by Queau, Amy
“Funny,” he says, showing no amusement on his face.
“I thought it was,” she mumbles.
A smile escapes the corner of his mouth. He goes to speak, but puzzled, he searches for the right words.
“Speak up, Jess, or let me get back to my job.”
“Tell your dad that I can pay him back with my next paycheck. And you’ve been cut already. Don’t try to fool me, Miss Sassy-pants. I’m keeping my eye on you.”
“Obviously! Did you double your dosage this morning, Jess?” She smiles nervously, concerned whether or not he has a sense of humor about it.
“Come over tonight,” he says abruptly.
Charlie looks at him, bewildered.
Jesse smirks and bites at the inside of his lip.
Oh, come on Jess!
He takes a step back to admire her body – her breasts, her curves, and seems to take a little too long staring at her skirt.
All of this is so silly. After all this time? Really? She shakes her head and dismisses any thoughts he may have about having sex with her. She really needs to abandon those hopes as an entire year of obsession hasn’t yet escaped her reflexes. She walks back out into the dining room and sees that the last table has left.
She didn’t bring a change of clothes for after her shift since she planned on going straight home, so she is stuck wearing a baby blue button-down chenille sweater and light blue and white checked pencil skirt that stops just above her knee.
She quickly checks her face in the mirror, puts on a fresh coat of lipstick, and shrugs at herself. “Good enough,” she says to her reflection and leaves the restroom.
As she walks out, Jesse is sitting on the bench in the lobby. She pauses when she sees him speaking with Tricia but looks away quickly as to not interfere with his conquests. His eye catches Charlie’s as she walks into the lobby and suddenly she’s in slow motion. He no longer cares what he and Tricia are discussing; in fact, he can’t even remember. He watches Charlie’s profile, her pink cheeks and her perfect, sweet lips that she licked just as she passed him. He watches her flip her hair from the front of her shoulder to the back, revealing her newly thinned clavicles. Why haven’t I noticed how long her hair has gotten? Her tan legs and long stride are accentuated by her heels and the high slit up the back of her skirt. When did she get a perfect ass? He rises from his seat and follows her into the bar, leaving Tricia in mid-sentence.
He quickens his pace to catch up with her before she finds her seat. Once he is next to her, he grabs her elbow and leads her to the patio. “Come with me,” he whispers as the patio door closes behind them.
“You know, it’s really not fair.” He grabs his pack of cigarettes from his pocket. “Smoke?” He exhales, running his hand through his hair.
She instinctively grabs her cigarettes out of her purse before she realizes that he is offering one to her.
“You bought a pack? A whole pack, Jess?”
He laughs. “Managers can afford cigarettes.”
“So can lowly waitresses. In fact, they can even buy cigarettes for other people, too. Trained monkeys like to smoke.” She winks.
He takes a step away from her, smiling, and then takes another step toward her.
“Wait. What’s not fair?” she asks, confused.
“I forget,” he whispers, taking another step closer.
“You’re acting stranger than usual, Jess. Oh, did Tricia turn you down?” Charlie puts on a pout.
“Does anyone turn me down? I mean, besides you.” He smiles.
“Is that what this is about? Because I told you why. We really don’t need to rehash this.” Her eyebrows shoot up as she comes to a realization. “Unless, oh…I see. Oh. It’s still bothering you.” A quick pause and a laugh. “Good.” She smiles widely.
He stares at her for a minute and leans in to whisper in her ear, “It has always bothered me.” He steps back, fidgeting with his labret and looking down. His shoulders drop and he exhales. This was a confession.
He takes a fleeting glance in her direction before he walks away.
Her smile cut short, she stands there with her mouth open.
“Always?” She sighs. Even one hundred pounds ago?
What is she supposed to do now? She doesn’t know if she is still invited to his house. And if she is still invited, should she go? She has absolutely no idea what to do, knowing exactly what will happen if she does.
On one hand, it will be foolish to spend the night with Jesse. For one, he is a manager now. Two, she still doesn’t trust him. Three, it will ruin her fantasy. Four, what will he be like as a lover? Will he make fun of her for her inexperience – or worse, her body – and could she handle that kind of criticism? No.
And then there is the realization she had come to out on her deck during the snowfall: if she slept with Jesse, she would only internalize the experience and use it as firepower to seek revenge on every man that’s ever teased her. Jesse really is just an obsession. He represents Aaron Paulson, all the boys who teased her at school, and the man who raped her. They all treated her like she was worthless, a nobody. If she sleeps with him, it will be like saying, “Hey, look at me! I’m finally worth something if this guy wants to sleep with me. Look at him; he’s gorgeous. Look at me – I’ve lost all this weight and I’m gorgeous, too.”
On the other hand, she can’t remember anything she’s wanted more.
*
Jesse walks slowly to his car and hopes she will follow him, but Charlie is nowhere to be seen.
On his drive home, he replays the night: watching her work, missing their friendship. How every woman in the restaurant was a mere shadow next to her tonight. Lighting her cigarette and watching the light cast against her bright blue eyes. That damn perfume.
“She deserves better. FUCK! She deserves better than me. FUCK FUCK.” He pounds on the steering wheel, repeating the word over and over.
Stopping at the gas station, he buys a carton of Marlboro Mediums.
Parking his car in the driveway and stepping into the house, he runs up to his bathroom and takes a shower. He puts on a pair of sweatpants and a shirt and walks downstairs, then lights a cigarette and sits. Smoking cigarette after cigarette and staring at The Smiths’ poster on the wall, he listens to the Rx Bandits CD he copied for Charlie.
Going over the songs he’s written, he sits down at his drums to play, rehearsing each one, including the ones for Charlie. About twenty minutes in, he is interrupted by a noise in front of him.
“Knock knock,” she says. Charlie is suddenly there, leaning against his basement wall.
His eyes widen. His mouth opens. He tries to gather his thoughts, his eyes darting across the room before resting on hers.
She grins and looks down. “I didn’t know if I was still invited, but I’m glad I finally got to hear you play.”
“Yes, you’re still invited. Yes. I…I really can’t believe you’re here,” he manages to speak.
“I can’t believe I’m here, either.” Her smile quickly turns down as she puts her hands behind her back to ignore the tremors starting to build. “Maybe I should just go…” Charlie starts having second thoughts and takes a step toward the stairs.
“Oh my god, no. Please. Stay.” His voice is shaky as he sidesteps the sofa to get closer to her.
She stops and takes a step back into the room.
Her breathing is shallow and her heart rate quickens. “Jess.” It sounds like a plea.
She turns around and he is two feet in front of her, an inviting look in his blue-gray eyes.
“I don’t expect anything, you know. I never did. It’s amazing to me that we’ve come this far, and I’ve completely changed my entire body, my outlook, my attitude…just so that you would want to be close to me--”
“I don’t deserve your decency,” he said, interrupting. “I don’t deserve this…” pointing his finger back and forth between them, “or you. Or this night. But I want it. I…I’ve wanted you since the first day we
met.”
Her eyes close, she sniffs.
“Say that again. Please,” she asks.
He closes the distance between them and she can feel his body brush lightly against hers. All her senses heighten and her skin prickles. He strokes his finger against her cheek and tucks a stray curl behind her ear.
“Look at me,” he says while tilting her chin upward. She opens her eyes, pooled with tears.
“I’ve wanted you since the first day we met.”
Before he lets her speak, he pulls her to him and kisses her lips gently, slowly. He swiftly pulls back to read her expression. Her eyes meet his and he sees the Charlie that he recognizes from months earlier. Full of wanting, needing, insecurities, lust.
He pushes her back against the wall and she throws her arms around his shoulders, their tongues in a passionate exchange as if they’ve never tasted a sweeter flavor. His hand slows and begins a teasing and intoxicating caress of her hips and waist. She lifts her leg and tucks it behind him in order to feel him closer to her, and her arms tighten around his back as she crushes him to her. It is accelerating fast.
His erection growing against her, she begins to sway her hips with the motion of their tongues. A sweet, soft cry escapes her throat as he grabs her wrists and places them straight up, slamming them against the wall above her head, pinning them with one hand. Her ribcage against his and her back slightly arched, he takes his other hand and lifts her sweater over her head.
His kisses leave her mouth and begin a sensual invasion down the side of her neck to her clavicle. He stops when he sees her bra. Baby blue lace.
“Mmmmm,” a purr of approval comes from his mouth and he smiles. “I need you in my bed, now,” he says, dropping her hands down, keeping hold of one as he leads her up the steps.
Topless, she races up the steps behind him.
Once in his room, he shuts the door and walks her over to the bed.
“I don’t want to give you the chance to run. But, I need to know...” he starts.
“What?” she says, searching his eyes for what he is asking.
“Are you ready for this? Are you sure you want this?”
She takes a few seconds to think about the question then starts shaking her head.
“No more thinking. There’s enough of that here. No more talking.” She smiles and starts unbuttoning his shirt.
“I’m so glad you came here tonight.”
Jesse closes his eyes and enjoys the feathery touches on his chest while she works on each button. He isn’t able to contain the tickling feeling in his gut, so he lets out a snicker as she continues a slow torture with her delicate fingertips. He hears her smile.
Charlie is struggling with the emotion behind this night. She aches. Her belly warm, her thighs tingling, and a familiar feeling down low that has suddenly intensified beyond anything she has ever experienced. Her fingers continue tickling and teasing his buttons as she watches his expression. She wonders how many nights have seen his head tilted back in ecstasy. How he has cast each woman aside the next day and kicked them out of his bed before sunrise.
Charlie can’t expect that Jess will make an exception with her. She has to make a choice. She can either walk away now before it is too late. Or, she will have to play his game.
She brushes her fingers lightly up his chest and removes the shirt without touching his skin.
She can do this. If she doesn’t allow herself to become emotionally attached to the evening and leaves before he kicks her out. But she will have to pretend to be someone she isn’t. She can’t be the fat, insecure, inexperienced woman she was. She has to be the thinner, confident goddess she is in her fantasy--that she needs to realize she is now in her reality as well.
She looks at him: his chest, his stomach, his hips. She continues her light touch, exploring his muscles, caressing his skin. She steps behind him and repeats the same erotic torment to his back, shoulder blades, and the two defined dimples just below his waist. Her pulse shoots up. This is really happening.
“I’m…this…I don’t. Oh god, don’t stop,” he stumbles over his words.
She begins brushing her lips against the base of his neck.
“Like this?” she asks.
“Yes, like that. I’m not sure how much longer I can keep my hands off you,” he says.
“Just…can I ask you something?” Her hands drop to her sides.
He turns and stares at her.
“Just…be careful with me, okay. I’m still a little insecure,” she whispers into his ear.
“Lay down,” he says.
She slowly sits on the edge of the bed, sets her head on his pillow and closes her eyes.
He begins by removing each stocking, unsnapping them from her garter belt and rolling them down so they won’t snag. He bends over and kisses the inside of each knee.
“Look at me. I want you to watch me,” he says to her.
She opens her eyes and they find his. He makes his way higher up to her thighs and quickly spreads them. Charlie still has her skirt on along with the blue garter belt and matching bra.
She snaps back into reality when his tongue touches her sex. In one slow, tormenting dash, his tongue rolls over her. “Mmmmm. Delicious.”
She throws her head back and fails to hold in her smile as he continues his oral performance. Licking, sucking, torturing. Her hips find a rhythm in pace with his tongue. Her breathing changes.
“Oh no, not yet.” His comment throws her from her trance.
He grabs her hands and pulls her up and forward. He kisses her without apprehension, grabs her hips and throws her on her stomach. In any normal circumstance, she thinks she would’ve been frightened. But Jesse taking control of her that way only adds fuel to her already apparent fire.
He pulls her skirt up, revealing her nude backside. He pulls down his sweatpants and in one swift thrust, crashes into her. She lets out a quiet gasp, but she wants to scream. The initial feeling is one of immense pain, but once he finds his rhythm, the pain subsides.
He grips her shoulders and thrust after thrust adores every inch of her, inside and out.
“Oh my god. You’re so tight. You’re…perfect,” he groans.
He touches her skin and it burns her. Every time his hand reaches for a different part of her body, her soft skin tingles underneath it. And every time he touches her, his eyes close, like he is shielding them from the sun.
From one position to the next, he is fulfilling every fantasy he’s had of her. Enjoying, teasing, flirting, tugging, tormenting, and appreciating her body. He knows this night won’t last forever; a sobering thought for him. Everything is about to change in their friendship and he doesn’t want this moment to end.
On her side, he delights in watching her bite the pillow and thrash at his sheets. It is building harder and harder. Her breasts, escaping her bra, rub against the white cotton, and her lipstick stains his pillowcase. She repeats the same hushed groan over and over. He quickens his pace and concentrates on the one sweet spot. Her mouth opens wide and her eyes close tight. She holds her breath and yells out his name as she climaxes.
Charlie catches her breath as Jesse turns her onto her back like they had started. He climbs on top of her and slowly enters her, his tension building, as he keeps his rhythm slow. His hips are rubbing against the smooth skin of her thighs as he revels in the slickness of her bareness. He can’t prevent it any longer. His speed picks up slightly. She feels him growing, expanding, and looks up at him. His eyes bear into hers, never blinking, never pausing. She sees what she has wanted to see for as long as she can remember. And as his eyes well up, he finds his release and cries her name, “Charlene.”
Lying down next to her, he slings his hairy leg over her smooth one. They both exhale loudly.
She waits a few minutes for him to say something, anything. When she is satisfied that he has fully recovered his breath from their unraveling, she stands up and begins getting dressed.
“What are you doing?
” He shoots up from the bed.
“Going home,” she says, without sounding needy or shameful. She even manages to genuinely smile.
She leans over and gives him a kiss as she is buttoning her sweater.
“Why are you leaving?”
“Because that’s the way this works, Jess. You don’t need to remind me.” She reaches into her purse and finds a bandana to wrap around her head, hiding her atrocious bed hair.
“Oh. Yeah, that. Well, maybe you could stay and we could try again in the morning?”
“That would be nice. But I have to work.” End of discussion.
She is fully dressed now and grabs her purse. She smiles and opens the door.
“Wait! Please. Please don’t leave me,” he begs.
She pauses only for an instant and turns to him, almost as though she has rehearsed it.
“This was never going to be what we thought, you know. This game is over, Jess.”
“What do you mean? Game over?” he asks.
“This is the end.”
“So that’s it? That’s all you’re going to say to me is ‘game over?’” He pleads with his eyes.
“What more is there to say? I mean, you’re a smart guy. Very smart. Tell me honestly, can you be everything I need you to be?” She kneels in front of him.
“Maybe. I don’t know,” he whispers. “Don’t leave. Not tonight. Stay with me until morning.”
She smiles and looks down. “If I stay tonight, I’ll never leave.”
He rubs her cheek with his thumb and smiles. “Then don’t.”
“I’ll never be able to be everything you need me to be. And that’s okay.” Removing his hand from her face, she gently rubs his palm. “I just needed to be here for you. Your friend, your lover. Your confidante. I wouldn’t change a single moment of it. But you need to realize that love is more than just obsession wrapped up in a tiny, dancing brunette package. Us, you and me, we were just temporary fixes to each other’s permanent problems. I’m not right for you; I don’t have what it takes. As much as I wish…” she paused. “You’ve taught me so many things, Jess. You’ve shown me what relationships should and shouldn’t be. You’ve taught me that no matter how ugliness is shunned and ridiculed, that I should never again feel inferior to anyone. You’ve shown me just what I want in someone, and a few things I don’t.”