by Linda Warren
A few days later she called again. This time she said she’d decided not to go to college. She was planning to travel across the United States on a motorcycle with her boyfriend, Tommy. He had to restrain himself, but he felt it was a test—to see how he’d react.
When he didn’t say anything, she asked, “Aren’t you gonna try and talk me out of it?”
“Is that what you want me to do?”
Silence.
“I want you to be happy,” he finally said. “If traveling on a motorcycle will make you happy, then I’ll have to accept it, but I’d miss you terribly.”
“You would?”
Behind the words, he heard a desperate need for love. “You bet I would, angel.”
“What did you call me?”
“I’m sorry,” he said in apology, not wanting to rush her. “But in my head, that’s what I call you. My angel, my light at the end of a long, hard day.”
“Jeez.” She sighed, and Jackson waited for sharp, piercing words. They didn’t come and he felt they were making progress. He hoped they were. He wanted to ask about Emily and had to force himself not to.
After that, she called on a regular basis. It was, as he’d told her, the highlight of his day. One evening he was at his father’s trying to pacify George’s urgent need to see his granddaughter, when she called. Jackson was startled. She never called him at his dad’s. They talked for a while about school and graduation. George was cooking supper and he made some noise with a pot.
“Is that my grandfather?” she asked.
Jackson was taken aback by the question. Again he didn’t want to rush her, but he wouldn’t lie, either. “Yeah, he’s cooking us a bite to eat and you should taste his food— Artery-clogging specialties.”
Becca laughed. It was the first time he’d heard that bubbly, bright sound and it warmed his heart. “Can I say hi to him?”
He didn’t answer right away. His dad had been waiting for this moment, but Jackson wanted to be sure Becca was ready. “Okay, but Becca—”
“It’s all right,” she broke in. “I’d really like to talk to him.”
Jackson put the phone down and turned to his father. “Someone wants to talk to you.”
“If it’s Maudie, tell her I’m busy.” His dad was so engrossed in his cooking he hadn’t even realized who Jackson was talking to.
“It’s not Aunt Maude, it’s Becca.”
“What?” George whirled around, his eyes enormous in a pale face.
Jackson held the receiver out to him.
“It’s really my granddaughter?”
Jackson smiled. “Yeah, Dad, it’s really Becca and if you don’t hurry, she might hang up.”
George wiped his hands on a towel and took the receiver. Jackson noticed that his hand was shaking.
They talked for a few minutes, then George gave him back the phone, wiping away a tear. Jackson wanted to tell her how proud he was of her, but he didn’t. He let her talk; that seemed to be the course of their conversations. Soon he hung up.
“She invited me to her graduation,” George said excitedly.
“I know, she invited me, too.”
George frowned. “You’re not gonna ask me not to go, are you, son?”
“No,” Jackson replied. “She seems to want us there, and that’s good. I think she’s coming around, but we still have to be patient.”
George agreed, and Jackson knew his dad would do anything he had to. They both were willing to do whatever Becca needed. Jackson wondered if Emily was aware that Becca had invited them. Surely she was, and that gave him a good feeling. He could look at things more clearly now. Emily was dealing with a lot of raw emotion and she was fighting for her daughter—their daughter. He understood that. He was just sorry he’d gotten angry with her. He missed her so much, especially at night when she was all he thought about. He was hoping that graduation would prove to be a big night not only for Becca, but also for him and Emily. And maybe, just maybe, they could talk and he wouldn’t be coming back to Dallas for a while.
BY THE TIME GRADUATION came around, Emily was exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally. She didn’t know how much more of her daughter’s rebellious behavior she could take. Becca defied her at every turn. She stayed out late and started running with a wild crowd, but Emily dogged her every move, terrified that Becca’s rebellion would drive her to make the same mistakes Emily had made.
Emily wanted to call Jackson, but again she didn’t. She just kept hoping Becca’s attitude would change. Then, all of a sudden, it happened. Becca became subdued instead of aggressive, although, Emily had no idea why. Becca still talked to Jackson, and Emily was tempted to ask if she’d thought about inviting him to her graduation, but she didn’t do that, either. It had to be Becca’s decision.
But Emily did make a decision of her own. After graduation, they were moving to Houston, to her condo. Becca took the news relatively well. They didn’t even argue about it and for that Emily was grateful. She couldn’t handle the commute any longer. Getting up at four each morning had taken its toll on her emotional stamina.
Her parents were worried, but she assured them they’d be okay. She knew they would miss Becca; however, a change of environment would be good for everyone. Despite the stress in the household, Rose’s health had improved. Emily knew that was largely due to the fact that Becca was now Emily’s responsibility, and she realized that raising Becca had taken its toll on Rose’s health. Guilt had a lot to do with it, too, of course. Now that her secret was out, Rose was almost back to her old self, the mother Emily remembered from her childhood. Not only that, Rose and Becca were able to have civil conversations these days. That was the good thing that had come out of all this. Becca had forgiven Rose but Emily had to wonder if Becca would ever forgive her.
GRADUATION WAS A BIG NIGHT, and the place was packed. Emily wore a lavender suit and sat with Rose and Owen. She’d given Becca a gold-and-diamond watch for graduation; Becca had accepted it graciously. She didn’t throw it back in Emily’s face or say anything hurtful. Emily took that as a good omen for the evening.
As Becca walked across the stage to accept her diploma, Emily’s heart swelled with pride. This was her baby and she was graduating. Emily fought back tears. Becca was one of the top students in her class and Emily knew that if she applied herself she could do anything she wanted in this world.
When Becca walked offstage, she waved to someone and Emily strained to see who it was. Jackson. Her pulse hammered rapidly. Jackson was here, and it looked like Mr. Talbert was with him. Had Becca invited them? Why had no one said anything? The evening took a nosedive and she felt hurt and left out. Was this how Jackson had felt? Oh, God, there was too much hurt, too much suffering, and it had to stop.
She and Jackson should be here together, sharing this moment in joy and love, but the gulf between them seemed to be growing wider and wider.
JACKSON LOOKED ALL AROUND for Emily, but he couldn’t find her. After the ceremony, Becca rushed over to them. Jackson hugged her and she hugged him back, then he introduced George. Unable to resist, George hugged her, too. Jackson held his breath, but Becca just laughed her bubbly laugh.
Jackson pulled a velvet box from his suit pocket. “Something from Dad and me for your graduation.”
Becca popped open the lid. “Oh,” she breathed as she stared at the gold heart encircled with diamonds.
“It belonged to my mother. I thought you might like to have it.”
“Oh…it’s beautiful.” She glanced at Jackson. “Thank you. Put it on me, please.” Becca gathered her long hair, holding it away from her neck.
Jackson took the necklace from its resting place and fastened it. She fingered the pendant as it lay just below her chin.
“How does it look?” she asked.
“Not near as beautiful as the young lady wearing it,” George replied before Jackson could speak.
“Ah, jeez.” Becca grinned.
People were milling around them and J
ackson just had to ask. “Where’s Emily?”
Becca pointed across the room. “She’s over there. I guess you want to see her.”
A complete change came over Becca when he mentioned Emily, and he knew things were not good between them. Nevertheless, all three of them moved across the floor to where the Coopers stood. Despite the crowd, Jackson saw only one person—Emily. She looked gorgeous, but her eyes were tired and he could see the strain on her face.
Emily saw them coming and she stared at Jackson, gazing her fill. He was so handsome in that dark-blue suit and all she wanted to do was to throw her arms around him and forget everyone else in this room. But, of course, she didn’t. She politely shook hands, as did her parents.
Her cool reception threw Jackson. There was no welcome in her eyes—just hurt—and his heart sank. The evening was not turning out the way he’d hoped.
“You sure have a beautiful daughter, Emily,” George was saying.
“Thank you,” Emily replied courteously. “I think she’s just about perfect.”
“Yeah, right,” Becca sighed sarcastically, and Jackson knew for sure that things had deteriorated between them. What had happened?
George was startled by Becca’s tone, and Jackson started to step in and say something, but he’d promised to let Emily handle Becca. He had to keep that promise. His arms were aching to hold her, to ease the agony in her eyes, but until she asked for his help, he couldn’t do that, either.
Emily heard them saying their goodbyes, but she was stuck on the outer edge of reality and she couldn’t find her way back. The pain in her chest kept her hanging there, alone, with help from no one, and that was another cold truth she had to accept.
Jackson looked into her eyes for endless seconds, waiting for a sign, anything to show that she needed him. There was nothing. She seemed lost in a place he couldn’t reach. It frightened him and yet he was powerless to intervene.
As Jackson and his father walked away, Emily struggled to find her voice, but it was buried deep inside with all the hurt and pain.
Jackson, don’t go. Please come back.
The words rattled through her throat, then sank to the pit of her stomach—a heavy weight that threatened to take her down. Through sheer willpower, she maintained her balance. But the price was way too high and she didn’t know if she’d survive much more of this.
BEFORE THEY LEFT for Houston, Rose wanted to have a birthday party for Becca, but Becca adamantly refused, saying she wasn’t going to celebrate her birthday anymore. They acquiesced to her wishes; Emily thought it was just as well, because soon she’d be celebrating her real birthday. That transition had to be made, but as with everything else, it had to be done with great care.
The move to Houston went smoothly until Becca saw her room. She’d always had a room in Emily’s condo. During previous summers she’d spent a lot of weekends with Emily, whenever Rose would allow it. Emily had the bedroom decorated about five years ago in pink and white, and she’d recently felt it was time for a change. She’d called a decorator and most of the planning had been done on the phone. Emily had very little time, but she wanted the room ready for their homecoming. The color scheme was now cream, burgundy and deep pink. Emily hoped it would be a nice surprise for Becca; it was just the opposite. As Becca looked around, her eyes grew stormy.
“What happened to my room?” she demanded.
“I had it redecorated. Don’t you like it?”
“No, I hate it,” was the angry response. “I want my old room back.”
Emily had to take a deep breath. “I spent a lot of money to make your room special. I thought you’d be pleased.”
“Well, I’m not,” Becca spat, and flung long hair over her shoulder with a shake of her head. “You did this for her, not me. I was satisfied with my old room.”
Becca’s strange words had a calming effect on Emily. Clearly, she was still struggling with her identity—not knowing who she really was and hating that Emily lavished so much attention on the other Rebecca.
She took a step toward her. “You are her, Becca. You’re my daughter.”
“No,” Becca said, shaking her head again. “I can’t be her. I’m me. You can’t change me.”
“I’m not trying to change you,” Emily said lovingly, hoping to reach her.
“Yes, you are. You want me to be someone I’m not.”
Emily fought for words to convince her; their relationship depended on it. “I love you just the way you are. I love the same little girl who mailed her tooth to me when she was five.”
“Yeah, I had to because you weren’t around so I could give it to you,” she said sarcastically.
Emily let that pass. “I love the same seven-year-old who called me because she had a hundred-and-four-degree fever and wanted me with her.”
“It was the only way you’d come home.”
Again Emily didn’t react. “And I love the same thirteen-year-old who called me because she had her first period and was afraid. I came home immediately to reassure you.”
“Yeah, that was a shock.”
“You can say all the nasty things you want, but I’ve always been there for you in one way or another since you were born. We have a connection, and now I treasure it more than ever.”
Becca raised her troubled eyes to Emily. “You gave me away,” she cried, the words coming from deep within her. “You weren’t strong enough to fight for me. You gave me away.”
Guilt ripped through her. She gasped from the pain and struggled to keep her emotions in check—for Becca and herself. She’d been trying to talk to Becca for weeks and now that they were talking, she had to help her bridge that gap from past to present.
She let out a tight breath. “No, I wasn’t strong enough then, and I’ve suffered every day since for that weakness.” She had to pause as her throat thickened. “When I told you about my baby, I though you understood. You were very compassionate.”
“But it was me. I didn’t know it was me.”
Emily had to find the words to assuage her daughter’s pain without considering her own. “I didn’t, either, but I’m so glad it was you. At least you’re not with strangers and I’ve always been part of your life. That I’m very grateful for.”
Becca’s eyes pierced her. “Then why do you have to study my face and look at my baby pictures over and over? I’m still Becca, and you can’t find someone in me that I’m not.”
“Becca, I—”
“Don’t deny it, because you act weird and do things you wouldn’t normally do. Jackson doesn’t. He accepts me for who I am. Why can’t you? Why do you have to treat me differently?”
Intense pain gripped Emily as Becca’s words slammed through her. Becca was right; she was treating her differently. She was the reason Becca was so confused. She could see that now. Oh, God, she was driving her daughter away! She’d asked Jackson to back off when in reality she was the one who needed time to come to terms with the new revelation in her life. She was overwhelming Becca and frightening her—exactly what she’d told herself she wouldn’t do.
Gulping in air, she said, “I’m sorry, Becca. You’re right, I have been acting differently.”
Becca didn’t say anything.
“You see, I’m fighting to keep us together, but the truth is we’ve always been together, so I’ll stop rushing you and…and acting weird.”
“Fine,” Becca mumbled.
“I still have that tooth you mailed me.”
Becca made a face. “It probably stinks by now.”
“I don’t mind.” Emily wanted to sound lighthearted, although she was trying desperately not to fall apart. “And I’ll have the room changed back as soon as I can.”
Becca glanced around. “I guess it’s not so bad. The pink was getting too girlish.”
Emily bit her lip, grateful for this small concession. “Live with it awhile and then we’ll discuss it.”
“Whatever.”
Emily wanted to hold Becca, but Becca
wasn’t ready for that. Still, Emily felt they’d taken a step toward the future. At least they were talking. She would hold on to that and she would stop acting weird, as Becca called it. That was hard when all she wanted to do was surround her daughter with love.
THEY SETTLED INTO an easy routine. Becca seemed like her old self at times; at others she was sullen or subdued, but they were coping. Emily tried to get Becca to see her friend, the psychologist, but again Becca obstinately refused.
Emily got her a job at the clinic as Dr. Hillson’s receptionist. Things went relatively well for a couple of weeks, and Emily began to hope the worst was over. Then Mrs. Henry’s grandson, Dylan, came to visit. Mrs. Henry was an elderly neighbor with whom Emily had always had a pleasant relationship. Becca started to hang around with him, frequently inviting him to Emily’s place, where they watched TV and listened to music that got on her nerves. Emily didn’t like him. He had shifty eyes and she caught him staring openly at her body on several occasions. She wanted to slap his face and tell him to leave her home—but she didn’t. She and Becca were making progress and she didn’t want to ruin that.
Then Becca started missing work and Emily had to talk to her, which caused a big argument, but Becca promised to do better.
Things between her and Becca were increasingly strained because of Dylan and Emily’s objections to him. He was twenty-three, too mature for Becca, but Becca wouldn’t listen.
The urge to call Jackson was strong and she didn’t understand why she couldn’t just pick up the phone and do it. She loved him and wanted to spend the rest of her life with him, yet she couldn’t sink her pride enough to make the first move. Would the past never let her go?
It all came to a head one morning. Dr. Hillson’s secretary called to say that Becca hadn’t showed up again. Emily quickly phoned the condo, but there was no answer. She called Mrs. Henry, who said Becca had gone with Dylan to get a burger. She thought Emily knew. Emily told her to have Becca call as soon as she got back.