by Pace, Pepper
She smiled back, genuinely happy to see him. If she could, she would have changed the past year of her life and never allowed him to get so close. She loved this man; she just wasn’t in love with him.
He picked her up as if he hadn’t seen her in a year! “Hi, darlin’.” he drawled as he kissed her.
She returned the kiss, feeling her eyes sting with emotion.
“Hello yourself.”
“Let’s go get your bags and go home. I missed you.” He gave her a meaningful look.
“Home? Where’s that?”
“Missy and Derek’s. They offered to let me crash. Man, you should see your god-daughter, little Leslie. She’s a grown up now. I remember when she was just a chubby little kid that used to stick her fingers in the cupcakes.” James chattered as they retrieved her bags, not seeming to notice that she wasn’t contributing much to the conversation other than a few smiles and a few responsive comments. They walked arm and arm to a rental car and drove back to Missy and Derek’s place.
“What do you think about me…selling one of the bakeries?”
His brow went up in surprise. “Oh?”
“Not the main store.”
“Well, it’s not been easy managing two stores in a state different than the one you’re living. I guess I sorta saw you selling the Connecticut store and moving back here.”
She paused. “I think I’d like to stay in Connecticut.”
“Okay.”
She didn’t say much else until they got to the house. Missy hurried out the door and was standing next to the drive when she opened her door.
“GIRLFRIEND!!! You are looking so good!” The two friends hugged. Missy had picked up enough weight to now be called pleasantly plumped. They walked arm in arm into the house as James brought in her bags.
After they finished their greetings, caught up on old news, and gossiped a bit Leslie looked around to make sure that James hadn’t returned. He had stepped out to give them time to catch up.
“Missy.” She gripped her friend’s hand, her expression solemn. “I’m leaving James.”
Missy just stared at her as if she couldn’t figure out the puzzle behind those words. “I don’t…understand. I thought that you and James were doing great. Leslie…don’t do this again; dump a perfectly good guy! James is crazy about you…” Her friend gasped. “Oh god…he’s going to ask you to marry him this weekend!”
“Oh no…”
“We can’t talk about this here! He might come back.” She led her friend to her little sports car and they went for a drive. “Okay,” Missy had a grim look on her face. “Did you meet someone else?”
“It’s…not that simple.”
“You’re cheating on him! I can’t believe-”
“No. It’s the other way around. I was cheating on someone else with him.”
“Huh?” Missy had a completely perplexed look on her face.
“I’m not in love with James. It’s not because he’s not a totally terrific guy. But I’m in love with someone else and I’ve been in love with them for a long time.”
Missy had a horrified look on her face and she almost crashed the car pulling up to the curb. “We ain’t talking about Derek, are we?!”
“What? No!”
Missy had the good graces to blush. “I’m sorr—well who the hell are we talking about?”
“Angel.”
“Who the hell is Angel?”
She looked at Missy and it reminded her almost exactly of the last time they talked about this; almost twenty years ago. Back then she’d had faith in her friend, and had been able to talk about things that were hard to share. Missy had never let her down. She would tell her the truth.
“A long time ago, we were sitting in your Mom’s car and I put in a cassette tape of this Cure song; Pictures of You.”
Missy was still parked on the side of the road and she nodded. “Yeah, I remember that night. Your grandmother had terminal cancer and that was the summer that you were taking care of her.”
“Yes. Do you remember the story I told you about this guy in my dreams?”
“A guy in your dreams?”
“Yes, he follows me around. He’s always there-”
“I remember that. You used to dream about a cute white guy. I asked you if you were doing it with him. Leave it to you not to have fun with a dream guy!”
“Actually, I did begin having fun with him.”
Missy smirked before her expression grew serious again. “Okay. But what does this have to do with anything?”
“That boy that was in my dreams I fell in love with him back when I was a teenager. We had this…dream love affair.”
Missy nodded slowly. “It’s hard to follow up a dream. No real man can ever compare. But you have a real man now, honey-”
“Yes! I do. That boy that I used to dream about, that existed only in my dreams is real now. He and I can be together in reality.”
Missy’s eyes darted away from Leslie’s. “A-are…are you saying that you are having a love affair with a guy that you used to dream about as a kid? That the dream guy is real?”
“Wow…you caught on quick. That’s exactly what I’m saying.”
Missy searched for the right, delicate words. “Does this man know that you think he’s the dream guy?”
“He’s been dreaming about me the way that I’ve been dreaming about him! I never knew that I was the Angel over his shoulder just as he was the Angel over mine.”
“I see.” Missy said, hesitantly. She searched Leslie’s eyes. “This guy, you want to be with him? You love him more than James…and he’s real, right? He’s not a figment of your imagination?”
“Yes. Yes he’s real, yes to everything that you just asked!”
Missy nodded. “When are you going to tell him?”
“Are you saying that you believe me?”
“No, but I know that you aren’t one to give in to fantasy. If you believe it, then that’s all that matters. The thing that concerns me is James.” Leslie nodded.
“Me, too.”
Leslie decided that she wouldn’t procrastinate. As soon as they got back to the house, she went in search of James. He was on his phone with a supplier. He held up a finger to her and she waited patiently until he was finished.
He closed his cell and pulled her into his arms. She came along stiffly. He released her immediately.
“What’s wrong?”
She looked at him closely. “I…love you. I love you James.” His expression didn’t change; he didn’t smile because he could hear the big ‘but’. “But I’m not IN LOVE with you.”
He turned his back and walked away from her. She could have gushed on but decided to stay quiet in order to allow him to absorb what she was saying.
“Do you know how devoted I am to you?” He asked softly, back still turned to her.
“Yes.” She whispered. “You’ve always been there for me; personally and in business. You’re one of my very best friends.”
He turned to look at her. The hurt was evident in his green eyes. “Is this your way of saying that you don’t want to be together anymore?”
She nodded.
His face seemed to crack and his lips parted as he stared at her in disbelief. “Tell me something.” Leslie looked away, knowing his question—or at least knowing that it was something that she wouldn’t want to answer. “Since I’ve been here, I’ve felt that you haven’t been…are you—have you met someone else?”
“A long time ago.” She met his eyes. He deserved that. “Before you.”
“And now he’s back and I’m out?” He paced angrily a few steps before his eyes flashed at her again. “How long have you been seeing him? How long have you been with another man while you were with me?!”
She shook her head. “That wasn’t how it happened. I didn’t see him again until after you left. I mean, I’m not trying to tell you that it’s not about him. You’re right, it’s about him and I’ve never been able to open up to
you because my heart has always been with him-”
“Fucking…” He was shaking his head and pacing again. Then he swung around to look at her again. “You’re a fucking liar because I’ve loved you for years-YEARS! And I’ve never ever seen you with anyone that made you…” His voice cracked. “That made you feel half as good as I have!”
Tears stung her eyes. Because what he said was true…except he didn’t know her when she knew Angel. “I’m sorry.” She crossed her arms. She hadn’t wanted to apologize and she damn sure hadn’t wanted to cry but tears were gliding down her face. “I never wanted to hurt you-”
James rolled his eyes. “Don’t cry! Do not cry because…I don’t ever want to see you crying.” His voice softened. “I’ve seen you go through so much, Leslie. But I’ve never seen you cry. You’re crying over me?”
She covered her face as her body shook. His gentle words were killing her. “You don’t deserve this. You’ve been good to me.” She looked at him and swiped at her tears. “You’re a good friend. I want you to buy the bakery. I want to sell it to you for a dollar-”
He waved her words away. “Buy the bakery for a buck, or buy yourself a conscious? No. I don’t want the bakery. I don’t want anything from you.” He gave her a calm look. “I want to forget that I ever met you.” He walked past her and out the door.
She stood there for a while and cried silently. She’d seen her future and she knew what she’d had with James. He was a kind man. But she had not been truly happy.
Leslie flew back to Connecticut two days later. In that time, she never saw James. He had taken his belongings and left. Alan met her at the airport. When he spotted her, the serious look on his face lifted and he hurried to her. She couldn’t help but to think of a similar greeting just a few days before with a totally different emotion.
Leslie ran to greet him, leaping into his arms happily. It was the first time that they’d been public with their relationship. What did people see; the cougar with her young lover? A black woman and a white man? A scarred, battle weary woman with an innocent lover? Leslie didn’t care what anyone else thought. This man whose arms she was in, loved her unconditionally.
On the ride back to her home, she told him how hard the break up had been, but that she didn’t have any second thoughts. She asked him how his break up had gone.
“Not good. She got mad at me, she yelled, she accused me of being a racist.” He glanced at her. “I…I told her about you. But it hadn’t made things go better when she heard that you were black AND older then her.” She reached out and touched his hand, the one that rested on the gear shift.
“I have something that might make you feel better.” He opened the center console and removed a burned CD. He slipped it into the player and she heard the soft, mellow melody of the familiar Bobby Caldwell song.
“That-!” She pointed at the player while staring at him with wild eyes. “That’s my song!”
“I wanted to ask you, if we can make this our song?”
She sat quietly and listened to the words of the song that had been the one bright beacon in her life; connecting her past, her present and now her future.
She smiled and nodded and they sang the familiar verse together;
There are times, when you’ll need someone
I will be by your side…
Epilogue
James stared into his beer. Here he was sitting in a bar drinking away his woes like some stereotypical sad sack that had gotten dumped; which is exactly what he was. He mentally calculated the beers that he’d had and then paid his tab because his intent was not to get drunk, just to drown his pain; dilute it. He swallowed back the last of the warm beer and then nodded to the pretty bartender.
She had admired his tattoos but she was too young and cute for a biker like him; pushing fifty with a worn face and a fucked up disposition. Women didn’t rank high on his list at the moment. But he refused to think directly of Leslie. Not that she wasn’t always somewhere in the back of his mind, haunting ever action and every thought that he had.
Fuck! I don’t want to rehash this shit again! He thought as he gunned his motorcycle. He pulled into the gated community that he now lived. He had rented a townhouse, mostly because he wanted his bike safe. What a fine biker he made! On top of that he was currently between jobs; unemployed. And he was eating through his savings like a maniac. But he did have a plan. When his savings was exhausted then he’d hit the road again and leave behind this bullshit life that he’d gotten sidetracked by.
This time he cracked a smile that actually touched more than his lips. Back in the day he used to ride in the deserts from Utah to Arizona --only to end up on the beach in California. He’d have a tote and a blanket and sometimes that’s all he needed for days on end. But then he became James the baker and he fell in love with a broken black girl…
He cut off his bike and sat there for a moment. It hurt. It hurt like hell and it had been a month since she’d told him that there was someone else. Leslie had been fucking someone else. Leslie loved someone else…
He lit a cigarette and sat there in the night. He lived alone and could smoke in the house but had learned to go outside for a smoke. He sighed and walked to his door and then squashed out the half smoked butt with the heel of his boot. He grabbed the mail from his mailbox and then entered the house.
It was a mess but…well who did he have to impress?! He cut on the light and then shuffled through the envelopes, tossing the junk ones onto the coffee table by the door. He suddenly froze; a thick envelope heavy in his hand and a name on the front that he didn’t want see; Leslie Wilke.
In defiance he tossed the letter with the other junk mail and walked into his kitchen for a beer. He rubbed his face and then slammed the refrigerator door closed with the beer still inside and headed for the letter, ripping it open carefully. He looked curiously at a letter and then another envelope, the second one old like it had been written ages ago.
His heart was thumping at the same time that he was brewing with anger and hurt…but something else as well; hope. He sank down into the armchair, his green eyes moving across the letter and the neatly written words that he recognized instantly.
Hi James, I’m sure that I am the last person that you want to hear from right now, but there is something that I needed to tell you. There is no one else that should hear this more than you because you lived it with me for many years, even before there was an US, you were still one of the few constants in my life.
James sat back and lowered the letter to his lap for a moment as he thought about the words that she had written. Well at least she knew that much.
You know my story; what happened to my parents, my grandmother and the things that went on with my fucked up childhood. But what I never shared is how I got through those times. You see, I had a friend that when I closed my eyes I could dream about. When I was a child this friend would take my hand and lead me through the hardest periods of my life. Maybe everyone has a guardian angel that you see only in your dreams—or maybe this was just something special between me and him.
No, he wasn’t real, at least not in the sense that I could wake up and see him there. But to me, he was real and my dreams became the life that I wanted to lead. I guess I withdrew some from reality. But when I was awake I knew things that I didn’t want to know. And when I was asleep I could have a different reality.