“You’re bleeding! Oh my God, Devin! What happened? Are you OK?” I went on and on as I checked him over.
“It’s not my blood,” he slurred.
I took a better look at his gorgeous face. His unfocused eyes attempted to meet mine and it was then that the smell of liquor reached my nose.
“You’re drunk?”
“Abso-fucking-lutely.” He attempted to move toward me and almost fell over.
I wrapped my arms around him and helped him into my apartment. Once we made it to the couch I let him collapse onto the cushion before I went straight to work on his clothes. I removed his blood-stained shirt first and threw it to the side. Quickly, I checked him over again just to be sure that he wasn’t injured somewhere. His skin felt cold and clammy against my fingertips.
His knuckles were busted open, so I went to the bathroom and got a wet towel and the first aid kit. I cleaned his fingers then wrapped them up.
I felt fingers in my hair and looked up to see a very drunk Devin starting back at me.
“You’re so fucking beautiful,” he whispered as his heavy head fell against the back of my couch again.
Shaking my head, I dropped onto my knees on the floor and removed his boots.
Once I was done getting Devin out of his shoes, I went to the hallway closet and pulled out a blanket for him. When I got back to the couch, he was standing there looking back at me in all his tattooed, muscled glory. He was still leaning a bit to the side when his eyes locked on mine.
“Come here,” he rasped.
He looked as if he was about to crumble and I couldn’t tell if it was the alcohol or if something was really breaking him down.
“Are you OK, baby?” I asked.
He closed his eyes and sighed. “I love it when you call me baby.”
I went to him and he groaned as I softly ran my hands up his chest and put my arms around his neck. On my tiptoes, I softly kissed the line of his neck and his chin.
“Tell me what happened, Devin.”
When he finally opened his eyes, he looked at me differently. The calm and collected Devin was gone and an anxiety-ridden shell of a man stood before me. His shoulders felt tense beneath my fingers and his eyes held a crazed demeanor.
“I need you, Lilly.” He captured my face softly in his hands as he slurred the words.
“Please tell me what happened?”
“Make it go away, baby,” he whispered as he leaned in and started to kiss me.
I let him as I melted against his body. He collapsed against the couch once more, but this time he took me with him. Not once did he break our kiss, and soon, I felt his velvet tongue against mine. I kissed him back and let my fingers play in the hair at the back of his neck.
He broke the kiss and started down the side of my neck.
“I need you, Lilly,” he repeated against my skin.
“I’m here.” I bit at my bottom lip to stop myself from moaning.
“Please, just make it all go away,” he drunkenly begged.
“I don’t know what’s going on, but tell me what to do to make it better. I want to make it better, Devin.” I stopped him and stared into his eyes as I waited for his response.
“Don’t leave me,” he said desperately.
“I’m not going anywhere. I’m here. I’ll do whatever it takes to make it better.” I wanted to cry.
He looked so hurt and afraid. It was strange to see such a strong, confident man so lost and unsure.
He flipped me onto my back on the couch and crawled on top of me. His movements were less calculated—slower than usual.
“I want you. I need to be inside you,” he said aggressively.
His hands were clumsy as he leaned back and started to remove my flannel pants. He growled in appreciation when he saw that I wasn’t wearing any panties. I said nothing as he angrily pulled at my shirt to get it off of me.
“I want to see your skin. I need you,” he kept repeating.
Leaning up, I quickly pulled my camisole over my head. Instead of his usual slow sexual way, he fell on top of me again and quickly entered me. It caught me so off guard that I gasped. My body easily accepted him, so there was no pain, but it was so unlike Devin that for a brief minute I felt fear.
Once I looked up into his face my fear melted away and all I wanted to do was make whatever was hurting him go away. He looked down at me and although there were no tears on his cheeks, he looked like he was about to cry. He buried his face in my neck so that I couldn’t see his face anymore.
Something was definitely wrong. I held on to him and my heart broke as he rocked against me over and over again. The couch creaked with his every thrust and the sound of our bodies smacking echoed throughout the room.
“I only want to feel you, baby, nothing else, just you,” he whispered into my hair.
His movement became jerky as he sped up. He thrust into me over and over again, harder each time. His hot breath pounded against the side of my neck. I said nothing as he found comfort in my body. I just held him close to me and every now and again, I kissed the side of his neck.
I felt his body tense up as he growled out his release and slammed into me one final time. His full body weight pressed against me when his arms went weak and he dropped onto me completely.
When he finally removed his face from my neck and looked down at me I could see the realization in his eyes of what had just occurred. I never said no, but he never really asked. Quickly, I cupped his cheeks with my hands and kissed him softly.
“Did I hurt you? I never want to hurt you,” he said with a thick slur.
“It’s OK, I’m OK,” I whispered.
He said nothing. He just stared back at me like he was afraid I’d push him away and run for my life. Then his expression changed, and tears filled his eyes. I’d never seen a grown man cry in my life and my heart crushed inside my chest as he buried his face in my neck once more and wept loudly.
“I’m going to lose you. I am. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I’m going to lose you.” He drunkenly cried.
Twenty-Seven
Damage Control
I woke up the following morning with swollen, busted knuckles, a splitting headache, and only one memory from the day before.
My mother was dead and I, as much as I hated to do it, had to break the news to dad and Jenny. I tried to get up, but I was pinned beneath an arm. It was Lilly’s. She was holding me close to her chest sleeping in the sitting position on the couch.
Her poor neck was going to have one hell of a kink in it. Then I remembered everything. I’d destroyed the garage and then beaten Eric Fitch within an inch of his life. I was sure that once I got home there would be cops there waiting to take me to a jail.
The final memory slammed against me and I felt even sicker to my stomach. I’d shown up at Lilly’s house and pretty much attacked her. Yet, here she was holding me close and taking care of me.
I slid from underneath her arm and softly laid her down on the couch. I pulled a throw blanket over her then went and took a shower. Thankfully, I kept an extra set of clothes at her place, so I had something to change into.
When I walked back into the living room all showered and fresh, Lilly was sitting up on the couch with big sad eyes.
“Are you OK?” She asked in a scratchy voice.
She looked exhausted and had barely gotten any sleep last night I’m sure.
“I’m fine. Are you OK?” I asked.
I needed to know that she was OK, and that I didn’t hurt her or do anything that would push her away.
“You scared me last night.” She tugged on the end of her hair then twirled it around her finger.
That was all it took. I went to her and dropped to my knees in front of her.
“Lilly, I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. I’d never do anything to hurt you. I don’t know what came over me. I got some bad news yesterday and I just needed you. You always make me feel better.”
“Wh
at was the bad news?” she asked.
I told her everything. I started at thirteen when my mother left and ended with yesterday when I had found out about her death. When I was done, there were tears on my cheeks and I was in Lilly’s arms again.
“Do you want me to go with you to tell Dad and Jenny?” She was so selfless.
There would be a time when I would have to tell her the truth about how we started, too, but it could wait a little longer. Too much had already happened. We needed a drama break.
“Please. I need you to be there.”
Dad cried like I expected him to. I think deep down he had always thought she’d come back. I also think he was upset by the fact that he wasn’t there for her in the end. Dad was just like that. Even though she had run out on him, he still felt like it was his duty to take care of her.
Jenny didn’t really respond. If she did, she waited until she was out of our sight to do so. More than likely that’s what she did. Jenny wasn’t one for tears, especially in front of people.
Lilly stayed to help me clean up my mess in the garage and then we took my car to get the windows fixed. I never heard anything from the police so I assumed Eric Fitch had lived and wasn’t planning on pressing any charges. The bastard got what he deserved. Lilly wasn’t too happy about it when I told her that I had beat him so badly, but she had to know I’d find out. As a man who loved her and my sister so deeply, there was no way I wouldn’t have defended their honor.
By the time I was taking her home, it was getting late and we both had to work the next day. I was grateful to Lilly for skipping out on work for me, but I couldn’t ask her to do it again.
The plan was to drop her off at home and go home to be with Dad and Jenny, but once I got to Lilly’s door something inside me needed to stay. Thankfully, she asked to me stay and so we got ready for bed and crashed early.
When I woke up it was still dark out. A sliver of light from the cracked bathroom door lit a small corner of the room. Thinking that Lilly was probably just using the bathroom, I rolled over and tried to go back to sleep.
I was almost out when I heard her gagging in the bathroom. I climbed out of bed and went to her.
“Baby, are you okay?”
“Yes! I’m fine.” She gagged again. “Please don’t come in here.”
I didn’t listen. Instead, I got a cold washcloth and handed it to her. She was dry heaving, and her skin looked pale.
“Did you eat something bad, sweetie?”
“I think so. I’ll be out in a minute.”
I left her alone and went and waited in bed. I heard her gagging more, and then I heard the water running as she brushed her teeth.
When she climbed into bed it was late and we were both so tired that we fell back to sleep instantly.
I had another dream about my mother leaving me, except in this nightmare, we said goodbye to each other. I didn’t feel any fear or sadness. Instead, I felt the warmth of Lilly’s hand as she held it. I looked over to see her standing next to me smiling.
“Are you leaving me, too? “I asked.
“I’m not going anywhere.” She squeezed my hand.
I woke up with a happy smile the next morning.
Twenty-Eight
Impossible Possibilities
“I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong. I hardly eat and when I do eat I can’t keep it down. This stomach bug is kicking my ass, yet I’m still freaking gaining weight!” I said in aggravation. “My damn pants won’t even button anymore.”
No way would I go out and buy a bigger size. I swear I’d be one of those sloppy women who wore sweatpants every day before I went up a size.
“That’s what happens when you get comfortable in a relationship. You and Devin have been seeing each other for close to five months. That’s kind of early to be getting comfortable, but hey, to each his own,” Shannon said as she flipped through a magazine.
“Yeah, I guess so. I don’t know. Wow, it has been almost five months. That’s crazy.” I flashed a big, happy smile.
I was thinking about everything that had happened in the last few months—so many things, bad and good. Devin was worth the bad things, he was everything I could’ve asked for.
I suppose at some point I should tell him about the money. He wasn’t with me for the money; Devin wasn’t that kind of guy. Things couldn’t have been more perfect, and like Shannon, he was clueless about it. It wasn’t like I lived the life of a person with millions, so how could he have known?
“Oh my God, I’m cramping so freaking bad. This period is kicking my ass big time. I wish Aunt Flo would go straight to Hell.” She sat back and rubbed her lower stomach. “You wouldn’t happen to have a tampon on you would you? I really don’t feel like walking over to the store. That crazy-eyed boy is working today. You know, the one who stares at you the entire time you’re in there?”
“Yeah, he’s creepy.” I reached into my purse and dug around and then it hit me.
I couldn’t even remember the last time I had a period. I wasn’t regular all the time, as in I didn’t get it on the same exact date every month, but I’d never missed an entire month before. As I sat and thought about it, I hadn’t had a period in at least three months.
“What’s that face about? Do you have one or not?” Shannon asked.
“Shannon, I haven’t had a period in over three months,” I said, confused.
A list of all the reasons for a missed period ran through my mind.
Cervical cancer, cysts, an awful female disease that would make my boobs fall off. Everything I ran through my mind was bad. It would be my luck that I’d die from some gruesome disease right after finding love and happiness.
“I know this is kind of a touchy subject, but do you think you should get a pregnancy test?” Her eyes got large. “What if you’re prego?”
“Trust me, that’s impossible.”
“Hey, you never know. Crazier shit has happened, Lil.”
“Babies are not in my future, but I guess I should set an appointment and have myself checked. I hope it’s nothing serious.”I frowned.
“Yeah, it can’t hurt. I hope it’s nothing, too. But could you imagine Devin’s face if you were prego though? He’d totally shit himself.” We laughed.
A week later we weren’t laughing anymore. A week later we stood over a piss stick in the hallway bathroom with a big bright pink positive sign.
I shook it like an old thermometer then looked at it again. It was definitely positive.
“Well, if I’m reading this right,” Shannon held up the box for the pregnancy test. “You’re pregnant.”
After years of being told I’d never have children, I should’ve felt happy. I should’ve been elated with the possibility of holding a little baby in my arms and being called mommy, but I wasn’t. All I felt was fear.
It wasn’t supposed to be happening for me. All the specialists I had gone to when I was younger swore it would never happen. In my mind something was wrong and if something wasn’t wrong, something would be. I couldn’t have been that lucky.
I tried not to think about it until after my appointment. There was no need to get my hopes up or make Devin crazy for no reason. He’d hate me. I’d promised him that it was impossible. We’d had unprotected sex because conceiving wasn’t something that would ever happen for me and yet, there was a little pink line on a stick that said it had.
Later that night Devin came over and we lounged in bed and watched TV. He attempted conversation with me so many times, but I didn’t feel like talking.
“Are you feeling OK, baby? You’ve been quiet all night and you barely touched your dinner. Are you still having stomach problems?”
“Something like that,” I responded.
“You can talk to me about anything, you know?” He smiled down at me.
“I know. I’m really OK.”
I wanted to tell him so badly. I wanted him to hold me and tell me that everything would be alright, but a tiny voice in the back of m
y head kept repeating that I could never have a baby. My body couldn’t and if I was really pregnant, I’d lose it. Devin had entirely too much going on in his life, I didn’t want to add that to the list.
On appointment day I lied about having to work. It was something I wanted to do alone. I sat in the waiting room and did something I never did, I bit my nails. When the nurse called me back I got a bad case of anxiety. Something deep down was telling me that the doctor would have bad news.
When Dr. Dandridge came into the small examination room I was sitting on the exam table in a paper gown. My fingers were starting to hurt from squeezing them together so hard and even though the room was warm, I felt like I was freezing all over.
“Long time no see, kiddo,” Dr. D said with a big white smile.
I had started seeing him when I was younger, right after the big traumatic teenage mob attack. He was the only doctor that I went to that didn’t make me feel like I’d die within the hour if I didn’t suddenly lose fifty pounds. I always felt very comfortable with him.
He was a younger doctor and very friendly—tall and skinny with big, blue eyes and salt and pepper hair. Shannon came with me on my last appointment and she’d had a crush on him ever since.
“So, what’s new?” he said as he tapped his pen against his clipboard.
“Um, I haven’t had a period in three months. I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I’m kind of thinking there might be something wrong.” I nervously cracked my knuckles.
“Hmmm, well, let’s have a look and see what’s going on, shall we?” He continued to smile, but I could see a small hint of worry in his eyes.
He knew my situation. He knew that a baby wasn’t a possibility.
He did a vaginal exam first. I kept peeking down at him and every now and again I’d catch the perplexed look on his face.
Something was definitely wrong.
“Well, Lilly, your cervix is definitely different.”
What the hell did that mean? Was that bad? Was my cervix covered in cancer and I’d be dead in ten hours? The Facts man! I needed facts! I had stuff to take care of. I had to make sure Devin and his family were a part of my will and I needed to say my goodbyes.
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