His tone made it clear he thought he'd done the changing by saying he wouldn't be happy with a woman who didn't volunteer, and unfortunately he was mostly right so I couldn't think of anything to say back.
He smiled. "Whatever did it, I'm glad. It makes you even more impressive."
He gave my shoulder a squeeze, his eyes intent on mine in that way that made me want to kiss him and want to run away at the same time, then left me to try to work while desire swirled through me.
Chapter Twenty-Three
"You don't have to. It's okay, really."
"I want to. I owe you. I owe you a lot more, but this is a start."
I leaned back in my chair and looked up at Sasha. "But you did the report last month. You shouldn't have to do it twice in a row."
"And you shouldn't have had to cancel your date and spend the evening with my kid. But you did. And I'm doing this."
I took a breath to refuse again, and something in her expression reminded me of Larissa offering to replace the slippers Paddington had ruined. I hadn't let my friend do that for me, and now she was halfway around the world probably up to her eyeballs in sand. My refusal couldn't possibly be the reason she'd gone, but she'd wanted to do something nice for me and I hadn't let her and now neither of us had the satisfaction of it having happened. I could respond differently this time. "Are you sure? It's tedious."
She gave me a wry smile. "Trust me, I know. How many princess books did you read again?"
I had to laugh. "If you're really sure, I'd love to not do the report." It felt weird admitting that I was willing to let her take over the job I didn't want, felt like I was forcing her into it. But she'd offered. But maybe she'd felt like she had to. "Honestly, though, it's okay. I'm glad I was able to help."
"So am I. And I'm going to show you how glad by doing the report." She glanced at Felix's closed office door. "He's off for the afternoon. At his Friday afternoon management group." We rolled our eyes in unison, both knowing "management group" was a overdone title for what was really Felix and some of his buddies from grad school hanging out at a bar drinking cognac and no doubt bitching about their employees. "But it means you can be off too. Go home. Relax!"
In anticipation of needing the afternoon for the report I'd already written my day's post and cleared up all the other little tasks awaiting my attention. I could take the afternoon off. Sit at home and watch TV, or give Paddington a really long walk, or even spend ages getting ready for my date.
A little voice in the back of my head said, "Courses."
It wouldn't be as fun as frittering the afternoon away, but I could go to Starbucks and fight my way through the courses I'd been carrying around in my laptop for months or even years.
The thought of it felt warm and solid somehow. Not fancy or exciting, just comfortable and safe. Good.
"I'll be at Starbucks," I said, "if you need me."
She grinned. "Relaxing, I hope."
I tipped my head from side to side and told her briefly about the courses. "I think it's what I need to do and I know I'll feel better when it's done. Thanks for giving me the time to do it."
She waved this off with, "Get out of here before I change my mind. Good luck with the courses. Oh, and have a great date tonight."
"Will do." I looked toward Percy's desk to say goodbye, to find him looking at me. "Have a good weekend."
"You too." He smiled. "And thanks for lunch."
I'd insisted on treating him because he'd treated me the day before, and we'd talked briefly about how he'd felt returning to the job but then chatted about everything and anything we could think of. At the end I'd told him, "I didn't realize how much I missed you. Don't take off again," and he'd given me a mock bow and promised he wouldn't. I hoped he meant it, both for my sake of having a good lunch buddy and his of really needing to pull his life together.
"My pleasure."
At Starbucks I dropped off my jacket to lay claim to my favorite table then went to buy my usual cookie and cream-topped drink. As I waited in line, though, I realized I didn't always feel so good after those fat-filled choices. I scanned the menu, and by the time I reached the front of the line I'd narrowed my options down to two.
My favorite cashier smiled at me. "The usual?"
I shook my head. "I'm in need of a change."
She pretended shock. "But you always get the same thing. You're turning my world upside down."
"Deal with it," I said, smiling. "Which is better, the chai tea latte or the caramel macchiato?" I picked up an almond biscotti from the display in front of her. "To go with this, I mean."
"The macchiato's nowhere near as sweet as what you're used to but if you like the taste of coffee it'd be great. The tea latte isn't that sweet either, but it's my favorite drink for what that's worth."
"All right, let's go with that. Can you make it with skim milk?" Might as well change everything at once.
"Aren't you the one who told me skim milk is like water with a little white paint mixed in?"
"Can't a girl try something different without being abused?"
"Apparently not." She grinned and called my order to her coworker, then said to me, "Enjoy your paint water."
"I will, just to spite you."
My first sip of the drink was a shock since I usually drank the richer lattes, but my second made up for it. The tea's strong flavor meant that I didn't miss the extra fat, and why bother taking in fat if I wouldn't even notice it?
I dipped the biscotti in my cup and took a tentative nibble. I certainly noticed the lack of sweetness, but there was strange pleasure in it. All the other flavors, the spiciness of the tea and that distinctive almond taste, were so much clearer and brighter without the sugar. Another bite, bigger this time, and I felt like a mature Frenchwoman at a cafe in Paris.
"Delicieux," I said to myself, then couldn't think of how to add "Fire up your laptop and get to those courses" in French so I just did it.
My typical course-related ennui hit me at once, but I took a deep breath and pushed it aside. I wouldn't leave Starbucks until I finished my snack, so why not do what I knew I wanted to even though I didn't feel like it?
I opened the first course's files and skimmed through them. I'd bought it days after I started working for Felix, back when I'd had no idea how to write for the Internet. Now, though, there wasn't a single thing in the course I didn't already know.
After a moment's thought, I deleted the course files. A pang of guilt over the money I'd spent on it twinged in me, but I made myself relax, stretching my neck and releasing the guilt at the same time. The object had been to learn how to write. I'd done that. So, in a way, the course had done its job even though I hadn't done the course.
The next two were completely out of date since I'd left them so long, dealing with how to maintain profiles on social media sites that no longer existed. My guilt grew stronger, but once I'd deleted their files I again managed to shake it off. Yes, I should have done these ages ago. But at least I was dealing with them now, and I wouldn't buy courses again unless I was sure I could use them right away.
The communications course I wanted so badly popped into my mind, but I set it aside. I would not even think of buying anything else until I'd finished with these ones.
I plowed ahead, checking each course in turn. Most were useless to me now and a few seemed like they couldn't possibly be useful to anyone. Luckily, most of those had been things I'd downloaded for free, so at least I'd only wasted a bit of time and not all that much money. Apparently my course-collecting philosophy was the same as my thrift-shopping one: get anything that seemed even close to right and sort it out later.
But now that I was sorting, I was questioning that philosophy, at least for courses. If I couldn't see right away that a particular course would be useful, why bother downloading it? I was only pushing the work of deciding what to keep off onto my future self, and I didn't think she'd appreciate it. I certainly wasn't appreciating it now that I was the future self.<
br />
After about an hour I'd worked my way through half of the courses. I'd deleted nearly all of them, but several had given me at least a few nuggets of information and one had contained the answer to a page-formatting question I'd been struggling with for ages. That alone made the exercise worthwhile.
I took a short break to check email, and once I'd taken care of everything that needed a response I sent another one to Larissa.
Hey there. I'm getting worried that I haven't heard from you. I know getting adjusted in Kuwait is probably a huge crazy thing but if you can find a second to drop me an email I'd really appreciate it. I hope everything is going well there.
I wanted to say more but I didn't know what, so I sent it off. I couldn't understand why she'd gone, especially in what seemed to be such a last-minute way, and I hoped she'd answer and tell me.
I spent a few minutes responding to comments on my last post then reformatted one of my site's pages using what I'd learned from the course. The page came out exactly as I'd hoped, and in delight I fired off a 'look what I learned how to do' email to Percy with it attached.
So at least one of the courses had been thoroughly valuable. I again thought of the communications course I wanted, and made myself a promise: get through the other courses today and you can buy that one.
I got back to work, sipping my cooling but still delicious latte between each course, and by the time the drink was gone I had an empty courses folder, a small list of useful facts and information, and one full course saved into its own folder because its detailed guidelines for how to promote a web site were too much to absorb in one reading. I'd done the first lesson, though, and I had also booked an hour a week into my schedule to work on the others. No way would I let this useful information sit around any longer.
I leaned back in my chair and stretched out my neck, feeling strangely free and clean while also unexpectedly sad. I'd had seventeen courses and now I had one. The one was worth all the others put together, but there'd been a certain sense of possibility in having all of those options around. Now the possibility was gone, and I couldn't help but miss it.
With my head bent down in the stretch, the teal scarf I wore caught my eye. I'd bought so many scarves when I bought it because they'd all had potential for me. But I only ever wore this one because I loved it. So why bother having so many that cluttered me up physically and mentally? It was just like with the courses.
But no, it wasn't. I could at any time decide to start wearing one of my many other scarves, and if I didn't have the collection I wouldn't have the option to change my mind and add some variety to my outfit and my life.
Besides, I'd bought a single purse and I was constantly struggling with it. Restricting myself to one clothing-related choice clearly didn't work for me.
What would work, though, would be that communications course. I sat up straight, wriggling my shoulders to release a little more tension, then gave my bank account a quick check on my phone and decided that if I cut down on shopping for a bit I could afford the course. I knew it'd be worthwhile, and I could survive without a few more extra scarves.
I hit the course's web page, and realized Sasha had given me a bigger gift than either of us had thought. The course was on a half-price sale until the end of February, which was today. I'd save a ton of money and still get the course I wanted.
Minutes later, I'd downloaded the files to my laptop and was happily reading through the first few pages. As I'd expected, it was exactly what I needed.
I glanced at my watch. I had plenty of time before meeting Calvin, so I could go back to the office and let Sasha know how I'd used my time and how it had paid off on the new course. She'd probably be pleased.
She was ecstatic, actually. "I love when stuff like that happens. I hope you learn lots."
"I will, I'm sure. I already did reading just the introduction."
She grinned, then took a deep breath and said in a rush, "Maybe we could have coffee together next week and you could tell me about it."
I blinked, surprised she'd want to since we'd never been the coffee-date kind of coworkers, and she started to backpedal, babbling about how she didn't want to pressure me. Before she could completely retract the offer, though, I said, "No, that'd be great. I was just thinking about when would work."
She smiled, clearly relieved, and we consulted our respective calendars and settled on Monday afternoon.
"I may not have learned much more by then," I warned. "I don't want to rush through it and I have another one to do too."
She shrugged. "It'll be fun either way."
I wasn't so sure, since we had nothing in common and might end up sitting there staring blankly at each other, but I smiled and said, "Yup. I should get going."
"Yeah, to get ready for your hot date."
"Exactly." I looked around and saw Percy hard at work. "Hey, Percy, see you Monday."
He looked up. "Actually, what are you doing Sunday?"
"Nothing," I said, feeling warmed that he wanted to hang out and glad that I had no other plans so we could. "What did you have in mind?"
The warmth faded fast when he said, "I really like what you did with that web page. I put together a few mock-ups of similar ones and if you like one we could convert your whole site to the new look. Then it can all go live at once Monday morning."
Spend a rare Sunday with no other commitments on work? I'd rather not. But he was right that having a solid chunk of uninterrupted time to convert the site would be far better than trickling out new pages over days. "Yeah, that's cool. Want to come to my place? Easier with the dog."
He agreed so I said, "I'll email you the directions. Okay, gotta go. See you then."
"Yup. Enjoy your date."
I felt my cheeks go hot, which was weird since I hadn't cared that Sasha or Felix knew about it. "Will do."
Chapter Twenty-Four
"Again, I'm really sorry I was late."
I shrugged, smiling at Calvin. "You let me know beforehand. And it was only fifteen minutes." I had wondered whether his 'running late dropping off my son but will be there soon' text was a prelude to a 'can't make it' text to come, but I'd gone to the restaurant anyhow, figuring I could at least have a nice dinner alone if he bailed out on me.
He hadn't, though, and looking across the table at him made me glad. Tall, dark, handsome, and the dim light made his green eyes hypnotic.
We both ordered a cocktail while we waited for our meals to be ready, and we sipped and chatted comfortably, with a lot of flirting mixed in, until his phone rang and he had to leave to attend to the caller outside where it was quiet.
To entertain myself in his absence I flipped through the wine list, where I spotted a red I'd heard good things about and had been dying to try. I flagged down our waiter and ordered myself a glass to have with my steak, figuring that if Calvin wanted one too we could request it when the food arrived.
Calvin returned right when that happened, and he looked confused when the waiter placed my wine in front of me.
"Oh, I ordered a glass while you were outside. Do you want one too?"
He shook his head, still looking confused.
When the waiter was gone, Calvin said to me, "Do you usually drink this much?"
I blinked. "What do you mean? I had a cocktail, same as you, and I love red wine but I've never been able to try this one before. I don't think two drinks is excessive." Part of me wanted to add, "Do you?" but his expression made it clear that he did so I didn't bother.
He nodded slowly, like he was trying to process some bizarre situation.
"If it's the money, I'm happy to pay for it."
This seemed to shock him out of whatever was going on in his head. "Oh, no, I asked you out so I'm paying. It's not the money anyhow. I guess I've just never dated a real drinker before."
I wasn't sure I liked being called a 'real drinker', like I was sitting there throwing back shots instead of savoring a glass of wine, but I didn't want to wreck our evening s
o I smiled and said, "Well, I won't get another one tonight. Is that good enough?"
He smiled too, clearly also wanting us to move on. "Sounds like a plan. So, tell me more about your job."
I did, and he told me about his as an advertising executive, and we gradually got back to the relaxed pleasant atmosphere we'd had at the beginning.
Until he wrecked it yet again.
It started innocently enough. He was telling me how he and his ex-wife had lived in a crappy apartment building when they first got married and how smart I'd been to invest my inheritance in my house, then he said, "Have you ever been married?"
I shook my head. "And to answer what'll probably be your next few questions, nobody ever asked me and no, I'm not at home alone crying over it every night. I'd like to be with someone because I think it'd be nice to have a partner in life, but I'm quite happy to do my own thing and occasionally go out on dates."
I expected him to move on, but instead he said, "How often is occasionally?"
"I don't know, I don't keep a count. I guess every month or two?"
"Forgive me if this is too forward, but how many of those men end up knowing you more... intimately, if you know what I mean?"
I did know, all too well. No guy ever asked that out of idle curiosity, and I leaned back in my chair, feeling a sinking sense of the inevitable. "Some. Why?"
He'd obviously expected a different answer, probably a frantic defense of my honor, because he blinked several times before he said, "I think it's important to know each other's number before we go too much further. Mine is nine, for the record. I wouldn't be comfortable with a woman who'd had more experience than me in the bedroom."
Nine total. I'd been with three guys in the last year. I'd thought Calvin was a sexy guy, but he was actually something far worse: the dreaded 'I can have multiple partners but you can't' hypocrite. I'd dealt with them before and it never ended well.
Toronto Collection Volume 3 (Toronto Series #10-13) Page 13