by Queau, Amy
Jesse’s head snaps over to Jake, and he slowly spreads a shit-eating grin across his face. A brief look of remorse captures Jesse’s expression just before he begins laughing hysterically.
Charlie hadn’t realized this had been planned.
And that this was a joke.
Charlie quickly gathers her purse, her eyes pooling, and walks fast towards the door before a tear trickles down her cheek. Sick of the torment, she finds her keys and runs for her car.
In a hurry to open the driver’s side door, she drops her purse. Her cigarettes, cell phone, three lighters, garter belt, and stockings tumble out and cover the pavement.
“Of course.”
As she is bent over picking up her belongings, she hears faint laughter from behind her and freezes.
She wipes her cheek and has mere seconds to compose herself before they notice Jess has made her cry. Again.
“Haven’t you laughed enough at my expense this evening?” she says without turning around. “I mean, is this what you do, Jess? You sit at home thinking of different things that will make me feel like shit?” Sniffing, she continues. “My whole life I’ve been fighting with these demons – and you have the audacity to turn it into a joke! Just when I think I’m--” She sounds a lot angrier than she intends; her voice has escalated on its own and she stands to face him.
But it’s Jake. And he isn’t smiling anymore.
“He told me…he told me that you’d understand why,” Jake says, looking down at the curb, ashamed.
There are so many things she considers saying to him. She had really hoped that Jesse would’ve heard her confrontation rather than Jake. Could this night get any worse?
She opts for silence. Opening her car door, she keeps her eyes closed as she gets inside and locks it behind her. She needs to escape this night. Go home and fantasize about a world where she is safe and happy.
Before she can start the engine, she hears a tap on her window. She can’t move. She doesn’t want to talk to Jake about this. She doesn’t want to talk to anyone about this, but she risks a peek at his face. And as she opens her eyes and gives a glare to her window, she sees Jesse’s huge smile.
Fuck.
She rolls her eyes and cracks her window as he nods and drops the smile.
“You dropped this,” Jesse says, his smile returning. Holding up her garter belt, which had fallen outside of the car door, he’s teasing her.
A horrible feeling sweeps over her. This is just like high school all over again! What is she supposed to say to defend herself? She has been teased before, but this hurt so much more than Aaron Paulson. Her defenses have crept up and she can only think of one thing to say to Jesse.
“Funny, I’ve never met your father, but I could swear I just saw him.”
“Well, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you weren’t fat. So I guess we’re even.”
“Jesus, Jess!” Jake snaps, grabs the garter belt from his hand and stuffs it through the crack in her window. Jake sees the look on Charlie’s face and his heart sinks. “I’m sorry, Charlie,” he says as she starts the car. He steps back to allow her to drive away and turns back to Jesse, who is still laughing.
“You’re such an asshole!” Jake shouts while shoving Jesse towards the brick building. Jake turns around and sees Charlie’s tail lights a half mile away.
Jake walks straight to his car and debates leaving Jesse in the parking lot. But a minute later, he gets into the car. “Don’t tell me you’re pissed at me, too? I thought it would help her. Besides, what do you care if we hurt her feelings? It’s not like you’ve invested anything into a relationship--”
“What, like you?” Jake interrupts. “Charlie is a sweet girl. You need to stop fucking with her head. She deserves better. Whatever this obsession is with her, you need to figure it out. She just broke up with her boyfriend, you shouldn’t have--” he stops short.
Jesse’s face pales and he swallows.
“How do you know that?”
“What?”
“They broke up?”
“She told me before you got here.”
Jesse looks out the window, pretending to ignore their conversation, and begins fumbling with his labret. But he knows that Jake is right. Just when Charlie was feeling the most insecure and vulnerable, Jesse had wounded her right where he didn’t think he ever would.
I wanted her to feel like she deserves to be touched. I want her to believe it.
Chapter Three
Charlie finds whatever motivation it takes to get rid of her remaining ten pounds. She diets strictly and has never worked out so much in her life. She starts running every day – five miles. If she has time in the afternoons or after work, she does cardio, crunches, and lifts weights. She’s a machine. And when she works out, she listens to the CD Jesse made for her. Every time.
He’s her motivation. He’s her revenge. He is her goal.
She doesn’t stop to think about how disturbing that is and how disturbed he would be if he ever found out. After all that has happened between the two of them, and how he has treated her, she just can’t rip herself away from him. She’s drawn to him and continues forgiving him for his words and behavior. The pull between them is too strong for her to ignore.
I should be angry with him! He and Jake had no right. He should have known exactly what something like that would do to me. What was he thinking? Does he just enjoy being an asshole or did he think I would find it funny? What kind of person does that? Why do I continue to let him do this? Why do I care? Why can’t I get him out of my head?
If I stay mad at him, he’ll be gone. It’s not like he’ll feel the need to apologize for his actions.
I’ve always been able to understand different logics, why people do what they do, the things they feel compelled to say. That’s my problem. I can’t understand him. Nothing about the way he thinks makes any sense to me. I’ll continue to torment myself with trying to figure him out, because I will not be defeated. I will make myself understand. I need to know. I have to know. He is my weakness.
*
“I missed it again!” Charlie says.
“Then quit turning around – watch it. They’re gonna show it again!” Jesse says while pointing to the fifty-inch mounted television screen behind her head.
She turns and stares at the screen. They are showing a track and field meet of a man running hurdles. Slowing the video footage down, it shows the man leap over a hurdle and his leg hyperextend at the knee just as he crashes down onto the pavement. Charlie flinches and looks away.
“Did you see it that time?”
“That’s disgusting. How did you watch that three times?” She shakes her head at him.
“I’ve seen a lot of crazy shit out on the trails, too. Once, I was riding at Lebanon and I was on a steep decline that wasn’t well worn at all. I was trying so hard to not spill that I hadn’t noticed halfway down the hill a guy had fallen. So I’m three feet away from him when I realize I’m about to run him over.”
“Oh my god. What did you do?”
He shrugged. “I ran him over.”
“Holy shit!”
“His shit was all messed up already though – a broken leg, broken nose. I only irritated it. But I fell, too. Hurt like a bitch. But I was really pissed and had to walk back towing my bike with a broken arm.”
“What about the other guy?” she asks, concerned.
He pauses and cocks his head to one side. “What about him?”
“Well, I know you survived! Did you make sure he was okay? Did you call for help once you got back?” She briefly waits for a response. “Do you even know what happened to him? Did you even bother to find out?”
He takes another gulp of his beer while shaking his head and smiling. “No. I don’t know what happened to him.”
Her arms shoot up and she stares in disbelief. “You’re unbelievable. You should go back to that spot tomorrow and make sure there isn’t a rotted corpse on those rocks! You are just a
n ass. I mean, you’re like morally inhuman. Do you not care about anyone but yourself?” They both continue laughing.
He watches her as she enjoys their conversation. He finds her glow and intrigue endearing. And he is going to have to find out what perfume she uses; it’s intoxicating.
“Let’s go smoke,” she suggests after a quick pause in conversation, and he escapes his last few thoughts.
“Do you have some?” he asks.
“Jesse! You owe me a carton already! And I’ll probably quit smoking by the time you buy me some.” He is in a fun mood tonight. She loves it when he is playful.
He takes a moment to snap out of her spell.
“What are you doing? Get your cute little ass out here!” She waves her arm towards the door to the patio. “C’mon! Slowpoke!”
She is such a lightweight. It is obvious to her she needs to slow down on the beer tonight. She hasn’t eaten much all day and is starting to get gutsy and feisty.
But he likes her feisty.
“Tell me something.” He eyes her cautiously.
“What?”
“How much weight have you lost?” His eyes shift over her body.
She suddenly feels very warm, and nervous. Her giggling is cut short and is replaced with a frown. Her entire torso is aflame and she is very thankful that the outdoor patio lights aren’t on, revealing her pink cheeks.
She can see that he is looking at her new body. What she didn’t expect was how it would make her feel. After years of wondering what it would feel like to be thin, and getting the positive attention, she feels uneasy. This is her Jess, why is she feeling so…ugly?
“Um…” She looks down and hesitates in her response.
“You’re too skinny now. You looked better about a month ago.” He smiles.
Are you kidding me?
Interrupting their conversation, Adam walks onto the patio and lights a cigarette.
“Oh, hey Charlie,” Adam says, taking a step closer to her. His proximity is alarming and it causes her to look down. He shakes his oversized coat off and throws it over Charlie’s shoulders.
“So, what are you doing after work tonight?” Adam asks.
“Going home,” she says.
Adam licks his lips and attempts to make eye contact with her.
She tries to sober herself in her mind. Her playful buzz mutates into anxiety as her head spins and her hands shake.
She composes herself and is ready for a rebuttal to Adam’s invitation when Jesse takes a step closer to them.
“She’s coming home with me tonight,” Jesse says. He takes Charlie’s hand and pulls her gently toward him. His thumb rubbing her palm, he turns toward her slowly and plants a soothing kiss on her lips while she stares at him in awe.
“She’s not interested, Adam. Leave her alone,” he warns. “Forever.” Removing Adam’s coat, Jesse hands it back.
Adam glares in Jesse’s direction and puts out his cigarette. He slams open the patio door and walks back into the restaurant.
Charlie and Jesse walk back inside silently and she orders her last beer.
“Do you wanna come over tonight?” he asks quietly.
“Why?” She didn’t know if she was mad or excited or crazy or aroused. “And what was that outside? You can’t just do that, I was fine! I had a plan to get him to back off. Were you trying to save me, or were you trying to claim me?” Yep, mad. Definitely mad. “Either way, you sure have a shitty way of showing someone you care. The other night with Jake? And now, the complete opposite! What do you want from me? I mean, what are you trying to do to me?” she shouts.
He shrugs and looks around at the attention she has brought their table.
“Jesse? I asked you a question. Answer me.”
He panics. He has continually pushed the question aside, himself.
For two very long minutes they stare at each other without words. The only noises to be heard are the clinking of glasses and chatter from across the bar. Wondering how she can broach the subject of their relationship, she gestures toward the front door. “Come out to the parking lot with me.”
He pays their tab, as if he knows the night will end now. Afterward, he joins her outside and she hands him a lit cigarette.
“What are we doing out here?” he asks, avoiding her eyes.
“Jess, c’mon. You know what I want to ask you. Are you going to make me spell it out?” Her pulse races as her skin thickens, preparing herself for his rejection.
“I…well…I mean, it’s not…” his words stumble and then he groans. “What? What do you want to ask me?”
“Tell me what you’re thinking here, Jess. I see the way you look at me, and you don’t give anyone the time of day, but for some reason I’m different. Everyone keeps telling me that they see you watching me when I’m oblivious to your presence in the room--”
“Charlie, wait.” He stops her and takes a step forward.
Her breath catches and she begins to tremble. His eye contact breaks after he feels the intensity of the moment reach its climax. His brow furrows and he mumbles.
“What? I didn’t hear you,” she says.
“You can’t keep asking me to touch you…and then stand just outside my reach…” he whispers.
Suddenly a voice in the distance calls his name.
They both turn to see Jake approaching. It is now or never. The conversation can’t wait. She turns to him with an urgent expression and Jess takes a large step back.
“I told you, it’s easier to be alone like this. We’re friends, right?” It’s a question, not an answer.
No, it is her answer.
“Well then, congratulations! You’ll be the first person in the history of mankind to have an easy life.” She turns away from him and walks toward her car, nodding at Jake as he passes her.
*
Once home, she gets undressed and looks at her naked body in the mirror. She turns right, then left. It is several minutes before she starts getting cold. Wrapping herself in her sheets, she cries herself to sleep.
Charlie dreams for the first time in years. She is naked in a football field. No one knows or acknowledges her. Suddenly Jesse is there with her; standing in front of her, laughing. Then he slits her throat.
She wakes, her pulse racing, and doesn’t fall back asleep after that.
All Charlie wants to do the next morning is call in sick, but she doesn’t. She never does. It’s an unwritten rule that every server must comprehend and respect: If you call in sick, you lose your job, so it better be worth risking.
“Hey gurrl,” Angie says as she walks into the dining room, tying her apron around her waist.
“Hey.” Charlie still isn’t over last night’s embarrassment with Jesse or the nightmare in the football field. She yawns.
“What’s wrong?” Angie asks.
“I’m sure you can guess.”
“What the fuck did he say to you this…you know what? No. Just stop. Why won’t you end this? I don’t know why you put up with it,” Angie shouts, looking around.
Two people sitting in booth twelve look up at her and glare.
“Shhh! Keep your voice down, Angie!”
“Seriously, Charlie. I mean, why?” Angie says more quietly.
“He’s different when we’re alone.” She feels as though Angie is scolding her.
“Dos!” The cook shouts as he places the food on the counter.
Charlie grabs the food and is grateful for the distraction. She doesn’t want to have this conversation again; it’s exhausting.
After her shift, Charlie is changing into her street clothes in the employee bathroom when she hears a knock.
“I’ll be out in a minute!” she shouts.
She hurries herself and throws her uniform into her bag. Opening the door, she finds Jess there.
“Hey, Red!” he says with a big grin.
He is wearing a tight T-shirt defining his torso; his beautiful, toned, tanned body had been sweating on the bike ride over.
When will he stop having this effect on me? She is starting to get annoyed with herself.
He removes his shirt on his way into the bathroom, and closes the door still grinning. For the first time, he exposed a scarred torso near his side and under his left arm.
Jesus! Where did he get those from?
“What are you doing here?” she says through the door, trying to ignore his scars.
“I’m filling in for Jon. He called in sick. I’m a busser tonight!” he yells back.
She walks away and finds Angie to say goodbye.
“Hey. I’m gonna take off. I’ll see you later.” She fakes a smile and starts walking away.
“Charlie?”
She turns around. “Yeah?”
“Are you in love with him?” Angie asks.
Charlie rolls her eyes and looks around to make sure no one heard. “Love? At this point, I don’t even know if I like him,” she says on her way to the back.
“Hey, where are you going?” Jesse asks as Charlie is heading out the door.
“Home.”
“Don’t you work tonight?” He sounds disappointed, but she is already out the door and decides not to answer.
“Hey, Red!” he shouts from the employee entrance.
When she still doesn’t answer, he runs out to her. She is opening her car door when he is suddenly behind her, slamming it shut.
“Hey. I was calling you. Is everything…are you…what…?” He can’t find the right words and starts to fidget; he keeps his eyes to the ground.
“Is there a question in there?” She looks at him sardonically, trying to make eye contact with him.
Avoiding her eyes, he exhales and takes a step back.
“What, Jess? What? You’re allowed to push me as far away from you as possible, but I can’t do the same to you? Well, get used to it! Remember that you’re not the only one with problems here. I’m just as fucked up as you are!”
She takes a deep breath and starts over. “Jess, tell me something. What happened to you? Where did you get those scars on your side?”
Jesse is taken aback by her question. “Oh…it’s nothing.” He swallows and shakes his head. “A stupid bar fight,” he says, brushing it off.