by Sara Hubbard
After I change into my pajamas, I flick through the channels for a while. I try and watch a comedy show, but I miss all the jokes as I think about my conversation with Jack. I sure hope his situation resolves soon. I’m not sure I can take all this worry. Every day it seems like something else gets piled onto his mess. Now, he still might go to jail for resisting. Or for drugs. Does he do drugs? His friends do, so does that mean he does?
I try and tell myself he’s eighteen and I should let him live his life, but I can’t do that. To me, he’s still the kid whose diapers I changed and who would crawl into bed with me and suck his thumb while he held onto a teddy bear. In my mind, he’ll always be that. My brother but also something more now Mom is gone.
I force myself to go to bed after midnight. My eyes burn with sleepiness and my whole body aches, especially my feet. When I wake, it’s to a loud rapping at the door. I jolt awake, sitting upright while I stare through the darkness in my room. Did I hear that, or was it a dream? The clock reads four-thirty in the morning. Surely, I dreamed it, because who would come here at this hour? But then I hear another rap. Then another.
I get out of bed, the tiled flooring cold under my feet. I pull on a robe and tie it while I tip-toe to the door. Slowly, I make my way to the door, picking up an umbrella on the way. I hold it tight between my hands, resting the end on my shoulder like a baseball bat. My heart pounds, imagining the worst. Nothing good comes of late night visits like this. For all I know it could be Yuri or his goons. Through the keyhole, I squint to make out the shape of a man, but at this level, all I see is broad shoulders and a brown leather jacket over a black shirt. So I check the window, pushing the curtains back with a finger. I heave a sigh at the sight of Niko. He stands with his head bowed and his hands on his hips.
I unlock the door quickly, yanking it open. He doesn’t look up right away, but when he does, I know there is something terribly wrong. It overshadows my irritation for him coming here in the middle of the night. I just need to know he’s okay. That my brother is okay.
I arch an eyebrow and frown at him as he meets my eyes. His Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows. Then he takes a breath. “I’m sorry,” he says. “I shouldn’t have come.” But that’s not why he’s sorry. There’s more to it than that. I touch his arm and guide him inside of my apartment. When he’s in, I lock the door and latch it.
He looks like Jack sounded earlier. Only his clothes are immaculate, his hair is wet and he smells of soap, though he smells of something else, too. Smoke. Why does he smell like smoke?
“What’s going on?” I ask.
“Nothing,” he says.
I shake my head. “I don’t believe you.”
“Can I stay?” he asks. His face is so boyish right now and it tugs at my heart. Niko has never asked me for help, ever. He always tried to protect me from everything. His life. His family. People at school who bullied me for not dressing or acting the same as everyone else. He never told me about his fears or his pain because he never wanted to burden me.
“Of course,” I say softly.
He reaches out and takes my hand. In an uncharacteristic gesture, he lifts it to his lips and kisses it gently, his lips smooth against my skin. His touch sends shivers down my arm to settle in the pit of my stomach. Then he turns his head to press his cheek against my flesh and I’m ruined. All my defenses crumbling at his vulnerability.
I take his hand in mine and lead him to the bedroom. I expect him to touch me and for us to have sex, but he surprises me again when he lies down and pulls me into his arms, my back to his front. He strokes the delicate skin on my forearm and brushes the hair from my eyes to tuck it behind my ear. Then he falls asleep. The whole time he sleeps, I’m awake and I’m scared. He’s rattled and nothing rattles him.
I roll over to face him and tuck my head in under his chin. I listen to his breathing and eventually I fall asleep. My dreams are all over the place. I’m young again and up in a tree after running from a party where my boyfriend cheated with some random girl because I wasn’t ready to go all the way. And I’m losing my balance and falling, expecting to hit the ground, but instead I’m in Niko’s arms and he’s smiling at me. Then I’m visiting him in jail, Plexiglas between us. He’s putting the phone down because he’s finished with me and I’m banging on the glass, screaming at him to fight for us. Then I’m on the ground with a bullet in my gut while he holds me in his arms, rocking me and telling me everything is going to be all right. But all the while, I see his dead sister standing over us, holding out her hand to me.
I wake in a sweat, Niko shushing me and wiping my brow with his hand. “Bad dream?”
I nod and pull him close, wrapping my arms around his neck. “It was awful. It was like I was reliving the past but also seeing the future.”
“You didn’t like what you saw?”
“I have a bad feeling, Niko. You have me scared.”
“What do you mean?”
“You were a mess when you came here tonight and I’ve never seen you fall apart about anything before, except…” I can’t bear to finish my sentence. I’ve never really had a conversation with him about what happened to Claire. He’s never opened up and let me in about that night. It always gets brushed away or glossed over, when we both know something inside of him broke the night she was brutalized, and I have a feeling he’s never been right since.
“Claire,” he says, his voice breathy. He sits up in bed and I sit up with him, moving in front of him with my legs up and tucked into my chest.
“What happened today? Last time I saw you, you were fine.” I wrap my arms around my legs and lower my chin to rest on my knees.
“I did something,” he says.
“Niko…”
“I can’t tell you what it is, but it was bad. And I think things might be about to get worse.”
My chest constricts. How much worse can they get? “I thought you were going straight?”
His silence speaks volumes and I heave a breath, unsure of how to respond. I want to be mad at him for whatever he’s gotten himself into it, but deep down I worry that I might be partly to blame for it. “I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s going on.”
“I don’t want your help. I just need to know that you’re here if I need you.” He reaches out and rubs my upper arms with the palms of his warm hands. Then he leans in to press a soft kiss to my lips.
“I’ll always be here for you. No matter what happens between us. Whether we’re getting along or fighting, miles apart or in different countries. You can always count on me.”
His voice is soft. “I know that. And I don’t deserve it.”
I let go of my legs and stretch out to lay beside him, with my leg over his. With my head on his shoulder, I look up at him. “We were friends first. We’ll always have that even if things don’t work out between us.”
He lowers his gaze. “And you think they won’t?”
I sigh, close my eyes, before flashing them open to watch him biting the corner of his lips. “I don’t know. I’d like them to, but this is still new and we still have things to work through.”
“The sex is good,” he says with a hint of a smile.
“Well, if a relationship was just about sex, I think we’d be set. But you know it’s not. I need more.”
“Whatever you need, whatever you want, tell me and it’s yours.”
I can’t help but smile at him. He’s so certain, and so willing, to do what he can to make me happy now. Unfortunately, I can’t tell him what I want when I don’t have the slightest idea what it is. Henry made me a great offer today and I considered marching to his office and telling him I was up for the challenge. But then, as the day went on I was glad I didn’t. He was right. Taking that job would just bind me tighter to this town. It took him saying that out loud for me to realize I don’t want that. But I’m not sure if school is what I want, either. I wanted it so badly for so long, but when I had the opportunity, I never jumped at it. Not for the last six year
s.
“I need you to be open with me. Let me in like you let me in last night.”
He knits his eyebrows together and takes my hand. He slides his fingers along the inside of mine. Up and down, up and down before I close my hand around his. He opens his mouth to speak but he’s silenced by a knock on the door.
The sun is barely shining in through the thin fabric curtain on my window. The clock reads six-fifteen. Doesn’t anyone sleep around here? “Hold that thought,” I tell him. I push off his chest and move to stand, but he grabs my hand before I’m out of reach. His eyes are hard when he says. “You expecting someone? At this hour?”
“No, but it’s probably my neighbor, Betty. Sometimes she comes by in the morning. She never seems to have milk for her coffee.”
“Don’t open the door unless you can see who it is.”
I frown as I squeeze his hand a little tighter. “Do I need to be worried?”
“No, I don’t think so. But you never know. And I don’t like to get caught with my guard down.”
I let go of his hand, toss on some clothes, and pad to the door.
Through the peephole, I see Liam. First Niko and now Liam. I turn my head to the hallway, think about Niko sitting on the bed, and how he was when he got here last night. How I could smell a hint of smoke on him that I don’t think came from a cigarette. He said he did something bad. So while I worry about Liam coming to tell me something about Jack, my gut tells me he’s here about Niko, and that I’m really not going to like what comes next.
16
IVY: I fiddle with the locks before throwing the door open. Liam’s face is severe, like he has news he’s not happy to share. Of course, I think of Jack. I haven’t spoken to him since last night and a lot can happen in a few hours. The winter chill nips at my already cold skin and I pull my sweater closed and fold my arms over my chest. “Liam? What are you doing here? Is it Jack?”
“He’s fine.” He shifts his weight on his black booted feet. “As far as I know.”
I heave sigh of relief. “God, you scared me for a moment.” I take a breath to calm my racing heart, but this conversation isn’t over yet. Now I’m back to focusing on Niko, and the guilt he carried when he arrived here late last night.
“Can I come in?”
I take a step back and wave him in. “Do you want coffee? Am I going to need coffee?”
He chuckles but it doesn’t touch his eyes.
“Please, just tell me. I can’t take people holding back because they’re afraid to tell me things. I’m stronger than I look. I swear I won’t break.”
“Okay.” He reaches out to touch his hand to my upper arm and slowly caresses my arm over my sweater. “I’ll get right to it, then. There was a fire out by Briar Lake, and well…they found a body inside.”
“A body?” I bite at my lip and shake my head, remembering the faint smell of smoke that Niko had almost washed clean from his body, but still lingered in his hair. I reach out for the chair to my right and rely on it to keep my knees from buckling. But he said he wasn’t here about Jack? So why is he here? Why come and tell me about this? “And it’s not Jack, right? You said you weren’t here about Jack.”
“What?” He shakes his head quickly. “Oh, God, Ivy. No, it wasn’t Jack. I’m sorry. You must be out of your mind right now.” He touches a hand to my cheek and I still, worried Niko will see and how he’ll respond. The last thing I need is Niko and Liam arguing…or worse.
“Um.” My eyes flicker to his hand and he drops it back to my shoulder.
“Sorry. Old habit.”
Niko appears in the hallway, his footfalls thunderous. He clears his throat and when I look his way, I see him gritting his teeth as he stares at Liam’s hand on my arm. I don’t need a fight so I nonchalantly pull away from Liam and march to the kitchen. “I think I’m going to need that coffee after all.”
Niko struts over to Liam. He towers over him. From this angle, Niko’s tall and muscular body all but blocks Liam from my view. Watching them flex their muscles at each other is not on my list of to-dos this morning. I busy myself with rinsing out the day old coffee in the pot and scrubbing it clean before making another.
“Nikolai Kosh,” Liam says. “I’m Liam Wentworth. We went to high school together? I was a senior when you were a junior.”
Niko says nothing. I can only imagine the look he’s giving Liam. He couldn’t care less who Liam is, though I’m sure he remembers him.
“I didn’t know Ivy had company. I was just dropping by to check on her.”
“Why is that your business?”
I glare at Niko, but he won’t look my way. He can’t take his eyes off of Liam.
“Liam, I’m confused. Why would that fire make you want to come and check on me?”
“We haven’t identified the body yet, but the house belonged to Justin Fergus. And the neighbors say that he’s away on the rigs right now and that his cousin, Brent, was staying there.”
“You think that’s Brent’s body?” I grip the counter, suddenly making the connection. He’s worried for me and Jack. That we might be next.
Niko takes a few steps back and then meets me in the kitchen. He wraps a comforting arm around my shoulders, although I’m sure it’s just as much for Liam as it is for me. His arm feels heavy, and the room starts to grow smaller.
Liam hitches a shoulder. “We don’t know for sure. But if it is, then I have to believe it might be related to the theft.”
I shake my head and try to catch my breath. Niko rubs my back but I quietly say, “Stop” and he grimaces at me. My eyes narrow and he swallows hard before casting his eyes to the ground. ‘I did something bad’ echoes in my mind. I know what you did. And from the look on his face, he knows I know. But I try and keep my composure, for the sake of Liam. I don’t want to make Niko look guilty before I can confirm what I know, and before I give him the chance to explain himself. I want to believe Yuri made him. Maybe that was the price for saving Jack? Oh, God. Please let me be wrong. Please.
Liam picks up on the tension between Niko and me and levels Niko with a glare. “Your uncle feeling a little scorned about the theft?”
Niko shrugs. “I wouldn’t know. I haven’t seen him much since I got out.”
“Hmm. And were you here all night?”
I duck my head. As if this couldn’t get any more uncomfortable.
“I spent the night if that’s what you’re getting at. And it was amazing.” He stresses amazing, as if trying to stick it to Liam that we had sex last night—only we didn’t, and I wouldn’t appreciate him throwing it in Liam’s face if we did. Niko doesn’t know we used to date, but I’d bet he’d pour it on thicker if he did. I roll my eyes and my temper flares.
“Niko!” I snap. They edge closer to each other and I push them apart and stand between them. “Liam, let me walk you out.” I look over my shoulder and glare at Niko as I follow Liam out the door, closing it behind us.
We stand on the porch that runs the length of the building. With hunched shoulders, I hug myself and feel the strain in my face as I try and block out the cold. He takes a step forward, blocking the wind.
“I’m so sorry about that,” I say.
He draws his eyebrows together and sighs. “Ivy, I hope you know what you’re doing.”
“I do, and I’m sorry. I don’t know why he was acting like that.”
“Are you kidding? He’s possessive. Guys like that…with tempers…I just hope one day his anger isn’t aimed at you.”
I trust Liam’s opinion, but not in this instance. Maybe I would if I knew Niko less, but Niko has never laid a hand on me in anger. In my gut, I know this. He’s not perfect, but he doesn’t hurt women and he protects the people in his life he cares about. Which is another reason why I think Claire’s tragedy was so hard for him. He wasn’t there to save her.
But Niko’s temper is not the problem right now. The problem is, he potentially killed someone. That’s a hard thing to accept, especially if what he did i
s the result of my asking for his help. I hold my stomach, nausea traveling from my gut to my throat.
“I don’t want to talk about Niko.” And I don’t. I just need to assess the threat so I can process what’s happened and how it affects Jack. “Tell me about Brent. You think Yuri did this?”
“I don’t know. Won’t know anything until the investigation is done. But all signs point to Brent being the victim. The Koshes are looking like prime suspects, so you might want to talk to your boyfriend in there about that. Because if that was punishment for the theft, then your brother might be next.” He puts his cap on and tips it to me before descending the stairs. I stay rooted in place while he gets in his cruiser and pulls out of the lot.
The door screeches open and a solemn Niko wanders through until he’s next to me, placing his hand on the small of my back. I walk away, unable to think with his hands on me. When I’m inside, I walk to the kitchen before turning on my heel and facing him. He stands by the chair, his hands out at his sides, his mouth open, but no words coming out. Like he’s reading my thoughts and he knows what I’m about to say, or what’s coming next.
“What the hell is going on?” I ask him, trying my damnedest to keep my voice even.
“Everything is fine.”
“Everything is not fine, Niko. You come over here in the middle of the night smelling of smoke and you won’t tell me what’s wrong when something clearly is. Then Liam shows up and you’re a complete dick to him, even though he only came here as a friend to warn me that my brother might be in trouble and I’m pretty sure everything he told me wasn’t news to you, so don’t bother trying to hide it.”
He massages his fingers in his temple while he casts his eyes to the floor. “Were you with that guy?”
“That’s what you’re focusing on right now?” I snap back at him. I want to pull my hair out, but instead let out an exasperated groan. “You really are something.” I pick a cushion up off the couch and fire it at his head. He bats it away and stomps over to me, holding me with his eyes.