"Not at all." She returned my smile, then sighed. "You've seen me at restaurants. I hide. I hide everywhere. I can't risk losing someone else because of my work, and so hiding seems safer. Hiding, and not being open."
"I get it. I do the same thing."
She turned so sharply she nearly dropped my bear. "You do not. Not at all. That's why I thought, what little I did think, that you were okay to help me with the book. You came here, you started a new life. I read the details of your case, and I know from my own cases what kind of details they probably left out, not that what was in there wasn't bad enough. You went through a serious shitstorm and you came out clean."
I shook my head, but she went on. "Okay, not completely clean. Nobody comes through something like that without being at least a little bit changed. But listen. You left the country you'd been in and came here. Whole new neighborhood, whole new office, whole new life. And you're managing it. From what I can see, you're doing a lot better than I am. You were even strong enough to help me with the cases for the book, and then strong enough to refuse when I went too far. Don't underestimate your progress. I think you're kicking ass."
I leaned back against the couch, too surprised to speak. I couldn't argue with any of what she said, but I still felt like I was coming apart at the seams. Clearly it didn't show, though. Maybe I was doing better than I thought. Except on the romantic front.
"Do you forgive me?" Her voice was more tentative than I imagined it had been in a long time.
I nodded. "And I'm sorry about what you went through."
"Yeah, well, right back at you." She shook her head. "Do you have wine? I think we need it."
I chuckled. "I agree. But I've got nothing."
She got to her feet. "Luckily I do." She held out my bear. "Take care of this guy while I'm gone."
She returned with the wine, then the pizza arrived, and we spent the evening eating and drinking and talking about our respective life tragedies. The bear went back and forth between us, and picked up quite a few more tears on its head and a smudge of pizza sauce on its cheek, but Jillian and I both felt so much better by the end of the night that I didn't mind a bit.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Howard and I hadn't spoken since I'd left him after the hotel fiasco, and I didn't have any plans to change that, but on Thursday I felt him watching me frequently and looking away every time I glanced at him. That weirdness, combined with the discomfort of slogging through the climactic violent scene of Mike's book, made me feel so awkward that I was almost relieved when a bit before lunch he cleared his throat and said, "Alexa, can I talk to you in the conference room?"
Jake and Carly and Rosanna snapped their heads up in unison, and Carly said, "What about, honey?"
He didn't answer her. He sat waiting, his solemn eyes fixed to my face, until I sighed and said, "Okay." I didn't want to, but I also didn't like the tension in the office as Rosanna and Jake sided with me against him and Carly. Maybe talking to him would clear the air.
He followed me down the hall and we closed the conference room door then sat in silence.
Finally he said, "Look, I don't get it but I'm sorry."
"Don't get what?"
He shrugged. "The whole thing. I can honestly say I have no idea what happened. I really thought you were ready but then you were furious at me, and I called Carly that night because I didn't understand what the hell was going on and she came over to talk to me and somehow we--"
"I know, she said." I wished I hadn't spoken, because I wanted to know whether he'd have told me the truth. Too late now, so I added, "You two had breakfast together. Eventually."
He winced. "She told you that? All of you?"
"Yup."
Shaking his head, he said, "I wouldn't have told. No reason to. Anyhow, I swear to you I didn't call her for that. I wanted her to help me understand what was going on with you, that's all. We sat in the room and raided the mini bar and talked and eventually it got late and I said she could stay and she gave me a hug and kissed me and ..." He shrugged again. "You and I... I'd been all worked up for days, and then I was a bit drunk and Carly grabbed me and it just happened."
I leaned back in my chair. "You could have said no, right? But you didn't."
He took a breath and I felt sure he'd launch into a defense, but instead he held the air in for a moment then let it out in a long breath that was nearly a sigh. "Yeah. I could have but I didn't. Not proud of it, but that's the truth."
I knew it was, and despite everything I found myself respecting him for not blustering about how it had been all Carly's fault.
We sat in silence again for quite a while, then he said, "So, what happens now?"
I looked at him, remembering the feel of his mouth on mine and his hands on my skin. It seemed like a lifetime ago, and though the memories did stir me I didn't feel any interest in a reenactment. "With us? Nothing. You're with Carly now."
"Yeah." He rubbed a hand over his chin. "Yeah, I am. But can we be friends again?"
I wasn't sure that we'd ever been friends, really. But though I would never date him again, and I would also never trust him fully, I did prefer some level of friendship to how we'd been the last few days. "Yeah. I think so."
He gave me a relieved grin. "Thank you. God, it's been so awkward. I've wanted to call in sick every day."
"Me too," I said, then realized that I hadn't felt that way since I'd talked to Jake. He really did make everything seem simpler and clearer, and even the revelation of his feelings for me hadn't changed anything between us. But I didn't need to say that to Howard, and I didn't get a chance anyhow because he was going on.
"I can't stop thinking about you having to deal with Mike's book. I feel awful for you. Are you absolutely positive you don't want me to take it over?"
With the morning I'd had facing the book's horrors, I was anything but positive. When I didn't speak right away he said, "I'm not trying to take it from you, not for myself. I just..." He shook his head. "It seems like one nice thing I can do for you. I haven't done much else nice."
To my surprise, I found myself smiling at him. "I seem to remember a few nice things. Time on the couch and so forth."
His neck turned red. "Yeah, well, that wasn't just nice for you. Trust me, I enjoyed it."
But our passion hadn't given him hope that he'd be able to handle a relationship some day. We'd both liked it physically but it had meant much more to me.
At least, it had until he'd shared the same things and much more with Carly.
Thinking of her, remembering how he'd told me not to give up Mike's novel to her or to anyone, made me say, "I'm fine with the book. Really. It is tough, yeah, but it's getting easier. I'm right in the midst of the worst violent parts now and I admit that's a struggle, but I should be okay."
He nodded. "Glad to hear it." Then he held out a hand to me. "Friends?"
We shook as I said, "Friends."
*****
We proved that we really had become friends when we all went out for lunch together and Howard and I were able to talk and joke around with each other. Rosanna murmured, "Nice job forgiving him," and Jake's smile told me he was proud of me too, and the four of us were almost like normal.
The fifth member of our group, though, barely spoke over lunch. When Howard and I had come out of the conference room together Carly had jumped to her feet and stared at him, and he'd smiled and said, "No worries, babe. Alexa and I are fine now. Everything's fine." This made her look more tense, not less, but he hadn't seemed to notice.
He did notice, though, during lunch, and he asked her several times what was wrong but she just shook her head and said, "Nothing, right? Everything's fine. That's what you said."
She didn't waver from her insistence that everything was fine until the end of the day, when she took Howard into the same conference room where we'd talked. They only stayed there a few minutes, then he came out looking confused and hurt and left without speaking to any of us.
&nb
sp; Carly sniffled as she walked to her desk, and I looked up to see her face streaked with tears.
"What's wrong?" Rosanna said, but I heard a cool note in her voice. I knew she'd been outraged by Carly hooking up with Howard so soon after my relationship with him, and apparently she wasn't quite over it.
"We broke up." Carly sank into her chair as if she weighed a thousand pounds. "I just couldn't do it any more."
Nobody commented, but she went on as if we had. "No, I really couldn't. It's not fair to Alexa."
I blinked, and she gave me a soggy smile and said, "You've been so brave, but I know that how quickly Howard got together with me hurt you. I've been feeling awful about it the whole time and now I just can't handle it any more. So I broke up with him."
Right after he and I decided we could be friends? Why not before, when it had actually and obviously been painful for me?
Jake cleared his throat. "Well, that's too bad. You guys seemed perfect together."
His tone was innocent but since I knew he didn't approve of how Howard had treated me I felt sure he didn't intend this as a compliment.
Carly, though, said, "Aw, that's so sweet of you. Thanks. But I'll be okay." She sniffled again. "I'll just have to be strong. Like Alexa."
My eyes tried to roll, but I managed to resist.
"Speaking of strong," Rosanna said, "you ready for kick boxing, Alexa?"
We'd both become bored with yoga, and on Monday after the whole Howard and Carly thing Rosanna had suggested we take a kick boxing class instead and pretend we were beating them up. I chuckled at the memory of her delight at her own suggestion. "Not sure, honestly, but let's go find out."
We picked up our gym bags, and Carly said wistfully, "I've always wanted to try kick boxing."
Rosanna said, in a tone breezier than a thousand wind-swept beaches, "We'll let you know if it's any fun." Before Carly could answer she added, "Good night, Jake."
"Bye," he said. "Enjoy your kicking. You too, Alexa."
I smiled at him and followed Rosanna out. Once we reached the street she burst out laughing. "I love ignoring Carly's hints. It's like a sport."
I laughed too but had to say, "If you wanted her to come I'd be okay with--"
Her violent head-shake cut me off. "Only if she's the punching bag for the class. I really don't like her."
"Wow, I didn't know. I thought you were just annoyed about her and Howard."
She rolled her eyes. "Well, that too. But it's everything. Rhonda loves her, so I figure being nice to her is a good move politically. But she's got more faces than a portrait gallery and I don't trust any of them."
I laughed. "Me either. But I trust yours."
The words came out casually, but I realized as I said them that I truly did trust her, and it made me smile widely at her.
She smiled back the same way. "Right back at you. Now let's go pretend to kick each other."
Chapter Thirty-Five
I staggered into the office the next morning and laughed to see Rosanna walking around with my same lurching gait. "You too?"
She grinned at me then gave a dramatic mock grimace. "Even my hair hurts. What possessed us to take two classes back-to-back?"
I tried to shrug but couldn't, and we laughed together.
Though we were in agony, it had been a great night. The first class had been so much fun that we'd stayed on for the second, then we'd showered and gone out for dinner together. We'd both had difficulty getting out of our chairs after the meal and we'd known we'd be sore, but I'd barely been able to get out of bed that morning and she clearly felt the same way.
Still, bonding together over it had already been fun and no doubt it would continue to be that way.
"Want to have lunch with me?"
I nodded. "A big bowl of painkillers, maybe?"
She laughed. "Deal."
"Oh, and I have great news. Should distract you from your muscles."
"Then bring it on already."
I grinned. "Stella fell asleep on my lap last night."
Rosanna, who knew how much I'd wanted poor Stella to feel comfortable enough to do that, clapped her hands. "I'd hug you but I can't raise my arms that high. That's so awesome."
"I know. We were watching TV and then I heard her snoring. I've never been so happy to hear someone snore."
We laughed, and Jake stuck his head out of the hall by the conference room and said, "Rosanna, are we still meeting here?"
She pouted at him. "All the way down there?"
He raised his eyebrows at me. "This is a long way? It's fifty feet. Maybe."
"Hey, I'm with her," I said. "I wouldn't walk that far either. Not even sure I could."
He laughed. "Kick boxing went well, I take it."
"If I could lift my arm, I'd show you," Rosanna said.
"Then I'm glad you can't. What if Alexa and I go get you a cappuccino? Would that help?"
Over her "Definitely" I said, "Are you carrying me? Because I can't walk either."
"I will if you insist." He moved toward us. "But we could go just downstairs. A little walking would probably be good for your muscles and I wouldn't mind a chance to--"
He froze and cut himself off as the office door opened and Carly walked in.
I waited for him to finish, then said, "A chance to what?"
He blinked. "I... nothing. Okay, fine, I'll get cappuccinos on my own. Rosanna, you want one?"
She did, and so did I. He didn't ask Carly, a blatant rudeness which surprised me more than the way he hadn't finished his sentence, and they also didn't look at each other as he left the office. They'd never been good friends but the coldness confused me.
Once the door closed behind him Carly said, "Rhonda and Howard aren't here?"
"Nope," Rosanna said.
"Good." She hurried over to stand in front of my desk. "I have to tell you guys something."
"I have work to do," Rosanna said.
"Not until Jake gets back. Look, it'll just take a second. And you should know. It's important."
Rosanna sighed and leaned back in her chair then winced. "God, my abs."
I smiled. "I hear you."
Carly didn't acknowledge this. "It's about Jake. I can't believe we didn't know before."
My stomach began to twist below my aching muscles.
"What about him?"
Before Carly could answer Rosanna, I said, "I don't care, frankly. I'd rather not gossip about my coworkers."
"It's not gossip," Carly said, looking hurt. "It's fact. He's a rapist."
Rosanna gasped, and I realized this went further than just damaging his reputation. How would Rosanna, a past victim, be able to keep working with Jake if Carly smeared him?
I leaned forward, pretending horrified interest. "He is? He went to jail?"
"No, but he was--"
"Convicted?" I cut her off. "But then got probation or something?"
Carly took longer to answer this time. "No, just charged."
I gave Rosanna my best confused look, and felt sick at her stunned expression. Turning back to Carly, I said, "So the case is still going on?"
Carly raised her chin. "It was dropped. But I still think we all should be careful."
Rosanna cleared her throat. "But it's Jake. Jake. I can't believe..."
I could hear in her voice she was on the edge, and I didn't want her to fall the wrong way. "So he was charged but the case was dropped. Which means there wasn't enough evidence to proceed. So how is this not gossip, exactly? There's nothing real here at all."
"It's not gossip! It's something I thought you'd want to know. Given your past, I thought you should know. I don't think we can trust anything he says."
Outrage flooded me but before I could speak Rosanna said slowly, "Then it's good the police got involved and ended up dropping the case, right? I'm okay with trusting them."
Relief took the edge off my anger. "Yeah, me too."
Carly took a breath to go on but didn't speak because the offi
ce door opened.
"Cappuccino delivery." Jake set a cup on my desk, waving me off as I painfully reached for my wallet. "Don't worry about it. I don't have time to watch you try to get your purse."
I smiled. "Thanks."
He smiled back then turned to Rosanna. "I'll take yours down to the conference room. And don't bother with your money either. Okay?"
"Okay," she said, but my heart sank. She sounded uncomfortable with him.
Not seeming to notice, he smiled and left, and once he was gone Rosanna said, "I'm going to ask him about it."
Carly gasped. "You can't! He'll just lie."
"No, he won't," I said, almost certain and so hopeful I was right. "Ask him."
Rosanna looked at me for a moment without expression then raised her eyebrows.
I gave her a slow nod.
She nodded back, and I loved that we were able to communicate like that. I hadn't had a friend with whom I could talk without words since Christophe had run off all my friends because he felt they took too much of my time and attention.
"What are you nodding-- you knew?"
Rosanna pushed to her feet, ignoring Carly. "Off I go. And I will ask him."
She'd only covered half the distance to the hallway when Carly said to me, "I can't believe you knew already. Did you research him or something, like I did?"
I shook my head. "He told me. And I believe him." I made sure my voice was rock-solid. I did believe him, mostly, but I wouldn't show even a hint of doubt to Carly.
She collapsed back in her chair. "God, you are amazing." She rubbed her forehead. "You're way cooler than I thought, Alexa. Not many people could be friends with someone like him after what happened to you."
I was about to challenge the "someone like him" line but she didn't give me a chance. "I wouldn't be able to trust him at all, no matter what he said. You're a good person." She gave me a smile, her eyes suddenly full of tears. "Nicer than I thought. Nicer than me, that's for sure. Could we be friends? Good friends? I want to learn from you."
Did she? I doubted it.
I doubted her. Rhonda had convinced me Carly could be trusted but as I thought back everything she'd done had been to get my job. Telling the others about my past hadn't been an accident: she'd wanted me to quit. Taking Howard had been intended to put me off-guard and upset me, and when I'd gotten over it she'd dumped him and tried to make me feel bad for the end of her relationship. And telling me now about Jake was no doubt supposed to upset me too.
Toronto Collection Volume 3 (Toronto Series #10-13) Page 68