As I heard my own words, my amusement flowed away like the tide flowed out around my ankles and I squeezed my eyes shut. That was why we were there. Neither of us wanted to go back to the ship because on the beach we could be together and back there we couldn't be and we knew it and we didn't know what to do about it.
Nicholas sighed, then wrapped his arm around my shoulders and drew me into a hug.
I pressed my cheek to his chest and wound my arms around his waist, and we stood together a long time, Lizzie and Larry struggling to deal with a situation we hadn't asked for and didn't know how to handle.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
The cruise ship was set to leave port at ten that night. Nicholas and I didn't board until nine-thirty, and I knew neither of us wanted to even then. As we waited for the little boat to take us back to the ship, I shivered in the cool night air sweeping over the pier and Nicholas wrapped his arm around my shoulder. I leaned into him, and he took a breath as if to speak but then let it out and cuddled me closer in silence instead. I knew why: there was nothing to say.
Not then, anyhow. When we'd made it through security and back onto the cruise ship, he said, "Want to go see if the moonlight looks different from the top deck than from the beach?"
I knew I should say no, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I nodded, and his smile made me both glad and terrified.
We went up to the nearly deserted observation deck and stood side-by-side staring out at the ocean as we analyzed the moonlight, talking about its angle on the water and the shimmer of it and whether or not it was brighter than what we'd seen on the beach. Scientists could not have debated the question more thoroughly, but then scientists wouldn't have been talking about nothing so they wouldn't have to discuss what was really happening.
Eventually, though, we ran out of things to say and lapsed into silence. His hand was next to mine on the railing, not touching but so close I felt like I could sense his heat soaking into me, and I stared at it and wondered how many times I'd held it when we were dating and whether I'd even once recognized how lucky I was.
Nicholas cleared his throat, and I tensed because I didn't want our day together to be over. When he said, "To be complete, we should really check the moonlight on the other side of the ship," I knew my relief and delight were dangerous.
"We should have checked the other side of the island then too," I said, pushing back from the railing and walking with him.
"Well, jump in. I'm sure we can swim over and check it out and get back on board. No problem. You swim faster than a cruise ship, right?"
I laughed and he grinned at me, then we busied ourselves with eyeballing the moonlight every few feet on our way around the ship. It didn't change much from spot to spot, of course, but that didn't stop us discussing it and arguing good-naturedly with each other about where it was brightest and prettiest.
I got a step or two ahead of him, intent on the waves, but Nicholas caught my hand and drew me to a stop. "Right here." He pointed out with his free hand. "That's the best it's looked."
With my hand in his I found myself caring a lot less about the aesthetics of moonlight, but I did have to admit, "It's gorgeous. Like liquid silver floating on the water."
We stood holding hands looking out at the calm beautiful night, then he said my name.
There were too many emotions in his voice just on that one word for me to separate them, but the combination made my heart race. "Yes?"
He took my other hand and turned me to face him. "I... look, I think we should call it a night."
I looked into his eyes and told him the truth. "I don't want to."
He moved a small step closer to me. "Neither do I." He released my hands and touched my cheek gently. "Trust me." His fingers smoothed over my skin. "This is the best day I've ever had on a cruise. No, the best day ever."
His touch was lighting me up like the moon was making the water glow. "Me too." Unable to resist, I reached out and stroked his cheek, his stubble grazing my fingertips sending shock waves through me.
He drew a quick sharp breath, which snapped an even bigger shock wave down my spine as I realized how my touch was affecting him, then he took my hand and drew it away from his face. "It's been an amazing day. But..." He shook his head.
I wished I didn't know what he meant but of course I did. "We can't be like this," I said softly.
He shook his head again. "No, we can't. We're just friends."
We studied each other for a long moment, and I knew he was seeing the same regret and emotion in my eyes that I could see in his.
Then we reached out at the same time and fell into a hug.
I pressed my face to his shoulder and he cupped the back of my head and held me close, and though the hug was far too long for 'just friends' it still felt far too soon when he released me and said, "Well. Good night."
Our eyes locked again, then his gaze slid down to my mouth. Fire shot through me, and it became an inferno when he brushed his fingertip across my lips.
"I want to," he murmured, tracing the shape of my mouth. "God, I want to."
"Me too," I whispered, shivering as the words made me kiss his finger.
We stood unmoving for a single everlasting instant, then he withdrew his hand and took a large step back from me. "I... I shouldn't have said that, shouldn't have--"
"Me either." Without him touching me I could think clearly, and horror at myself began to rise in me. I'd told him I wanted to kiss him. What was wrong with me?
"Yeah." He took a oceans-deep breath then let it out slowly. "I think us being alone together is not a good plan."
Wanting, needing, to break the connection I still felt between us, and knowing we also somehow had to remain friends, I blinked innocently and said, "Really? Why not?"
He laughed, and I did too, and though I was glad to feel the electricity begin to fade I also mourned its loss. I hadn't felt that connected to someone in... ever.
"Gee, I don't know," he said. "It just feels dangerous for some reason."
I nodded. "You're afraid I'll attack you with a hatchet."
"Well, you did see the movie. So I've given you ideas."
"Gruesome ideas. You're probably smart to be scared."
He grinned at me, but his eyes didn't meet mine. He was smart for that too. Bad things happened when we locked eyes.
Bad, delicious, things.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
The next morning, I tried everything I could think of to keep myself entertained. We were at sea that day, so I couldn't escape to an excursion. Owen had left me alone, naturally, and I'd been both relieved and disappointed that he didn't seem to have noticed that anything was bothering me. Of course, to notice that he'd have had to do more than suck down a room service breakfast while getting dressed and then take off to the casino after giving me a distracted kiss goodbye, and he hadn't.
In the end, after considering and rejecting every other option, I did what I'd really wanted to do from the moment I woke up.
I went to the quiet pool.
On the way, nervousness tingling my fingers, I told myself that Nicholas would probably not be there, and that even if he were there we wouldn't be alone with each other and that was the only restriction we'd put on things. I wasn't doing anything wrong by going to the place we enjoyed together.
I stopped out of sight of the pool and took several slow deep breaths, trying to calm my fears and lower my expectations. I was going to relax and read, not to see Nicholas.
Of course, when I rounded the corner and saw him, I knew I'd been lying to myself. The relief and pleasure that filled me told me I'd been hoping he'd be there.
He smiled, not looking remotely like he wished I hadn't shown up, and patted the chair next to him. Ignoring the warning bells in my head, I walked over and settled down next to him.
I took a breath to speak, but he murmured, "She's back," and jerked his head toward the other side of the pool.
I looked, and sure enough, the shu
sher had returned.
The depth of my disappointment seemed unreasonable, and I realized that it wasn't just because she was still on board. No, I'd felt almost like Nicholas and I had vanquished her together, as stupid as that was, and now she was back and we'd accomplished nothing.
"Damn it," I muttered.
He nodded. "I feel the same way."
I doubted it, but as I looked at him I realized with a flutter in my chest that he did.
"This used to be my favorite place on the ship," he whispered, "and I so enjoyed having it to ourselves."
"Me too," I mouthed back.
He smiled, his eyes warm but sad. "Well, we'll just have to keep it down to a dull whisper."
I nodded. "I am woman, hear me whisper."
His smile widened. "Not sure that would have been as big a hit."
I shrugged, holding in a giggle with difficulty. "Would have been harder to sing along--"
"Shhh!"
I looked up to see the monster herself standing a few feet away, glaring at me so hard it was a wonder I hadn't yet burst into flames.
"Honestly, shush," she hissed. "You don't have the right to ruin this pool for everyone else."
"Neither do you."
She and I turned as one toward Nicholas, who had spoken at full volume and with a cold fury I'd never heard from him before.
She shushed him but he got to his feet and said again, "Neither do you. Don't you dare talk to her like that, and don't you dare keep shushing everyone. We're all here to enjoy our cruise, so let us enjoy it."
I sat frozen, unable to believe non-confrontational Nicholas was being so assertive.
She was a good foot shorter than him, but she didn't back down. "The sign says quiet. So you have to be--"
"And we have been. All of us." Nicholas gestured at the others sitting by the pool, and I glanced around to see them staring open-mouthed as he went on with, "But quiet and dead silent aren't the same thing, and you won't get dead silent here. If you want that, I suggest your stateroom."
The weirdest expression flickered over her face, and I realized it was confusion and anger mixed with an infantile sort of surprise. I didn't think anyone had said no to her in a very long time, and she looked like a toddler who'd been told she couldn't have a cookie.
She shook her head once, then said, "I will talk to the captain about this. You're going to wish--"
"I've spoken to Edgar," Nicholas said calmly. "He won't be surprised to hear from you."
I turned toward him, wondering if he really had, so I didn't see her storm off but I did get to see his cool tone contradicted by the shaking of the ereader in his hand. My heart melted as pride and tenderness flooded me; he'd been scared and he'd stood up anyhow.
Before I could speak, a loud noise startled me so badly I almost fell out of my chair.
Applause.
I looked around, stunned and pleased, as the other pool denizens clapped and grinned at Nicholas. He dropped back into his chair, looking as dazed as I felt. Amid the "nice job" and "thank you" comments, one older lady got up from her chair and came to us. I recognized her as having been with the shusher and braced myself, but when she reached us she said, "God bless you, young man. Thank you for that."
I blinked, and Nicholas said, "Well, you're welcome, but isn't she your friend?"
She laughed. "Oh, honey, no. She's married to my husband's friend, and I've known her for forty years, but she's never once been my friend. I've wanted to tell that old bat off for at least thirty-nine of those years but I've just been too afraid to speak my mind. The longer you don't speak the harder it becomes to do it. But it's so important to take a stand, isn't it? It's easier to ignore problems and think they'll go away, but it just doesn't work. Good for you for facing your problem like that. Our problem. We're all so grateful to you."
Nicholas said, "Thank you," sounding like he was being strangled, and she beamed at him then turned to me. "That's a lovely ring, dear. When are you getting married?"
"Friday."
She gave me the same beaming smile. "Well, that's great. Hold on to this boy, he's a keeper!"
Faced with the impossibility of explaining the actual situation, I forced myself to smile and say, "Thank you."
"Now, I think I'll go and read." She giggled. "And talk to my husband. Because I can!"
She patted Nicholas's hand and headed back to her chair. When she was out of earshot Nicholas said, "Wow. Um. Not sure what to say to that."
I shook my head slowly. "Yeah. Well, except that you were amazing. Did you really talk to Edgar about her?"
He nodded. "After the first time she gave us a hard time. He said silence wasn't necessary and suggested I tell her he said so, but I guess it seemed easier not to fight."
"Until today."
He nodded again. "I just couldn't take it any more."
So he'd stood up, literally and figuratively, and fought for what mattered to him.
The nice lady's words echoed in my head. "It's easier to ignore problems and think they'll go away, but it just doesn't work." But Owen and I didn't fit that category, did we? No. We were fine. We hadn't had any problems before the cruise, and we wouldn't have any after either.
Pushing away the thought that we also wouldn't have the fun and excitement I shared with Nicholas, I said, "Well, you're the hero of the pool now."
He smiled. "Maybe you can make Larry the hero of the forest clearing in my honor."
"He could lecture the monster into submission," I said, and we grinned at each other.
Our eyes locked, though, and everything we'd said and left unsaid last night rushed to the forefront again.
His smile faded. "Melissa, this is bad. Even just being here, I can't... it's too hard seeing you and not..." He shook his head.
"I know." I sighed. "Trust me, I know."
He rubbed his forehead. "We just shouldn't see each other at all. That'll be for the best. Everything was fine before the cruise, right? For you and..."
I nodded. "Fine." Just fine.
"Then it will be after, unless I get in your way. And I can't do that. So I'm going to leave."
He started to get up but I said, "After how you defeated the monster? You deserve to have the pool all to yourself. I'll go."
I stood up and looked down at him. Our eyes met again, and I found myself begging him mentally to say that he didn't want me to go, that he wanted me to stay with him, to be with him. I knew it would just make things worse but I wanted to hear him stand up for us.
He looked away. "You can have the pool this afternoon if you want."
I couldn't bear squabbling over it like we were a divorcing couple arguing over furniture. Plus, being there without him would hurt more than not being there. "I'll find somewhere else." Like I'd found someone else.
I wanted to say more, but there was nothing to say, so I left. I couldn't let myself look back.
*****
I walked away calmly enough, but in the elevator I became overwhelmed by all that was happening. I'd admitted, last night and today, that I had feelings for a man not my fiancé. He'd admitted the same thing. True, we'd decided to put those feelings aside, but we still had them.
What did that mean for my marriage? It wasn't like I could avoid Nicholas after the cruise. We'd be together at every holiday, every special occasion. Together, and yet not together. How could we stand that, and how could it possibly be fair to Owen?
The elevator door slid open on my deck, but I let the other people leave then pushed the button for Wendy's deck instead of getting out. I would go tell her everything and have her tell me what to do. I couldn't handle this any more without that support.
When the door opened again, I hurried out and ran smack into a man. He caught me by the shoulders and said, "Melissa! Perfect timing, I was looking for you."
Derek drew me out of the way of the people entering the elevator as I said, "You were? Why?"
He looked down at me and frowned. "Are you okay?"
/> I blinked. Was it that obvious? I couldn't tell my wedding planner I was having doubts about my wedding so I said, "Sure. Why?"
His forehead wrinkled further. "Nothing, I guess. You just look confused. Flustered."
The concern in his eyes made me want to throw myself on his mercy and tell him everything, but I knew that could backfire so I said, "Well, I guess I'm normal then, right? Feeling freaked out because my wedding is soon?"
I felt, but couldn't control, my voice wavering on 'wedding', and my stomach twisted as I saw him hear and recognize the odd sound. "Come have coffee with me," he said. "Tell your uncle Derek everything."
I laughed. "You're my uncle now, are you? But coffee would be great." It would be, because it would delay me from talking to Wendy which I was no longer certain I wanted to do. Once I told her everything, there'd be no way to un-tell her.
Once we sat in the cafe area with hot mugs and a few squares of dark chocolate before us, Derek said, "Let me give you the wisdom of my vast experience as a wedding coordinator."
"Didn't you say you'd only been doing it a month?"
He laughed. "I was hoping you'd forgotten that. All right, my not-so-vast wisdom. Ready?"
I gripped the edge of the table as if bracing myself, which immediately reminded me of Austin using the slide for leverage. Anger with myself flickered through me: why could I not go five minutes without thinking of another man?
Pulling my hands away from the table, I said, "Go for it."
"All of my brides so far have been at least a little nervous, and most of them confided in me about something they didn't like about their grooms. But when it came time for them to walk down the aisle, they weren't thinking of anything but how happy they were to be getting married. And I feel sure you'll do the same thing. Once you're in your dress, with your hair done and everything, the worries will go away."
I so wanted him to be right, but I thought my worries might run a little deeper than those of the other brides. Although maybe they'd all thought that too. "But..." I sighed.
Toronto Collection Volume 2 (Toronto Series #6-9) Page 84