After showering and climbing into bed, Jillian turned her attention to this question. What was it about her difficulty with Angela that was giving her so much trouble?
As she sorted through her feelings, she noticed that any thought about love seemed to be ruffling her a little. It surprised her that this would be the case. How many times had she told a man she loved him? Plenty. But had she meant it?
Love was an easy word for her to say. She loved her friends, her extended family—she made it a point to love as many people as she could. But when she said she loved the men she dated, did she mean that she was in love with them, or was it just the kind of love she felt for everyone else?
She curled up around her pillow and closed her eyes. Maybe that would explain why she never missed any of the men she was once with. She never felt heartbroken when things ended. Was it because she had never truly been in love?
The thought horrified her. She was a life coach who specialized in romance. How could she counsel women on their romantic choices if she had no personal experience with love herself?
Never once had she felt the kind of anger that seemed to bubble up inside of Mateo. Did that mean she’d never known passion either? If that was the case, then why? What stopped her from allowing that kind of love?
She fell asleep to the memory of her parents dancing before their accident. Their laughter echoed through her mind. She had a beautiful example of romance, of two people who’d adored one another. If it was true that she’d been avoiding love all this time, it made no sense to her.
When Jillian awoke the next morning, she was relieved not to hear music or power tools. She stretched out in bed and yawned. The birds, eager to get to their breakfast, fluttered and tweeted outside the window. Everything was calm again.
Except it wasn’t. Because her first thought was of Mateo.
The way he’d pulled away from her—his resistance to communication—was a challenge to her. She had encountered a few difficult clients, so tightlipped that she pulled their stories out one word at a time. But she always got it. She wanted to do the same thing with Mateo.
But first, it was time to deal with the strange fluctuations in her emotions and her newfound discovery that she might not be as balanced as she thought she was.
She changed into her white gown and settled down in the stream of sunlight that filtered through the tall window. After a few deep breaths, she began to feel lighter—distant from the world around her. All her concerns faded and her mind finally, for the first time in days, cleared.
The first image that came to her mind was Mateo—his eyes, in particular—and the pain they seemed to hold. All at once she experienced a surge of recognition, as if she too was familiar with that kind of pain. But how?
She let the thought go and allowed more to come. She became aware of a tremble in the core of her, followed by thoughts of her parents. Usually these memories provided her with joy, but in the moment, she experienced a sense of fury.
How could she be angry at them? It wasn’t their fault that they were killed in the accident. Though she’d grieved for many years, she’d never been angry at her parents for leaving her. In fact, she’d always felt great comfort in the knowledge that they’d been together when they died.
Where were all of these foreign emotions coming from? Was it possible that there was another layer of herself that she’d yet to discover? The idea caused her eyes to open wide. Maybe there was.
She glossed over the subtle hints that something wasn’t right. If she had a client who had yet to maintain a serious relationship despite the fact that she had many opportunities, her first thought would be commitment issues. But she’d never really considered that for herself.
Jillian left the sanctuary of the window seat to change clothes. Maybe a walk by the lake would help to clear her thoughts as the revelation of her meditation was making her feel more than a little uneasy.
She saw Mateo climbing up a ladder against his house as she stepped outside.
“Too early?” He glanced over his shoulder at her.
“No, it’s perfect timing, actually.” She stared up at him and wondered—how did a stranger have the power to stir up truths within her that she had been avoiding for years?
Chapter 16
“Good.” Mateo tried to concentrate as he turned back to the nail he needed to drive in.
When he swung the hammer, his hyper-awareness of her presence distracted him. He caught the side of his thumb with the hammer.
“Ouch!” He dropped the hammer as he grabbed his thumb.
Jillian bent down and picked it up. When she held it up to him she frowned. “Need some ice?”
“No, I’ll be fine.” He took the hammer from her. “Thanks.”
He narrowed his eyes as he looked back at the nail. Before he could draw the hammer back to take another swing the nail fell out of the wood and down to the ground below. “Ugh! Just what I need!”
The more frustrated he got, the harder it was for him to think about the fact that Jillian was nearby watching his every failure. After the day before, she probably already thought he was a hothead. Seeing it firsthand only made things worse.
He expected her to walk away, but instead she leaned against the wall beside the ladder.
“Can you take a break?”
He looked down at her. “Already?”
“You need to see something beautiful.”
He caught himself before telling her that he’d already seen something beautiful that morning. His body ached from the work he’d done the day before. His hands were still a little sore. The truth was, he could really use the break that she suggested. “Just a short break.” He climbed down the ladder.
“Great.” She took his hand in hers as if it was the most natural thing for her.
He winced at the fresh pain that her grasp caused, but managed to hide it.
“Where are you taking me?” He eyed her suspiciously.
“Just relax, you’re going to like it.”
“Relax? In case you hadn’t notice, that’s not a skill I have.” He laughed.
“Well, it’s a skill that you need to learn. I want to show you the most beautiful thing about living here.”
“Remember, I’m not staying.” He allowed Jillian to lead him down the path toward the lake.
“You’re here now, aren’t you?” She paused to look at him.
“Yes.” His eyes searched hers. “I am here now.”
She grinned and tugged him further along the path. The trees grew thicker by the lake. He noticed that the leaves were a multitude of colors. Despite the fact that his house was right on the lake, he’d yet to explore the woods that surrounded it.
Jillian was quiet as she led the way. It gave him the opportunity to study her in a way that he hadn’t been able to before. Her frame was petite, but strong, and from the way she moved, he guessed she was a very active person. None of that explained the pull she seemed to have on him though.
“Do you walk here often?”
“Usually every day.” She turned down a path that led closer to the water. “Here, take a look.” She reached back and took his hand again.
When he looked past her at the lake, the vision before him was enough to take his breath away. The lake sloped away from him, while the trees on the other side stretched high against the pale blue sky. He’d looked at the lake before, but this was the first time he’d truly seen it—really taken in the beauty of it.
With her hand still in his he stepped down beside her. “It’s stunning.”
“This is my favorite place to run away to.” She smiled as she glanced over at him.
He looked back at her. “What do you have to run away from? Other than noisy neighbors?”
“Honestly, I’m not sure. I used to think I had everything in balance, but now…I think I may have been lying to myself.”
He looked into her eyes. It fascinated him that she had such an open nature. “Why do you think that?”
/>
“We’re here to look at the view.” She smiled and turned back to the lake.
He saw her shiver. The morning air was a little chilly.
“Are you cold?” He wrapped an arm around her shoulders.
The motion silenced them both for a few seconds. He knew that he might have overstepped, but she didn’t pull away. In fact, he felt her curve her body close against his.
“What about you, Mateo? What are you running away from?”
He closed his eyes. He knew exactly what he was running away from. “The biggest mistake of my life.”
“Buying the house?”
“No. Buying into love.” He gazed out across the water. She turned out from under his arm and looked at him.
“Do you really mean that?”
“Why wouldn’t I?” He raised an eyebrow. “Love destroyed my life.” He let his hand fall back to his side.
“Love isn’t destructive.”
“Says you.” He smirked a little. “In my experience, it’s been incredibly destructive. I don’t understand why anyone would take the risk of letting their life revolve around one person, if it meant that things could turn out so horrible.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way, Mateo. Maybe she just wasn’t the right person for you.”
“She was.” He kicked a rock with the toe of his shoe. “She was the only person for me.” He glanced up at her and hesitated. He wouldn’t normally share so much with anyone, but Jillian’s calm accepting presence created a sense of safety for him. “I can’t imagine ever loving anyone else.”
“You just need to give it time. You might be hurt now, but your heart will open again.” Her fingertips grazed the surface of his chest.
He looked from her hand to her.
“No, I don’t think so.” His hand wrapped around hers and held it against his chest for a moment. “The only thing I’m sure of is that I’ll never take that risk again.”
Jillian offered a secretive smile, as if she knew something he didn’t.
The expression frustrated him. He brushed her hand away from his chest. “I mean it, Jillian. This kind of pain”—he shook his head—“only a fool would risk going through it twice.”
Chapter 17
As her hand drifted back to her side, Jillian saw the ferocity in Mateo’s eyes and heard the venom in his voice. It was clear to her that the thought of love triggered him. She couldn’t imagine what that kind of heartbreak felt like, though she guessed it might be similar to how she’d felt when her parents died.
“It hurts now, Mateo, there’s no doubt about that. But it will get easier with time.”
“Jillian, I appreciate the walk, but we have different views on things. This isn’t something that will get easier. I don’t even remember myself without this anger inside me. Like you mentioned—yes, it is exhausting to live like this.”
“You don’t have to live like this, Mateo.” An irresistible urge drove her hand up to the curve of his cheek. “No one deserves to suffer this way. You have a choice. You can dwell within it, or you can move on from it.”
He turned his cheek into her hand a little, as if he enjoyed the sensation of her touch. “It’s all so simple to you. Isn’t it?” He met her eyes.
“No.” She held his gaze and let her hand linger on his cheek. “None of it is simple. Life can be so very difficult sometimes. But the first step to healing is deciding that you’d rather be whole than angry.”
He turned away from her with a sharp motion.
She experienced it like the snap of a branch, quick and final.
“You think I choose to feel this way? You think it’s something I enjoy?”
“No, I don’t think that. That’s not what I meant.”
His shoulders tensed as he stared out over the lake.
She continued. “Sometimes anger can become like a shield—one we’re too afraid to step away from.”
When he swung back toward her she took a slight step back at the sight of the fire in his eyes. “I’m not afraid of anything.”
“Except this?” She swallowed hard and cupped both of his cheeks with her hands. Her heart fluttered with a hint of fear at his unpredictable anger. “You’re afraid of this anger that you can’t control.”
His lips tensed.
She expected him to spew angry words, even shove her away from him.
Instead, he reached up and placed his hands over hers. He held them there against his cheeks.
She could barely draw a breath as he gazed into her eyes. She parted her lips to speak, to reassure him that his emotions were valid, that his feelings mattered, but before she could form a word, his lips drew close to hers.
With her hands still pinned against his cheeks, she couldn’t push him away. The truth was, she didn’t feel the urge to. In fact, before she could think about what she was doing, she met his lips halfway.
The kiss sparked within her a roar that seemed to carry through her entire body—from the beat of her heart to the rush of her thoughts. The intensity of the sensation wiped away all thoughts of caution or questions about her motives.
Gingerly, she broke the kiss.
Mateo’s eyes remained half-closed for a moment, and his lips lurched toward hers as if he might kiss her again.
She turned her head before he could. Her heart fluttered as the magic of the moment dispersed into subtle panic.
She started walking along the path once more.
Mateo didn’t follow her. He didn’t call out to her either.
After a few seconds she glanced back at him. He stood right where she’d left him, his gaze fixed on her. When she met his eyes he began to walk toward her.
She waited until he was beside her, then she began to walk again. She didn’t make any attempt to speak.
After some time, he stopped by the water. His jaw tensed as he seemed to be gazing down at his own reflection in the water.
She lingered a few feet away. It occurred to her that something should be said, but she had no idea what that something was. For once, she was at a loss for words.
“We should talk about it,” he said, still looking at the water.
“Talk about what?”
“The kiss.” He looked over at her.
She smiled as he met her eyes. “What’s to talk about? It was just a kiss. It doesn’t have to mean anything.” She shrugged.
“It doesn’t?” He searched her eyes.
“Not unless you want it to. Do you?” She shifted her gaze to the water.
“You won’t be angry if I say no?” He took a step closer to her.
“No. We’re neighbors—and I hope that we can be friends. There shouldn’t be anything awkward between us. A kiss can just be a kiss.” She stole a glance back at him. She could see his relief in the way his entire body relaxed.
“Oh, good. I don’t know what came over me. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”
“Too bad.” She offered a playful pout. “I enjoyed it.”
His expression warmed as he stared at her. For a moment she thought he was going to try for another kiss. Instead, he shook his head. “I should get back to work.”
“You’re right. I’ve distracted you.” She looked back out at the water. “I just wanted you to take a moment to see the beauty that surrounds you.”
“I see it.” He met her eyes as she looked back at him. “I definitely see it now.” He turned and walked back along the path toward the houses.
Jillian stared at him as he walked away, but didn’t follow. When she was sure he was far enough away not to see her, she reached up and stroked her fingertips across her lips. They still buzzed with the memory of his kiss. Her heart was in her throat; her body tingled from the tips of her toes to the top of her head. He’d kissed her on the mouth, but her entire body had experienced the passion of it. No kiss had ever felt like that before.
She closed her eyes and let the feeling wash over her. She could enjoy it for the moment, but only for the moment. Mateo had made
it quite clear that he wasn’t looking for anything more, and she had no idea how she could ever get involved with a man with so much to work through. She needed a levelheaded, spiritual, open-minded partner—not someone who would be infuriated by the thought of love.
“Let it go, Jillian. This isn’t what you think.” She shook her head and took a deep breath of the fresh fall air.
Maybe Mateo was there to teach her something, but it certainly wasn’t going to be about love.
Chapter 18
It took every ounce of willpower Mateo possessed not to pull Jillian back to him when she’d turned away from his attempt at another kiss. In that moment, he was sure that she’d regretted it. She didn’t mean to kiss him. She was just being polite and sympathetic. It was a pity kiss. Even when she’d teased him about enjoying it, he knew better. She wasn’t the type to ever be with a man like him—so rough around the edges.
Not that it mattered. He meant what he’d said. He’d never take that risk again. But the thought of her lips on his was enough to drive his senses crazy.
He forced himself to walk back up the path toward his house. Some hard work would hopefully distract him from the mistake he’d just made. After every few steps, he glanced back over his shoulder. He wasn’t sure what he expected. Would she come after him? Did she mean what she’d said—that a kiss could just be a kiss?
When he reached his house, a familiar car parked in the driveway left him breathless. There she was—with her hands on her hips and her head tilted back. He could sense her assessing the home, judging his progress on the repairs, picking out flaws in his work. A part of him wanted to run right back into the woods. Her presence was not going to be good for his temper. Still, it wouldn’t matter if he hid out in the woods, she would hunt him down.
He paused at the edge of the driveway. “Kate.”
She spun around to face him. He could see it in her eyes—the victory. It glowed from the depths of her as she swept her gaze up and down his body.
To Hope Again: A Sweet Romance (Forty and Free Book 3) Page 6