A few more pumps and I can feel Jessup tense under me, he comes inside of me with a shallow grunt.
I look up and the driver is glancing back at us in the rearview mirror.
Like the show, pal?
Ever so carefully, I slide off of Jessup’s dick and pull my pants back up. The wetness from his orgasm is thick and I can feel it in my underwear, but fuck me, it’s erotic and I love it.
I look down and Jessup is a mess too. He smiles as he notices me checking him out. He pulls up his boxers first, covering my arousal and his cum on his dick, and then pulls up his pants, buttons them and fastens his belt. He smooths out the wrinkles on his pants by rubbing his hands down his thighs.
“Why do you look so flushed, baby?” he asks, grabbing my hand and kissing my knuckles.
“Because my ex-boyfriend just fucked me in an Uber,” I whisper in response.
Jessup frowns at my answer. “I don’t like the term ex-boyfriend.”
“Well, what do you want me to call you?”
“How about just boyfriend?”
“Jess,” I begin. I’ve wanted him back in my life so many times, for so many years. But damn it, this is moving way to fast. I want answers first. I deserve to know why he left me crying on my porch without a goodbye. That was cruel and Jessup was never cruel. “I’m not ready for that. I think I need to hear the rest of that story before I can move forward.”
His face drops and he looks dejected, but he nods.
“It’s not that I don’t want to, but I was really hurt for a long time and I just want to talk it through. I appreciate what you’ve told me so far, I do, but let’s find a time to finish, okay?”
“I understand. I’ll take you anyway I can get you, Stanzy. I don’t need to label it.” He kisses my knuckles again.
I nod.
Staley turns around, “Oh, good, you’re finally done. We’re here.”
Finally done? I can feel face turn redder than Fruit Punch. She knew. Oh my God, of course she knew!
Completely embarrassed, I climb over the seat and exit the Uber. The driver has already set our suitcases on the sidewalk.
“See you tomorrow, baby.” Jessup smiles at me. “Staley.” He nods at my sister and she closes the door with a grin.
“You little Slucy Lucy,” she says as Jessup’s SUV drives away. A Slucy Lucy is what we used to girls who were easy back in high school. It’s just a polite way for her to call me a slut.
“Unnecessary name calling, Stay.”
“You fucked Jessup Rhodes in the back of an Uber. Are you a jersey chaser now?”
“No! I don’t know what came over me. I’m so weak when it comes to him. This is so unlike me.”
Staley smiles and cocks an eyebrow at me. “I knew it.”
“Wait, you didn’t know we had sex?”
“I had a feeling, but thanks for confirming,” she says and clucks her tongue at me while shooting me with finger guns.
“You bitch,” I say, trying to sound angry, but it comes out as a laugh.
We both start laughing as we walk up the sidewalk to our parents’ house. Just as we near the steps to the porch the door opens and our parents walk outside.
“You’re home!” our mama exclaims and wraps us in a giant hug.
Hugging our parents, who love us so much, makes me feel sad for Jessup and what he’s going to have to encounter tomorrow. Maybe I should stay with him.
Once we’re in the house I text him.
“Hey, want me to come to your hotel tomorrow and go to the visitation together. Unless want you to go alone which is totally fine too.”
“You could have stopped that text after the word hotel.”
“Jess…”
“What?”
“Seriously? Do you want me to go with you?”
“That would be great actually. Visitation starts at 10. I can swing by at 9 to grab you.”
“I’ll be ready.”
“Thanks for always being there for me.”
I don’t reply because for seven years I wasn’t there for him. Not because I didn’t want to be, but because I couldn’t be. It pains me to think about it.
But these feelings inside of me are so intense I can’t control them. Maybe closure isn’t what I need after all.
Chapter 27: Rhodes
My Uber picks Stanzy up promptly at nine. She’s wearing a dark grey dress with black lace overlay, a black belt and a black a cardigan because even though we’re in the south it can be chilly in the winter. Blonde, beachy waves hang around her shoulders and her lips are the softest shade of pink.
We look the part of a couple with me in my grey Tom Ford suit, black shirt, and black Cole Haan dress shoes. If only you didn’t fuck that up seven years ago.
I hop out to open the door for her.
“Morning,” she says as slides into the backseat of the black SUV. A whiff of lilacs hitting me as she passes.
“Morning. We’re swinging by my parents’ house first if that’s okay. This may be my one chance to go home. Rollie said Rowen is already at the church.”
“Whatever you need,” she says with a pat to my thigh. Her touch illicits something in me and I get the urge to pull her onto my lap again. Not the time, Rhodes.
“Staley and your folks coming to the visitation?”
She nods. “Yes, they’ll meet us there later.”
I nod and grab her hand. She freezes for a second and I fear she’s going to pull away, but instead she interlocks our fingers and we sit this way until we get to my parents’ house. It’s comfortable and familiar. It’s the most calm I’ve felt in years. It really is like we were never apart.
Walking into this house feels like I’ve entered the Twilight Zone. Nothing has changed in seven years, even Rowen’s TV tray is still parked next to his recliner in the same position it was the night I left.
The dining room table, the last place I saw mama alive, is covered with pans and tins full of food for our family. Cards are scattered all over the counter in the kitchen, but it doesn’t look like Rowen opened a single one.
“You doing okay?” Stanzy asks as we continue to stroll through my childhood home.
I nod. She’s never been in here. I was always too embarrassed to bring her. Fearing what Rowen might say or do.
“Want to see my room?”
She nods with a smile.
We walk up the stairs and I stop in a doorway. “This is where I shared a room with Rollie. Frankie had his own room, Ricky and Rence were across the hall there,” I say and turn to point at their bedroom. “Alice and Eliza were there.” I point to another door. “Mama and Rowen’s room was downstairs.”
She just takes it all in. Studying the posters on the walls that my brother and I hung up of Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant, Emmett Smith, and Deion Sanders. She walks in further and runs her hand along the blue comforter covering Rollie’s bed.
“What’s this?” she asks picking up a manila envelope on the dresser.
I shrug. “Don’t know.”
She hands me the envelope. “It has your name on it.”
What?
I take it from her and sure enough the large envelope is sealed shut and on the front, in my mama’s handwriting, is my name. Jessup.
I open it and pull out a letter and a red leather notebook. Her favorite color.
“It’s a letter from my mama.”
“Did she know she was sick?”
I shrug again. I really don’t know. “We haven’t talked since I left. Rollie never told me if she was.”
“Do you want a minute alone?”
I shake my head. I’ve vowed to stop drinking so I can be a man that Stanzy deserves. But I know my need to drink will come raging back if she’s not with me. Whatever is in this letter and notebook, I need her here with me.
“Will you read it to me?” I hand her the letter. “I don’t know if I can get through it.”
She nods and takes it from hand.
“Dear Jessup,
>
My sweet boy with a big heart and legs as fast as lightning. How did we end up like this, baby boy?”
I let out a snorting choking noise as I try to fight back my tears and Stanzy stops reading. This is harder than I thought it would be.
“Are you okay?”
I nod. “Yeah, it’s just hard. I never saw her or talked to her again after that night, you know. I lost her and you and everything. Maybe I should have gone to Georgia.”
Stanzy wraps me a hug and squeezes. “Are you happy now?”
“What?” Her question catches me off guard.
“Are you happy being a Viking, living in Minnesota, with the life you built after you left here?”
“Yes.” Even though I’m lonely most of the time. Outside looking in, my life is pretty amazing.
“Then it wasn’t for nothing. I’m sure she’s so proud of you.” Stanzy rubs my forearm and I’m immediately comforted. Just like all those times when we were young and she was there to be my shelter in the storm.
I take a second as she continues touching me. Soaking in this moment because honestly I don’t know how she’s going to react to anything I need to tell her.
“Keep going, please.”
She nods and keeps reading.
“You and your siblings were my pride and joy, Jessup. I loved each of you so very much and it pained me to no end that I couldn’t be the mother you all deserved. I yearned to love you all. Hug you, kiss you, smother you. Even though I was unable to do all those things, I hope you know that I still deeply cared for all of you.”
More tears start to flow and I try to casually wipe them away.
Stanzy continues reading, “You were never a mistake, Jessup. You were always meant to be my son. I’m so very proud of the man you became despite everything that was working against you.
You could have let your past define you, you didn’t. You could have let Rowen ruin you, you didn’t. You could have settled for Georgia, you didn’t.
You’re strong and brave, just like your father, your real father. You remind me so much of him. And so much braver than I ever was.
I wish this life could have been different, Jessup, but my only regret is that I didn’t stand up to Rowen. At one time, I loved him. We had it all, but something changed, or maybe it was there the entire time and I didn’t see it. I had nothing without him. Every penny was in his name, the house was his, the car and I didn’t know what to do.
It’s not an excuse, but I wanted you to know that I deeply regret not being the mother I was meant to be. I regret everything you had to endure because of my choice to stay.
But know this, I loved you until my dying breath and I will love you with every second of my eternal life.
The answers you seek, sweet boy, are in my diary. Read it when you’re ready.
All my love,
Mama”
I sit there, stationary, tears pouring down my cheeks and dripping onto my shirt. My nose is running and I can’t stop sniffling. I’m a fucking mess.
I stare down at the diary in my lap, my mama’s diary. The answers to the questions that have been plaguing me for years. The answers I think I’ve always knew I needed, but didn’t know what questions to ask. I’ve never belonged.
While Rowen was an abusive prick to everyone, he was especially harsh with me. He critiqued me harder, beat me harder, and relentlessly chastised me when I fucked up – especially on the football field.
“Do you want some privacy?” Stanzy’s question snaps me from my thoughts.
I shake my head.
“I can’t read this right now,” I reply as I try to casually wipe a tear from cheek. Not that it helps with amount of tears and snot pouring from my face right now.
“This got you a little, huh?”
I nod. Stanzy uses the pad of her thumb to wipe away another tear. Motherfucker. I don’t want her to see me cry. Especially not ugly cry.
“Jess, it’s okay to cry. She’s your mama and she clearly loved you. You know you don’t have to pretend with me. You never have. I’m not scared of your snot.”
Her comment makes me laugh. God, I love that about her. She can make me feel better with her words and touch. She’s always been what I needed. A pain hits me in the chest thinking of all the time I wasted without her.
“I know. It’s just a lot to take in you know. She never could tell us she loved us in front of Rowen. He’d flip. She’d sneak it in every once in a while, but she never cuddled us or anything, but it sounds like she wanted to. She hid it well. It hurts knowing she died never really being the person she wanted to be, you know?”
“It really sad when you think about it. I knew Rowen was a dick, but I guess I didn’t fully understand it when we were young,” Stanzy says, but then she looks away as if she wanted to say something else, but decided not to.
“What is it?” I ask as I nudge with my shoulder.
“It’s not the time, Jess. We can talk more later. We better get to the church.”
She’s right. We have a lot to discuss, but today and tomorrow are for Jacqueline. My mama deserves to rest in peace and have something beautiful in her life. I need to be present for my mama and after, when she is finally laid to rest, I can find the answers I need and finally tell Stanzy my whole truth.
✽✽✽
“That service was lovely, dear,” Avery Sutton tells me while wrapping me a tight hug after my mama’s funeral. “We’re so very sorry for your loss, Jessup.”
“Yes, ma’am and thank you. My sisters planned it for her. They picked her favorite hymns and readings. They did a great job.”
“I’m sorry for your loss, Jess,” Mary Lou hugs me. She came with the Suttons and it was nice of her to make an appearance. We haven’t been close for many years even though she was at Cambria with me. I assume her hatred for me stems from my relationship with Stanzy.
“Love you.” Staley hugs me even though I can tell she hasn’t completely forgiven me either. “We’re going to head home,” she tells her parents before leaving with Mary Lou.
Having Staley and Mary Lou here meant a lot. It’s been a long time and at one point in my life I didn’t even know if either one of them would ever forgive me for leaving Stanzy the way I did. But this is a good step forward and maybe they will forgive me once Stanzy does. I’m working on that.
Yesterday, after the visitation, I was drained. I must have met a million people who came to pay their respects to my mama, or just to meet me. I’m a local celebrity around here even if I don’t want to be. I shook so many hands and hugged so many strangers I was physically exhausted.
Stanzy stayed by my side during the entire visitation, only leaving me to get me water. Then she made me go to our old high school to get my rehab done. Coach Greene let us in and I signed a few footballs for him as a thank you.
Today was more of the same before and after the funeral. I’m fucking shot mentally and physically, and I’m really craving a drink.
“Are you leaving today? Stanzy and Staley are flying out tomorrow morning.” Avery asks and eyes me with the genuine concern of a mother who actually cares for his children. Stanzy obviously left out the bit that we flew here together.
I shake my head. “I’m leaving tomorrow. We’re on the same flight back to Minnesota.”
“You know, Jessup, what are the odds that all these years later you two end up in the same city? You two are just meant to be.”
“Sweetheart, now is not the time for this,” Cada gently scolds his wife. These two are the ideal parents. Loving, caring, doting and although I’m sure not perfect, they’re about as close as a couple can get.
“It’s okay, sir.”
“We sure are proud of all you accomplished, son. When Stanzy told us you were breaking the cycle and going to Boston, well, we were pleased as peaches. You deserve all your success with what you went through growing up.”
All I went through? He knows? She fucking told him what happened to me?
His comme
nt elicits a bunch of emotions within. A verbal punch to the gut and the air leaves my lungs. I never imagined Stanzy told her family about my past. I don’t know how to feel about that. I’m a swirling mixture of anger and embarrassment, some version of relief maybe, and… what? I don’t even know what to feel.
Just then Stanzy returns and seeing her face makes anger take over as the primary emotion.
“Hey,” she says and interlocks her arm with mine. I immediately pull it away and Stanzy’s eyes snap to mine in confusion.
“Jessup, do you want to have dinner with us before you leave tomorrow?” Avery asks. “We’d love to see you and our girls a little more while you’re home.”
Home. This isn’t my fucking home.
“No, ma’am,” I reply curtly and all eyes shoot to me, but I recover and temper my emotions. “I better stay with my family for a while after the burial.”
“Yes, dear that makes sense.”
The Suttons hug me again before they leave and I turn my focus to Stanzy.
“You fucking told them.” It isn’t a question and her face pales. “You told them about Rowen and the shit he did, didn’t you?”
“Jessup, we were young. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to help you.”
“Well neither did they because the abuse never stopped, did it? Why didn’t you just tell me I was a burden?”
“A burden? You weren’t a burden, Jess. I loved you and wanted to help you. But I was scared every time you showed up because I didn’t know how bad your injuries would be, I cried myself to sleep most nights you didn’t show up because I was worried sick you pissed him off enough this time that he killed you. But you were never a burden.”
“You should have told me and I wouldn’t have bothered you.”
“You’re not listening. I wanted you to bother me! When you stopped being my friend, stopped coming over, I was crushed. I missed you. Then you finished the job when you left for Cambria and took what was left of my heart with you.”
“You know why I left?” I snap.
“Because you had to, I get that, but you didn’t have to leave me without a goodbye.”
Completion (Cambria University Series Book 3) Page 26