused. “But I would like to hear what happened to make you do something so drastic, and I’d like to hear about our daughter. I don’t even know when she was born.”
“August 15,” she said in a voice so low he had to strain to hear. “My parents sent me to live with my great-aunt in San Antonio. That’s where she was born.” Her eyes met his. “The same time you were there, starting your company.”
“Oh, my God.”
“When you told me that in the restaurant, I couldn’t believe it. I waited and waited for you to come back, and all along you were so close…but so far away.”
“Oh, Emily…”
“Why didn’t you come back? Why didn’t you?” The cry came from the deepest part of her soul. She hadn’t even realized she’d spoken the words aloud until she saw his devastated face.
Jackson’s tongue suddenly felt too big for his mouth and he couldn’t speak or swallow. He was locked in a void of pure agony—the agony he’d caused her.
“If you’d loved me, you would’ve come back.” The words seemed to emerge of their own volition. She wanted to stop them but couldn’t.
“I loved you more than any woman I’ve ever known,” he said softly, aware of the bitter aftertaste in his mouth. “After we left Rockport, you were all I could think about. That night I couldn’t sleep. I just kept remembering how you felt in my arms and I was so sure I’d never lose that feeling. But I did. When my parents told me about my mom, I became dead inside and I couldn’t feel anything except the grief. I’m sorry, Emily, but that’s the truth.”
She bit her lip to keep it from trembling. “I know, I shouldn’t have brought it up again.” She knew he was sorry and she understood about the past, but she supposed she had to hear him say it again.
“You have to tell me what you feel. We have to be honest with each other,” he said next, and he was right. “Emily, I—”
She held up her hand to stop him. She had to tell him everything now or she wouldn’t be able to. “When I discovered I was pregnant, I was terrified. I left messages for you, but you never returned any of my calls. I know now that you were dealing with a lot of pain, but it doesn’t change what happened.” She paused for a second.
“When my mother found out, she was like a mad-woman, ranting at me and calling me names. She said I’d shamed and disgraced the family. She became so upset the doctor insisted she stay in bed. He told us there was a danger she might lose the baby if she didn’t calm down. The news hit me hard. I had problems with Mom’s pregnancy, but I didn’t want her to lose her child. After my parents talked, Dad agreed with her and said I had to give the baby up for adoption. Mom couldn’t handle the stress, and it was the only thing to do. I nodded in agreement because I couldn’t cause them any more pain. But I couldn’t say the words. They made all the arrangements and I lived in a world
that didn’t seem real. I just existed, going through the motions. After graduation, my dad moved me to San Antonio.”
She looked down at her clasped hands, the words coming easily now. “My aunt was a religious person and she quoted scripture to me every day so I could repent of my sin. I stayed in my room most of the time, feeling banished by everyone I loved. Except my baby. When she kicked, I knew she was alive and that meant that I was, too. I never really accepted the fact that I’d have to give her up and in the end that made it much harder.”
Jackson got up and knelt on the floor by her chair. He had to be close to her because he was feeling such intense pain.
“Becca was born the first week in June, and I wanted to go home to be with them, but my parents wouldn’t let me. They were afraid someone might see I was pregnant. The birth weakened Mom’s heart and her baby was weak, too. I worried and worried about them until I made myself sick. Finally Dad called and said they were better and that he’d soon take them home. It was a big relief. I don’t know what I would’ve done if anything had happened to Becca.”
She inhaled deeply. “The stress took its toll on my body and my baby came early. Things happened so fast, it’s hard to recall that part. All I remember is a cold, sterile hospital room and the pain—excruciating pain that racked my body. And the tears…tears because I was all alone. Then I heard her crying and for a few minutes everything seemed fine, until they whisked her away to her waiting…parents. I screamed and begged, but nothing helped. The nurse said I’d done the right thing and these emotions would pass, but they haven’t. I hear her in my dreams. I see her in my dreams and I ache to hold her, but I never will. I don’t deserve to.”
“Emily, Emily,” Jackson whispered, and unable to resist, he wrapped his arms around her.
She melted into his embrace, needing his comfort more than she’d ever imagined.
“That’s not true,” he whispered into her hair.
She pulled back and dried her eyes with the back of one hand. “Yes, it is,” she whimpered. “I gave our child away. You have cause to hate me and every—”
Jackson cupped her face in his hands and looked into her watery eyes. “I don’t hate you. When you first told me, I was hurt, but now I understand that I have to accept part of the blame. It takes two to create a baby and it takes two to handle the responsibility, and I didn’t. I want you to know I deeply regret that.” When she didn’t respond, he said again, “I don’t hate you. Please believe me.”
She blinked back tears. “I know that adoption is right for some girls, but it wasn’t for me. I should’ve tried harder to keep her. I… How do I stop hating myself?”
He wiped her tears away with his thumbs. “I’m not sure, but I have an idea.”
His gentle touch sent a warm current through her body, chasing away the cold. “What?” she managed.
Jackson took an audible breath. “We find our daughter.”
She drew away, a frown on her face, as if she didn’t understand the words.
“Listen to me,” he said. “We have a daughter. Don’t you want to see her to reassure yourself that she’s okay and with a loving family?”
“Yes,” she murmured. She used to dream about finding her, and now Jackson was voicing something she dared not let herself believe—that she could actually see her child.
“Then let’s do it.”
She put a hand to her head, which was beginning to throb. For years she’d fantasized about this and she still had the same doubts. “I don’t think I can.”
“What do you mean?”
She clasped her hands and tried to explain. “If I see her, I don’t think I can walk away. I can’t let her go again. It would kill me.”
With his finger, Jackson lifted her chin, forcing her to look at him. “She’ll be eighteen in August and probably getting ready for college. Any way you look at it, we won’t be a big part of her life—that’s the sad fact. She’s already grown, but we’ll know where she is and that she’s well and happy.”
“We’d be disrupting her life, causing her a lot of pain. I can’t do that to her. I can’t hurt her again.”
“Emily, Emily.” Jackson rested his forehead against hers and tried to understand what she was feeling. “Ever since I’ve cooled down, it’s all I can think about, and I believe you want the same thing. So what’s holding you back? I can’t do this without you.”
She felt his breath on her cheek and heat rose up in her so strongly that it shocked her. It had been years, but her body remembered everything about him—his scent, his touch, his sensitive hands. She didn’t know why she was feeling such things when her mind was in chaos, but Jackson had always had that effect on her. Somehow, he could make her feel good about herself. She didn’t think that was possible…now.
From somewhere deep in her heart, she found the words she needed to say. “I’m scared. I’m so scared she’ll hate me like I hate myself.”
“That’s a chance you and I both have to take.”
She shook her head, still not convinced. “I don’t know.” A sliver of hope shot through the doubts and fears, and she had to ask, “Where do you think we should start?”
“At the beginning—with the agency that handled the adoption. And we’ll talk to your parents.”
Emily closed her eyes tight in pain. “They’ll hate this, especially my mom.”
“Do you care?”
“No,” she answered in a flash, and opened her eyes. She had just told her mother that she was old enough to make her own decisions and handle the consequences. And she meant every word. This choice was hers—hers and Jackson’s. Did she have the courage to do it?
The answer to that question was a resounding yes. Her heart began to race at the mere thought of seeing her daughter. For a moment it was so overwhelming that she had trouble breathing, but despite her euphoria, she had to establish one stipulation.
“Promise me something,” she said in a firm voice.
“Anything.”
“If we’re lucky enough to find her, promise me that if she’s happy and with a loving family, we won’t disrupt her life. We’ll walk away.”
“I’m not sure I can do that,” he admitted honestly. “A moment ago you said you couldn’t, either.”
“That was the weak me. I was thinking about myself. The strong me is thinking about her and I can’t survive hurting her. Just seeing her face and knowing she’s okay will be enough for me.”
“Are you sure?”
“No,” she said with a catch in her voice. “I’m not sure about any of this. All I know is that I have to see her.”
Her pain twisted his insides into knots and he realized he’d do anything she wanted. “I promise,” he said softly. “And I won’t break this promise, but you have to help me be strong…like you.”
She smiled slightly. He thought she was strong when in reality she was a mass of quivering nerves.
His gaze was riveted on the smile that lit up her beautiful face. Other emotions, basic and primal, stirred inside him. Her dark eyes were warm and glistening with so many feelings that screamed for sustenance…sustenance that had been deprived for way too long.
Without a second thought, Jackson touched his lips to hers. Her sweetness and softness was just as he remembered—and more. She affected his senses like no woman ever had.
His caressing touch and clean, male scent evoked memories of passionate nights. Happier times. Times she would never forget. Times she wanted to— Her thoughts stopped as she allowed herself to renew that bond. Her tongue met his and a hot ache curled through her. When his mouth opened over hers, she met his passion with a fervor of her own. They needed this, the intimacy, the closeness, to ease the hurt and anguish. For that moment they lost themselves in feeling.
The ringing of the phone shattered the mood and Jackson slowly drew away. They stared at each other a long second before he stood and answered the persistent phone. She heard him say, “Hi, Colton,” and everything after that went ove
r her head as she caught sight of herself in the mirror on the wall. Her hair was mussed, her lipstick smeared and her blouse askew. The sight was like a bolt of electricity to her brain. What was she doing? She was letting her emotions control her like she had years ago. She couldn’t do that again. She had to be in control; that was important to her. She had to look toward the future, and all she could see there was an unidentifiable face. Until she saw that face, she couldn’t let herself be swayed by inner yearnings that had nothing to do with the future.
She was an adult now and she had to admit the truth. She was attracted to Jackson, just as before, and he seemed to feel the same way, but now it was fueled by a love they shared for their child. That’s all it is, she told herself. That’s all it is.
Jackson hung up the phone and saw her worried expression. His heart seemed to tighten. She was regretting the kiss—that was all too clear. He’d kissed her outside the restaurant, but it wasn’t like this. They had put their hearts into it and it felt so right. At least to him. To her, it was obviously something else.
He inhaled deeply. “That was my business partner.” When she didn’t answer, he added, “I’m sorry.” It occurred to him that he was saying this a lot. With reason.
She tucked her hair behind her ear in a nervous gesture. “What for?” she asked, but she didn’t have to. She knew he was feeling the same things she was—a sense of being overwhelmed by events and grasping at emotions that weren’t real.
Then why did it feel so real? She ignored that voice inside her.
Taking a long breath, she tried to speak, but Jackson placed a finger over her lips. “Shh,” he whispered. “I didn’t want to rush you, but here I am doing exactly that. My only excuse is the effect you have on me…. But we can’t think about ourselves right now. We have to think about our daughter.”
“Yes,” she agreed wholeheartedly, but she needed his closeness to get through the days ahead. She wondered if he had any idea how much she needed him and how much she feared that need.
CHAPTER EIGHT