“No?” He smiled a little and met her eyes.
“No.” She smiled in return.
“Maybe you just don’t know me very well.”
“Maybe. Or maybe I know that in your heart, you wouldn’t wish harm on anyone, even Kate.”
“Don’t say her name.” He groaned and looked up at the sky. “What part of I don’t want to talk about it don’t you understand?”
“The part where you need to talk about it. Harboring all of those emotions inside isn’t good. It’ll ruin your focus on anything and everything.”
He sighed and looked over at her again. “You’re pretty good at what you do, aren’t you?”
“I like to think so.”
“Then maybe I need to hire you.”
“I’m here, free of charge.” She pointed to a small island on the lake. “Why don’t we take a break? We can explore the island.”
“Alright.” He followed her lead as she pulled the kayak up on to the sandy shore.
When she climbed out of her kayak, he was right there to offer her a hand. The moment she touched him that crazy rush overcame her again. She stared at him as the wave of desire ebbed. How did he cause that in her?
If he felt something similar, he didn’t show it. He looked over the island. It was really just a small patch of land with a few trees. “This is nice. Wouldn’t it be nice to build a house on it?”
“You can’t hide from the world, Mateo, it always finds you.”
“Only if you don’t try hard enough.”
“What happened with you and Kate?” She met his eyes.
He broke the connection and began to walk further across the island.
She matched his pace.
“She hates me.”
“Why?” She kept an eye on him as she navigated the underbrush.
“I don’t know. I was too cold, too unavailable, too angry, too focused on work, too lazy, too everything.” He shook his head and clenched his jaw.
“I’m sorry, that must hurt you.” She touched the curve of his arm. “That she thinks of you that way.”
“I don’t care.” He shrugged her hand away.
“Sure you do.”
“No, I don’t.” He turned to face her. “I hate her too. Is that what you want to hear?”
“It would be, if it was the truth.” Jillian stared into his eyes and tried to be as open and accepting as possible. She wanted him to know that she supported him, that he was safe with her.
“What are you talking about?” He moved closer to her and peered back into her eyes. “What do you think you know about me?”
She cleared her throat. With the tension of his muscles and the heat of his voice, she had a strong feeling that he was pretty angry under the calm surface he projected.
“You love her, Mateo. You love her as much as you did the day you married her.”
His jaw tensed, his hands clenched and his eyes narrowed. “No, I don’t. You’re wrong.”
She felt the urge to shy back from him, to be intimidated by the anger that flowed through him. But she didn’t want to be. She wanted to be brave enough to face the hurt inside of him, even if it meant that she ruined a budding friendship.
“Don’t lie to yourself, Mateo. It won’t help you to heal any faster. You want her back. That’s why you can’t let her go.”
“Stop.” He swallowed hard and flicked his gaze away from her. “You’re wrong.”
“I’m not.” She touched his arm again with a slow stroke of her fingers. “It’s okay. When you love someone, feelings aren’t supposed to just disappear.”
He jerked his arm away from her touch and turned his back to her. “She’s a horrible person. She’s taken everything from me. She laughed in my face when I asked her to try just a little longer.”
Jillian saw the muscles on his back tense and roll as his body shifted.
“I’m done here, let’s go back.”
She brushed her palms along the rigid rise of his shoulders. “Love doesn’t always make sense, Mateo. Maybe you have every reason in the world to hate her, but deep down, you still love her.”
“Jillian, you have no idea what you’re talking about.”
She stepped around in front of him and sought his eyes. “It doesn’t make you weak to love someone that much. You told me that she was the only one for you. Having her turn on you like this must be excruciating.”
He blinked heavily, as if he was forcing back tears. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this.” His voice shuddered.
She brushed her palms along his cheeks with a soothing stroke. “I know it wasn’t. I know it hurts.”
He squeezed his eyes shut and tilted his head toward hers. “I just want it to be over. I just want the pain to stop. How do I make it stop?”
When he opened his eyes again she saw a thin sheen of tears trapped between his dark lashes. Her heart ached for him. That kind of pain was pure; it was the grief she’d felt when the police officer delivered the news about the accident, it was the grief she felt at the funeral when she knew that they were really gone.
“I don’t know.” The confession fell from her lips. She could have told him a million different things—inspirational words that she’d learned over the years—but none of them would have been true. The truth was, she had no idea how to move on from that kind of pain. “But I do know that it will stop, Mateo. It will take time, but it will stop.”
“I don’t think it will.” He shivered as she ran her hands back through his hair. “I want to feel something other than this rage. I feel like I’m drowning in it.”
Without thought of the consequences, Jillian brushed her lips against his. It wasn’t a kiss, just a caress. Still, the light touch ignited instant passion within her.
Mateo’s lips parted and he closed his eyes. “Don’t, please—don’t.” He muttered his words, but he didn’t pull away from her. His lips sought hers in the same subtle brush.
She realized his plea was not for her to stop, but for him to resist.
“It’s just a kiss, Mateo.” She stroked her fingertips through the hair at the back of his neck. “It doesn’t have to be more than that.”
Chapter 22
Mateo melted at the sensation of Jillian’s touch and the caress of her lips. He willed himself to walk away, to ignore the way his heart raced when she promised it was just a kiss. All of the anger he felt began to subside, just with the stroke of her fingertips.
When her lips brushed his again, he didn’t resist. He drew her into a heavy, passionate kiss. There wasn’t an inch of space between them as their bodies embraced. She shivered and drew a quick breath when the kiss broke for just an instant. The tremble in her body inspired one to carry through his own. He clung to her as if the ground might disappear beneath him. The force of the desire he felt for her made him believe that nothing else existed.
Even when she started to pull back to break the kiss, he sought her lips again. His hands pressed against her lower back, pulling her as close to him as possible. Maybe it was the isolation of the island, or the way the breeze off the water made everything seem surreal, but he wasn’t afraid.
She was the one to push him away with a soft gasp.
He stared at her with a hunger that threatened to run wild.
“Mateo, enough.” Her face reddened as she looked away from him toward the water.
He traced his lips along the rise of her cheek and sighed when he reached the curve of her neck.
“It’s just a kiss, right?” He murmured his words against her skin. More than anything he wanted to tempt her lips back into the sultry dance that they’d shared.
She didn’t answer as she continued to stare out at the water.
“Jillian?” He brushed her hair back from her shoulder and gazed out at the water in an attempt to discern what held her attention. “I would have stopped if you’d asked me to.”
“I know that.” She reached up and touched his hand where it settled on her shoulder. “I just
didn’t realize.”
“You didn’t realize what?” He leaned close to her again and kissed her cheek.
“No more.” She shook her head. “I don’t think this is a good idea.”
His jaw clenched. All the warmth that had flooded him in response to the intimacy between them grew cold.
“What are you saying?” He narrowed his eyes.
She turned back toward him.
He let his hands fall back to his sides and met her eyes.
“I want to be your friend, Mateo—not your distraction.”
“My friend?” He laughed a little. “Do friends take you out to deserted islands and kiss you like that?” He raised an eyebrow. “I know the difference between friendly and more than just friendly.” He tried to meet her eyes, but her gaze flicked away. “What’s wrong Jillian?”
“This is.” She frowned. “Please don’t take this the wrong way. You’re amazing, Mateo. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever laid eyes on a more beautiful man, but—”
“But?” He turned away from her and faced the trees. “But I’m not what you’re looking for.” Dark laughter erupted from his lips. “I’m not good enough, right?”
“That’s not it at all and you know it.” She took a deep breath.
When she spoke again he sensed the strain in her voice.
“You’re in love with someone else.”
“You said a kiss could just be a kiss.” He glanced back at her. “Was that a lie?”
“No.” She lowered her eyes. “It wasn’t a lie. I thought it could be just a kiss. Usually it can be.”
“And now?” He brushed a hand down from the curve of her shoulder to the crease of her palm. “What’s so different?”
“I’m not sure. I’ve been going through some things lately. I think maybe…” She frowned and curved her hand around his. “I think I’m not being fair to you. I might be using you to distract myself from my own problems that I don’t want to face. That’s not fair to you. I don’t want to treat you that way.”
“So, I’m your distraction and you’re mine?” He searched her eyes. “I don’t mind being distracted.” He gripped her hand tight in his and lunged toward her lips for another kiss.
She caught his bottom lip with a light kiss but pulled back right away. “No.” She pulled her hand free of his. “This isn’t right. It’s not healthy. The right thing is for you to move on fully from your relationship and for me to figure out why I might be avoiding genuine intimacy. We can help each other through that but not like this.”
Mateo sighed and ran a hand back through his hair to mask his frustration. “Do you ever wonder if you think too much?”
“I won’t risk hurting you.” She tightened her lips.
He looked back at her with surprise. “You think that you’ll hurt me?”
“I think that we’ll hurt each other, Mateo. Sometimes a connection can be purely physical—but I don’t think that’s true in our case.”
“You’re just afraid of me, aren’t you? Because of my temper?” He frowned. “I don’t blame you.”
“I’m not.” She stroked his cheek. “I’m not afraid of you. I want to be here for you, while you deal with this difficult time. I don’t want to make it worse.”
“That’s nice.” His jaw clenched beneath her touch. “But I’m not interested in being your client. Thanks for the distraction.” He turned and walked back toward his kayak.
With every step, he hoped that she’d call out to him—to stop him—but at the same time, he wished she would just leave him alone. The emotional upheaval he’d experienced in such a short span of time was more than he could take.
He climbed into his kayak and took off across the water. No matter how phenomenal the kiss had been, it had to stay on the island. He couldn’t think about what he’d felt when he’d held her close. There was no reason to. She wanted nothing to do with him, and he wasn’t interested in her analysis. He’d be better off if he just continued to keep to himself.
He stole one glance back at the island and immediately wished that he hadn’t.
Jillian stood there, framed by the multicolored leaves of the trees, her hair stirred by the breeze off the water, looking like a goddess. The sight of her took his breath away, but he forced himself to turn around as he continued to paddle further and further away from where she stood.
Chapter 23
Jillian couldn’t even think about kayaking back just yet. As it was, she could barely draw a breath. Not only was Mateo upset with her, she’d stirred up her own confusion to a torrential level. Was he right? Was she afraid? She chewed on her bottom lip as she watched him paddle away from her view.
Once more she experienced an ache in her stomach at the thought of not seeing him again. It was ridiculous, because they barely knew one another. Whatever connection flooded her mind with illogical thoughts was the result of the dramatic situation he was in and her need for attention. She was sure of it.
She took a deep breath and began to walk around the island. Going home was not an option—not at the moment, anyway. She could still feel his touch—his warmth, the demand of his lips. If she wanted a distraction, she’d certainly found one.
There was no reason for Jillian to doubt her assessment. Mateo needed a way to forget Kate, and she needed a little entertainment. Mixing the two motivations would only lead to disaster. If there was ever a reason for her to believe that she needed to keep a level head, the pain in Mateo’s eyes was it. He was not the type of man who could keep things just physical.
“I’m not going to be the next on your list, Mateo. Enough people have hurt you.” She wrapped her arms around herself and looked up into the tree branches. Sunlight drifted through the colorful leaves in thin streams. She recalled how magical that had once seemed to her.
When she was a young girl, she’d believed that those beams of light were a connection to another world, as if the great mystery of life was held in the rays. It wasn’t until the night of the accident that she’d faced up to the notion that there was no great mystery to be solved. Life was random—sometimes cruel—and indifferent to the emotions of humans.
She sat down in the soil beneath one of the larger trees. Perhaps there was something that she’d missed. Her eyes fell shut and her heart opened. In that moment she recognized that her entire body was swirling out of control. From the speed of her heartbeat to the sweat that trickled down her back, she was out of rhythm with life.
After a few deep breaths she was able to slow down enough to think clearly. Mateo’s influence on her life had inspired her to seek deeper than perhaps she’d ever done before. As soon as her mind was still, a memory flashed through her mind.
She’d lived with her aunt and uncle ever since her parents had died. In the middle of the night, not long before she was due to graduate from high school, she’d heard them arguing.
“We should let her stay as long as she needs. You know what she’s been through,” her aunt pleaded in a dark kitchen with only one dim light over the stove on.
Jillian had been hiding in the hallway listening once she’d sensed that she was the subject of the argument.
“Sure I know, but that wasn’t our fault. We had plans, remember? We were going to see the world. We put those plans on hold because we had to, but that obligation is coming to an end. I want to see the world. That’s why you and I decided not to have kids. Why should we have to put it off any longer?”
“I think you’re being cold.”
“I think I’m being fair. You and I both know that was no accident. He should have known better—”
“—Sh, don’t talk like that. What if she hears you?”
“What if she does? She’s going to have to learn the truth sometime.”
“No. Absolutely not. No good will come from her knowing. It’s not our place to tell her. I know our plans changed, but do you think that little girl planned to grow up without parents?”
“She’s not little any more. I think we n
eed to talk to her about her plans for the future.”
“Fine, we’ll talk to her, but don’t you dare mention the accident.”
The conversation confused her at the time. She informed them the next morning that she planned to move out on her eighteenth birthday and thanked them for taking her in. Not once did she mention overhearing their conversation.
That was her first lesson in gratitude. Her aunt and uncle had sacrificed a lot to make sure she’d had a stable home to live in, and she was grateful for all that they’d done for her. But that conversation surfaced now and then, and she often wondered about it. She was tempted to ask her uncle what he meant, but so much time had passed. Was that another thing that she’d pushed down so far that she believed she’d healed from it?
She sighed and stood up. It was important for her to get to the bottom of it, but there was something she needed to do first.
As she kayaked back across the lake she forced thoughts of Mateo from her mind. For his own protection, she needed to be careful around him, maybe even create as much space as was possible. Mateo needed stability more than anything, and that was not something that she could provide.
When she arrived at the house she noticed Mateo’s music was blasting again. She did her best to avoid being seen as she entered through the back door of her house.
She grabbed her phone and sent a message to Hannah.
Can you meet me for lunch?
A few seconds later her phone beeped.
Harrison’s?
She sent back a text agreeing to the place, then hopped into the shower. As she washed away the dirt and sweat from kayaking, she willed the water to wash away the confusion in her heart as well. She needed something—anything—to allow her to feel balanced again. Hannah was usually able to point her in the right direction, but as out-of-sorts as Jillian was feeling these days, she wasn’t sure that it was even possible.
After she dressed she grabbed her keys and purse. Before she stepped out of the house, she checked around for any sign of Mateo. His music still played, but she didn’t spot him. She took a risk and stepped out of the house.
To Hope Again: A Sweet Romance (Forty and Free Book 3) Page 8