“You still have William?”
“Of course I do. He’s my Dad.”
“He was one of your many stepfathers. But he was the nice one, so good for you. You don’t bring him up much, though.”
“You’re one to talk.”
“True.” He took a couple of chips and slipped them into his sandwich. Before he took another bite, he started on sandwich number three. She was glad she’d stocked up on everything before he’d arrived.
“Oh, and as for the first issue,” she said, “kiss my ass.”
He smiled. It made her feel marginally better, but there was still something going on. If every bit of his life wasn’t top secret, she’d have asked him straight out about his work. It had to be work, because he didn’t have anything outside the SEALs, except his folks and her. Maybe his parents weren’t so peachy?
Dan came over to the sink, grabbed her hand, then put the third sandwich in it. “Eat,” he said. “We’re both working on this place. You need your strength. And quit trying to figure me out. It’s not gonna happen. There’s nothing wrong.”
“Did I say anything?”
He rolled his eyes. “You would be the worst poker player ever, have I mentioned that?”
“Once or twice.”
“Eat. Then lets break down the jobs and figure out how we’re going to handle the next few days.”
She took a big bite out of her sandwich, pleased he’d remembered she didn’t combine mustard and mayo, ever. He was a cocky bastard, but he was also a sweet pea. He hated it when she called him that.
“I need coffee first.”
“No one needs coffee before a run, Crocker.”
“This is my house. If I say I need coffee, I goddamn well mean I need coffee. So sit down and shut up.”
“I could run on my own.”
Renee had her mug in one hand, the coffee pot in the other. “You know where the door is.”
Dan sighed as if all hope of a decent world had vanished. “Fine. Drink your coffee. I don’t mind completely wasting my time.”
She ignored him while she sniffed the strong Columbian, letting the scent wake her and please her at the same time.
Dan was in jeans, a Navy T-shirt and a hoodie. His running shoes looked so high tech she wouldn’t be surprised if they launched grenades.
She wore her running gear as well, nothing fancy about any of it. Just Lycra, a girl’s best friend, and old fashioned Nikes. It would be chilly out there, but the run up the mountain would get her warm fast.
She’d be coming back alone, as always. She ran a couple miles a day. Dan? He ran the circumference of the earth or something close to it, in the time it would take her to get home, shower, dress, and dry her hair. She’d given up keeping up after their first run. She’d never known a person to be so disciplined. If he’d been a writer, he wouldn’t have had to resort to hiding on mountaintops to meet his deadlines. His deadlines would crawl on their bellies and give him fifty.
On the other hand, the whole reason he was here bitching instead of leaving without her was because if he did go, he’d feel badly about it all day. Guilty. Not because she was a woman, but because she was his friend, the unfailingly polite bastard. She doubted he was that courteous when he was engaging the enemy, but she wouldn’t discount the notion completely.
“You’re staring. You’re not drinking.”
“Excuse me if I don’t want to scald my palate.”
He grunted as he abandoned the kitchen for the living room. He ran his hand over the brick of the fireplace, then the mantel. “The construction of the cabin isn’t bad. The bones are still good.”
“Except the kitchen plumbing.”
“Yeah, except that. But we’ll get into it when I come back. It’s good that the pipes aren’t buried. That’s in our favor.”
“It got down to minus twenty-seven last winter.”
“Chilly.”
“Yeah, even you might need a parka.”
He looked at her with an almost smile, then away, quick. Weird. “Drink,” he said, checking out the sink.
He was playing her all wrong if he didn’t want her to worry. Which actually told her more than the darting glances. He was smart and he knew her as well as any person ever had. It’s not that he minded manipulating her. She’d once driven from Los Angeles to San Diego at four in the morning because his friend needed a lift. Dan hadn’t even driven back with them.
It finally struck her. He wanted her to know. He would never volunteer the information. Not even obliquely. But every time he didn’t meet her gaze, he was sending up a flare. All she had to do was figure out what he expected her to do. Then do the opposite.
The night wasn’t quiet at all. There were animals on the prowl, night birds, trees meeting wind, creaks from the old cabin. Dan had his eyes open, one arm behind his head, the other on his chest. It was a dark he was used to, not pitch black because of the three-quarter moon, which was good for some operations, bad for others. The stars would be gorgeous at this altitude, with no major cities for hundreds of miles
He guessed the time at just past two a.m. and he wished like hell he’d worked harder before the sun had gone down. He counted on exhaustion to put him to sleep these days, which wasn’t good. To do what he did, as well as he was able, he needed to totally own sleep. He was trained to do whatever was required no matter how long he’d been awake, but a smart man used the opportunities he was handed to rest, to regroup, recharge.
Since the mission in Sangin when his C.O.—
Dan turned over, punched his pillow. Made himself inhale for ten, hold for six, exhale for ten until he felt lightheaded. After, he ran through the pinpoint exercise, focusing on a single spot in his body for twenty seconds, starting at his toes and moving up. Every time his mind started to move outside the lines, he pulled it back.
The center of his left calf. The scar on his right knee. The bruise on his right thigh.
He kept on task, concentrating until the part of him that wanted to relive the worst night of his life gave it up.
Dan had to use Renee’s satellite phone because his personal unit didn’t have a signal. He hadn’t wanted to make the call at all, but it had to be done.
“Hello.”
Just hearing his mother’s voice made him realize how big the problem was. “Hi, Mom.”
“Danny! Oh, my goodness. You and your secret phones, I had no idea you were going to call. Your dad and I were on our way out. To think five minutes later we would have missed you.”
“I can call another time. I don’t want to mess up your plans.”
“Don’t be silly, honey. What could be more important than you?”
He walked over to the wood pile and kicked the shit out of a log. “How are you?”
“We’re fine. Have you been getting our letters? I know Dad’s been sending email and it’s hard not to worry a bit when you can’t answer right away . . . ”
“This was a long stretch. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. I’m just so glad to hear from you. Can we expect a visit, too?”
Dan closed his eyes. “Not yet, Mom. I’m sorry. We’re not gonna be stateside for awhile. But don’t worry. I’m fine. I’m really good. Feeling great. Doing fine. I just miss you. Both of you.”
His mother didn’t answer straight away. When she did, her voice sounded tight. “We miss you terribly, honey. But we love you and support you completely. Remember that, okay?”
Renee hadn’t intended to eavesdrop until the opportunity presented itself. She’d had to get hammers. It wasn’t her fault that Dan had taken her phone outside, right around the corner from where she was now pressed against the wall. Besides, her definition of friendship had always been fluid, but this was a no-brainer. The man was in trouble and now she had proof.
Dan was many things, but he wasn’t a liar. Whatever was going on with him had to be bad. He’d never hurt his mother willingly, so in his head, he was reasonably certain that visiting his parents whi
le he was on leave was worse than lying outright.
“Renee’s fine,” he said. “I’ll see her when I come, but she’s doing well. Writing another true crime book. She keeps herself busy.”
That, at least, was true. She heard Dan’s boots crunch then his voice grew softer as he walked away from the cabin toward the road. She waited until she couldn’t hear him, then dashed back to the equipment shed where she pulled out two hammers. One huge mother, and one she could use.
The plumbing problem had turned out to be almost as simple as promised, and she now had actual running water on demand, without all the sound effects.
Dan and she had worked until the sun went down, then stayed up kind of late reminiscing. The whole time, for all the laughing they’d done, she’d seen the sadness in him. He’d always fit inside his skin better than anyone she’d ever known. This trip? He was a skinwalker, a man who didn’t belong. Completely unnerving, especially the way he was playing at being fine. Perhaps the act would have worked on someone who didn’t know him, but she did. She was an expert on Dan Hogan.
She was still trying to figure out why he’d spent so much time talking about her ex-boyfriends. He had the whole list in his head, and all their faults down to the guy who’d dared to lose her apartment key twice.
She’d wanted to ask if they’d made a mistake not getting together back then. If they were making a mistake now. But if they ever did choose to cross that gap between friend and lover, she wanted him sober and happy. Last night he hadn’t been either.
“So, did you get enough information out there, because I can replay the whole conversation verbatim if you need me to.”
She’d jumped about a foot at Dan’s voice directly behind her. She spun around, her heart slamming in her chest. “You scared me half to death.”
“Well?” His arms were crossed, and his eyes had narrowed, but that didn’t mean much. The little vein at his temple was throbbing like a sonofabitch, and that did.
“Want to tell me why you lied to your mother?”
“No.”
“What kind of an answer is that?”
“Better than it’s none of your goddamn business.”
That stopped her. A chill ran down to her toes, and it was all she could do not to tear up. Not because she was a delicate flower, but because her friend, a man she loved more than anyone on the planet, was in deep, deep trouble.
Same bed, different night, wide awake. Dan was getting sick of this shit. Sick of his traitorous mind, his memories. Of his goddamn feelings.
He’d thought it might be better, being with Renee, but it wasn’t. She was his favorite person. To be near her had always meant relaxation and fun and closeness. Just because they’d decided not to get naked together didn’t mean he didn’t love her, which he did. He had for a long time. But that only made the situation worse.
Disgusted with himself, he broke down and looked at the bedside alarm. 1:50 a.m. Shit. The breathing thing was taking longer every night, and each night it became harder to concentrate on anything that wasn’t that mission. But he didn’t have a lot of options, so he inhaled for ten, held it—
Two taps on the door then it opened. He exhaled quietly, his body as tense as a bow even though he knew it was Renee. She didn’t turn on the light as she shut the door behind her.
God, she was wearing nothing. Almost. Just panties and a tank T. It wasn’t the first time he’d seen her in her preferred sleepwear, but it was cold up here and he’d assumed . . . .
She was at his bed, and he raised himself on his elbow. “What—”
“Shhh. Lay back down,” she whispered.
He did as she’d asked, but why whisper? It was only the two of them. She wasn’t scared, there was no sign that someone or something was outside trying to get it. But the next thing he knew, she was standing on his bed, her bare feet on either side of his chest.
One more step put her on the side by the wall where she crouched, lifted up his covers, and started to slide in next to him.
“What are you doing?” Shit, he was whispering, too. And thinking this was something they should have talked about.
“Scoot over,” she said, wiggling her way down, rubbing up against his bare chest, his boxers, and her foot was freezing as it brushed his thigh.
He let out a huff, but he moved, letting his infuriating friend take over his space, unnerved that it wouldn’t take much for him to get completely hard. She had the gall to pull out the pillow from underneath his head and adjust it behind her back.
This time his huff had a growl to it, but she didn’t even pause. She was too busy arranging him. She yanked, tugged and poked him when he wasn’t moving fast enough, but finally he was lying on his side, his head nestled against her shoulder, her arm bracing his back. One of her legs had curled around his so the two of them were twined together.
It was anything but comfortable. He wasn’t used to being the one who got held. If it had been anyone else, he’d have broken out of her grasp so damn fast her head would have spun. But this was Renee, and she got special dispensation. Besides, he owed her for being such a prick this afternoon.
“I can hear you thinking,” she said. “Stop it. You’re not suddenly losing all your machismo because I’m holding you. And I know it’s not going to be easy, but I need you to relax.”
“Why?”
Her hand, the one that had been cradling his shoulder, moved to his head. Her fingertips brushed from his temples through his hair. Short, gentle strokes. “Because we need to talk. And because you love me, you’re going to listen.”
He wanted to argue. His body was still fighting him, though. He didn’t like the position, the vulnerability. It didn’t help that he’d been so wound up before she’d even tapped on his door.
“Hush,” she said, lowering her voice so he barely heard her. “Let it go. No one can see you. It’s just the two of us. You’re safe. You’re fine.”
The only thing he could think of was to do the breathing thing. In for ten, hold for six, out for ten. She kept petting him and he kept inhaling, exhaling, listening to her murmur soft words, some he couldn’t make out, some he figured weren’t words at all.
“That’s right,” she said. “That’s it.”
He noticed his shoulders had relaxed, that he’d stopped fighting. He let himself be cocooned in her soft embrace, let himself fall into her sweet, womanly scent. Every stroke of her fingertips made his heart calm a little bit more.
“Now comes the talking part,” she said. “I know you can’t tell me much. I don’t expect or want you to give away your secrets. But there are things you can say. Something’s eating at you, sweetie. Something big. And as strong as you are, my love, you can’t carry everything by yourself. Talk to me. Tell me what’s tying you in knots. Because it is my business. Whether you like it or not. But you don’t have to worry. I’ll listen, I’ll hear you, and when you’ve said it all, I’ll still love you. I’ll still be the same Renee. And you’ll be my Dan.”
He tensed again but didn’t move. He could be out of the bed in a heartbeat, and she’d understand, she would because she knew him better than anyone. So why didn’t she understand that he couldn’t tell her? Not this.
She kissed the top of his head. “I promise. You’re safe here.”
He pulled the edge of the sheet off the mattress as the pain in his chest tried to bust its way out. The ache in his bones seared him like a burn until his whole goddamn body was shaking.
She kissed his cheek, then his lips so gently it tore the resistance right out of him.
Closing his eyes, he exhaled slowly, praying, struggling for that last shred of self-control to stop him. Maybe if she hadn’t been holding him, he’d have more fight left, but this was Renee . . . .
Something broke inside. The damn that had been choking the life out of him. It was probably the worst idea ever to start talking now, but he couldn’t keep it inside. Everything he’d tried had failed. This might be his only shot.
&
nbsp; He took the deepest breath he could, then forged ahead. “I had a friend,” he said, and Jesus, his voice sounded wrecked. “His name was John, and he was my C.O. He was the best man I ever knew. Stronger and smarter than any SEAL I’d ever heard of. He was everything I wanted to be. I trained with him, and he didn’t let up, not once. But he believed in me. He was fearless, and he made me fearless. Our whole team, we could do anything. Anything. No task was too tough for us, because we all knew John could take it, and if he could, we could.
“He must have gotten mixed up, somehow. He was fine, everything had been fine, the mission, the plan, there was no confusion, it was all copasetic. But he walked out the wrong way. He walked out, turned left instead of right, and they killed him. They just blew his head off, because he wasn’t even ducking.
“We were all over them before the smoke cleared, but it was too late for John. The mission was successful, except he was dead. For no reason. He turned the wrong way.”
“God, I’m sorry,” she whispered, holding him as tight as she could. “So sorry.”
“I went to see his family. His wife. His mother. They were . . . God, they were devastated, and I couldn’t help them.”
He sniffed, looked up, even though he couldn’t make out her eyes in the dark. “I got scared, Renee. I can’t have that. There’s no room for that shit. I have to know who I am with every step. I can’t go out there with a chink in my armor. I have to get over it. Let it go. I can’t be worrying about someone going to see my parents. Coming to see you. I can’t.”
She squeezed him tight for a minute, then she went back to stroking his hair, breathing deep and easy, her body all around him. “Okay then,” she said. “Here’s what we’re gonna do. You’re going to give me that doubt. You’re gonna just hand it to me, and I’m going to hold it for you. I’m gonna keep it for as long as you need me to. For the rest of our lives. I will be your safe place. The place you get to be soft. Right here, just like this. When you leave my arms, you leave whole. Because you already are.
“You’re not broken, sweetie, you’re human. You’re incredibly strong. You’re a wonder. You’ll return to your team as the warrior you’ve always been. And you’ll know that at any time, you can come to me, and you’ll know that my arms are strong enough.”
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