“Don’t be too hard on your superintendent. Covert actions are what I do for a living, remember.”
“Well, obviously. I mean…here you are.” Her expression was expectant. Clearly, she was waiting for him to explain his presence.
And he was going to do just that, too, as soon as he finished taking in his fill of her. She was utterly gorgeous. Tanned, shapely. Her dark hair fell like a silky waterfall around her shoulders. He wanted to kiss her…all over. She had her purse and keys in her hand. He could probably kiss them, too. Suddenly, the situation dawned on him. “You getting ready to go out?”
“There’s just no getting anything past you, is there?”
The honeymoon was over. She’d obviously remembered she was mad at him. But what exactly had he expected—another offer of sex? That damn Melanie had gotten him into this. “You’re still mad, aren’t you?”
“Yes.” Jamie hadn’t stepped out into the hall, nor had she asked him inside. She stood with her hand on the doorknob. “I have a right to be. You said some pretty awful things to me, Kellan.”
“I know. That’s why I brought these.” He shoved the flowers and the card at her. “To help me say I’m sorry and that on a scale of one to ten, I’m lower than pond scum. Forgive me?” He tried a grin and a bit of levity for good measure. “Please don’t pepper-spray me. I hate that.”
Despite herself, Jamie shook her head and finally chuckled, taking the flowers and the card he offered. “These are beautiful, thank you. And you are absolutely pathetic, do you know that?”
“Yes, I do. But I figured I was either way.”
“Either way? What do you mean?”
“Melanie told me yesterday that I was pathetic if I didn’t come over here and beg your forgiveness.”
Jamie’d been smelling the flowers and smiling her pleasure, but now her grin faded. “Oh, really? Melanie from the airport?” Kell nodded. “You…talked to her about us?”
Almost too late, he saw the yawning trap before him. He’d already stuck his foot squarely in the middle of it, but he didn’t see the sense in springing the trigger mechanism. “Only a little bit. All I said was I had behaved like an ass and you were angry at me. Deservedly so.”
Jamie’s eyes widened. “Oh?”
It was getting worse…like a runaway train. “Yes. And she told me I looked like hell and that I had to come tell you I was sorry. So here I am…and I’m sorry, Jamie. Sincerely sorry.”
She ignored his apology. “Would you be here now if Melanie hadn’t made you?”
“She didn’t make me.” Kell frowned at Jamie’s implication. “No one makes me do anything. She advised me. And I thought she was right.”
Jamie narrowed her eyes. “You didn’t answer my question.”
“Damn, Jamie, cut me some slack, okay? What difference does it make? I’m here, aren’t I? And I’m apologizing. Doesn’t that count for something?”
Jamie relaxed her posture, obviously relenting a bit. “You’re right. I’m sorry. But I have to know…did you tell her about the book deal?”
He exhaled sharply. “No, Jamie. I violated no confidences.”
“Good. What about us sleeping together?”
Obviously the interrogation was going to continue until she was satisfied. But that didn’t stop Kell from grinning and purposely misunderstanding her question. “Oh, I’m still all for that.” When she bristled, he added, “Hold on, I’m just teasing you. But, yes, I did tell her about the two of us.”
Jamie carefully, deliberately put the flowers on a table inside her door. The unopened card followed.
Kell watched her dismissive actions, thinking of all the time and thought he’d put into selecting his gifts. No way was he going to allow her to just set them aside. He pointed at the card. “You ought to open that. There might be money inside.”
“You put money in the card?”
Now he heard how that sounded. Yesterday…sex. Today…money. “No. Of course not. It was a bad joke.” Silence. “Forget it.”
Jamie poked out her bottom lip. “What else did you tell Melanie?”
Wearied of this line of questioning, Kell exhaled. “Jamie, look, I have found myself in obscure foreign countries in the middle of big fields that were riddled with land mines. Successfully navigating through them was less treacherous than this conversation is.”
Jamie’s expression softened. “I’m sorry, Kell. You’re right. I think the whole Melanie thing threw me. She’s just so gorgeous and that’s intimidating. And to know you talked to her about us…well, I—”
“Hey, worry less about her and think of me, okay? Melanie’s a friend, a good friend. That’s all. And I’m trying to be nice here. Hell, I even got a haircut. I don’t know what else to do. If you can’t forgive me, then I’ll just…go away.”
She reached out to him. “Please don’t go away.”
“I don’t want to. But I don’t know what else to do. All I want is another chance. Just tell me what I have to do to be forgiven. I’ll do anything.”
She’d listened quietly, but now she raised an eyebrow. Then her expression brightened. “Do you mean that? Anything?”
He was a dead man. The sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach attested to it. “I don’t like that look. I’m betting that whatever you’re thinking doesn’t have anything to do with door-to-door sex.”
“You’re right. It doesn’t.” Now clearly a woman on a mission, Jamie nimbly stepped outside her apartment, closed the door and locked it behind her. She zipped around to face Kell. Her face was alight with glee. “You’re going to go to Dr. Hampton’s office with me.”
The name rang a bell. Kell frowned. “Refresh my memory. Who is Dr. Hampton?”
“My shrink. Or counselor. Professor. Whatever. The man who’s holding my life hostage because he won’t sign a simple piece of paper allowing me to practice psychology and make a fortune. Anyway, you’re going to go with me this afternoon—that’s where I was headed—and you’re going to tell him that we have finally achieved closure—”
“We have?”
“Of course we have, silly.” She leaned in to him and lightly kissed him on the lips. “You’re forgiven, by the way.”
“Well, good. But I don’t know, Jamie—”
She put her hand on her hip.
She was right. What did it matter if he didn’t understand the concept of closure? She was the professional here. He threw his hands up. “All right. I give. Closure it is. Lead the way, my friend.”
Jamie brightened, and launched herself into his arms, planting kisses all over his face. “Oh, Kell, thank you. This means so much to me. I love you.”
Kell held her tight and tried to get in a few kisses and words of his own. “I love you, too, Jamie. You’re welcome.”
He just hoped she wouldn’t mind if he asked the good Dr. Hampton a few questions of his own about the nature of closure. Just to be sure.
6
JAMIE COULD HAVE cheerfully choked the life out of Kellan Chance—even if she’d have to spend the rest of her life in prison. Even the specter of incarceration and a chain-gang existence couldn’t deter her from her death wish for the man. There they’d been, innocently sitting side by side on the couch in Dr. Hampton’s inner office, with her blithely telling Dr. Hampton that she and Kell had achieved closure, when suddenly Kell had said he had some questions.
Talk about betrayal. No wonder I have problems with commitment. Jamie crossed her arms over her chest and silently fumed as the men talked about her as if she weren’t there. And she couldn’t do a thing about it, either! After all, she was the one who’d asked Dr. Hampton if Kell could sit in on her session. She was the one who’d told him that Kell had something important to say. And she was the one who’d been royally set up. Never trust a SEAL. That was her new motto.
“So, Dr. Hampton,” Kell asked, “what’s a good working definition of closure? I’m not sure Jamie has ever really given me one. So how can I say for sure that we have it if
I don’t know what it is?”
“Point taken.” Dr. Hampton stroked his beard and nodded. “Closure. Let me see if I can put it in lay terms, Commander Chance. I suppose you’d say it was an end point, really. It’s not about happy or unhappy endings. What it is about is closing a door on a situation or a relationship in such a way that you can peacefully live with it. It’s an acknowledgment that something or even someone didn’t turn out how you’d have liked, but you know you did everything you could do to affect a good outcome. It’s knowing that you’re okay with the situation and can move on.”
“Hmm,” Kell said thoughtfully. “So, basically, it’s about letting go?”
“That’s an excellent way of putting it. It’s essentially living with the realization that not all relationships are going to be as you’d have them. But it goes beyond that, too. Because it’s not a closure until you can truly live with the situation or the decision of another.”
“I see. Until I can sleep at night without drugs and then face myself in the mirror every day when I shave.”
“Uh, well, yes, that’s one way of putting it, Commander. You’re a very astute thinker.”
Jamie rolled her eyes. Oh, please. The Mutual Admiration Society meeting will now come to order. She glared at Kell, only to see him staring…and grinning…right back at her. It took every adult instinct Jamie possessed not to stick her tongue out at him.
Kell chuckled, then turned to face Dr. Hampton. “Thank you, Dr. Hampton. I appreciate the explanation. Unfortunately, though, I have to admit that Jamie and I aren’t anywhere near having closure. Not yet.”
Jamie gasped, grabbing Kell’s shirtsleeve. “Of course we are, Kellan Chance. I’m over you.” She poked him with her finger, then looked at Dr. Hampton. “Really, I am!”
Dr. Hampton shifted in his leather-upholstered chair as if he was uncomfortable. He kept looking at Jamie as if he’d never met her before and was a bit alarmed by the desperation she was displaying.
Jamie rushed on. “He’s just angry because I’m over him. He even accused me of having sex with him to get him to come here and say we have achieved closure.”
Dr. Hampton’s eyes rounded as he looked from her…to Kell, who nodded…and back to her. “If that’s true, then this is a very serious charge, Jamie. And extremely unethical on your part.”
Jamie froze…and then began perspiring. She hadn’t thought of her bright idea to bring Kell here today for a quick fix to her licensing dilemma in those terms. But now she could see that was exactly what she’d done—jeopardized her career by holding her forgiveness over Kell’s head in exchange for getting him to lie for her. She hung her head. She didn’t deserve to be in practice. Knowing what she had to do, she opened her mouth to confess—but Kell jumped in first.
“That’s not it Dr. Hampton. The sex was three days ago and had nothing to do with today. She was right to be angry about the things I said to her. In fact, it wasn’t until I went over to her place today that she invited me to come with her today.”
“Kell,” Jamie said quietly. “You’re lying and you know it. What I did was despicable and I should pay for it.”
Kell took Jamie’s hands in his. “You’re not despicable, Jamie you’re the most honorable person I know. I was the one out of line, not you.”
She couldn’t have loved him more than she did at this moment. But neither could she allow him to compromise himself. Kell believed in duty and honor. This would cost him heavily consciencewise and it was up to her to make things right. “But, Kell, I did ask you to come here today to say we had achieved closure.”
He nodded. “You did. And I came because I thought, at that time, that we did have closure. But then Dr. Hampton defined the concept for me. And then I realized that maybe we really didn’t have it. So, see? You didn’t lie. I just changed my mind.”
“You did not.” Jamie glanced down at her hands, held tightly in his. It looked so right. And yet, everything else was so wrong. When had it ever been any different? “You’re just trying to protect me.”
Kell released her hands and gently raised her chin. His dark eyes were clear, his voice unwavering in its sincerity. “I’m not lying.”
Jamie felt she didn’t deserve this man. “You are. I know you, and I can tell.”
Kell sat back. “I’m not so sure you do know me, Jamie. I’ve changed.”
“You keep saying that, but I don’t see how.”
“You don’t? Well, I have a desk job now at the base. I’m not putting my life on the line anymore. That’s a major change.”
A shocking one, too. “A desk job? Why do you have a desk job?”
He shrugged. “All I can say is that it has something to do with how I was wounded. And here’s another way I’ve changed. I’m here with you now in a psychologist’s office, trying to come to some kind of understanding about our relationship. That’s another change.”
It was, and she was forced to concede as much. “You’re right. You’d always said therapy was just a bunch of psycho mumbo jumbo.”
Dr. Hampton cleared his throat. “Excuse me, if I may break in at this point…with a bit of, uh, psycho mumbo jumbo?”
Jamie had forgotten the doctor was in the room.
When they turned to look at him, Dr. Hampton said, “Thank you. May I just say that the two of you behave as if you’ve been married for ten years? And I’m not so sure I mean that totally in a bad way. But my comment speaks to the obvious, the years of intimacy and caring—and disagreements—between the two of you that keep you at odds with each other, unable to resolve your differences.”
Hearing the note of censure in his voice, despite his somewhat reassuring assessment, Jamie sat quietly looking down at her lap. Could this be worse? She glanced up at Kell. He looked as guilty as she felt, but his expression was also tinged with little-boy belligerence. He looked so endearing, that it was hard for her not to laugh. She firmed her lips together and bit down on the inside of her cheek, believing that to laugh now would certainly end her career before it ever got off the ground.
“Well, then, having said that,” Dr. Hampton said into the silence, “allow me also to say that I am just going to forget what you told me about the circumstances that brought you both here today. Instead, I’d like to focus on what I’ve been hearing. We’ve got something to build with here. You two obviously care very much for each other, but are no closer to closure than China is geographically to North Dakota. So here’s my proposal.”
Dr. Hampton took a breath and consulted his notes. Jamie couldn’t help feeling a thrill, hearing his assessment that she and Kell cared very much for each other. It was that obvious to a third party? That had to mean something. She exchanged a here-we-go glance with Kell and then looked at Dr. Hampton.
“I’ll start with you, Jamie. You still have a fair amount of time left to clear this situation up.”
She nodded. Then Kell cut in. “And I’m already on a thirty-day leave, sir.”
“Yes, you mentioned a wound of some sort. I assume you’re all right?”
He shrugged. “Yeah. It was a line-of-duty thing.”
“I understand. Still, it’s very generous of you, Commander Chance, to give of your time.” Dr. Hampton then addressed them both. “What I want you to do in the time that remains to you, if you’ll both agree, is to behave differently toward each other. And by that, I mean you are to proceed as if you have no past together. As if you’d never met before now, this very minute, right here in my office.”
Jamie frowned, not sure where he was going with this. “You mean like strangers? I don’t see how that would help us resolve our past issues.”
“Let me finish. After everything I’ve just observed, I now believe your only chance at some sort of closure that is acceptable to you both is if you do remain in each other’s lives. Am I right?”
Jamie wanted to jump up and yell that yes he was right, but she wasn’t about to do that if Kell didn’t feel the same way. She looked at him. He was looki
ng at her. His dark eyes met hers and held. Neither one spoke.
“I see no one wishes to contradict me,” Dr. Hampton said, amusement in his voice. “Therefore, I shall proceed. I’m beginning to think the reason you two can’t achieve any kind of closure is because you’re victims of that old saying ‘Can’t live with him, can’t live without him.’ And why? Because, I believe, you continue to behave toward each other exactly the way you always have. You won’t allow the other one to be different. And can’t trust that the other one actually may have changed. Are we in agreement so far?”
“I’m with you, Dr. Hampton,” Kell said. He turned to Jamie, who couldn’t believe this most reasonable of beings sitting next to her was the Kellan Chance she knew. “I think I get it, Jamie. I’ve only ever taken physical risks, as if putting my life on the line proves I’m alive. When in truth I’m only alive if I have you.”
Tears rounded Jamie’s eyes. “Do you know how long I’ve waited to hear you say that, Kell? To know that you’d realize how precious you are to me and how I need you safe and by my side?”
Kell reached over to clasp her hand. Thus encouraged, Jamie looked to Dr. Hampton. “All right, apparently we’re going to try to make this work. How do we go about this plan of yours?”
“It’s simple, actually. You need to retrace your steps through all the stages of your relationship. The first one is a rekindling of your friendship, a rediscovery and acknowledgment of the other one’s traits that you admire. From there, you start to date. But you’ll do it as two people who’ve only just met,” Dr. Hampton informed them. “In other words, you can bring up no recriminations about past behaviors or failed attempts at a relationship because you never had one.”
“Sounds like…fun,” Kell said, grimacing slightly.
Jamie darted a glance his way, wondering if he was pulling back because of the warm, intense things he’d just said to her. He had to be as startled as she was that he’d revealed such personal insight. The poor guy. He’d probably never really questioned himself or his behavior before now. These new feelings had to be unsettling.
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