My throat tightens. She’s mentioned this before, but then she’d seemed hopeful. Now it sounds like she’s starting to worry. “Is there a time limit before you have to start showing signs?”
“Graduation.”
I try to swallow, but fail. “When’s yours?”
“Two months.”
I tighten my grip on Haya’s hand. “Wow, that’s soon.”
Very soon. How had I not realized this was going on? That this deadline was so tight for her? I must’ve been so wrapped up in my own drama, in my own love story or whatever it was, that I hadn’t paid attention.
Haya opens her eyes and forces a stiff smile. “Very soon.”
I lift my chin. “Well maybe I can help.”
She squints at me. “What do you have in mind?”
“Twenty questions.” I grin and Haya giggles. “No but really, maybe we can add a layer of research into Untwist the Mystery, or ask Kaz about it. I’m sure he could help. What you want has to count for something.”
“Perhaps.” Haya slides her glasses back into place. “You’re a good friend, Billie. Truly. Now go take my wise advice and have a conversation with your beau. At the very least I can help a stubborn ghost still stuck on this side of things enjoy her time in between.”
“But-”
She stands, pulling me upright, then shoves me back toward the door. “Go.”
Before I can argue anymore, Haya gives me one, final push into the hall and locks me out of our room. Obviously I can slide right back in, but I do need to go talk to Rafe. Putting it off isn’t going to make anything better.
I drift down the stairs and toward the common room. My conversation with Haya has cast a heavy sort of cloud over me, shifting my positive view her advice gave me, to a dreary one. All my concern about Rafe and my lost memories blinded me to my own roommate’s problems. Maybe I’m not so good at balance.
What if I’m as toxic as I’ve feared all along?
I pause at the bottom of the stairs, my chest tight, thoughts swirling. The possibilities of who I was when I was alive all come crashing back into me. Even with all the life flashes I’ve had, I still don’t really know who I used to be. Are the uglier aspects of my character sabotaging me in ways I can’t clearly see? Am I just another narcissistic teen convinced they’ve found their soulmate and unwilling to make a painful choice?
One thing is clear though: since I’ve been here, I’ve absolutely focused way too much on myself.
Pressing my forehead against the wall, I concentrate on not allowing myself to slip through. If I had a body, the cool of its surface would slide across my skin. But my spirit is far colder than the wood I’m pressed up against. I grimace.
My selfishness has already hurt Haya, and if I don’t change something soon, it might end up hurting Rafe. Chances are the abuse he went through with his mom has made it difficult for him to set up appropriate boundaries. And if Ms. Alvarez is right, the events at Blakemore have messed him up even further.
It might be better to set him free now, and hope we can talk things out once he heals. Once we both heal.
With a deep breath, I step out of the stairwell and into the common room. Rafe is sitting on the couch with a computer. He smiles up at me when I walk in. My stomach shrivels with dread, and I shove away Haya’s voice in my head telling me to talk to him. It’s selfish and immature, but I run to him, wrapping my arms around his neck and burying my face in his shoulder.
He doesn’t say a single word. Instead, he slides the laptop onto the cushion next to him, and pulls me into his lap. For a minute, I just breath in his scent. I don’t want to think about what I’m about to do, I just want to curl into him.
Rafe strokes my back. “Want to talk about it?”
Absolutely not.
Insides roiling, I look up into his dark eyes, then cup the back of his neck and pull him into a kiss. It’s warm and wonderful, lighting my entire being ablaze. As a ghost I can float, but even that doesn’t feel like this. No afterlife could surpass this.
That thought alone stops me, and in spite of myself, I sniff.
Rafe eases back. “What’s going on? Did you have another life flash?”
I shake my head. Haya told me to talk to him about us instead of making a decision for us. But if Ms. Alvarez is right and Rafe is so messed up from Blakemore he’s having difficulty figuring out his unfinished business, I can’t throw any more choices at him. It might make things worse, distract him from what he needs to focus on. Maybe that’s why she wanted another way of “taking care” of me.
Whatever that means, it makes me wonder if I’m just complicating things for Rafe.
I slide off his lap and take his hands. “Rafe, you are so wonderful. So unbelievable sweet.” Finding the right words makes my head pound. I can’t let him believe he did something wrong, the blame belongs entirely on me. “Right now, I’m all messed up. I want to help you with your unfinished business, but I’m terrified my damage is going to get in the way of all that.”
My throat gums up as his brows furrow. “Billie-”
“Please let me finish.” I duck my head so I don’t have to see the hurt in his eyes.
There are so many things I want to tell him, so many things I want to say, to explain. I love him. I care about him so much it actually hurts a little. But I know if I say any of this it’s only going to be harder to do what I need to do.
“Right now, I don’t know who I am, not fully, and until I figure that out, I can’t think about...falling for anybody. You don’t need that mess, you don’t need anything to get in the way of finding your sister, of passing on. Because you deserve peace.”
Before he can argue, I jump up, and sprint out of the dorms. Leaving my heart behind, sitting on a couch.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Before I get very far, Theo and Kaz burst out the door of the main building. They immediately catch sight of me and head in my direction. After days of rest, Theo looks so much better, and I’m torn between excitement to see him well, and the pain of my still aching heart.
I wipe my face quickly, and force on my best smile. Neither of them need to know anything about my teenage drama. “Hey Theo, you look like you’re feeling a lot better.” I cough to hide an escaping sob, then try again. “Does this mean we’re about to go on a ghosty road trip back to my roots?”
“If you’re up for it,” Theo says. “Though Kaz will be going with you to save time.”
I lift my brows at Kaz.
“I’d have Rafe help you out, but since Theo had trouble with Xers there already, I’d rather you have someone else with the ability to fight off their spells. Just in case.”
Letting out a breath, I cross my arms, relieved to have an excuse to get out of Locklear and not to have to explain what just happened with Rafe. “Okay then, lay it on me, Theodore.”
“Let’s take a walk.” Theo cocks his head to one side. “This is a little more complicated than I’d like.”
“Same song, second verse. I’m starting to get used to that, buddy.”
We set out on a path around the school just like we did when he first visited. Usually, I find these woods calming — apart from the two times that Twisted Ghost decided to wreck said calm — but right now my nerves are buzzing and my head is throbbing.
Reason in the form of Haya’s voice screams at me to run back to Rafe and take it all back, but again, I shove it down. It’s not reason. It’s selfish desire.
I moisten my lips. “So, uh, why’s this complicated? I mean, apart from bumping into the Xers.”
Theo rolls his shoulders. “One of the reasons I’ve had such a hard time finding your records is because I have to be extremely careful about how I look for them. A misstep will immediately tip off the Xers. This isn’t an unusual problem, but we do have another, slightly more confusing one. All I could find of your records was your name, birthdate, and social security number. Otherwise, your records are gone. Not redacted. Gone. Digitally speaking, anyway. Th
ey don’t even list parents or siblings. I did look up your brother, Cody, but ran into the same problem.”
Kaz’s face contorts with an emotion he closes off too fast for me to read and we both stop at the same time. Whatever that expression meant, it’s no good and my chest craters a little. I’ll have to wait until we’re alone to prod him about it.
“What does that mean?” I ask.
“It could mean a lot of things,” Kaz says, not meeting my eyes. “We need more information before we start making guesses. Were you able to find any physical copies, Theo?”
Theo shakes his head. “I was working on getting those records when I tangled with the Xers. I’m also not ready to give up on the digital one yet. Nothing is ever really gone. Also, if you’ve remembered anything else, that will help Billie.”
His confidence stokes mine a little, and I manage a grin. “Well then, Kaz and I’ll go check out my house, see if that shakes anything loose, and you can keep digging, huh? Once you’re feeling up to it obviously. And add the name Hailey Martin to the list, she was my sister.”
My grin widens as the memory of the ice cream parlor streams back through my mind. Hopefully she hasn’t been sponged out too. Maybe she’s some kind of super anti-Xer spy who had to keep our records private for our protection.
Theo smiles. “Will do. And be careful. The Xers are getting more aggressive lately. I don’t think they know about your house yet, but that doesn’t mean they haven’t sniffed out whose death I’m looking into. That could very well be why they attacked me in Dallas.”
“Don’t worry,” Kaz says. “I’ll take care of Billie.”
In a blink, Kaz and I zip to a city a little outside of Dallas called Flower Mound. I kind of love the name, and not just because I once lived here. It’s earthy and romantic, bringing images to mind of a hill covered in a wild burst of color.
We land on the lawn of a small, ranch style home. Evergreen bushes line the wide front windows and a massive tree reaches its branches over the back fence.
It’s this tree that sparks the life flash.
It starts with me squatting in the front yard with my arms out to catch a toddling child, Cody, then picks up speed. We climb that tree together, snagging peaches from the highest branches we can reach. Sweet juice runs down our arms and stains our clothes. We throw the pits to each other, trying to hit them with sticks.
Hailey paints my nails, teaches me how to drive, helps me learn spells. She holds me after our skiing trip to Virginia where I lost my magic, insisting it will come back.
My parents, a very buttoned up couple who feel like strangers, pop in and out of our lives, gone for long stretches of time. Then one day they don’t come home.
I sit in my room on a pale blue bedspread, knowing I should cry, but feeling so disconnected from them that I simply can’t.
Moving day. As Hailey fills a truck with boxes, the memories slow down, and I remember a conversation on the front steps. Cody sits with his chin in his hands, cheeks red, nose snotty from crying.
“I don’t want to move, Billie,” he says.
Rubbing his shoulders, I make a funny face, sticking out my tongue and crossing my eyes until Cody giggles a little. I take this opening to tickle his sides. Soon, tears of laughter fill his eyes and replace the sadness.
“Hey buddy, I know it’s hard, but it’s going to be okay,” I say. “Hailey and I will take such good care of you. But you know, we’ll need your help making our new apartment home. Think you can do that?”
“Yeah.”
“Yeah? I don’t know if I believe you.”
“Yeah!” Cody shoots his little fists into the air.
Hauling him up over my shoulder, I carry him toward the truck and dump him in the middle seat.
I only half feel myself floating after the car in my memory.
It leads us to the other side of town, where the roofs sag a bit and the asphalt is cracked. When the truck finally stops, it’s in front of a gateless apartment complex. Some windows are patched with duct tape, others protected from the heat and cold with aluminum foil, and most of the railings are chipped or rusted.
But it’s the far building that carves a hole in my chest. One huge section is completely gouged out, blackened by now dead flames.
The truck from my memory pulls up in front of it and my sister, brother, and I all climb out and start carrying the boxes inside.
This was my home for the last few years of my life.
The life flash fades. I reach out for it as if I could actually grab hold of my sister or brother and keep them here. But the memory slips away and I can’t find it again. Everything afterward is completely blank, like the records Theo couldn’t find.
I choke on a sob and sink to my knees a few feet from the stairs. “Where is it? Why do I keep losing it?”
“Talk to me,” Kaz says. “Tell me what you saw.”
Sniffing, I straighten and glare at the burnt out building. “We moved here after our parents died. I can’t remember what happened to them or why we didn’t go to relatives. Maybe if I get inside that will trigger something.”
I hover off the ground and float into the bottom apartment. Kaz follows behind at a distance, quiet, but also something of a comfort. Settling down in what must’ve once been the living room, I scan the floors, the blackened cabinets, the melted stovetop, silently begging whoever might be listening to help me remember. Pain and pressure wrap around my head like I’m banging it against an actual wall rather than a mental one.
Why can’t I remember? Is it because of some spell gone wrong like Ms. Alvarez suggested? Or is it because everything is torched and no longer looks familiar? That has to be it. But even if it’s not, if I can see what it looked like before, maybe it will come back. I need to get online and look up photos.
I turn back to toward Kaz, but it’s not his face I see. Instead, I find myself staring down the barrel of a gun.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
I grab Kaz by the collar and yank him down before the gun goes off. A bullet whizzes over our heads, crashing into the wall behind us. It crumbles on impact in a cloud of ashy dust as Kaz and I scramble into the charred remains of a bedroom. We crouch, as close to the floor as possible, ducking under another spray of bullets.
“Why do they keep showing up. Am I like a beacon or…” I wince and try not to glare at Kaz.
“Billie, I swear I didn’t call them here. I know you have every reason not to trust me, but—” Another gunshot drowns him out and that familiar tug pinches at my form.
I push back with my own spell, pausing only to say, “We need to get out of here, now.”
“No arguments here.” Kaz grabs my hand, but the usual twisting, spinning sensation stutters to a halt.
“Kaz...what’s happening?” I rock back a little as their spell knocks against mine.
“They’re blocking me.” Kaz grimaces and squeezes my hand.
Nothing. Not even a slight spin.
“They can do that?” I pull out my staff as Kaz tugs his from his back.
“Only extremely powerful witches can.” His words shake slightly. “Concentrate on that counter spell, I’ll try to take down the one blocking me.”
Shield up, he drags me away from the half wall, through the window, and onto the lawn. A woman in a polo stands on the cracked sidewalk, aiming her gun at us and immediately taking a shot. Kaz and I spring apart. Bullets bounce off my shield, but it’s hard to concentrate on it and my counter spell at the same time. I squat behind a metal picnic table, as if its ridiculously flimsy structure will protect me.
A bullet rams the metal with a loud ping. Someone has to hear all this, is calling 911, the Enforcers, someone. We’ll just have to hold on until help comes. But everything in me shakes, and I know I don’t have enough strength to cling to either of these spells for very long. Heat floods me.
The woman with the gun runs toward me, forcing me to sprint from hiding. A bullet slips past my staff shield and grazes my up
per thigh. Biting back a scream, I struggle to think. I need some kind of actual offense. Some way of attacking rather than just shielding myself. Then it hits me. The glass, the branch. Rafe and I both manipulated things in the plane of the living with corporeal telekinesis. Maybe I can use that now.
My feet tangle together. I spin around to face the Xer and a new spray of bullets. Without thinking, I throw out my free hand and concentrate on forcing them off to the side. They ricochet away from me, but then I feel that tug. My tenuous hold on my shield trembles. Its light fluctuates as if losing power.
I grip my counterspell again and back peddle further away from the armed Xer. Pain slices down my skull as I attempt to split my concentration between the counterspell and deflecting bullets. My vision warbles as my shield breaks. Black inches inward until I’m looking down a narrow tunnel. I stumble and land on my backside.
The Xer looms over me, gun aimed right at my face. Things slow down and little details spring out at me. The woman’s freckles, her sandy brown hair, her dark brows that look just like mine. My mouth dries out.
“Hailey…?”
Her eyes widen. “How-how do you know my name?”
“It’s me. It’s Billie…”
“No. No. It can’t be.” Her hands shake and she cocks her gun again. “You can’t be a ghost. It’s not possible. We...we…you...”
Nausea floods me as my brain fights to patch all of this information together. Memories again play out in front of me. I say them out loud as they weave across my vision. “Cody died.”
The Healers struggle to save him moments after a car plowed into his small body right in front of our apartment.
“Then he came to me as a ghost.”
His shimmery form materialized in the doorway of my room. A week or so after the Unleashing. At first I don’t quite recognize him. It’s a little like looking through a smeared window, but his voice I know deep inside me.
Ghost Academy: Book One Page 18