His chest ached with the violation of loyalty as he recalled his demand that his brother stay out of his life. Antonio had taken it all in stride, never leaving Mateo behind. He’d ignored Kate and insisted on being part of Mateo’s life.
With the handle attached, Mateo tested the door. It opened and closed just fine.
Through the back window he caught sight of Jillian’s meditation spot. Sunlight reflected off the water in the fountain and held his attention. For someone who claimed to be so in touch with her emotions, she seemed more confused than he was.
He couldn’t deny that the thought of her sent ripples of need throughout his body. She’d pushed him away, just like Mateo had pushed Antonio away. Maybe he needed to take a lesson from his brother and ignore the push.
It was possible that Jillian didn’t feel anything for him, but he doubted it. The kiss they’d shared had affected her too. He’d watched it happen. It was etched into his memory. The sensation of her body as it trembled against his was not something that she could erase.
Yet again, he’d submitted to what the woman in his life desired without even considering his own needs. She wanted a friendship, she wanted them to be there for one another and work through issues. He wasn’t exactly sure what he wanted from her, but he knew it was much more than friendship.
She seemed to think that she could dictate their relationship, but he didn’t have to give in to that. It would be quite easy for her to forget him if she never saw him again. What if he made her see him again? What if every time she stepped out of the house, he was there for her to see? He didn’t have to make it easy on her, just because she asked him to. He certainly did not have to be the nice guy.
If she looked into his eyes, if she remembered the way they’d touched, would she be able to resist him then?
The idea flickered through him like a flame that yearned to grow. He wasn’t going to be pushed aside and ignored again. He wasn’t going to let someone else tell him what he could or couldn’t do. If Jillian truly didn’t want him, then she would have to face him and tell him that. None of the psychobabble—just plain honesty. He didn’t have to hide any more. He was a free man, even if his heart thought otherwise. Kate was no longer his wife and Jillian wasn’t either. He could make his own decisions.
When he heard her car pull into the driveway, he knew what that decision was. If Jillian thought she could control what happened next, she was in for a big surprise—and a fight.
He smiled to himself as a rare burst of confidence flooded through him. Maybe she was right, maybe it was too messy. There was only one way to find out.
Chapter 27
Jillian parked in the driveway and held her breath as she walked to the front door. Not once did she look in the direction of Mateo’s house. She would remain focused on what needed to be done, rather than lose herself in the daydreams of what wasn’t meant to be.
She unlocked the door and stepped inside just as she received a text. She looked it over with a faint frown. It was a reply from Angela.
If you think it’s best. I’m not sure there’s much to talk about. Any time you want to connect is fine.
Jillian’s heart dropped. Yes, she certainly had been failing Angela. When she needed her, Jillian had been caught up with Mateo.
“Not any more.” She walked over to her computer and turned it on.
As she settled down in front of the computer she logged into the Forty and Free site. There was an option for video chat that allowed one-on-one conversation between users.
She connected with Angela and watched as the woman’s face appeared on the screen. Despite the fact that Angela’s features were strong, she looked tired to Jillian, as if she hadn’t been sleeping at all.
“Hi, Angela. Thanks for meeting with me.”
“Sure.” Angela smiled. “I appreciate you taking the time.”
“I wanted to talk with you about your goals.”
“Can we stop right there?” Angela rested her chin on her hand. “I agreed to meet with you because I wanted to tell you face-to-face that this isn’t your fault. I haven’t had my heart in this whole process. I can’t have my heart in it. Every time I think about going on another date, I get sick to my stomach. I’ve been thinking—maybe there are different types of people in the world. Maybe some people are here to find that one great love, while others just don’t need to.”
Jillian nodded and met her eyes. “I understand what you’re saying. Different people may have different priorities and different goals. But there are some other things to consider—to make sure that is the case.”
“Like what?”
“Close your eyes for a moment.”
“Why?” Angela frowned.
“Just do this exercise with me. I’ll close my eyes too. Then if you really think you need to take a breather from all this, we can focus on something else entirely, okay?”
“I guess. I just don’t want to waste your time.”
“I think I need this exercise as much as you do. Let’s give it a shot, okay?” She smiled into the webcam.
A smile sparked across Angela’s lips in return. “I’ll try.”
“It’s so easy to get stuck on all the ways that love can hurt. In fact, when we’ve been hurt by someone whom we thought we could trust, it’s the most difficult thing to see past. Everything about love becomes shadowed by this pain. As a result, we sometimes forget about all the ways that love can heal—all the ways that love can enhance life. You’re right about one thing—romantic love is not a need. It shouldn’t be entered into with a sense of desperation. But love can change the way you live your life—the way you experience your time here. So before we take that next step in deciding that romantic love is simply off the table, let’s take a step back and consider whether we truly want to miss out on all those possibilities.”
“I’m pretty sure.”
“Okay, that’s fine. I’m not here to prove you wrong, I promise you that. We’re on this journey together. Just close your eyes and take a deep relaxing breath. We’re going to take five in total. With each breath, I want you to let go of whatever heavy emotion rises to the surface. It may not be a permanent release, and that’s okay. Just for the moment—any grief, any hurt, any anxiety—we’re just going to let that float away. We’re going to make room for a clear mind and an open heart.”
She went through the deep breaths right along with Angela as she promised she would. Once they were complete, she spoke in a softer voice. “Imagine yourself walking along the beach. Your toes sink into the sand. The sun is warm on your shoulders. In the distance seagulls call. It is bliss. How do you feel?”
“Calm. Peaceful.”
“Good. I do too. Now imagine that you can feel fingers intertwined through your own—no face, no name, just a hand holding yours. The warmth of skin against skin, the subtle support of the pressure of his grasp. How do you feel now?”
“Relieved.” Angela’s voice shivered a little as she spoke.
Jillian smiled as she experienced the same sensation.
“Why do you think you feel that way?”
“Because he’s finally with me. Because I’m not walking alone.”
Jillian took a long deep breath.
Angela followed suit.
“Out in the water, there’s a dolphin. It’s jumping high into the air, just as the sun begins to set. It’s beautiful. What do you do?”
“I turn to him—to tell him—to make sure he sees it too.”
In her mind, Jillian turned to look at the man who belonged to the hand she held as well. To her surprise she looked right into Mateo’s cinnamon eyes. Her heart skipped, her breath caught. An instant later she heard the heavy knock on the front door of the house she’d grown up in. She saw the flicker of the police car’s lights on the big front window. Her stomach twisted.
“Jillian, are you okay?”
She blinked and found herself in front of the computer again. She stared into Angela’s concerned eyes.
“I’m so sorry. I got distracted.”
“You’re crying.” Angela frowned. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
“I’m not crying.” Only then did it register that tears did streak down her cheeks. “Oh, my. I’m so sorry, Angela.”
“Don’t be.” Angela smiled at her. “I got tears in my eyes too. This exercise was just what I needed. It showed me that I don’t want to walk down that beach alone. I want that hand in mine. I do want that person to share every beautiful experience with. If it weren’t for you, I’d have shut myself off completely. You’ve really changed my perspective these past months. It might not happen right away, but I do know that I want to fall in love again.”
“That’s wonderful, Angela.” Jillian grabbed a tissue and wiped at her eyes. “It’s important to be honest with ourselves. Of course, if romantic love is genuinely not something you’re interested in, that’s just fine. But if you’re just pushing that desire down, in ten or twenty years, you may regret it. I just want you to know exactly what you want so that we can set some new goals for you. The next time we talk, we’ll do just that, okay?”
“Yes. I’m looking forward to it. Thank you again, Jillian. Wow, I’m going to go think about this some more.”
“Me too.” Jillian smiled as she closed the chat window.
As soon as it was closed, her smile faded. Her body was chilled by her experience. Maybe seeing Mateo in her vision could be explained away, but why had that beautiful moment melted into the most tragic memory of her life? What was the connection between the way she felt for Mateo and the night of her parents’ accident? She couldn’t figure it out. The more she tried the more frustrated she became.
She decided to head out to the backyard to try to go into a deeper state of meditation there. She wanted more than anything to pinpoint the problem and clear it from her mind.
The trickling water of the fountain calmed her nerves. With every breath she took, she reminded herself to relax, to release, and to be open to her true feelings. She’d mastered many things in her life and she was determined to master her own emotions.
As her mind eased into a more peaceful place she hoped that she’d gain some insight.
A moment later she was gazing into Mateo’s eyes. It was as if he was right there before her. No pain darkened his eyes. No fear weighed them. They were wide open and she was lost in that unique shade of brown.
It occurred to her that he shouldn’t be there. That she should be in an introspective place, not a daydreaming place. But none of that mattered when she looked into his eyes.
Afloat on the pleasure of his presence she drifted, until she heard a subtle sound. At first she ignored it, but as it got louder it was too disruptive.
She opened her eyes and looked into those same cinnamon eyes. She blinked and wondered if she’d somehow lost sense of space and time.
After a few seconds she realized that it wasn’t her imagination.
Mateo’s eyes met hers.
Chapter 28
When Mateo saw Jillian step out through the back door he intended to greet her and ask to borrow sugar. He didn’t need any sugar, but it was all part of the plan.
When she walked from her house directly to her meditation spot, he couldn’t take his eyes off her as she sat down and crossed her legs. Although he was vaguely aware of the purpose of meditation, Mateo had never engaged in it himself.
Jillian looked as if she’d been practicing it all her life. Her body looked relaxed and her eyes were closed. By then, it was too late for him to interrupt and far too late for him to look away from the serene beauty that crossed her features. He was aware that he was encroaching on her privacy, but technically he was still on his property. He convinced himself that it would do no harm.
As he observed Jillian, he noticed the peaceful state she seemed to easily slip into. He expected to be irritated by it, but instead, he longed for it. He wondered how she was able to simply be still—to be so calm. He always felt the urge to move, to roam, to avoid being in his own head for too long. The thought of sitting for such a length of time without a twitch or a cough seemed impossible to him.
He was sure that she must have fallen asleep.
He took a few steps, and he was off his property. Another two steps and he was standing dangerously close to her. He noticed her lashes flutter. His heart raced. What would he say when she spotted him there? How could he explain himself?
It was too late to think about it when her eyes opened and looked into his.
“I’m sorry.” He stumbled over his words. “I didn’t mean to disturb you.” He braced himself for her fury. She had every right to be angry. He’d invaded her property, interrupted her meditation, and violated her request for distance. Yet the serene smile on her lips did not seem angry at all.
She reached up and took his hand. “Do you want to join me?”
“Oh, I don’t think I could.” He frowned.
“Just sit.” She tilted her head to the space in front of her. “It’s okay. There aren’t any hoops to jump through.”
He studied her for a moment. The idea seemed a little silly to him, but the grasp of her hand on his influenced him to comply. “Okay, but I’ve never done this before.”
“You’ve probably done it more than you think. When you’re working on a project and you zone out—that’s a form of meditation. Or when you’ve been driving for some time and end up forgetting where you are, that can be a form of meditation too—and not a very safe one.”
“What’s the point of it, though?” He settled down in front of her. “I doubt I can get Zen.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever been Zen.” She laughed. “I use it as a tool to break through all the layers of busy days and get to the core of what really matters to me. If my mind is clear, I find I make better choices for myself. If I’m stuck on something, or upset by something, some time in meditation usually fixes that for me.”
“I’m not sure that will work for me.”
“It’s okay if it doesn’t. There’s no right or wrong. It’s just a little time spent. Maybe you’ll gain something from it, maybe you won’t.” She smiled at him. “I’d be honored if you’d try it with me.”
Mateo considered whether to participate or just fake it. He doubted that she’d be able to tell the difference, but he thought it was better to be as honest as he could. The fact that he’d be about to spend the time with her was benefit enough for him.
He followed her through the process of deep breathing, but he had a hard time keeping his eyes closed. He wanted to see her, not the inside of his eyelids.
Once she seemed to back in her peaceful state, he opened his eyes. He watched her as she traveled through the inner regions of her mind. Not a hint of stress tightened her features, until, after some time, he noticed that her lips tightened. Her chin began to tremble.
His eyes widened as tears began to travel down her cheeks. Of all the things he expected to witness, such pure sorrow wasn’t one of them. Jillian always seemed so happy, so at peace. What would cause her to cry like this?
He knew enough about meditation to think it probably wasn’t appropriate to interrupt her, but he couldn’t just let her cry. With the lightest touch he could manage, he wiped the tears from one cheek and then the other.
She sighed as if she was relieved by the caresses. But the tears continued to flow.
He scooted closer to her and took her hands in his.
“I’m here, Jillian.” He kept his voice to a whisper.
Her lashes fluttered, but her eyes didn’t open.
“It’s okay, you can tell me.”
“I can’t.”
“Yes, you can. You’re not alone. I’m here to listen.”
Jillian squeezed her eyes shut. Then she opened them. Her bright blue eyes were rimmed with red from the tears.
“Mateo, I’m so sorry. I must be confused.”
He held her gaze. “What did you experience?”
“A memory
, but it can’t be real.” Her mouth twisted with anguish. “It’s not.”
“Maybe you just need to get it out.” He squeezed her hands. “It’s just you and me.”
“My parents died in a car accident—an accident. I always thought it was the other driver’s fault.”
“It wasn’t?” He searched her eyes.
“I remember my mother and father dancing together. They were laughing so loud. Then she told him she wanted to go for a drive. He refused. I thought he was being a gentleman. But he was laughing so loud, and when they walked out the door, my mother wasn’t laughing any more.”
He released one of her hands to stroke her cheek. “What do you think happened?”
She closed her eyes and trembled. “They weren’t dancing because they were so happy, they were dancing because he was drunk. Why didn’t I ever remember this? Why did I think he was so innocent?”
“Maybe you needed him to be. Maybe it was easier for you to believe that their love was strong and perfect.” He lowered his eyes. “I’m sorry.” When he looked back up at her again she blinked back tears.
“How could I be so wrong all these years?”
“I don’t think you were wrong. Your father made a mistake. He drank too much, and he made a grave mistake. But that doesn’t mean they didn’t love each other—and you. It doesn’t mean that the home life you remember wasn’t real. It made you who you are.”
“A lie?” She shook her head and wiped angrily at her eyes with her free hand. “All this time it’s been a lie. No wonder I can’t be truly intimate with anyone. I’m such a fool.”
Chapter 29
Even as the memory resurfaced Jillian tried to deny it. But little things began to fit into place—the whispered words between her mother’s relatives, the argument between her aunt and uncle. Her parents died because her father drank too much and got behind the wheel. It was still tragic, but now she understood that her father had a problem with alcohol. In an instant, everything that she’d known about her childhood seemed to shift.
To Hope Again: A Sweet Romance (Forty and Free Book 3) Page 10