by Sara Hubbard
18
IVY: Only regular customers sit in the few tables occupied at the diner. There is a light dusting of snow outside and that must be why. Normally, it’s busier at lunchtime. May and Alice are working the front. Alice is reading a newspaper by the cash, while May is drying off a coffee pot.
I scuff my boots on the mat by the door to get rid of the slush before approaching the counter. “Hey girls,” I say, forcing a smile. I try and keep my voice upbeat so they don’t see how much of a mess I am on the inside.
“You picked a great day off,” Alice says.
“Isn’t that always the way,” I say. Truth be told, I’d rather be working. My life has changed in a hundred different ways over the last week and I’m still trying to adjust to my new normal. Loneliness has hit me from time to time before, usually when I was in my apartment late at night and the world quieted, but now, since Jack left, it’s nonstop. A thickness sits in my throat to match the squeezing sensation in my chest. I worry for Jack, more than I ever have. I want to believe he’s going to be okay, but it’s hard to have faith with all the curve balls getting tossed at me. The only people I have nearby now are the people in this restaurant, especially Henry, who always lends me an ear when I need to talk. I also have Niko, although I still haven’t talked to him since he left my place yesterday. I’m still wrestling with my guilt and wondering how he and I can possibly get over what’s happened. When I imagine his face, all I can see is my part in what he did, and I hate myself for pushing him toward Yuri.
All of this has me thinking about why I’m still here in this town. I’ve always loved it here, but that was when it was still a home. Back before Mom passed and Jack and I still lived with her in that old Victorian house we spent most of our childhood in. Mom is gone, Jack left, and I had to sell the house just for her estate to break even with a small amount left over for her funeral. There is nothing to keep me here anymore. Which has me thinking, what is there left for me here?
I make my way to the arm leading to behind the counter and duck under it. “Is Henry out back?” I ask Alice.
“Yep. He says he’s working hard on some accounting, but I walked by an hour ago, and I’m pretty sure I heard music playing from that time-suck game, Sweet Crush.”
“Thanks.”
The cooks are listening to music out back. Aaron nods to me while he scrubs at one of the burners. Tony is pulling pies out of the oven. I smile at them as I pass.
Henry’s door is barely ajar. I knock lightly and the door creaks open. Through the crack, I watch Henry lift his head. He grumbles and waves me in. I peek over his computer monitor and see the diamonds on Sweet Crush connect and disappear before new ones appear. “Getting lots of work done?” I say with a raised eyebrow and a small smile on my lips.
“I’m on a break.”
“It’s your business, Henry. You don’t have to justify yourself to me.”
He shuts off his monitor and offers me some licorice from the glass jar on his desk. I pluck one out and take a bite.
“Any reason you’re here on your day off? You miss us that much?”
I smile a little wider, though my heart squeezes a little. “Something like that. I just wanted to come by and tell you in person that I…” I take a breath. I’ve been here so long and I’m all choked up as I try and say good-bye.
“You’re leaving.”
I nod. “I’m so grateful for the opportunity to take over this place, and I might have jumped at it a week ago, but things have changed and I’ve had to take a step back and think about what I want. What’s going to make me happy… It’s taken me some time to get past Mom’s death and get back on track and I think I’m finally ready to move on.” I leave out the other heart-wrenching moments of recent years, like Claire’s death and Niko’s abandonment and Jack’s mistakes and now Brent’s death. I love Henry, but none of these things are things I want to talk about with him. “Jack left this morning. Just like that. He knew it was time to go and he just did it.”
He tilts his head to the side and his eyebrows squish together. “Where’d he go? When did he go? It’s kind of sudden, isn’t it?”
I’m silent a beat. I can’t tell Henry anything more than I have. It might end up hurting him or Jack. It’s better he knows as little as possible. “It doesn’t matter.”
He scratches his chin. “So he left, just like that?”
“It was time. There was nothing holding him here anymore.”
Henry leans forward to rest his elbows on the desk. He looks down at his hands when he says, “I got to say I’m going to miss you. It won’t be the same here without you.”
I’m going to miss him too. More than he could ever know. My grandparents died when I was young, and my dad took off when I was still a kid. Henry was honestly the only grown man I’ve had in my life. He looks out for me and I have few of those people left. I force a shaky smile and choke out a quiet, “Will you be ok?”
He laughs. “No one can take your place, but someone will be able to manage this place well enough. It’s not like it’s rocket science. I’m glad you’re finally moving forward. Your mom would be happy.”
“You think?” If only she were here. Would she really be happy about how things have played out since she left? Henry is being kind, and his opinion of me might drastically change if he knew everything. He’d urge me to go to the cops. To not protect Niko and not to tell Jack to run. No. Henry is not someone that would condone running from problems. He battles them head on. A fight broke out in the restaurant one day and he grabbed his shotgun, chambered a round and cocked it before he pointed it at those foolish boys. They let go of each other and backed away with their hands up. A table and some chairs were destroyed and some plates. Henry made them sit and wait until Liam came and picked them up.
“I’m going to stick around for a little while longer. I have the apartment until May. And I already called my landlord and she said I could keep it until next fall. Whether I’m ready or not, I’m going to school.”
“It’s a done deal?”
“I called the university, and since they accepted me for last year, they said I could defer it. I’m in, Henry. I’m ready to go.” Now all I have to do is figure out how I’m going to pay for it.
“So we have you a little while longer then?”
“Ten months. Will that be enough time to replace me?”
“Kid, you’re irreplaceable.” He winks at me and I get up and go around his desk to pull him into a giant hug while tears threaten to fall.
A few hours later, I’m at home when Jack calls to check in. He looked up an old friend and he’s staying with him until he has a job. I offer him money again but he won’t take it. And I’m awfully proud that he’s doing this on his own. I just hope he does it right.
While Jack talks about his plans, I sit at my kitchen table, flipping through an academic calendar. The school I’m going to is in Sterling too. That way Jack and I are close if we need each other. He’s pretty excited when I tell him.
“Thank God,” he says. “But I’ve heard this all before. You’ve gotta follow through this time, all right?”
I chuckle and flip another page. “No more procrastinating. It’s time.”
“Good. And I hope that means you’re coming alone.”
I sigh and sink into my chair. I prop my feet up. He knows Niko and I are having problems. I don’t offer details, but Jack won’t quit bothering me.
“I don’t know. Things between Niko and me are just so complicated.”
“You want to talk about it?”
There is no way to explain to him how I’m feeling right now without telling him about Brent, and that’s not an option. So, instead, I make stuff up that’s based on a nugget of truth. I talk about Niko having trouble being completely honest with me and how I know he holds back, especially when it comes to things that really matter.
“He’s a Kosh. It’s in his DNA to be dishonest.”
I frown. That’s not really fair.
“He’s not the same person, Jack. He’s changed. I mean, there are parts of him that are very much the same, but he’s trying.”
“Hayley was never very honest with me, either. I shouldn’t have, but I called her today to see how she’s doing. Losing Brent can’t be easy. But she didn’t sound overly upset and she was kind of acting weird.”
I adjust the phone in the crook of my neck as I stand and take my coffee mug to the kitchen sink. I rinse it out while I talk. “She lost her brother. Of course she’s going to be a little off.”
“Nah, that wasn’t it. She was tense…like something else was going on. And she wanted my address. Earlier she wanted me to go away and she didn’t want to know where I was going, but now? She wants my street address.”
The muscles in my whole body clench as I imagine the worst. “Did you give it to her?”
“No. Of course I didn’t. You think she was asking for someone else?”
Silence. I want to believe that’s not true. I want to believe the best in people, but I’ve been cold to her since the moment I first met her. Something about her bothered me. The constant frown on her face or the way she talked to Jack like she was superior, rolling her eyes and calling him a loser once when he said he wanted to wait to go to college. The truth is he didn’t have the money, but he was too embarrassed to admit that, even if it was obvious. Like her and her family were upper class citizens. So as much as I don’t want to believe it, my gut screams she’s ready to betray him. I can’t let that happen.
“Jack, I’m pretty sure you think the same or you would have given it to her. You need to lay low, all right? Check in with your lawyer, but that’s it. But don’t come back here unless you have to.”
“I hear you, sis. Don’t worry. I’m not stupid. And I’m not ready to die.”
“Good. Because I don’t want to get the same call Hayley got.” The image of Liam at my door again, this time with the worst news I could ever receive, flashes through my mind. I shake it off, tears rimming my eyes just thinking about it. I couldn’t bear it if it happened for real.
When Jack lets me go I don’t get his new cell number, and I don’t want it. The less I know about where he is, and what he’s doing, the better. I almost wonder if I should tell him Sterling isn’t far enough. If Yuri has cops in his pockets, then who else does he have? And how far does his reach go? I’m afraid to know the answers.
19
NIKO: I take a long draw of my beer and set it down on the counter. Then I pick at the label, focusing on getting the entire thing off without a single tear. I have fucked things up with Ivy, and yet, I don’t know how I could have done things differently. If I hadn’t killed Brent, Yuri would have sent someone else and that someone else would have had a bullet for Jack, too. I suppose I could have told her I didn’t actually pull the trigger. Maybe it might lessen my guilt in her eyes. But the truth is, whether I pulled it or not, I was there and I was prepared to do it. Only I choked. And who knows? If Vik hadn’t done if for me, maybe I would have ignored that nagging inner voice in my head and done it anyway. I guess I’ll never know.
Fuck. I sigh and take another drink, the cool liquid sliding down my throat to turn warm in my stomach. Vik took that guy out for two reasons: first, because I couldn’t, and second, because he knew it would eat at me. A big brother through and through, even if it means committing murder. I’m not sure what I would do without him.
A firm hand grips my shoulder and jostles me. I look up and see Vik. He sits on the stool beside me and signals to Jim, the owner and bartender. “I’ll take a Red’s on tap.”
“Make that two,” I say, finishing off my beer and setting it alongside the other empty to my left.
Vik rolls his eyes and puts his arm around me. “I’m going to regret this, but do you want to talk about it?”
“Cop came by Ivy’s this morning. Liam Wentworth. Do you remember that fucking douchebag from high school?”
Vik shrugs and removes his hand from my back when Jim sets his beer down on the coaster in front of him. He doesn’t say a word.
“She was fucking him, wasn’t she?” My hair falls in my face and I shove it out of my eyes. I clench my jaw and wait for his reply.
He shrugs. “I don’t know who she was or wasn’t fucking. And I thought you didn’t want to know about that shit.”
“Well, I want to know now.” Heat flares in my chest and stomach.
He groans and takes a long swig. “She was with him for maybe six months. But I wasn’t really counting.”
“Who else?”
“Why? You gonna do something about it?”
I glare at him and a quiet growl escapes my lips.
Vik sighs and shakes his head. “Women. This is what they do to us. They make us crazy. We’re better off without them. You gotta take my advice and lose the conscience. Just fuck ’em and leave them. The best of both worlds. And chicks love that. They love the chase. I swear they hunt me down just so they can sit on my cock.”
I raise my eyebrows at him. He makes single sound great. But the thought of fucking some other girl makes me feel sick. I don’t want anyone else. I want Ivy. I just don’t know how we get past this. Her expression flashes into my mind: pale face in contrast with puffy red eyes open wide in horror or shock. A quivering lower lip and deep creases in her forehead. She wore that same expression when I beat the piss out of Darren, only her mouth was open. She’ll never look at me the same.
I take another drink.
“I got to be honest, I think douchebag was the only guy she was around,” Vik says. “She never went near anyone for maybe four years. I never liked her much but I have to give her credit for that. She waited an awfully long time for you to change your mind.”
Some guys playing darts in the corner start hooting and hollering over a bullseye shot. I glance over at them as one guy in a ball cap slaps some money in another guy’s hand.
“I never should have let her go.”
“Maybe not,” Vik says.
In this moment, I feel a pang of loneliness. He’s the only person in the world close enough for me to share anything important, and yet, I can’t talk to him about what happened with Ivy earlier. If he knew Ivy suspected us of killing Brent, he’d lose his mind. He’d never hurt her because that’d hurt me, but I’m pretty sure I’d be going home with more than a broken heart tonight. Just because I allow myself to trust Ivy, doesn’t mean he does.
Vik sighs and takes a drink, almost finishing off his bottle. “I’m definitely going to need another one of these if I have to listen to you go on about being lovesick some more.”
“I still love her and I fucked it up. I tried to be the hero so she’d have me back and then I fucking walked into this mess.”
Vik shushes me. “Keep your voice down.”
I lean in to whisper, unsure if he’s heard anything since we put Brent down. We both got to be smart and stay on top of things or risk everything falling apart. “The cop said they’re sure the body was Brent’s.”
He nods and we stay silent as Jim hands Vik another beer. When Jim is out of earshot, he leans back over, offering up his own information. “Fire Marshall confirmed the fire was arson. They’re investigating the murder, and from what I hear, the cops are pointing their investigation straight at Reed when they confirm Brent’s identity.”
I cough as my beer goes down the wrong hole. I punch myself dead center in the chest and clear my throat. “How long does something like that take?”
“Three to five days. But it don’t matter. Damage is already done. I didn’t get that information from my dirty cop. I got it from Yuri.”
I snap my head in Vik’s direction. He’s smiling now. “I got to admit it, brother.” He wings me with his elbow. “Things played out just like you thought they would. Now life is about to get interesting.” He raises his glass and winks at me before guzzling. “Here’s to chaos.”
“Does Reed know about all of this?”
Vik shrugs. “When I left
the house earlier, Yuri and Reed were in his study with the doors closed. Reed is set to take the fall for us. And I got to say I’m happy for it. Fucking prick. Why the fuck would he steal from his father?”
“Maybe he’s making a move to take over.”
Vik frowns as he considers this. “You think?”
“His father has always been hard on him. I couldn’t imagine growing up in that house. I would want him dead, too.”
To my surprise, Vik nods in agreement. I jerk my head in his direction. “I thought you idolized Yuri?”
Vik nearly chokes on his beer. “Please. The only person I idolize is myself. Dad wasn’t much of a father and Yuri didn’t try to fill his shoes once Dad left. He was a means to an end.”
“And what would that end be?”
He smiles, flashing me another wink. “A fat bank account. I’ve saved most of what I’ve earned since I turned eighteen. I live modestly, but once I have enough money, I’m out of here, man. Going to find me a spot on a beach somewhere. Maybe learn to surf.”
I can’t help but stare at my brother. This is a side of him I never knew. My flesh and blood. The man closest to me and I never knew this. It reminds me of Ivy and how she thought I never let her in—she probably still feels this way, actually. Maybe this is a family trait. Maybe my brother and I can’t help it. Keeping things close is a way of protecting ourselves.
“Maybe I’ll join you there,” I say quietly.
“Maybe. But I doubt it. Your girl won’t be on that beach.”
“I’m not sure that’s going to work out.”
“Bullshit. You’re gone six years and she waits four years to date someone else? And then dumps his ass months later? That girl never got over you. And instead of fighting for her, you’re sitting here drinking.”
He’s not wrong. When I left her yesterday, I thought I heard her call out my name as the door shut behind me. I convinced myself I only heard what I wanted to. If she wanted me to stay, I never would have made it to the door. She would have sprung from her seat and stood in front of the door, like she used to when we fought about stupid stuff in high school. I was always running away and she was always trying to get me to stay. Only this time, I didn’t want to leave. I wanted her to stop me. But I needed her to say it. Now I wonder if I’m being stupid. Will she think I abandoned her again? Fuck. I wish I knew. I’ll just give her some time. Let things sink in, and see where we end up.