On the way down to the car, I worried she might not get it and pictured how stupid I’d look explaining it to her. Oh well, too late now. I didn’t want to keep her waiting.
I hurried outside and Hayley waved to me from the car. I had a big dopey grin on my face as I opened the passenger door and got in. “Hi.”
“Hi,” she said and squinted at my shirt, reading it.
My heart pounded.
She laughed. “That’s from that show, right?”
“Firefly. Do you like it?”
“I thought it was pretty good. Casey likes it.” She pulled away from the curb.
I asked her what shows she liked, and we talked about shows and movies all the way there. We liked some of the same things, and it was a relief for me to know we had some things in common.
We got to the zoo and it was crowded. Lots of families with kids and I started thinking maybe this wasn’t the best idea. But it got better as we moved away from the front gate.
We went through the reptile house, Hayley pointing out neat animals and leaning close to read the information plaques. I heard the low whispering of the snakes and resisted the urge to talk to them. Unlike with Mew-Mew, I couldn’t talk to them psychically. I did use my power to coax a few out of hiding so she could see them. The king cobra was particularly impressive, rising up a little to flare his hood. I whispered a thanks to him as we left.
We wound our way along the trails past zebras, elephants, deer, hawks, all sorts of animals. There was a little food place near the aquarium entrance and we stopped to have lunch.
“I’m glad we came here,” she said. “It sorta makes me feel like a kid again.”
“I’m glad we came, too.” Even if it was weird having all the animals look at me and not be able to talk to them. I’d only ever had to play normal for strangers, and the other time I’d gone to the zoo, I just waited until people walked away. I couldn’t ditch Hayley to have a chat with a leopard.
“Did your parents take you to the zoo?” She made a face. “Sorry, I forgot.”
“It’s okay. My past sucks, but it’s the past. I’m happy to be where I am now, and I want to make new memories. Good memories.” I smiled and took another bite of my hot dog.
We went to the aquarium, which was mostly quiet to me. Fish aren’t on the “evil animals” list. Neither are dolphins, but they wouldn’t stop trying to talk to me. I did my best to ignore their chattering and just admire them like a normal person. I guess dolphins are just too damn smart and whatever lets me understand some animals was enough to bridge the small gap in communication between dolphins and humans.
At least the dolphins’ attempts to get my attention made a good show for Hayley and for the other people gathered at the underwater observation area. Eventually she was ready to move on, and I breathed a little sigh of relief. I’d have to come back alone some time and talk to them.
Then we went to the primate exhibit. That was a mistake. I forgot what happened at the other zoo until I heard the chimpanzees going nuts. With a few individual exceptions, all animals liked me, except for chimps. They fucking hated me. The only reason I could guess was that it was because of their close relation to humans, and a lot of humans were naturally wary of me. With people it was unconscious, but with chimps it caused them to freak out.
I stood with Hayley at the entrance to the winding path through the exhibit and wondered what to do. Things would only get worse if I got closer. “Do you mind if we skip the monkeys for now?” I asked her. “I really want to see the lions.”
“Sure, I guess.” She looked off down the path. “It sounds like they’re having a fight or something.”
“Maybe. Come on.” Hoping it would distract her, I took her hand. It kinda distracted me, too. She looked at me and smiled, and I tugged her toward the other path, the one that led around the primate exhibit and toward the lions.
The big cats were sleeping, but they perked up when they smelled me coming. “They’re so big,” Hayley said as the male stretched and yawned.
“And beautiful.” I leaned against the barrier.
“Are you sad for them, stuck in this little space?”
I met her gaze. “Yeah. But they’re captive bred. They don’t know what freedom is like. Which is sad, too.”
“I wish they didn’t have to be stuck here.”
“Me, too. But at least they’re safe and well cared for.” I took her hand. “Let’s move on and try to think happy thoughts.” I didn’t want to dwell on this or I might start plotting a way to free them all.
She squeezed my hand and smiled. “Okay.”
My heart did a little flutter and for a while I forgot about everything else.
***
As she pulled up in front of my building she said, “Well, that was definitely a memorable first date.”
“Yeah.” And I didn’t want it to end. I wanted to make it even more memorable. My heart kicked up to double time as I had a brief argument with myself. Impulse won over fear. I unbuckled my seatbelt and leaned over. Hayley’s eyes widened a little and I had a second of panic, but then she smiled and turned to meet me.
Holy fuck, I’m really gonna kiss her. And then I was and it felt like magic. She tasted like the mini doughnuts we’d had before we left the zoo, warm sweetness. I leaned closer, wanting more. This is really real, and it’s really happening. I pulled back to look at her, and her eyes were hazy. I did that; I made her look that way. A warm flush went through me. And she made me feel like this.
All these emotions and thoughts rose up, too many and too confusing for me to sort through. Overwhelmed. I was overwhelmed, that’s the best way I can put it. “See you Monday,” I said, and got out of the car. At the top of the apartment stairs I turned and waved. She waved back. I looked back one more time before going inside. Part of me wanted to float up the stairs, but the other part of me felt like a weight. I walked up to my apartment, trying to figure out what was wrong with me.
Mew-Mew, come home.
Is something wrong?
Nothing bad. I’m just confused.
I’m on my way.
Of course, I was so lost in thought that I made it to my apartment before realizing I had to go back down the stairs to let my cat in. Then I wondered if I could open the door with my power. I could move things, so why not a doorknob a floor away? It took a few tries, but it worked. It helped to clear my head a little, too.
So what’s wrong?
I leaned down to pick him up. “I don’t know. I kissed Hayley and it was great, but also really confusing.”
I can try to help, but this is human stuff I don’t understand.
“Shit, you’re right. I need to call Stefan.” It was Saturday but it was still early so I hoped he wasn’t out with his college friends yet.
He answered on the third ring. “Hello?”
“Hi, Stefan. Do you have a few minutes to talk? It’s nothing serious. Well, not end of the world serious.” I didn’t want him to freak out.
“Sure. What’s going on?”
I told him about kissing Hayley and my reaction. “I mean, I should be all happy and shit, but I’m confused.”
“What are you confused about?”
“I don’t know. All these thoughts came rushing in and it took some of the joy out of it.”
“What kind of thoughts? Try to pick one out.”
I sighed and petted Mew-Mew, who’d curled up on my lap. “Like she wasn’t really kissing me, she was kissing who she thought I was.”
“You know how you’re always saying you’re not like your dad? Well, you just proved it,” he said. “You feel guilty for lying to her.”
I sat up a little straighter. “Huh. I guess you’re right.” There were other things, but right now that seemed to be the most important. “I’ve been lying to her since I met her. She doesn’t know who I really am. But it’s not like I can tell her. Either she’d think I was nuts or she’d freak the fuck out.”
“So what can you do?�
�
“I don’t know.”
“I agree you can’t tell her, so either you have to make peace with the fact she can’t know the real you, or…”
“I need to break up with her.” I thought about it for a moment. “I really don’t want to.”
“Look at it this way, would you rather break up with her or keep lying to her?”
“That’s not a nice way to put it.” It made me feel a little sick.
“It’s a straightforward way to put it. I’m trying to help you.”
“I know.” He wasn’t trying to be mean. Could I break up with Hayley? Could I pass her in the hall every day, remembering how good it felt to kiss her—before I got confused and guilty? If I did, I’d have to stop sitting with Casey at lunch. I’d lose the new friends I’d made, too.
“I’m not that noble,” I told him.
“So you’ll keep lying to her?”
Ugh. He didn’t have to fucking rub it in. “Her and all my new friends. I try to lie as little as possible. I guess I’ll have to stop feeling guilty about it.”
“Keep the guilt. Like I said, it proves you’re different from your dad. But accept the fact that Hayley can’t know the real you, and all she’ll know is what you think is safe to tell her.”
“Things are getting complicated.” I sighed.
“Well, that’s life,” Stefan said.
Chapter 8
“I don’t have time to stand here and pose,” I told the kami. “I need to learn how to fight. I don’t know how long Joshua’s protection will last.”
“You need to learn form first.”
“Isn’t there a faster way to do it?” I’d been standing in this position for ten minutes, and it was boring.
“There are no shortcuts to proper form.” He sat on his cushion and watched me.
“What if he comes in the middle of the night and grabs me before I can wake up and exorcize him?” Now there was a pleasant thought.
“Focus.”
I kept quiet for about two minutes. I wasn’t even holding Animus, just standing there with my legs apart. Proper fighting stance, he said.
“I thought if I exorcized him once, it might keep him out for good, but I guess it wears off. This sword is the only thing that actually hurts him. I just need to know what I’m doing when I use her. It doesn’t have to be proper.”
“Yes, it does,” the kami sword maker insisted. “Stop your jabbering and concentrate on your body. Memorize how it feels to hold the proper stance.”
This time I lasted five minutes. “Okay, I memorized it. Can I draw my sword yet?”
“No.” His voice rose a little. I was really irritating him. “If you hold that pose quietly until I say you can stop, I will give you something to keep Satan out of your home.”
“What is it? How do you know it’ll work?”
“Quietly.”
I closed my mouth. Curiosity burned inside me, and it was fucking hard to stay still and not ask questions. I had to find out what it was, and he might be serious about not giving it to me if I didn’t do what he said.
Just when I thought I couldn’t take it anymore, he said, “You may relax.”
I slumped with a sigh. My muscles hurt. “So what is it?”
“So impatient.” The kami stood. “Follow me.”
In another room, a kami sat at a writing desk, carefully painting characters. Little scrolls covered shelves that stretched along either side of the room. A hum of power rose off them. “Takumi creates powerful spells for luck, prosperity, fertility… and protection.”
“Like the kind of protection that’ll keep Satan out of my apartment?” Fuck, that would be so great.
“I cannot guarantee it will work against a god,” Takumi said, “but my spells work against very powerful demons.”
That brought up a thought. “Uh, would it work against me? I’d hate to kick myself out of my own apartment.”
“If you are the one to place the spells, they should not work against you, but I will put your name on them to be sure.” Takumi stood and went to one of the shelves. “I will give you four spells, one for each of your walls. After you place each one, offer it some incense and ring a small bell seven times.”
“That’s it?” It sounded easy.
“Yes.” He picked up four little scrolls. “I will have them ready by the end of your lesson.”
“Come, Alex,” the sword maker said. “Your stance needs much practice.”
I stifled a groan. Great, more standing around.
***
The scrolls tingled in my hands, and I set them down to unroll the first one. This one would go right by the door. I’d asked how to put them up, and Takumi told me a nail would do fine. Putting a nail through each end of the scroll would keep it securely on the wall and wouldn’t do any harm to the spell. I offered the incense and rang the bell I’d picked up on the way home. The next scroll went behind the couch, between my bookshelves. The next on the wall between the window in the living room and the kitchen. The last scroll went in my bedroom, right above my bed.
Each wall started a soft hum as I placed the scrolls, and when I rang the bell for the last time, I felt a snap as the protection fully took hold. I’d have to wait and see if it worked, but I felt a hell of a lot better with the barrier in place.
***
I’d texted Hayley over the weekend to apologize for the way I reacted after kissing her, and she texted back that it was okay. I was too much of a coward to talk to her, worried that maybe I’d really fucked things up. So I was dreading seeing her at school on Monday, almost as much as I was looking forward to seeing her again. Like I said, life had gotten really confusing. I caught her in the hall after first period and apologized again in person.
“It’s okay,” she said, but she didn’t look like it was okay.
“Look, I know I shouldn’t have left like that. It was just really confusing.” I didn’t know what to say to her without telling the truth. I’d have to lie to her again already, but I wanted to keep it to a minimum, even if it meant embarrassing myself. “I mean I never… that was my… first.”
Her eyebrow went up. “Your first kiss?”
I nodded.
“Oh. Was it… did I do something wrong?”
“No, no.” I shook my head, desperately trying to think of something that wasn’t a lie. “It felt really good. Too good.” I sighed. “I’ve got a lot of baggage, and it brought some stuff up. I didn’t know how to deal with it, so I just left. I feel like shit for leaving you like that.”
She frowned. “Do you want to talk about it? Sometimes it helps to talk.”
If she only knew how shitty that made me feel. “No. I can’t.”
She took my hand. “Okay. But if you ever do want to talk, I’m here for you.”
That made me feel even worse, but my other choice was to break up with her and avoid her, Casey, and their friends for the rest of my time here. Or move to another school and start all over again. Why couldn’t this just be easy? “I know. Thanks.” I squeezed her hand. “If I ever am ready, I’ll tell you.” The words came out of me, a promise. “And if I kiss you again, I won’t run off.”
“Really?” Her face brightened.
“Really.” So I kissed her, right there in the middle of the hallway. She smiled as she pulled back.
The bell rang and I looked up. We had to get to class. “Uh, about the running away thing…”
Hayley laughed. “See you at lunch,” she said and gave me a quick kiss before hurrying down the hall.
***
We went on a few more dates, and I even went to her house to meet her parents. We had dinner together, and it was sort of awkward and nice at the same time. They seemed to be okay with me, and they were grateful to me for sticking up for Casey.
A few days after that, I took Hayley up to my apartment and gave her a brief tour. I introduced her to Mew-Mew, and he purred and was generally cute for her benefit. She liked cats, which was good. If sh
e didn’t, that would have been a deal breaker.
“Wow, this is cool.” She reached out toward Animus.
“Don’t!”
She froze and gave me a confused look.
“It’s… fragile and I don’t want anyone touching it.” I didn’t know what might happen if she touched my sword, and I didn’t want risk something bad happening.
“Oh, okay.” She lowered her hand. Looking at the wall again her gaze settled on the spell scroll. “What’s this?”
I searched for something and decided I didn’t want to lie. “It’s a protection spell, to keep the apartment safe.”
“From what?”
“Evil.” I shrugged.
“Are you superstitious?”
“A little.” I guess you could call it that, although I didn’t believe in supernatural forces, I knew they were real.
“Huh.” She turned away and went into the kitchen. I showed her the small space, although there wasn’t much to see. Then we went down the tiny hall and I pointed at the bathroom before stepping into my bedroom.
“And here’s my bedroom.” I waved my hand at it.
“It’s a little messy.”
“Then maybe I shouldn’t admit I cleaned it before you came over.” The bed was made, and most of my clothes were put away.
Hayley laughed. “Boys.” She kissed me, gentle at first, but it quickly became something more. Her tongue slid between my lips and I groaned. Making out with Hayley was one of my most favorite things, ever.
Slowly, she tugged me toward the bed. We lay side by side, still kissing, her fingers running through my hair. I finally came up for air.
“I have a beautiful girl in my bed.” I smiled, my head pleasantly fuzzy.
“And what are you going to do about it?” Her pupils were dilated, her lips slightly swollen. Fingers skimmed along the waistband of my jeans where my shirt had ridden up.
Saint of Sinners Page 5