But despite my refusal, I feel it burrow deep in the corner of my mind, the hope that this interminable wait for a bondmate will some day end, and my need for companionship and release will be fulfilled. Locking the thought away, I follow the Counsil to Tanzy’s final assessment, not knowing whether I wish her to succeed or fail.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Tanzy
The waiting is killing me. I don’t know where I am, but this chamber makes me nervous. The lack of light, or any type of softness in its surfaces, makes me feel as if its sole purpose is to keep me off balance. I perch on the edge of the chair that resides next to the tall, marble table pushed against one wall.
Dim lighting illuminates the shapes, and I would find it soothing if I knew that I was free to meditate and relax. But not knowing what this room is intended for, it seems imprudent to let my guard down on my emotions. It would be so much easier if someone would explain the parameters and desired results.
Idly, I drift around the room, noting that this is the first room I’ve been in that doesn’t seem to have any type of amplification. There are no crystals imbedded in the walls, no singing bowls tucked away in unlikely places. In fact, it’s almost as if this room were built for dampening energy.
Frowning at that thought, I wonder why that disturbs me so much. If someone were going to test your energy, wouldn’t they want to give you every chance to amplify it rather than the reverse? Pondering that thought makes my logical, scientific mind rebel. I hate mysteries. Sighing, I realize that’s not true—I love mysteries. What I hate is undetermined motives.
Stretching my body again, I can’t help but be a bit delighted by the bass thrumming through my energy. I no longer see the thread that I visualized connecting us when Jasper left me earlier, but I can still feel faint echoes of his energy in my aura. And my body still feels strengthened by his energy. I wonder how long that will last? Is it possible that it’s a permanent boost to my being?
Suddenly fascinated, I realize that I never questioned what type of boost I got from Laz when we reached frequency, or what he received from me. Is it even possible that I neglected something so basic that I never thought to analyze the changes? Now I’m convinced the atmosphere of this room is messing with my mind as I begin to question everything that I believe.
Were there changes? Surely there must be—no being reaches frequency without boosting. Thinking back, I close my eyes and try to recapture the moments surrounding the event; there was so much wonder inherent in that moment and those that followed, I don’t remember questioning anything that came after.
We left the lab. We went to Laz’s cell. We indulged our intimate connection. What changed? My mind focuses more on Laz’s behavior next; were there differences? Maybe it’s because Laz and I were always so intimately entwined in our friendship that we didn’t notice the more subtle changes.
Laz was always more good-natured and outgoing, and when I was with him I naturally became more outgoing myself. I just assumed that it was because I felt more comfortable when Laz was around me. It seems obvious now that I actually became more social when Laz and I bonded. I no longer avoided situations when he wasn’t with me, and I became more assertive about voicing my opinions, especially when it came to my knowledge. I no longer questioned if I was right about something that I felt I truly understood. I became more confident in my opinions.
The knowledge of everything I gained settles around me like a warm blanket, and I smile in pleasure at something that I’ve taken for granted. That wasn’t just the personal growth that comes with the yarns; that was Laz’s influence.
During that time, I now realize that Laz’s skills seemed to escalate quickly. He was always the scholarly one, but he also said that he admired the special sense of intuition that I had about things, something that he lacked. I used to laugh and point out that he obviously had figured it out because his research abilities began to quickly outpace my own. Instead of focusing on healing, he became much more adept and enthusiastic about the conceptual intricacies behind it.
It seems so clear now that his boost was intuitive. I remember him saying more recently how he now felt that he could often see ‘inside’ the data, that it ’spoke’ to him in ways that he didn’t feel in his earlier yarns. I can’t help the flood of satisfaction I feel, knowing how much we gained from one another without even realizing it, and my heart floods with love for the unselfish gift I was given. I know Laz feels it too, but I vow to make sure that I tell him my revelations and thank him fully for his amazing energy.
Which brings me to Jasper. And what will I tell Laz when the time comes. I’m so confused, I don’t know what the ramifications of all this means for the three of us. I only know that I could never put Laz aside. And to be honest, I’m intrigued and excited, and somewhat terrified, to find out how the bond to Jasper will manifest.
Rather than allow myself to continue to be haunted by the continued silence, I find myself humming softly as I focus on the work I left behind. Equations begin to run through my brain as I think back to the last experiment that Laz and I were setting up before I was so rudely pulled away.
Our search for compounds that could mimic Obsidian and its effects are puzzling in the extreme. We’ve tried converting other similar stones like hematite, but ruefully, I accept that you would need to be a true alchemist to make this actually happen. I’ve never been one to give up on a challenge, and I believe that if Obsidian works, there must be something else that can be used in its place. Like Jasper’s mysterious organs, it’s very rare that the universe doesn’t provide some type of natural back-up system in case of failure.
Oddly, that thought brings heat to my face. I know that now is not the time to be contemplating Jasper’s organs—mysterious or otherwise. It certainly isn’t like me to be thinking such things, but I can’t help but shift uncomfortably as I realize that not only am I intrigued, I’m actually eager to view them in all of their glory. Zirc! I need to redirect those thoughts; now is definitely not the time.
Now, it’s more important to figure out what Amet was trying to tell me. Perhaps he knew something more about our project that we didn’t. Or knew where new resources would be, but that they were currently unavailable. It’s a conundrum. Enough time has passed that I don’t really remember what Amet was working on when he Unlightened.
I begin to realize that he had been absent quite a bit at that point, spending more time with the Spectrum than with us. I thought it was just a sign of how much he trusted us to carry on the work without him. Or an indication that we weren’t close enough to any given solution that it wasn’t important enough for him to be involved then. Faintly, I remember him indicating that we should start exploring off-planet; that the answers were more likely outside our environment. That’s when we started cataloguing other elements and their base origins, and why we bypassed hematite originally as an unlikely source. Its availability was so limited that, even if its energy could be converted, it was no more readily available than Obsidian; which means it could never be a permanent solution.
Soft lights begin to brighten the room by small degrees, and suddenly, it seems as if the light has begun to shimmer with the echoes of color. The softness is joined to a playful energy that begins to swirl around me, as if inviting me to play. I find myself somewhat entranced, as I try to follow the paths of the energy that greets me.
It’s almost as if it is inviting me to play a game of tag, to just follow the energy around the room as it darts this way and that. I actually find myself getting to my feet, and turning in a slow circle, trying to feel the tendrils that come and go, that tap me on the back or arm, and fade away once again, teasing me to give chase. I can’t help the delighted laugh that falls from my lips; the energy has been so serious up to this point, it’s a relief to be able to focus on something so much lighter.
As if my thoughts proved too frivolous, the energy immediately disappears, to be replaced by something heavier. It’s almost like the beat of
a war drum pounding in my head, similar to Jasper’s energy, but without the sensual edge of desire that I feel every time Jasper is near. Tilting my head slightly, I try to taste a small piece of the energy, focusing intently on the source, and tracing it back to its owner. And while I can’t be certain, it definitely feels like Carn is reaching out to me, trying to connect to my energy.
Wondering what that can mean, I decide to allow the energy to look at my own without question. After all, if I am going to accept Jasper, it stands to reason that I should be able to trust his father as well. It’s almost as if the energy sighs and softens, as if it has received exactly what it was looking for. Once again, I feel the energy retreat, and I relax at the thought that even though I have no clue what I am doing, it seems that those who are testing me are content with whatever answer they seem to be receiving.
Oddly enough, I don’t find myself resentful of their probing, as none of it has been particularly intrusive. Again, as if that thought alone was a catalyst, a harsher, more hungry energy tries to batter its way into mine. I find myself recoiling quickly, immediately shutting down my senses to rebuff the intruder. That was no polite knock on my silica. That was a hammer blow to a vital organ, and judging from the energy signature, I can be pretty certain that it came from Hesson. Why she would feel the need to come at me with such force is puzzling, but I guess in the end, it makes sense considering the drama that always seems to accompany her offshoot.
I vow once again to stay far away from her energy, and then realize that perhaps this is my way out! If she can’t connect to me, then perhaps that means that I am not able to heal her in any way. And now... I’m in a quandary. My job as a healer is to help any and all who need it. We are not supposed to take into consideration the energy of those asking for healing. Can I in good conscience not allow her in?
Perhaps this is where my supposed ‘distorted healing process’ will work in my favor. Most healers leave themselves vulnerable by starting at their core and pushing their energy out, leaving their energy wide open to intrusion. By using my ability to seal off my energy from the outside before burrowing in, those beings that I am healing benefit from my sharing power with them, without me allowing them to intrude into my energetic field.
I always wondered what the point of that inequity in my abilities was, but perhaps this is the answer. I am less vulnerable than the average healer. Still, there’s always a risk when you open yourself up to someone else’s energy. Deciding to try again, I open my senses just a fraction, allowing small tendrils of my energy to flow from my being, when they are immediately attacked once again by a strong wave of Orange energy.
Zirc! What is it that she is trying to prove for Vishna’s sake? The Orange energy grips at my own with talons, as if trying to pull my energy further out from the small opening that I’ve left, when suddenly a Yellow essence begins to slowly surround the Orange, softening the effect. I’m a bit shocked, and then somewhat amused, as I realize that Paz must be trying to temper Hesson’s energy.
Apparently Titan comes by his ability honestly. His father, who of course has been at this for many more centons, seems to have a politician’s ability to temper any situation. I would be more amused if I wasn’t so off-balance. But Paz’s energy is not as benign as it would seem. While he is tempering Hesson’s attempts to infiltrate my energy, there is definitely a question trying to burrow into my mind, as if there is specific information that he is trying to find.
A heavier, Blue energy begins to join with Paz’s to force Hesson out of my sphere. I realize that Phire has now joined the fray, and it’s almost as if he has agreed with Paz that Hesson is out of line, and decided to put her back into her place. Like a slingshot, I feel a rebound of energy almost as if Hesson has slapped back at Phire, trying to rebuff his advance, before finally giving in gracefully, and then sensually stroking his Blue energy with her own.
Desire builds between them and I’m a bit disturbed to be party to their antics as their energy dances around each other, and Paz’s energy slips into the dance. It’s almost mesmerizing to feel the harmony that begins to build between them. Like a building flame, I’m slowly enveloped into the resulting sensuality of the dance until I recoil, wondering why I’m so drawn to the energy that just moments before tried to bite at my own and strip it unwillingly.
A slight whimper emits from my throat because I don’t want to share; I don’t want to be part of this dance. There is only one person I want to share energy with, well actually two, not that Jasper and I have bonded intimately. This blatant act of drawing me into their building intimacy feels somehow shameful and voyeuristic, to be feeling this unwilling stroking of my senses, like a violation of my own free will.
Something feels terribly intrusive as I’m forced to allow this sharing, yet it doesn’t feel dangerous the way it does when someone is deliberately trying to force energy on you. There’s a certain amount of temperance here, almost as if everyone is being forced to keep their energy in check, even while they test my own. Colors swirl around the room as if I’m in a whirlwind and I suddenly realize I am in the middle of the Spectrum. This is no longer a metaphorical possibility; this is happening ... now... and I don’t understand my purpose.
What would Amet expect of me here? They’ve said they want me as a healer; perhaps I need to discover what there is to heal. Really concentrating on the energy, I realize that I can now pick out the signatures more clearly. Feeling my way, I try to separate them in my mind as distinct threads. It’s harder now that they have been working in harmony, but almost as if deliberately following my thought, the threads separate and I can see them clearly in my mind.
Chalce, or someone, must be using their empath senses because that’s the third time now that they have anticipated my thought process. There’s only one thread that I am uncertain of, and it’s apparent that it belongs to Jaden. It’s hard to follow because it stays outside of my range, as if wanting me to know that it’s there, but not wanting to engage with my own.
It’s an aloof energy - not in any way invasive, more like a friendly acquaintance. Interested in knowing who you are, but not especially wanting to deepen the relationship. Happy superficiality, that’s what it feels like. Good Light, nice to meet you, please meet my friends, let me know if you need anything while you’re here.
What a relief. Energy without expectation. Ever since Titan brought me here, I’ve been feeling a sense of expectation. As if every being I’ve met up to this point had an agenda and wanted something from me. Which is stupid, I know, because why else would I be here? Obviously, they want something from me - but do they have to be quite so blatant about it, for Vishna’s sake?
All I want is the comfort of Laz’s settling presence. I want to go home to him where I feel safe. I don’t even want to deal with the question of Jasper’s bond right now, I realize sadly. I’m overwhelmed and uncertain and I just want to be with the one person that I know I never have to question. My rock. My center.
As if I conjured him to me here, Laz’s energy suddenly wraps around my own and I spin to see the beautiful shades of blue that glow softly now around me. I’d recognize that glow anywhere. Most empaths feel the energy; some can distinguish auras, but very few can truly track the energy signatures. It’s something that I actually learned from Karma.
The day we found Karma in her tree and decided to make her a pet, it was because I was drawn to her colors. Chameleons can display the full color spectrum, although traditionally, they try to blend with their environment. When we first saw Karma she was shaded Green, mixed with Blue and Violet. We felt instinctively that the Blue and Violet indicated she represented us in some way.
The longer we kept her, we realized that her colors didn’t change to mimic the physical environment, she mimicked the ENERGY present in her environment. The green shade never went away, she always carried a band of it somewhere on her being, but she would change to indicate what energy was present around us.
That’s how I sensed
danger around Laz the night I woke and found her shading Orange and Red. I didn’t know that it represented Lian and his friends, but I did know that it didn’t belong in our environment. And that’s why I’ve missed her so desperately here. Because despite being an empath, initially it was comforting having my own personal early warning system. And even though I eventually began to distinguish the energy on my own after Amet’s death, it was always nice to have a secondary gut check.
Now, I could actually feel Laz’s distinct energy signature reaching out to me protectively, although it felt unusually restrained in some way. There was a slight tugging at my senses that was inhibiting Laz from embracing me completely. It was Jasper’s energy, I realized with wonder, almost as if he was building a protective shield around me to separate me from Laz’s energy.
Focusing on these competing energies, I finally sense that all of the other colors have retreated. I can’t feel the Spectrum anymore; all of their energies have been blocked from feeding from my own as if they never existed. I sink into the relief of being back in familiar territory until Titan’s energy tries to push into the mix, only to be rebuffed by Laz. A small sigh of regret echos through my senses as I feel his energy retreat, mirrored oddly enough by Jasper until he tries to assert dominance once again.
Jasper’s Red and Laz’s Blue flash around the room, the energy swirling and buffeting my own until I start to feel faint from the increased pressure. I gasp for air as the colors swirl around me in a whirlwind until I begin to bend under the pressure of their fight for dominance. Covering my head with my hands, I silently plead with them to stop, until small spots begin to dance before my eyes and I feel myself falling.
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