Nancy shot up from the table. “Sure we can do it, Mr. Sanchez.” She then turned to Philip and Troy. “Help me, please.”
They both watched her walk around the table and pull it about eight feet away from where they were sitting. Troy quickly grabbed a couple of chairs and moved them as she yanked away. As Philip joined in to move some chairs, he asked Nancy, “What are we doing?”
“Just make some space,” Nancy said as she finished pulling the table away from Robert. There was now a twelve-foot vacant space between the two tables.
Ang stood beside Mingma and watched the three kids move the room’s furniture about. Robert got up and walked to the cook, who had come out of the kitchen after hearing the commotion, and told him not to worry because they would move everything back before they left.
“Philip, can I have your headphones?” Nancy held out her hand. Philip then pulled out a long wire with two earplugs from his pants pocket and handed it to Nancy. She unrolled the wire and laid it down in a line in the middle of the space they had created.
“Okay everyone, stand on that side of the line,” she said, gesturing at the wire on the floor. Troy and Philip were the first to move to a spot facing Nancy. Satya quickly followed them. Then Robert put a hand on Ang’s shoulder and the two of them stepped up beside Troy. Mingma was the last to move. He shuffled awkwardly until he stood beside his son. They were all standing in a line, facing Nancy, who was on the other side of the headphones.
“Ah...what are we doing, Miss Nancy?” Ang asked.
“It’s a game, Ang. Come on, we tried all those dance steps of yours. Just play with us, okay?”
Ang looked unsure, but Robert put his arm around Ang’s shoulder and said, “She’s right, Ang...We all tried your dance last night. Now it’s your turn. Come on, try it a little.”
Ang shook his head in disapproval. “All right, but soon this boy needs to get off his leg.” Ang then settled in beside Troy and Mingma.
Nancy then explained, “Okay, Mr. Sanchez is going to ask a question. And if that question is something that you do or you feel, then you have to cross over the headphones to the other side of the room, okay?”
Nancy then walked over the headphones and stood in line with all the men. Robert walked away from the group, and shook his head in amazement as he smiled to himself, thinking, Well, this will be a record: the first cross the line ever done at this altitude! But as he walked to face the group, he felt a sudden shiver of emotion come over him. Images of Troy as a kid, in prison, shot at in the street; Nancy screaming, crying, singing over the phone; Philip’s whole body shaking in uncontrollable anguish. And now here they all stood together—halfway up the tallest mountain on the planet—standing in this chilly, barren eating room with some headphones creating a makeshift line; standing with three Sherpas and waiting for one son to have the courage to cross a line because he wanted to show his father something.
Mingma and Ang both stared at Robert with distrust on their faces. Satya stood between them with his eyes closed, as if he was lost in prayer, wishing for some kind of miracle to descend into this tiny little room.
“Okay,” Robert started. “Cross the line if you ever thought of—”
Nancy stopped him. “Oh, Mr. Sanchez, please don’t start with that one right away. Do some questions to warm us up first.”
Robert chuckled loudly. “You don’t ask for much do you, Nancy? Yeah...okay then. Let’s see. All right, let’s start with...Cross the line if you don’t have any brothers or sisters.”
Satya opened his eyes and turned to his father. “Baba, that’s you! You don’t have any brothers or sisters...Go, Baba. You have to cross over that wire to Mr. Sanchez.”
Mingma looked at his son and muttered something, but still crossed over. Then Philip crossed and stood beside Mingma, who gave him a sheepish smile.
Robert then walked over to Mingma and put a hand on his shoulder and said, “Okay...see, this is one thing you two have in common, but is different from the others. Look, see Mingma, you’re not alone in this, right?”
Mingma shrugged a so-what.
“Okay, cross back over.” Robert patted Mingma on his back as he left.
“All right, cross the line if you...Hmmm...okay, I know. Cross if you never thought of climbing or never really wanted to climb a mountain.”
All five exchanged questioning looks. Then Troy walked across and faced the group. “Let me tell you, this is the last place I ever thought I’d be!”
Nancy and Philip laughed and just as Robert was about to speak, Ang walked over and stood beside Troy.
Mingma then said something to Ang in their own language. Ang just shook his head.
Troy looked at Ang and asked, “Are you kidding us? You never wanted to climb a mountain—you, the greatest Sherpa around?”
Ang’s weathered face had a serious look as he simply replied, “No.”
“You never wanted to climb a mountain and yet you do it every day?” Troy asked in utter disbelief. Then Mingma said something in Nepalese again, but Ang just looked at Mingma and repeated another even more firm, “No.”
Robert took a step towards Ang with a questioning look. “Really Ang? So, you never enjoyed climbing?”
“You did not ask if we enjoy climb, Mr. Robert. Sometimes I enjoy the climb and I enjoy the people like you very much, but you asked if we ever wanted to climb. And I have never wanted to climb.” Ang bowed his head reverently to Robert.
Then Philip spoke up, “Okay, Ang, so you never wanted to climb but you enjoy it?”
Ang turned to Philip and smiled. “A man can always find joy in something he does not want to do.”
Philip thought about it and then shrugged. “Yeah, I guess you can. This is the last place I ever wanted to be too.”
Ang then crossed back over and stood beside Mingma. He raised his arm and placed it on Mingma’s shoulder as he spoke.
“My uncle, my father and my brother died climbing a mountain. I climb the same reason Mingma does: so his son will not have to.”
“That is so incredible Mingma. You’re such a great dad!” Nancy gushed.
But Mingma didn’t turn to acknowledge what Ang or Nancy had just said. He looked incredibly intense, as if he was about to explode. The small room was very still and quiet. Satya took a step to stand directly in front of his father and broke the silence.
“Thank you, Baba. Thank you, Ang.” Satya then started to clap his hands. Nancy quickly bounced beside Satya and clapped as well. Troy, Philip and Robert immediately joined in. The applause grew in rhythm and became increasingly louder. Mingma just stared at the floor and Ang looked a bit embarrassed at everyone applauding them. But Ang’s face soon broke into a huge toothy smile and he bowed to show his thanks. Across the room, the cook joined in and was banging a large wooden spoon on a pot. As soon as everyone saw this, they broke into a heart-felt laugh.
“Does he even know why we’re clapping?” Philip asked.
Troy quickly seized the moment and said, “Okay, everyone cross the line who wants to thank the cook for our food!” Everyone crossed over and faced the cook, with the exception of Mingma. The group applauded the cook. Ang walked over to the cook and explained what Troy had said and why they were clapping for him.
“Tank...you, tank you,” he said in his broken English. Then he spoke in Nepalese. Ang turned to the group and translated what the cook had said.
“We live to find joy, he said. And he thanks all of you for bringing joy to his kitchen.” Everyone except Mingma applauded the cook again.
Robert walked back over to the other side where everyone stood and whispered something to Nancy. She smiled and nodded back to him. Robert then moved to the middle where the headphones were and spoke.
“All right, let’s do the question Satya wanted.”
Satya squeezed his eyes shut once again. Mingma was still brooding and staring at the floor.
“Cross the line if you have ever thought of...or tried to hurt yourself...
or even attempted suicide.”
Nancy took a step towards the line, but stopped and turned back to look at Satya. Satya opened his eyes. They were now filled with tears. He took four long strides and crossed the line, but kept his back to the others. Nancy swiftly followed him and took his hand. She raised her arm to wipe some of the tears off his face with her sweater.
“Okay,” she whispered. “Let’s turn around.”
Satya sniffed and smiled meekly. “Okay.”
As they turned to face the group, Satya looked directly at his father, but Mingma had not raised his head and was still staring at the floor. Philip started clapping, and Troy and Robert joined in. Ang looked confused and clapped hesitantly.
Mingma threw his head up and exploded,
“Stop! Please stop!” Everyone did. Mingma continued speaking angrily. “This is not for clap!...This is not for proud!...Come now, Satya!” Mingma then stomped his way towards the door, his old boots pounding on the wooden floor.
Nancy ran in front of him, beating Mingma to the door. “No, wait, Mingma, don’t get mad at Satya, He just—”
Mingma turned to Nancy and pointed at her. “You are bad for boy. This is not for clapping! You are bad for boy. Come now, Satya!”
Ang walked behind Satya, put his hand firmly on his back and started walking him to the door. “Satya, go with your father now.”
“NO!” Satya pulled away from Ang and stood between the two Sherpas. “NO! Baba, this Nancy is not bad.” Satya then looked at Troy, Robert and Philip. “They clap for me, Baba, because now I am not alone. This Nancy is not bad.”
“Come, we go, now, Satya!” Mingma opened the door.
“Go with father, Satya!” Ang pointed to the open door.
“To where, Baba? To where do I go, Ang?”
“We go. Rest your leg. Come, we prepare for tomorrow.” His father waved his hand for Satya to go through the open door.
Satya slowly walked out the door, but just as he passed through the threshold, he quickly grabbed the door handle and shut it before his father could follow him. Mingma tried to open the door, but outside Satya held the door handle tight so his father couldn’t open it.
“Satya, open door!” Mingma shouted to his son.
“NO, Baba, you must listen,” Satya yelled through the closed door. “I know, Baba, you ask me not to talk. That if I don’t talk, it will heal my life. But Baba, each day I don’t talk, I feel worse. I think more of how much I hurt you and Aama. Baba, you climb this mountain to make my life better, to make it not like yours, right?...”
“Satya, come open the door! Talk no more!” Mingma pulled at the door. “Satya, talk no more!”
“I want to talk, Baba! I need to tell you and Aama...I am sorry. I’m sorry I’m not smart enough. I’m sorry I can’t be a doctor. That I lose all your money.”
Mingma pulled mightily at the door handle but it wouldn’t budge. He banged on the door to get Satya to open it, but Satya held tight. He looked back behind him. Robert, Troy and Philip were now standing beside Nancy. The cook came back out and was standing near Ang. No one was doing anything to help him open the door.
Mingma pulled one last time, yelling, “Talk no more, Satya! Talk no more!” Satya let go of the handle and Mingma fell on his backside as the door flew open.
The cold night air quickly filled the room. Satya stood at the door and saw his father on the floor. He took a couple of steps into the room. Nancy ran to close the door behind him. He walked over to his father to help his father sit up. Then, he sat beside him on the floor. He never once looked at his father as he spoke.
“Baba, you always say with the animals...you must get the weight just right for the load they carry. That it must be right or animal be hurt for life. Baba...this...” He then touched the red scar that lined his neck. “This...is now something I have to carry...this. This is my load that I carry, Baba, and it...is not weighted right.”
Mingma raised his hand and spoke softly. “Satya, please, no more words.”
Satya turned his body and looked directly at his father. “No, Baba, I don’t want to hurt for life. What do you say to all these people who come to climb Sagarmāthā? One step then the other. You teach them that when they climb, Baba—you always say: First they must want to be there before they take even one step, right, Baba?...They must want to be here first before they climb. And so, that’s what I need to do, Baba. I want to be here with you. So then...my step...my step must be to talk, Baba. To tell you...”
Those were the words Satya used: “My steps must be to you...” Tears fill my eyes as I write this, darling. Tonight must have been one of the most difficult and humbling situations for Mingma and Ang. These Sherpas are always so completely generous in spirit, yet they are not much for sharing anything too personal. But Sherpa pride was not going to stop Satya tonight. The dam inside him had finally burst and he just let it all flood right out of him. Sitting beside his father on that bare floor, telling us all how he tried to kill himself because of shame! Shame?! His father, Mingma, had saved for many years to send his son to medical school, but Satya failed his first term and was dismissed from the school. When Satya got home, apparently he lied and said the school was on a break and told his parents he had great marks. He didn’t know how to tell his parents he had failed the one and only hope they had for him. It was at the beginning of the Dumje festival (something the Sherpas celebrate—prosperity, good health, and general welfare of the Sherpa community) and he knew his parents and almost everyone in the village would be out singing and celebrating. That was when he tried to hang himself. His mother unexpectedly came back because Mingma had forgot his hat and she was the one who saw Satya hanging there. He was unconscious but still breathing, but she couldn’t get him down so she grabbed onto Satya’s legs and tried to hold her son up as she shouted and screamed for help. Fortunately a couple of neighbours were leaving late for the festival and they heard the screaming. They came and helped cut Satya down...thirty more seconds, he’d have been dead.
Tonight, after we did the “cross the line” and Satya holding the door, we all tried to leave the dinner room (especially Ang) to give Satya time with his dad, but Satya begged us to stay. Must have been so hard for Mingma, he is such a proud man. Must have been a living nightmare for him—first to bear the shame of having his neighbours witness his son trying to kill himself, and now the shame of all of us hearing what his son had done. Ang had known about it. It was partially his idea that Satya come on this trek and to not talk. He was supposed to use this climb as some kind of silent penance...and rehabilitation.
Oh my love, there was such agony in Mingma’s face as he listened to his son! He is such a big muscular looking man, but there on that floor, he looked so...so...completely helpless. Yet, the miracle Satya looked to be praying for must have come because you could see that, no matter how helpless his father felt, Mingma was listening. It was so beautiful, you know, that wonderful moment when a parent starts to understand that their child has a need to be heard. Well, it happened right in front of us. With every breath his father took in, you could see he was filling himself up with his son’s words. And even though as Satya spoke, we could see this unbearable pain on his face—it was incredible watching this strong, strong man use every ounce of his mighty strength to just let his son talk. And you know, as a father, all I could think of was you and Jen. I’m not sure how much strength I would have or what I would do if Little Rock tried to take her life, or even felt that desperate.
Jenny put her hand over the journal. “Kyle, I’m sorry. Look beside you. I think that little girl—Look, Claire is listening. I’m not sure she should be listening to this.”
Kyle looked across the aisle. Jenny was right—Claire was leaning over her armrest. The moment Kyle’s eyes met Claire’s, she asked him, “Can you read louder please? I keep missing stuff.”
27. PRESENT DAY – AT THE HOTEL
K’naan’s “Waving Flag” was still playing. Greg gave Lou a thumbs-u
p. Good old dependable Lou had gotten a group of his employees to sing along, which slowly encouraged the staff of the other two companies to clap hands and sing along as well. Greg sighed in relief. The presentation was going well. The response was not as critical as he anticipated. The morning’s schedule had changed a couple of times already. Robert would speak before lunch—then after lunch, but since Linkup’s president had still not arrived, it looked as if the plan was going to have to change once again. Greg walked over to Monique and told her the change of plans.
“Look, Monique, I’m sorry but we have to change the schedule again. Mr. Romano is still in transit and won’t be here for another hour. So, I’m wondering if it is possible to have Robert start his talk now?”
“What now?” Monique’s voice was full of panic. She hardly had enough time to sort out her fears. First, there was Jenny’s frantic voicemail, which was abruptly cut off and second, because of Robert’s behaviour all morning, she was becoming more and more afraid of what might come out of Robert’s mouth during his talk today. And now she felt terrified of how Robert might react to the sudden change of plans.
“I’m so sorry to do this to you, Monique, but we now have some time we need to fill before lunch can be served. I think it’s best if we have Robert speak now and delay the lunch a little. What do you think?” Greg said.
Monique stood up quickly, trying to find some excuse to delay. She looked to Amir and said, “But I don’t think Amir has had enough time to set everything up.”
Amir, overhearing the conversation, quickly took a step towards the two of them. With a smile and reassuring voice, he said, “Oh, don’t you worry, Miss Monique. I am as ready as a man can be. When would you like to start, Mr. Wong?”
“How about five minutes?”
Monique felt a little faint. Her thoughts were racing. Jenny’s voice was still echoing, “Why does Daddy have a gun now?” in her mind. She looked at Robert, who was still staring off into space and clutching that brown leather bag. A voice inside her screamed, What is in that goddamn bag that no one is allowed to touch?
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