Romantic Comedy Box Set (Helen Grey Series Books 1 & 2)

by Hodge, Sibel

  Kalem quickly emptied one of the final boxes and placed Smoky’s feather-light body inside. I carried him to the Land Rover, praying it wouldn’t pack up again.

  It started first time. Hurrah!

  I drove like a maniac to the vet, beeping the horn, and doing a few scary overtaking manoeuvres. Luckily, the vet was in reception when I arrived and ushered me straight into the treatment room.

  The vet reached into the box and examined him. ‘What happened?’

  ‘He was stuck in our container from the UK. He had twenty-eight packets of custard creams to eat, but no water in there.’

  She nodded. ‘He’s severely dehydrated and has lost a lot of body weight. You get condensation in the metal containers. He probably would’ve licked the walls, but it’s not enough. I need to get him on an IV drip straight away.’ She grabbed a cannula from a nearby draw. ‘You can leave him here. I’ll call you when he’s well enough to go home. Leave your details with the receptionist.’

  ‘So you think he’ll be OK?’

  ‘I’m pretty sure after a few days on the drip he’ll be a lot better.’

  ‘Oh, thank you! Thank you!’ I left the vet’s after giving them my contact details and rushed back to face the music.

  Maybe I wouldn’t be arrested, I thought as I came up the hill to the house. Maybe I’d just be deported, which was actually quite a welcome idea at the moment. But…hang on a minute, where was everybody? I noticed the lorry and car had gone.

  ‘Kalem?’ I jumped out the Land Rover and rushed into the house.

  Maybe Kalem had been arrested for aiding and abetting an international biscuit smuggling ring, and they were holding him hostage to make sure I turned myself in.

  ‘Hi, how was Smoky?’ Kalem looked up from hauling a box into one of the bedrooms.

  ‘The vet thinks he’ll be OK. What happened to the customs men?’ I lowered my voice to a whisper. ‘Are they hiding in wait for me?’

  He chuckled. ‘They’ve gone. Luckily for us, that singer, Jayde, is arriving on a flight soon, and they got called back to the airport for reinforcements, in case there are any rowdy paparazzi there.’

  I clutched my chest. Thank God. I’d just been saved by a superstar. I vowed to buy every single one of her records as soon as I got the chance.

  ‘But what did they say about Smoky or the custard creams?’ I flopped down in a chair. ‘Oh, no. I get it. They’re coming back later to arrest me, aren’t they?’ I squeezed my eyes shut, waiting for Kalem to give me all the horrible details. ‘It’s OK. You don’t have to break it to me gently. Just spit it out and get it over with.’

  ‘Julio’s sister rang him when you left the vet’s to say that if it hadn’t been for your custard creams, the poor cat would have starved to death. Julio decided to overlook the incident because he felt sorry for Smoky. Count your lucky stars that he’s an animal lover.’ He kissed me on the nose and put the box on top of a mountain of others.

  ‘Well, that’s a relief.’ My hand flew to my chest. ‘Smoky should be OK, but how are we going to tell his owner that his cat is about two and a half thousand miles away from home? Poor thing.’

  ‘I’ll give them a ring in a minute.’

  ‘Where’s Ayshe?’ I asked.

  He nodded towards the terrace. ‘Asleep on the sunbed.’

  ‘How did she manage to sleep through all that palaver?’ I shook my head. ‘Right, now that’s all sorted out, we need to get on with Operation Find Ferret Face.’

  ‘I just spoke to Charlie on the phone. He hasn’t had any luck finding him.’

  ‘Great.’ My face crumpled. ‘The trouble is, he could be absolutely anywhere.’

  ‘He’s going to meet you back at our hotel for some lunch before you go back to the Plaza with him and carry on looking. Like you said before, I can’t come with you because he’ll recognize me from the airport, and it might tip him off, so I’ll stay here and sort out some of these boxes. Do you want me to dig out some of your clothes?’ He scratched his head, staring at the daunting mountain of boxes everywhere.

  ‘Yes, please.’

  ‘OK.’ He stood in front of me and rested his arms on my shoulders, giving me a serious look. ‘And if you do find him, ring me. I don’t want you doing anything crazy or stupid that’s going to jeopardize your safety.’

  ‘Absolutely. And we need to synchronize watches.’ I glanced at my watch.

  He frowned. ‘Why?’

  ‘I don’t know, but I saw it in a spy film once.’ We adjusted our watches until they were both showing the same time down to the very second. I didn’t know exactly what it would achieve, but it sounded proactive.

  ‘What about Ayshe?’ I peered through the patio door to check she was still asleep.

  ‘She can stay here with me and sleep. I think the heat is affecting her pregnancy more than she’s letting on. She looks wiped out.’

  ‘I’m going to sleep for a week when this is all over.’ I rolled my eyes to the sky.

  The only problem was… would I still be alive?

  Chapter 11

  I met Charlie at the poolside bar of our hotel. No, actually, I rendezvoused with him (also saw that in spy film).

  I’d asked him to wear something inconspicuous to stakeout the Plaza in search of Ferret Face, but his idea of inconspicuous was not wearing pink. Instead, he had on a lime-green pair of cut-off trousers and a canary-yellow T-shirt with the words Sex Goddess on the front.

  ‘I couldn’t wait for you to eat. All this running around the Plaza has given me an appetite.’ He tucked into a plate piled high with moussaka and rice mixed with noodles.

  I ordered an iced coffee and a hellim cheese salad when the harassed waitress came over.

  ‘So, no luck finding Ferret Face, then?’ I asked.

  ‘No.’

  My eyes wandered around the pool area. Lots of people sunbathing, leisurely swimming, and tucking into bright-coloured cocktails at the bar. It wasn’t fair. That’s what I should be doing as well.

  ‘He must have an accomplice, but we don’t know who he is either,’ I said. ‘Oh, Charlie, what are we going to do?’ I slumped down in my chair.

  ‘Well, if it was me, I’d hide and not come out until Christmas,’ he said through a mouthful of rice.

  ‘Thanks for that helpful suggestion.’

  ‘Or get on the next plane back to the UK.’

  I glanced up at him. ‘That has actually crossed my mind. I’m not even sure if I want to live here after all this. It hasn’t exactly been what I was expecting.’

  ‘What? I love it here! Well…apart from the shops. Imagine never being able to nip down to a huge shopping centre to buy clothes.’

  ‘That’s exactly what I thought. Do you think that’s shallow and materialistic?’ I said as the waitress brought my order.

  Charlie pouted at me. ‘You’re talking to the queen of shallow here, so I’m probably not the best person to ask, really. But,’ he raised his forefinger in the air, ‘that’s what living in a hustling-bustling city does for you. It’s constantly drummed into us that we have to spend, spend, spend to be happy. And, of course, everything is convenient, too. I mean, what would I do without internet shopping, for God’s sake? Order your groceries in the morning and two hours later, hey presto – they’re being delivered to your door! And what about our supermarkets or DIY shops? Having everything you could possibly need under one roof. Whoever thought of that is a genius!’ He finally paused for a breath.

  I shook my head. ‘No internet shopping here, I’m afraid. They’re lucky if they have an internet connection half the time, apparently.’ I forked a piece of rocket and tomato into my mouth.

  ‘Ew. Very Seventies.’ He screwed up his face. ‘I think they need my fabulous computer programming skills over here.’ He grinned. ‘Well, maybe if it’s a slower pace of life here, you won’t be able to rely on the convenience factor, like in the UK, anymore. It might take you a bit longer to get things done, but,’ he shrugged, ‘that’
s the sacrifice, I suppose, for living the dream. I mean, being here is like stepping back in time, which doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing.’

  ‘Well, yes, there are some fantastic things here, but I’m not sure if I’m cut out for the simple life. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t want it to be a mini UK in the sun. I just thought it was going to be more…more cosmopolitan and modern. And I can’t tell Kalem. He wants to find another job and stay here.’

  ‘OK, so what did you expect when you moved to North Cyprus?’

  ‘Well, when Kalem asked me, it was at the same time that he proposed. So of course I was excited. I had a vision in my mind of moving from the gloomy UK to sunny Europe. Kind of like a Shirley Valentine moment, I suppose. Of course I’ve done lots of research in the last six months, so I knew it was going to be unspoiled and not like the commercial holiday destinations that I’ve been to before. But I’m a city girl. And a shopaholic.’ I prodded a piece of hellim. ‘How am I going to get to wear my Jimmy Choos when I’m up to my ears in olive picking and mucking out chickens? And I didn’t know that some of it was going to be so…so basic. I found out that they don’t even have a postal service. How weird is that?’

  ‘No postal service? Hmm.’ He thought about this for a second. ‘What about takeaway delivery?’

  ‘Oh, they have that. Just not out in the sticks where we’ll be living.’

  He waved a dismissive hand. ‘Actually that might be quite nice, not getting any junk mail. I’m fed up with getting bloody leaflets asking me if I want Viagra. I mean, honestly, do I look like I need it?’ He wiggled his hips. ‘How could this perfect specimen need Viagra?’ He took a sip of gin and tonic and lounged back in his chair, eyeing me carefully. ‘It’s just different here, that’s all.’ He shrugged. ‘And, anyway, some of it is cosmopolitan and modern. You’ve got the big, fancy hotels, haven’t you? OK, some things might be a smidgen basic, and they still like to do things in the old traditional Cypriot way, but I think it’s quite quaint, and it actually makes this place unique. It’s just a case of taking a bit of time to get used to it, that’s all.’ He leaned forward and pointed his fork at me. ‘OK. What’s the worst that could happen if you stay?’

  ‘We could get killed by Ferret Face.’

  ‘Forget about that for a minute.’ He waved his hand and a blob of rice fell off the fork and onto the table. ‘Close your eyes.’

  ‘What?’ I chewed on a piece of hellim that made my teeth squeak and frowned at him.

  ‘Just do it. Go on, close your eyes.’

  ‘Charlie, you’re being ridiculous, why should I close my eyes?’

  He sighed. ‘I want you to use your imagination for a minute. I know you’ve got a rather bizarre one, so humour me.’

  ‘OK,’ I huffed, putting down my fork and closing my eyes.

  ‘Right, I want you to imagine a mini film in your head of everything you’ve seen since you came here. A lovely, happy, little film.’

  ‘Charlie what’s–’

  ‘Ssh! Just do it.’

  I sighed and closed my eyes.

  ‘Are you doing it?’

  ‘Ye-es,’ I grumbled. ‘But my salad’s getting cold.’

  ‘OK, now think about what Cyprus has to offer that the UK doesn’t.’

  I took a deep breath and thought about it. ‘Well, lots of sunshine for a start. I hate the winter in the UK. Brrr. It’s got lovely, unspoiled beaches here – Oh, my God, and I forgot to tell you the other night that we even saw a turtle laying its eggs on the beach! It was amazing. And we saw a baby goat being born by the side of the road. It was so sweet.’

  ‘That’s it. That’s the kind of thing I’m after. OK, what else?’

  ‘Erm…it’s got lots of culture and historic places to explore. Miles and miles of rolling countryside and mountains. It’s got an unhurried, casual pace of life that is actually really appealing. It kind of makes you feel free, like you don’t have to look at your watch every five minutes to make sure you’re on time for the next appointment or job so you can earn more money and rush off to pay more bills.’

  ‘So, basically, it’s less stressful?’

  ‘Yes. And it’s light and bright and makes you feel kind of energized. It’s got delicious fresh organic food. It’s so sweet to see the sheep and goats wandering around, nibbling on the wild plants. It has views that I’ve never seen in the UK. And it’s cheaper.’

  ‘Hmm. So, when you put it like that, it’s actually got quite a lot going for it.’

  I opened my eyes then and looked at Charlie, pondering what I’d just said. It did actually sound like a fantastic opportunity to move here when I put it like that.

  Charlie shot me an amused look. ‘What about the bad things?’

  ‘Well, Ayshe and you will be in the UK, and I’ll hardly ever see you. Kalem’s extended family are nutters. No big shops. No takeaway delivery away from town. No internet half the time. No postal service. Power cuts. My wedding dress is missing with my nan’s lucky charm. Erol Hussein is out to get us. Kalem hasn’t got a job now. We’re cursed by the Queen Cleopatra statue. I might end up like Felicity Kendall in The Good Life. And all of that’s without even including Ferret Face. I think that’s plenty, really. Oh, why did we have to come here?’ My face crumpled. You see, when I put it like that, it sounded more like a horror film. ‘Everything was perfectly normal before this.’

  He tapped his lips. ‘Yes, I see your point, although I can’t quite see you as Felicity Kendall. And I don’t think Osman and his mum are nutters.’

  ‘But they’ve got a sniffer sheep, he made me milk a ram, and they crack boiled eggs on any available surface. That’s so not normal.’

  ‘I’d say that just makes them quirky, but then you aren’t exactly quirk-free, are you, missy?’ He carried on eating.

  I tilted my head. ‘Well…no.’

  ‘So, if you hadn’t picked up Ferret Face’s suitcase, everything would be going as you planned, and you’d probably actually enjoy being here? Apart from the shops and Ayshe and me.’

  I narrowed my eyes, deep in thought for a minute. ‘I think so.’

  Charlie put down his fork and slapped a hand on the table. ‘Well, let’s go and find the bad guys and do something about it.’

  I drained the last dregs of my coffee. ‘Yes, you’re absolutely right.’ I vaulted out of my chair.

  ****

  We moseyed through the front door of the Plaza like a couple of chilled-out holiday makers. A different receptionist was on the desk. The smile was the same, though: helpful and courteous. I bet they all had mouth ache when they finished their shifts. Our flip-flops clicked across the glittery marble reception area as we made our way past the loungey leather sofas to the bar at the side.

  No Ferret Face.

  OK, not a problem. It was early days yet and the place was huge. Huger than huge, in fact. It was like a mini town.

  ‘Let’s do the inside first, then we can go out to the pool area,’ I said, sauntering past an open-plan piano bar with only a few people inside.

  We took the stairs down to the lower ground floor, past the trendy boutiques. No Ferret Face doing a spot of haute couture shopping. Not surprising, really, judging by the state of the contents in his suitcase.

  ‘Let’s try the spa.’ I pointed towards the doors and pushed them open.

  Ooh, very nice. Subtle low lights, terracotta walls, scented candles dotted around, and the smell of…well, I wasn’t sure, but it was pretty yummy, whatever it was.’

  ‘Hello,’ I said to the perfectly made up spa receptionist with super shiny black hair. How did she manage to get it like that? ‘Is it OK, if we have a look around?'’

  ‘Hello, sir, madam. I’m the spa manager here.’ Another very helpful smile. ‘Let me give you a tour of the facilities. We at the Plaza want you to have the maximum enjoyment experience.’

  Oh, if you must, but be quick about it.

  She led us past the desk, around a juice bar with lots of weird-c
oloured drinks that had bits of vegetables sticking out the top, and we entered a corridor. Leading off to one side were some inviting-looking sunbeds. The urge to lie down and sleep myself into oblivion was overwhelming, but we had more important things to do.

  ‘This is the chill-out area,’ she said, carrying on up the corridor, through some glass doors, and sauntering towards an empty indoor pool.

  Very nice. Lots of mosaic tiles and Roman-looking murals. Past the pool to another glass door that led to a gym with the latest hi-tech equipment.

  ‘And here is our luxurious spa,’ she announced after we’d gone up yet another corridor and through some more doors.

  God, you could get lost in the spa area alone.

  ‘Is it OK to look at the changing rooms?’ I enquired sweetly.

  ‘Yes, of course. That is the men’s.’ She nodded to Charlie. ‘Feel free to have a look.’

  I mouthed to Charlie, ‘Look for Ferret Face.’

  ‘Ooh, yes, please!’ Charlie seemed a bit over-enthusiastic at checking out the men’s changing rooms.

  ‘And this is the women’s.’

  ‘Yes, it’s lovely.’ I nodded, making a mental note to check myself in for a five-hour massage when this was all over.

  Charlie emerged from the men’s at the same time we came out of the women’s. ‘Lots of fit men in there!’ Charlie’s eyes had popped out on stalks.

  Trust him to get sidetracked. I rolled my eyes and made an impatient well? gesture at him, turning my palms upward and shrugging at him.

  He shook his head at me.

  No Ferret Face. Damn.

  ‘And here are the treatment rooms.’ The spa manager proudly swept a hand towards five empty rooms and one closed door at the end, which had a Do not disturb sign on the door.

  Well, as if that would stop me!

  I knocked on the door.

  ‘You can’t go in there, madam. Someone is having a treatment!’ she said.

  ‘Man or woman?’ I asked.

  ‘Pardon, madam?’

  ‘Is it a man or a woman having a treatment? I’m doing a survey on how many men have beauty treatments for Just for Women magazine.’ I gave her a gleaming smile.